How many sex partners is too many for a guy?

[Angel_325]

Just wanted to see what the ladies out there think. To me sex is something that is shared with someone you have strong feelings for and someone you would want to be with for a long time. I feel it is something to be shared with only a select few that you feel that away about. To me if a guy has had too many partners (depending on his age of course) I will not be able to be in a relationship with him.

 

What if a guy has not kept count and has not had one night stands but has had many, many, many short term relationships? Just asking for opinions.

 

Do you feel a person's sexual history has a bearing on the present? I feel that past sexual history can tell you how much they value relationships and if sex is something special to them..

[blueidealist24]

I'd prefer no more than 5, and any more than 10 I would think was gross. I would date a guy who had slept with more than 5 people, although I would be intimidated by his experience compared to me, but if they had slept with more than 10 people I would probably be too turned off to date them (unless of course I didn't know). I am a virgin though, if I had slept with more people (and once I have) that might change? But I still think over 10 would probably seem bad to me.

[whysoalone]

My mate's up to 103 now.. Yeah, some men haha.

[shikashika]

I'd prefer no more than 5, and any more than 10 I would think was gross. I would date a guy who had slept with more than 5 people, although I would be intimidated by his experience compared to me, but if they had slept with more than 10 people I would probably be too turned off to date them (unless of course I didn't know). I am a virgin though, if I had slept with more people (and once I have) that might change? But I still think over 10 would probably seem bad to me.

 

You wouldn't even date someone with that number?

 

I coudln't imagine asking someone this question (I would never ask anyway) before we even went on a date!!!!

[shikashika]

People on ENA are of different ages and experiences.

 

When I was younger ( under 23) I remember asking this question to a boyfriend. Now I cringe at the thought of asking this question. I don't think it's important!!

 

I'm into my 30s, so a guy my age, or a bit younger or a bit older... if he's still single is going to have slept with a few people (I hope!) before me. Maybe he went through a stage of sleeping through a lot, then did nothing for a while or had a long term. relationship... who knows... I don't ask these sorts of questions anymore! It's not important.

 

I would be more concerned with whether he was a constant cheater than with how many he's slept with.

[tyr72]

Shikashika has the right of it in my opinion. Promiscuity is not a good indicator of whether he will make a good partner. As one of the guys in her example I'll go a little farther and hold myself up as a positive example. A little immodest perhaps, but also perhaps somewhat valuable nonetheless. I was very promiscuous in college. I've never cheated on anyone, and I settled down when I met my wife. I stayed settled for 15 years until she asked to become my ex-wife. An ex-wife who after our divorce and having always known my sexual history has complemented me as both a husband and an ex-husband on several occasions to mutual friends and to our daughters.

 

How many is irrelevant. What you should be asking is "Has he consistently practiced safe sex?", and "Is he clean?".

[Jd1983]

Honestly, I used to be bothered by the amount of partners my SO had prior to us dating. He had a very promiscuous past, but I eventually learned to let it go.

 

There isn't anything I can do to change his past. He's clean, and I don't have to worry about "what if's, because he's been there done that".

 

Everyone has their past, but people do change as they get older.

[pl3asehelp]

How many is relevant to determine certain things, most importantly your values and how you view sex. The OP said sex is something special to her to be shared with a select group of people. If she meets a man who has slept with 103 girls it's obvious to her that he doesn't see sex the same way that she does and not seeing eye to eye on the value of sex could be a relationship deal breaker.

[Angel_325]

I think everyone makes a valid point, but my opinion is that a guy's past can sometimes be a good indicator of how he will be in the future, though you have to consider other factors as well and can't only rely on that. If a guy was promiscuous in his college days but now is older and has changed, I could accept that more than if he had a different view of sex. To me sex is a part of love not something to be shared outside of a long-term relationship. I feel people often tell me that it does not matter and that other qualities are important, but like pl3asehelp said, it could be a deal breaker if the views on sex are incompatible.

[tyr72]

How many is relevant to determine certain things, most importantly your values and how you view sex. The OP said sex is something special to her to be shared with a select group of people. If she meets a man who has slept with 103 girls it's obvious to her that he doesn't see sex the same way that she does and not seeing eye to eye on the value of sex could be a relationship deal breaker.

 

I see your point, but I think there are too many other factors for a number to give you the real skinny on someone's sexual values. A better method would be to open a dialog about sex with a potential lover and simply see what they have to say rather than asking them for a number of partners to see if it falls within your number cap.

[shikashika]

I think everyone makes a valid point, but my opinion is that a guy's past can sometimes be a good indicator of how he will be in the future, though you have to consider other factors as well and can't only rely on that. If a guy was promiscuous in his college days but now is older and has changed, I could accept that more than if he had a different view of sex. To me sex is a part of love not something to be shared outside of a long-term relationship. I feel people often tell me that it does not matter and that other qualities are important, but like pl3asehelp said, it could be a deal breaker if the views on sex are incompatible.

 

Well you have to do what is right for you. It sounds like you and I have different opinions on this... and find that most people change their minds when they get older. If you are young and relatiely inexperienced, then this might cause insecurities if one person has slept with more than the the other. People change as they get older too.

 

What if a guy you were dating had an issue with something you used to do when you were 14 (just an example... i don't even know how old you are) even if it wasn't sex related? I'm sure you wouldn't want that to determine whether you made it on his dating checklist.

[Glowguy]

I agree this issue gets less relevant as people mature. However there is still such a thing as too much. I think a better gauge is how many people they slept with in the past year.

[Mesemene]

I'd care a lot less about how he behaved as a "scoring frat boy" and a lot more about how his attitude towards relationships was in the here and now. I could care less if he banged the cheering squad on a bet at 18 - but I'd sure care if he was still playing at being a pickup artist, ogling everything with breasts, and generally acting like he hadn't grown past that stage (including yes, how many women he'd been with in recent times.)

 

In short - I care if he's a grownup now If he did some things I see as stupid/immature as a kid, no biggie. He WAS immature then - now he doesn't have that excuse.

[shikashika]

I agree this issue gets less relevant as people mature. However there is still such a thing as too much. I think a better gauge is how many people they slept with in the past year.

 

 

Really??

 

There have been years when I slept with 5 ( or so!) and I have even had a very very long 2 year dry spell!

 

I guess it would depend on the year then!

[Lonewing]

I strongly believe that sex is not just physical; it is physical, emotional, and even spiritual. It is a very intimate experience.

 

Now if one is freely giving and taking of sex, I do believe it is a reflection of both one's ability to commit and one's capacity for commitment. Freely moving from partner to partner illustrates a detachment from emotional intimacy, because I do not see how one can move so quickly if they are not mutually interested int he other person. In short, it comes down to having sex to please a personal urge.

 

Once you have become used to the idea of having temporary partners, or treating relationships as temproary learning experiences, why on earth would you ever view a relationship as "I'm going to live the REST OF MY LIFE with this ONE Person!" again?

 

That's how it is for me, at least...

 

It's also pretty well medically proven that slepping with many partners increases your potential for carrying permanent STDs...done.

[tyr72]

Sex is absolutely a physical, emotional and spiritual experience. I don't think anyone has argued otherwise. You seem to be making assumptions about the beliefs, and attitudes of people who have had sexual experience beyond what you consider appropriate. Don't make the mistake of believing that because you can't understand something or are not capable of it that no one else can or is.

 

Sleeping with many partners does increase your potential for contracting STDs - in exactly the same way driving a car increases your potential for accidental death. In both cases smart individuals take all the necessary precautions but enjoy the experience anyway.

[blueidealist24]

You wouldn't even date someone with that number?

 

I coudln't imagine asking someone this question (I would never ask anyway) before we even went on a date!!!!

 

Well I probably wouldn't ask, but if for some reason it came up then I probably wouldn't date someone who slept with more than 10, no.

[Fudgie]

If all of his times were with people that he was in a stable relationship with - then I don't care about a number. It probably won't be that high.

 

If he has had x casual sex encounters and y encounters with people that he was in a stable relationship with - then his number is too high by x amount.

 

I really, really don't like to date people who have a history of casual sex. I don't, and that's because of how I view sex. I would like my partner to have the same view as I when it comes to sex.

[The Archer]

I don’t recall ever asking a partner how many ex’s there were. I would have thought this to be irrelevant.

The norm for many people seems to be to sleep with several people while younger but have no problem with settling down later on with just the one person.

[The Archer]

If all of his times were with people that he was in a stable relationship with - then I don't care about a number. It probably won't be that high.

 

If he has had x casual sex encounters and y encounters with people that he was in a stable relationship with - then his number is too high by x amount.

 

I really, really don't like to date people who have a history of casual sex. I don't, and that's because of how I view sex. I would like my partner to have the same view as I when it comes to sex.

 

What if a guy has had several casual sexual encounters in the past but is no longer interested in this….. approach.?

 

I different past view doesn’t mean a difference in the present.

[Fudgie]

What if a guy has had several casual sexual encounters in the past but is no longer interested in this….. approach.?

 

I different past view doesn’t mean a difference in the present.

 

Well, it's a bit more than approach. I think how one treats sex is an indication of how they view it. Someone who bangs several girls in a month obviously has a different view on sex than someone who, say, only will sleep with someone at several months into a relationship.

 

For me, it's very, very important for my partner to have the same views of sex and so I see it as too much of a liability to be with someone with past promiscuous behaviour. I don't care if the guy has slept with others, or slept with more people than I have (I've only slept with 3) as long as he was in a relationship with them at the time.

 

Also, I do sort of like it when someone has similar experiences to me. I'm not a partier, I don't/didn't date around, etc. I don't think I would want to date someone who did and enjoys that sort of lifestyle. I'm unable to relate at all.

[shikashika]

I really don't really know anyone now, or in my past who would wait several months into a relationship to sleep with someone.

 

What some people seem to view as promiscuous seems to be, "As long as it's not many more than me!" Some say it's not that, but that's exactly what it is!

 

For someone who is my age, I wouldn't view 10 or 20 as a lot, but I can see why someone who is 19 or 20 might see it like that.

 

Are these the kind of questions people ask on a first date?

 

Q: How many people have you slept with?

A: 5

Q: Oooohh... that's a bit high

A: What do you mean?

Q: OK, partner number 1, how many months into the relationship did you sleep with him/ her?

A: 1

Q: 1.. are you serious?, what about partner number 2?

A: 3 months

Q: OK, that's acceptable

 

I understand that people are looking for someone with similar values, but as someone who is ( I'm guessing) older than you, I can tell you I know a lot of people my age who went through stages in their 20s where they had hookups or relationships...but now, sometimes go a year without sleeping withanyone.

 

I also know of several people who got married when they were 22/23 after sleeping with their first love and are now divorced and on their second marriage.

 

I don't mean this to be patronising... but I do think this is something that younger people care about. I think I mentioned it in my first post, but i did care when I was younger. I remember because I was 21 and, he was 24 and he had been with 2 more people than me and i thought about it and it bothered me. That was then, thank goodness!

 

I really don't think this matters as you get older!

[tyr72]

@shikashika

I think you're correct, it becomes less of an issue to most people as they age. I have teen aged children, I hear a lot of what they talk about with their friends and it amuses me sometimes how uptight teenagers think their parents are about sex when they're nearly neurotic on the matter.

[Angel_325]

I do agree that as you get older it becomes less relevant, however, I am 30 years old and it is still relevant to me. Like I said, it's not so much an issue of what you did when you were younger (people change), but how do you view sex now and what are you standards right now. A 30 year old man who dates a lot and sleeps with most of the girls he dates on the first or even second date or thinks it's okay to sleep with someone they just met is not going to find much in common with me, thus whether or not his recent experiences have been outside of stable relationship does matter to me.

[shikashika]

I do agree that as you get older it becomes less relevant, however, I am 30 years old and it is still relevant to me. Like I said, it's not so much an issue of what you did when you were younger (people change), but how do you view sex now and what are you standards right now. A 30 year old man who dates a lot and sleeps with most of the girls he dates on the first or even second date or thinks it's okay to sleep with someone they just met is not going to find much in common with me, thus whether or not his recent experiences have been outside of stable relationship does matter to me.

 

I guess you put a lot more focus on sex or lack of it than some others do.

 

Of course, you have to do what is right for you and find someone who is right for you.

 

Sex is very important to me in a relatioinship, but there are many other factors about his personality, morals, values that are important as well. I don't equate having lots of sex to low moral values.

 

What I find interesting is that some people put so much focus on how many people someone's slept with that it's made into an issue.

 

Sorry, is this making any sense?

 

For me, other things about a guy are SO much more important than how many birds he's banged.

 

I thought the reason many people "wait" is because they want to focus on other attributes of the person? Are they caring? Are they kind? Do we share the same interests? do we have similar goals?

 

To me, those questions are important!

 

If I were to drop a guy because he'd been with too few or too many women... then I'm only focusing on the sex part, not the other things that make up a meaningful relationship.

 

Does this make any sense? sorry, not feeling too articulate today!