Aleina2011 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I think I am losing my mind. I am feeling worse and worse every day and I have started contemplating horrible things. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to cry at work. i don't want to hurt the people I love, but I am doing all these things. I can't seem to find that extra strenght. This is my second and final break up with the same person. He has threatened to change his number. Please someone help. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 If you are really finding things unmanageable go to see your family doctor and have him get a referral for a therapist. They really can help. Also understand that what you are going through is normal. When my ex left after 14 years I thought my world had pretty much ended. But here I am roughly 20 months later a healthy and relatively happy person. It takes wading through a lot of crap to get to a good place after a significant relationship ends. There are no shortcuts and while we may want to rush things they will go at their own pace regardless. It's cliche but true. It takes time and often lots of it. So start with your doctor if it reallt is unmanageable. And give yourself permission to feel like crap and not function at full efficiency for some time. It will pass eventually. We all get through this and you will to. I'm rooting for you. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I think I am losing my mind. I am feeling worse and worse every day and I have started contemplating horrible things. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to cry at work. i don't want to hurt the people I love, but I am doing all these things. I can't seem to find that extra strenght. This is my second and final break up with the same person. He has threatened to change his number. Please someone help. I'm there with you, yesterday i was even gonna tell his wife about us but that is not me, i pulled myself together, jesus knows how.... Its hard, i know, my whole world has fell apart but i gotta keep pushing on, i still wake up every morning and i've got to get through the day, although i think on auto pilot..like Escosor says, i think you need to see the doctor, i had to do this after my last breakup with my ex ex...and it did help me. You'll get there hun...keep talking to us, we'll help you. love loulou x Link to comment
Aleina2011 Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 Thank you both. Today Igot home and I felt the urge to call him. I had deleted his number from my phone and I went crazy around the house to try and find his number on a piace of paper, something...thanks for your words... Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Hey Aleina Take care of yourself and just keep posting here if it helps - I'm 7 weeks after break-up and this place is keeping me sane. The pain can be unbearable at times but you're far from alone. And cry if you need to! x Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 If you need medical intervention, don't be afraid to ask for it. Valium and ENA saved me from the brink of insanit. Link to comment
jooj Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 it's normal to feel this way in the 1st month of a breakup. Cry, talk to others about the break up, post here in ENA, just do whatever it takes to release the pain and hurt inside of you. and most importantly keep strict NC and remove your ex from facebook. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 I thought my BU was going to kill me, but I didnt allow it to. Grieve and cry, that is all ok, and everyone does it, and many, many people on earth are going through that same emotion right now. Just know that its perfectly normal, and many go through it. Set aside hurt time. Cry, be angry, sad, whatever, just let it all out, squeeze it all out. Then, when that time is up, get involved with a hobby, read, start a series on netflix. Tomorrow, again, set aside time to dwell. You cant control your emotions, but you can try to control the timing of it if you can. Eventually, you wont care about setting away time to be sad, you just wont need it anymore. Link to comment
Aleina2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 Thank you all for your words of support. I realise I am being really stubborn and childish. If I was really the smart person I make out to be, I would not be so unreasonable. Instead, I refuse to move on. Yesterday I went just crazy trying to find his number which I had deleted from my phone. Eventually I reactivated my FB and found him online. I asked him to chat.He was civil but very brief. He said he knew it was over because he was unwilling to try. He said he would like to stay friends but time needs to pass, right now it wouldn't do me any good. How reasonable right? I said, you said the same last year. He said, true but this time I am not willing to try. OK. I can see it there is no hope here for me, still my heart can't help but hope. Am I just being selfish? childish? I know millions of people split up everyday etc. I am ashamed of how I act and things I say. I hate feeling like this and nugging him. He said he knows. Guess him taking the high moral ground hurts a lot, when I just wish he wanted to be with me instead. And where do I go from here? I am alone in this big city, I have already taken all the classes and course and my week is very busy. But I have started to skip those because in the middle of them I just feel panic attacks and want to leave. I have always found hard to remove negative thoughts esepcially at times of happiness. And now my mind has even more material to dwell on the negative. I really don't want to take meds... Link to comment
SorrowandPain Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 You are Your intelligence and ability to reason have nothing to do with this. Your breakup is very fresh and right now, your emotions are controlling everything. Everything everyone said before me is 100% correct. What you are feeling is normal and do not be so hard on yourself. It’s going to take time and a lot of it but just take it day by day. Do NOT contact him. Every time you do, you open that wound and dig deeper into it. Trust me I’ve been there. You are not selfish or childish. You are grieving and it’s totally normal. Set a goal to not contact him or dig up any info on him on FB or whatever for 1 day. 1 day will then become 2 days. 2 days will then become a week. Just go no-contact no matter what. The urges will be there but you will be able to control them better if you string together a few days of NC. Please seek help you if you are having really dark thoughts but remember at the same time, there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. Link to comment
Aleina2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 What you are feeling is normal and do not be so hard on yourself. I took him for granted and didn't show appreciation while we were together, I kept pushing for more when he said he wasn't ready. I called this upon myself, I ruined things. Why do we do this? Ruining the things we love? Why do we only realise we love them when they are gone for good? I knew all of this after we split up for the second time but I didn't apply my lessons learnt when I was given a second chance. I felt so strong and critical of the relationship but didn't realise that the very reason I felt that strong was precisely because I was in the relationship. He will not take any more of this, I have said all of this before, he's probabily sick to death of hearing my voice. I would be. I am hard on myself because I am unable to be in a relationship and unable to let go of the same relationship. Either way, I just can't seem to get it right. I plead for second, third chances and I make a mess of them. Sorry, rant over. Thanks for your posts. Link to comment
Springs Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Aleina I'm so sorry. All of us have been where you are, and it is so hard. In your last post, you are blaming yourself, Saying 'if only I did this, or that, he would want me'. I have been doing this too, as I broke up with him then wanted him back. I said 'if only I just gave him time to change, to grow, he wasn't ready' etc etc. But you need to be true to yourself. You want what you want and staying in a relationship where you need to push the other person to catch up with you is not healthy. It's only natural to have the 'what ifs' but it helps me to feel stronger when I realise that at times he just did not give me what I needed. Perhaps if you realise this about your ex too it will help you to move on. We are in a similar position, being far from home with no support network other than him, and all I can say to you is make plans for the future. Think about where you want to be and get there. It is so hard but keep posting and be strong! You were born with the strength to go through this, otherwise it wouldn't be given to you to manage. Link to comment
Aleina2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Author Share Posted October 22, 2011 But you need to be true to yourself. You want what you want and staying in a relationship where you need to push the other person to catch up with you is not healthy. that's true, he said to me: "I wish you find a man who can make you happy. because you deserve it". Now obviously these words are stuck in my mind and as they are coming from him they sting. Truth is, I no longer know what I want. When I was with him I thought I wanted more committment from him, although we already lived together and all. Now, I would be grateful if he just went out for dinner with me. I know, I know...pathetic isn't it? I can't bring myself to make plans for the future because that was exactly what caused problems with my ex. I would always make plans and he just wanted to live in the present, stress out less about the future. I have achieved all the things I wanted and it would be healthy for me to just relax a bit and enjoy what I have. But with him gone now, I can neither look at the future not enjoy the present. Thanks for your support, it means a lot. Link to comment
loulou37 Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 I think you are being really hard on yourself, i know we all do it after a break up, i too pushed for more from my ex but it is normal in a relationship to want to be with the other person, i only see my ex 3 times a month so i wasn't being unreasonable, i loved him and wanted to be with him....i took all the blame for the break up, beating myself up over and over again. I then thought...hang on here!! we both were to blame, i done my bit to wreck things and so did he...it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and it also takes 2 to break it. You will get there, just keep talking it out with us here, we want to help, we are all here for each other hun. loulou x Link to comment
Springs Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 This sounds EXACTLY like me! Honestly for the past 2 months, I have been sursing myself for breaking up with him because I was convinced I was happy, he was enough, he did give me what I wanted. Only for my family and friends reminding me that actually, he just wanted different things from me,. He never wanted to sleep over, never wanted to talk about our future, always wanted to stay in at the weekend etc. You know what. Last night I had a read through our old messages on facebook. I knew we had a fight about those exact things a few weeks before the split, but I couldn't remember the details. And when I checked there it was in black and white. 'we want different things'. We fought over and over angain about it. I felt so frustrated that he couldn't quite seem to understand that I wasn't being 'spoilt and demanding' (his words), I was being honest with him about my needs and what I wanted from this relationship. We always ended up making up because we were in love of course. But sometimes it just is not enough. When I split with him, naively I just assumed he would realise I meant business and make the changes for me. But he didn't, he hasn't and he won't. He doesn't want to. He wants what he wants. We don't fit. I love him with all my heart, but like your ex, he is not willing to go the extra mile. It hurts like hell, but what are you going to do to change it? Be honest in your heart that really, it wasn't working was it? We're all going through the same pain, we just need to take it day by day and soon, we will get there. Link to comment
northpickle Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 You know what. Last night I had a read through our old messages on facebook. I knew we had a fight about those exact things a few weeks before the split, but I couldn't remember the details. And when I checked there it was in black and white. 'we want different things'. We fought over and over angain about it. I felt so frustrated that he couldn't quite seem to understand that I wasn't being 'spoilt and demanding' (his words), I was being honest with him about my needs and what I wanted from this relationship. We always ended up making up because we were in love of course. But sometimes it just is not enough. I can relate to this too - I kept all our emails from the whole relationship and although I haven't read too many of them, I can even tell by the frequency that things weren't going right - from 4 or 5 emails a day at first, to maybe 2 a week at the end. And the funny witty subject lines at first, big long interesting emails to at the end the subject line of "Hey" with maybe only a few sentences. Maybe it all went too quick and we burned each other out? Who knows? ********* Clarity about the relationship comes with time, and NC! Yeah, I still love him and would like to work things out but it's not a goal now, it would be a nice thing to happen but it's not what my world revolves around now. I did all the blaming myself Aleina too, it's only natural, but it definitely takes two people for a break-up to happen. We're all here for you x Link to comment
Aleina2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me and for your support Link to comment
Joanne19852010 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 I feel like that even today he reminded me that he proposed to me six times over the nine years and i never answered properly now i'd give anything just for a hug from him...i didn't appreciate him, i didn't think i needed to that sounds awful but it's the truth...i just assumed he would adore me forever without me having to give anything back...the worst part is now i finally know how much i adore, love, want and need him and would show him every second of the day and its too late. Link to comment
cocoon2012 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Sorry to hear about the hard situation you are at. I think the level of your feeling and anxiety is too high and he can not handle it. he has been trying to bring closure to your relation but has been always afraid of your anxiety level and had kept waiting till now which looks like a natural death to your relation!......Aleina, we are not our emotion!, the difference between human being and other beings is that we can stand outside of ourselves and do Selective reactions. We are able to manage our feeling and have "delayed response". Our longs does not have muscles and our breathing pattern depends on the situation can become too emotional and negatively effect our reactions and body energy. I think instead of running after your lost relation you should start working on your own self!, do rhythmic workout like jogging, dancing,swimming,...and keep up your rhythm during the day>...we have to take over the life otherwise the life and old habits will take over..... Link to comment
Daev Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Hey Aleina, try and stay strong... When a relationship ends, I believe that it is EASIER to blame ourselves than our ex'es. Why???? Because in our crazy minds we believe that if it is *our* fault - it is easier for *us* to change and compromise than expect them to. I feel that this is why you are being so critical of yourself, it is part of clinging on to what 'has been'. Unfortunately in most cases, our ex'es have their own views and behaviours, and once we ACCEPT and understand that they are not going to change (and this is *who* they really are), then we can finally say to ourselves - "Well, in the end, we just are not compatible, that's why it ended" - and it is just as much down to him, as it is you. Please stop giving yourself such a hard time. Please stay strong, and keep posting. Relationships are about communication and compromise, but you should never have to change yourself *that* much for one to succeed. That goes for you, and your ex. Link to comment
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