Dominance

[greywolf]

Sorry but if you put up with this behavior, then you need to put up with it. No crying, no moaning. You are choosing to keep yourself in this situation all on your own.

 

When I was younger, there were things that I didn't know were unacceptable in a relationship. My first relationship was with a guy who was a total douche, but it being my first relationship, I thought that it was normal. And I never really told people about it because I didn't like talking badly about my boyfriend, and I didn't have an anonymous forum back then where I could go to, to talk to people about it and get advice, so I mostly suffered in silence.

 

Maybe this is the only place where the OP can talk about her relationship. The OP needs support and advice, not judgment.

[DylanNotorious]

When I was younger, there were things that I didn't know were unacceptable in a relationship. My first relationship was with a guy who was a total douche, but it being my first relationship, I thought that it was normal. And I never really told people about it because I didn't like talking badly about my boyfriend, and I didn't have an anonymous forum back then where I could go to, to talk to people about it and get advice, so I mostly suffered in silence.

 

Maybe this is the only place where the OP can talk about her relationship. The OP needs support and advice, not judgment.

 

I'm not judging her. And I disagree with what you wrote. She has already admitted that she knows that she probably shouldn't be in this relationship - but is choosing to stay in it.

[Nyuh]

Yah, and I'm not necessarily at a breaking point either, so stuff the drama plz Dylan. -rolls eyes-

 

I like analyzing things which is why I'm here.

[Snny]

I agree with both posters above. Abusers tend to go after younger people because they are perceived as naive, inexperienced, and gullible. My first two dates were abusers and after the second one, I had to go through counseling and discover WHY I followed the pattern of getting ina relationship with abusive partners. Most young girls typically believe being a controlling person is a masculine quality and that it can be viewed as that person having a "protector" role (the fact my parents were very controlling warped my view). I did not understand the difference between being assertive and being controlling and I am pretty sure people who are abused do not know how to communicate with a dominate, controlling person or when to say "no" due to the fear of threats, physical violence, and abandonment.

 

Controlling people are very manipulative and try to come off as assertive. They are very crafty at it because they will use threats/violence to get under a person's emotions for justification of their behavior and earn personal gain out of it. Once a person allows an abuser to have his/her way, the abuser will see that as a sign of weakness and will continue to press on because boundaries are not assessed. They will not stop until the abused victim gets up and walks out of the relationship FOR GOOD- meaning the victim MUST be assertive, say "no" and mean it through action.

 

At the same time though, Dylan is correct. The OP has held a feeling of what is happening is controlling and abusive behavior. However, by actively making the choice to stay in the relationship sends the abuser the message that his/her behavior is acceptable because they are afraid of being alone or getting physically hurt. The abuser KNOWS this and uses that fear for control. Boundaries are not established because the abuser has taken the role to make the rules and unrealistic demands such as coughing up passwords to a Facebook or any on-line account. An assertive person would respond and say, "F you. You have no right to infringe on my privacy and you are not my father/mother. You either trust me and not question every little thing I do or we cannot continue to have a relationship together." And if they don't acknowledge that response, you slam the door on their face and move on with your life since they have made a choice to violate your trust.

[PaintWithLight]

Do not confuse dominance with a control freak with insecurities. Dominance comes from a position of security. The other from a position of fear.

[Nyuh]

That's a matter of semantics, but I gotcha.

 

I will be leaving this thread as far as interaction goes, HOWEVER: to anyone else reading this who is in a similar situation I highly advice you listen to everyone but me in it.

 

For the most part, it's really not worth it.

 

 

Thank you everyone, I'll stick around but this thread is dead to me now. ^^

[Nyuh]

Oh, and don't listen to Dylan either (no offense there).

 

Telling someone in my position somehting like that only alienates the only potential support they have, as mentioned before, and would probably make them flee to the only thing they think they have -the very person abusing them. They will oftentimes not be able to leave and will only further dig themselves in a bad situation.

 

I do understand the frustration tho, on reading something like this and may have responded in a similar manner myself a few years ago.

[Snny]

OP, I'm not sure what your problem is, but the fact you have first withheld information and are now running away is suspicious. No one on this thread was specifically blaming you either and were giving you an outsider's insight... sometimes they are things we may or may not want to read. Keep in mind that the majority of ENA members are not professional trained psychologists and anyone who posts a thread will get a mixture of advice, personal experiences, AND opinions. Take it with a grain of salt. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in this problem.

[Nyuh]

Oh, no, I just meant leaving this thread (foot in mouth there XD )

 

I don't see where I withheld information tho o.o

 

And believe me, I know and understand where you guys are coming from. I think a lot of times you give out excellent advice.