jellysandwich Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 This is a rather odd question. I'm not even sure how to ask, but I think I need to at least try. My sister and I are worried about our cousin, a 16 year old girl. For the most part, she's pretty normal. But in this one area, she's extremely underdeveloped. And that is, she can't really ... do anything by herself. I guess "anything" is the wrong word. A more appropriate word would be, "most" things. In order to explain, I'll use the following examples: -She can't take a shower by herself. -She can't go up to a register and buy things for herself. -She can't figure out how to use any websites except for the ones she's used to. So it's kind of like she's "mentally" unable to do these things. Of course, she can physically take a shower. But she won't do it alone. Of course, she can do the math to figure out how much to pay. But send her to a cashier, and she'll look around confused on what to do. Of course, she's certainly capable of using websites like youtube. But put her on dailymotion (which is the exact same type of website), and she'll just walk away from the computer. She doesn't try to do new things, and she doesn't do things unless she's really, really used to it. We've tried teaching her to do things, but she doesn't really "learn" them. Put her in a similar situation later on, and she'll be just as confused as the first time. We've thought of trying to talk to her parents, but it sounds really bad. It's kind of like saying, "Hey, you raised you daughter wrong. This is how you should do it." There's also the possibility that they're aware of the problem, but obviously haven't done anything about it. In that case, what can we even say? So ... we're lost. No idea what to do. Anyone have any advice, or even heard of anything like this? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 She sounds like she needs professional help. Sorry, I don't think you just "talking" to her is going to make it better. She has a definite problem. I don't know whether it's because she's a spoiled princess, she has mental retardation, she has crippling insecurity, or WHAT. But something is wrong and it's definitely abnormal at her age. It honestly sounds like she has some sort of mental problem. She needs to see a professional, perhaps a doctor to start and see what he says. Talk to her parents about this. Link to comment
amob Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Is she autistic? Sounds like she has some sort of condition that would need a psychologist to diagnose. You are very kind to care for her. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 So it's kind of like she's "mentally" unable to do these things. There's a lot more at work here that you can even begin to fathom. While it's nice you're concerned, it's best you stay out of it. Her parents are certainly aware of her challenges, and whatever her problem is - mentally retarded, austistic, brain injury, congenital disease, etc...the last thing a parent wants to hear from ANYONE is that there is something "off" with their child, or, far worse as you suggested, telling them they raised their child wrong. Trust me. If her parents need to bathe her, they are fully aware of her problems. Stay out of it. Link to comment
turnera Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Assuming there's not a mental issue at play, the best response is to talk to her parents - or to have your parents talk to her parents - and let them know that they have to let go. When my DD21 was a junior in high school, he still didn't allow her to go to the mall without her. It took her counselor talking to my husband to get him to see that he was holding on way too tight. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Assuming there's not a mental issue at play, the best response is to talk to her parents - or to have your parents talk to her parents - and let them know that they have to let go. When my DD21 was a junior in high school, he still didn't allow her to go to the mall without her. It took her counselor talking to my husband to get him to see that he was holding on way too tight. I think this is very different. This girl is confused on doing these basic tasks by herself and seems unable to learn new ones. Not the same thing as just an overprotective parent who is overbearing on a fully capable teen or adult. I agree with the others - sounds a little autistic to me. She needs to go see a professional. I have little doubt that there is a mental issue going on. Link to comment
jellysandwich Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 I think this is very different. This girl is confused on doing these basic tasks by herself and seems unable to learn new ones. Not the same thing as just an overprotective parent who is overbearing on a fully capable teen or adult. I agree with the others - sounds a little autistic to me. She needs to go see a professional. I have little doubt that there is a mental issue going on. Yes, this is correct. Her parents are generally normal compared to most families ... just concerned about her going out late, or going out alone. So they're not extremely overprotective or anything. How might one suggest professional help? As for the "Hey, you raised you daughter wrong. This is how you should do it." part, of course we wouldn't say that. We would try to phrase it much nicer, but what we're afraid of is that they may interpret it that way. I do admit that we kind of feel like we should just stay out of it ... But I guess we care enough to want to help out if we somehow can. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Yes, this is correct. Her parents are generally normal compared to most families ... just concerned about her going out late, or going out alone. So they're not extremely overprotective or anything. How might one suggest professional help? As for the "Hey, you raised you daughter wrong. This is how you should do it." part, of course we wouldn't say that. We would try to phrase it much nicer, but what we're afraid of is that they may interpret it that way. I do admit that we kind of feel like we should just stay out of it ... But I guess we care enough to want to help out if we somehow can. If it's indeed a mental problem (which it sounds like it is) then parenting has nothing to do with it. Any sane person would know that. When a child has a problem lik that, it's not because of parenting. it's just how their brain is. I would approach them gently and mention specific examples and say "I'm just worried about her. Do you share my concerns?" Make the conversation about your concern for the child, not the parent's behaviour. Doesn't sound like they are doing anything wrong. Link to comment
TomboyMS Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 What about school? Is she in regular classes or special education classes? Can't take a shower by herself? That's an odd one. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 This sounds like it can be a very awkward conversation to have, but maybe necessary. It doesn't seem like she's hitting the 'milestones' she should be hitting. Just as how I know parents that get concerned when their child isn't talking by a certain age or can't read by a certain age, she should be at a developmental stage by now where she can do these things on her own (make purchases at the store, take a shower with no one home, etc...) I don't know - this will be an uncomfortable situation. If the parents are honest with themselves, they already know something is up. Maybe your parents can talk to her parents? ugh, very hard. I agree she should probably see a professional so she can get the treatment she needs. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I agree, you should stay out of their problems. There is nothing you will ever do to CHANGE her into someone like you. Link to comment
GingerMinx Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 My suggestion would be to talk to your parents about your concerns. If she is a cousin then they may know more about the situation than you or at least are on a more equal footing with her parents to be able to broach the subject. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I have a child with severe disabilities. If someone came to me and told ME what his problems are, they would be sorry they did. As if I am too ignorant to SEE it myself? Seriously? Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I have a child with severe disabilities. If someone came to me and told ME what his problems are, they would be sorry they did. As if I am too ignorant to SEE it myself? Seriously? Just to play devil's advocate, do you have your child seeing a professional for the disabilities? I wonder if the cousin's parents have her seeing a professional for these issues. Maybe she is already there, and it just hasn't been mentioned in the family?? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I would agree Miss Firecracker. I think in this case, given how there are many parents who still don't know a thing about autism, it may be helpful to the parents to hear something from a trusted friend. It really does sound like their daughter may have high functioning autism, and many of these children are just labeled as "slow" when they could potentially get help and help them learn to do basic tasks independently. The parents may very well be completely unknowing that something is up. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 My son has seen many professionals. He goes to a psychiatrist regularly and has for many years. That will never change him into a "normal" person. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 No, maybe not "normal" but can help him function better in society. I wonder if she is already being sent somewhere and the parents just haven't talked about it openly? is that a possibility OP? Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I know you only want the best for this girl, and I hope you can do something to help her. I truly do. Link to comment
katycloud Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 From a primary school teacher's perspective, it sounds like there is a strong possibility that she may have some kind of learning difficulties/delay. At 16, not hitting those milestones is very unusual... most children almost a decade younger than that could navigate through those life experiences themselves. Are the parents aware that she might be having some disability with certain things? Or do they believe she is acting 'normally'/appropriately for her age? I would definitely talk to them about it, and if I were the parents I would be talking to her teachers and other professionals to possibly diagnose some sort of delay, in order to eventually help her. Also, it's very dangerous to just jump on the bandwagon and say that she might have autism. The word 'autism' is very much a buzzword at the moment and when children are displaying odd delays in whatever areas of life, people just immediately assume that they need to be tested for autism. The truth is that there is a plethora of different learning delays, language disorders and other things out there that could be contributing to these actions. Good luck! I hope she can get the help and support that she needs! Link to comment
avman Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 If she has some sort of disability there are special services available to help her with those kinds of daily life activities. Depending on your area they may be called Developmental Disability Workers (DD Workers for short) or something similar. There are also Personal Care Assistants (PCAs) that can help with these kinds of things. This is assuming she actually has a medical/mental disability and needs the extra help. If she doesn't, there are lots of life skills classes and groups she could attend which may help her in these situations also. Link to comment
turnera Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 My suggestion would be to talk to your parents about your concerns. If she is a cousin then they may know more about the situation than you or at least are on a more equal footing with her parents to be able to broach the subject.I agree. Her parents won't hear anything coming from you. Your parents may be afraid to broach the subject though; if she goes to the same school as you, maybe you could talk to the school counselor about your concerns, and ask her to contact the girl's parents. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 I have a child with severe disabilities. If someone came to me and told ME what his problems are, they would be sorry they did. As if I am too ignorant to SEE it myself? Seriously? Really!!! I'm just astonished that people would recommend a teenager approach her aunt and uncle to discuss the "problems" with their teen daughter. Unless her parents are crack addicts, I am more than certain they are fully aware of her challenges. It's purely absurd to think that they would find this to be a newsflash. Particularly since the girl can't bathe herself. Like I said earlier - stay out of it. Parents are very aware of their childrens' limitations, even if they may appear outwardly in denial over it or not discuss it openly. It's simply not your business, OP, and you will rarely find a parent who would welcome your involvement. You really don't know why she's like this. As I suggested - could be a congenital problem, an effect of disease, a brain injury, birth defect, etc. Regardless of the origin, when a parent has a child with disabilities or special needs, they strive to create "normalcy". Both for the child, and how they are viewed by the world. You saying anything would be a huge no-no. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 On the flip side, she's not a child either. She's 2 years away from being an adult woman and seemingly doesn't have the skills to function as an adult woman. That is a bit worrying, and a person like that can get themselves into a lot of trouble if they are released out into the world. Maybe this is time for family involvement?? Link to comment
jellysandwich Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 Sigh. We couldn't decide on what to do. Even if we were to talk to them, we aren't sure what to say. I think we're gonna stay out of this one ... It's the safe thing to do, until we can come up with a better (or any) plan. For the time being, she has 1 more year in high school and then have 4 years at college. Theoretically, she could continue on like this for those 5 upcoming years. It's not like she'll be doing anything drastically different ... Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 I'm not sure how she is going to survive in college if she can't figure out how to work a simple website. Link to comment
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