Dominance

[Nyuh]

Hello,

 

I'm not exactly seeking advice, right now. Rather, I'm looking for some insight into the person I am currently seeing. ^^ I look forward to some perspectives.

 

My boyfriend has acknowledged previously that he is a control freak but also stated he tries to be reasonable.

 

Whenever I do something he dislikes, he refuses to see me and threatens to break off the relationship until I comply with his wishes and apologize repeatedly for the offense. Eventually I can butter him up and we'll go back to normal, him getting his way. (spoiled brat-esque, amirite?)

 

I'm not bad at arguing and I can be highly assertive (sometimes I cannot help it... I have a bit of a temper). But this boy absolutely requires a dominant position and any arguments I make against his stance he disregards and stubbornly sticks to his side until he wins.

 

I want to know what would cause a person to need this type of control and dominance because I feel if I cannot even figure this out... how am I ever going to be able to assist him in becoming more cooperative and secure with himself?

 

Once again, I know this seems like a really bad situation and a lot of people are going to want me to just leave it. But I'm not ready to toss the flag yet and I'm more interested in coming to understand this person than to take action upon the basis of our relationship.

 

Thanks guys, any insight is appreciated! ^^

[FathomFear]

I would tread carefully. This is a pretty severe red flag, IMO, and can manifest in much more troubling ways than what you've already described. May I ask how old you guys are? Much will depend, I think, on how much of this is due to overall immaturity. If he's older than 25 then I'd be very worried.

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

As a starting point, I think this article may help you to see if he could potentially end up having emotionally abusive tendencies, or worse.

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At the very least, he sounds highly immature and manipulative.

 

How old is he and how long have you been together? How often would you say that you have these arguments in a week's time, and how often does he do this?:

 

Whenever I do something he dislikes, he refuses to see me and threatens to break off the relationship until I comply with his wishes and apologize repeatedly for the offense.

 

I want to know what would cause a person to need this type of control and dominance because I feel if I cannot even figure this out... how am I ever going to be able to assist him in becoming more cooperative and secure with himself?

 

Ultimately it could be a lot of things. He could be insecure and overcompensating, he could be jealous of you and as a result always feels the need to prove he was "right" to you, and/or he may have seen relationships like that as a kid and think they are normal (i.e. maybe his father behaved that way). Does he have issues with "assertive women" in general? That could be another cause.

[Nyuh]

I would tread carefully. This is a pretty severe red flag, IMO, and can manifest in much more troubling ways than what you've already described. May I ask how old you guys are? Much will depend, I think, on how much of this is due to overall immaturity. If he's older than 25 then I'd be very worried.

 

Yea, I completely understand where you're coming from about the danger signs. I've known this person for ~4 years, and the only reason I'm still with him is due to he misses the 'shark terrain', if you will. The signs are there but he's not physically abusive.

 

We're younger than age 25, but I'd rather not state our exact age to avoid any bias. ^^;

 

I wonder what the best way to cause him to mature would be? It seems to be that he's the type who needs to go through several painful breakups before he'll get it through his head, but I would really like to explore alternative paths to this one. 'Cos that would mean that I'd have to lose him.

 

I do agree that maturity has something to do with it. + Competitiveness.

 

Thanks, FathomFear!

[Nyuh]

Hi Belladona!

 

He actually likes assertive women but I don't think that he can handle himself or them in a relationship due to his insecurities?

 

He has had an ex girlfriend who he cared for a lot but ultimately couldn't be with because she was too assertive, I think.

[Nyuh]

I also have to say, he is emotionally abusive (highly) and manipulative. I just happen to be a less sensitive individual and resilient.

 

For me, my reactions to his abuse are primarily driven by a desire to teach him to respect others feelings - not because I'm all that offended or hurt.

 

**sorry for the triple post. >.

I just haven't had a chance to talk to anyone about this before. >.>

[BellaDonna]

What are the benefits of you being in this relationship?

 

For me, my reactions to his abuse are primarily driven by a desire to teach him to respect others feelings - not because I'm all that offended or hurt.

 

Where does your own happiness fit into this equation?

[FathomFear]

We're younger than age 25, but I'd rather not state our exact age to avoid any bias. ^^;

 

I wonder what the best way to cause him to mature would be?

 

It will likely come with time, which is why I was curious about your age. I understand being hesitant about revealing your age as ageism might be thrown your way, but people ask because it really is relevant to these kinds of things. There's a huge difference being 16 or 17 and having a big ego and always wanting to get your way, and being 26 or 27 and having the same traits. Guys especially go through a period in their teens were they try to assert their masculinity and define themselves, and bravado can often be thrown around as a result. If it continues into adulthood, however, then it becomes more worrisome.

[Nyuh]

Bel,

 

I think this person has a lot of potential to be a very good, capable person and that they are simply extremely immature (they had a very distant mother) along with being spoiled. I want to help them reach this potential if I can.

 

Also, I am a natural problem solver. I care about this individual a lot and the issues they are having, as a result, become very highly prioritized for me. (I do have the rationality necessary to continue progressing in my own life, however - I'm not single-mindedly obsessed, if you will).

 

Fathom,

 

I do agree with you there and my main question is basically: What do I have to do in the meantime for this maturity to take place smoothly and for him to turn out alright?

 

He's 19, currently.

 

Thanks a lot for the feedback.

[Chillihead]

Luckily enough I was just doing some reading about control freaks and have some websites to share with you, they make interesting reading:

 

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There might be something useful for you in there.

[Nyuh]

Tyvm! I'll read those once I'm finished with Bellas. ^^

[agent1607307371]

Nyuh, you can't fix him and you can't turn him into what you want.

 

That's just not how it works.

[Mesemene]

I think this person has a lot of potential to be a very good, capable person and that they are simply extremely immature (they had a very distant mother) along with being spoiled. I want to help them reach this potential if I can.

 

Also, I am a natural problem solver. I care about this individual a lot and the issues they are having, as a result, become very highly prioritized for me. (I do have the rationality necessary to continue progressing in my own life, however - I'm not single-mindedly obsessed, if you will).

 

This combination is, IMO, a very dangerous one for you and your emotional health.

 

It's very commendable that you want to help him.

 

But you NEED, not want, but NEED to establish some very clear boundaries for what you will and won't allow, and for how much of your time will be invested. Manipulation can be insidious - it creeps up on you. And before you know it, even if you're maintaining your own emotional health, even if you're still stable, you start to feel responsible for their stability. You feel you need to be there to help. And they do start both towards you as a constant source of stability, and lashing out because they really start resenting feeling that need for you.

 

I say this after having had a friendship with a person with strong BPD traits, if not full-blown (he refused therapy). I'm pretty strong, I don't tend to crumble under abusive words or manipulation, and I'm pretty self aware. And he still pushed my boundaries back a bit. And I finally had to tell him I was done.

 

So while I'm pretty sure you'll proceed on your path - I'm going to advise a couple things.

 

1) Make sure you have friends (or this board) you can talk to. You will need support to keep your sense of separation and not get completely caught in his issues.

 

2) Keep a journal, and make it BRUTALLY honest about your thoughts and feelings. When one of your boundaries is approached - pull back. No prevarication, no excuses. Do it. You're no good to yourself or anyone else if you don't care for yourself adequately.

 

3) Have at least one friend aware of the situation who isn't afraid to tell you if you're getting in too deep. And make a vow to listen to them, no matter what.

 

4) Always keep in mind, if he likes the way his methods work, he may never improve. The incentive to change has to come from within him, because he sees it as something he shouldn't do.

[Snny]

I personally think we're just beating around the bush here.

 

Whenever I do something he dislikes, he refuses to see me and threatens to break off the relationship until I comply with his wishes and apologize repeatedly for the offense. Eventually I can butter him up and we'll go back to normal, him getting his way. (spoiled brat-esque, amirite?)

Please share some examples of things you do/did that cause him to go the deep end. I really can't 100% say he is being childish or the things you specifically did would be considered major deal breakers for someone. Know what I'm saying? There is critical information being withheld in this thread that a lot of us cannot give you accurate guidance on this.

[Nyuh]

If I don't give him access to my accounts, if I wear any make up at all, if I talk to anyone outside my family (and sometimes then) if I'm distracted by anything, the list goes on.

 

He just hacked all of my accounts, I'm emotionally unstable atm.

[Snny]

Wow. Hacking is crossing the line. You know what you gotta do then...

[Mesemene]

Yup - that's crossing a line. He's not willing to respect even basic boundaries - that should tell you what you need to do from here.

[BellaDonna]

If I don't give him access to my accounts, if I wear any make up at all, if I talk to anyone outside my family (and sometimes then) if I'm distracted by anything, the list goes on.

 

He just hacked all of my accounts, I'm emotionally unstable atm.

 

Yeah, sorry to say, he's crazy and definitely a abuser. Make sure you keep erasing your internet history if he stalks your stuff like that. I hope you come back and talk to us more.

 

Relationships should not be a project you take on to change someone. The other person is supposed to make you happy- not make your life a massive effort.

[xyzzzz]

"When i do things he dislike,he refuses to see me".

so what kind of things are they? If it,s you flirting to other guys,i can see why he refused to see u and wants tp break it off (just an example)

[Nyuh]

Hi guys, thought I should update you out of respect.

 

I find it odd the major reaction to the hacking incident - every couple I know of (granted, this is not much but I don't talk to people much) has either had partners looking into their stuff or share passwords.

 

I was a bit put off by it, yea, but I'm not exactly hiding anything either so it's not a huge issue for me.

 

That being said, I'm still continuing with him (I know, I'm stubborn and bullheaded).

 

I'll be around, I think, as well. I kinda like this place... it's rare to find a forum with intelligent members for the most part, I've found.

 

Anyway, thank you guys so much for the feedback!

[Mesemene]

Thanks for updating us!

 

Sharing passwords I can understand, but I admit I have a heightened sense of "privacy" and while I wouldn't object to my husband asking to see my accounts - I'd have a problem with him snooping, since I've never given him one ounce of reason for distrust.

 

I guess, to me, the snooping would tell me he didn't even feel he could come to me and get an honest answer. And that would really hurt.

[Nyuh]

Lol, to make this mess even more complicated, his family has a history for paranoia. So, I can't exactly be hurt with this element considered.

 

I do understand where you're coming from though. ^^ I also have a major privacy value but I can make exceptions for people I trust, to a degree.

[Snny]

I find it odd the major reaction to the hacking incident - every couple I know of (granted, this is not much but I don't talk to people much) has either had partners looking into their stuff or share passwords.

 

Ok, let me clarify what hacking is. That means someone goes through your account without permission and either damages or steals data to use against the user. That is exactly what he is doing.Y our boyfriend isn't paying the bills online. He is hacking to to "justify" his paranoia and violating your privacy and then emotionally abuses you.

 

Some couples (usually those who are married) willingly share their on-line accounts (like if they have join accounts to loans, bills, or banks), but that is not hacking. I personally do not give my account information or even share my e-mails with my fiance for special reasons that pertain to my job. there is no absolute rule that you MUST share your accounts with your SO, especially if you aren't married to him/her.

 

Break it off with him. No trust = no relationship. He is not a good boyfriend to you and has abused YOUR trust in him as well.

[DylanNotorious]

Sorry but if you put up with this behavior, then you need to put up with it. No crying, no moaning. You are choosing to keep yourself in this situation all on your own.

[greywolf]

Nyuh, this relationship sounds very abusive. I suggest that you take some time to learn more about abuse because there's more than just physical abuse. He is already socially abusive to you. He will cut you off from your friends and family, and when you have no one but him left, that is when you will see who he truly is.