DerekJason Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 The ex before the current one reached out after 2 years, sent an email, and fb requested me in the same week. at that point i was waaaaaay over it. she wasnt seeking recon, but still. the current ex isn't as needy. i have dubbed her "stonewall" after the confederate general. Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Don't worry about "Friend-Zoned"...haha.. Look, those are all fun terms, but none of them hold any water if you know how to do a bit of seduction re-trigger the WOman's attraction for you .. Thanks for the reply HopeArises. A little bit of gender reversal... I'm a dude, my ex is an ex-girlfriend! Yeah, I know that seduction plays a huge role on reconciliation and bringing back the initial spark that an exgf once had for a guy...however, to come to that point, forgiveness must comes first, and that's a step I haven't quite achieved yet... Okay, so about being friends. That is EXACTLY what you want to do with him initially. You don't want to go back to the old relationship. That one ENDED. It broke. If there will be a new one, it will be just that...NEW. You have to start out somewhere. Friends is the perfect way to start. You will have an advantage though, because you know him and you know what he likes. One thing you should understand going into this, is that you cannot be the one to be pushing for more than friendship right now. When with him (be it by text, email, phone, or in person), make it a fun and enjoyable experience for him and leave him wanting more. So essentially, in what contact you do have, you be a desirable and attractive person who has LEARNED from her mistakes and is living her life and HAPPY with her life and this spells confidence and independence. Very attractive qualities. Don't label anything in the beginning. Just test out the waters slowly and see what comes from that. Don't talk about feelings. Don't talk about relationship. NO PRESSURE. This works and it works WELL. Friendship is also something that I cannot have with my exgf for several reasons: 1. the hurt she put me through hasn't faded yet, so I can't even think about talking with her without lashing off all the stuff I kept inside my head during BU... I still have A LOT of anger inside me...4 months NC helped slightly with that one, but I'm still going through an emotional rollercoaster on a daily basis... Once I get to that point of total forgiveness, I might be able to stop thinking about lashing off on her...then, I would be at a point of indifference, where most likely I wouldn't feel any need to seducing her again, nor any thoughts of reconciliation... And apparently it will still take me A LOT of time to get to that point... therapy is helping, keeping myself busy as well, but I'm still feeling a lot of post-BU shockwaves that affected my whole life (not only emotionally, but also professionally)... So, I'll follow your advice on NO PRESSURE, mainly applying it to myself... Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 anyone else here that had this long nc and the ex later contacted? Ex-ex-gf came back after 10 months of total NC. She was still in love with me, even after all my crapy behaviour post-BU (stalking online, stealing her passwords, email hacking, etc...)... we "tried" reconciliation, but during that 2 month attempt, I realised I didn't love her anymore, and at that same time more or less my most current exgf showed up in my life... So, for me it's true what they say: "They (almost) always come back. Usually they do it too late"... Link to comment
lanaa Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I've had ex's contact 25-30 weeks, one was a year and a half. Everyone's experience is different though. Thankfully each and every time they reached out, I was over them. I see,i guess they usually do it once we are over them.My ex was a jerk at the end,and he didnt try to contact me at all.Only my sister a few times Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I see,i guess they usually do it once we are over them. That's about it... my personal background proves exactly that point. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I see,i guess they usually do it once we are over them.My ex was a jerk at the end,and he didnt try to contact me at all.Only my sister a few times Thats what they say, they come sniffing when you moved on or found someone else, that has always happened to me. Note, none of my ex's were in love with me except one, that "one" reached out a year later, she is the ONLY one i maintain contact with to this day (her reason for breaking up made a lot of sense, she was 1 with a strict parent, and i was 23 with a lot of issues), and she is the only so far I would take back (though i ruined it when i tried to get with her sister... yeah, i was bitter and immature over the hit to my self-esteem, she is an ex of 8 years ago). I had an ex not even tell me she wanted to break up, she just avoided me. I tricked her into meeting me (calling private, then telling her i had her kids blanket, which i did, so we met up). Tell me how this BIRD was holding back a laugh when i was getting sad that she was cold and wanted to end things. This fool chased me for 5 YEARS after that, and i just kept feeding her hope, making out with her, then dropping off the face of the earth when she thought we were going to be something. Was this mature... no, do i care, nope, its was a looooooot of fun (i told her last week i have evolved beyond her level to attempt a reconnection and she deleted me off facebook, lol). I had one tell me on the phone, "f you, i dont want to be with you f'ing anymore, stop calling me, f off!" I went NC (i was a rebound, and her ex or someone else i am sure came through and replaced me, hence the anger, because she must have slipped away from the dude and decided to be mean so i dont blow her spot on her bday next to this new dude), she aplogized a week later and formally Broke up with me. She came back a few months later, i ignored, came back a few more months after that, i ignored her contact, i added her to myspace, then ignored her and she got mad and deleted me. I guess she saw the skinny kid she was with is now a muscled guy with a lot of girls leaving him pic comments, which is what i wanted to do. Feed off their behavior, and use that as your exit if they ever think they can come crawling back. Link to comment
lanaa Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 I had an ex not even tell me she wanted to break up, she just avoided me. I tricked her into meeting me (calling private, then telling her i had her kids blanket, which i did, so we met up). Tell me how this BIRD was holding back a laugh when i was getting sad that she was cold and wanted to end things. This fool chased me for 5 YEARS after that, and i just kept feeding her hope, making out with her, then dropping off the face of the earth when she thought we were going to be something. Was this mature... no, do i care, nope, its was a looooooot of fun (i told her last week i have evolved beyond her level to attempt a reconnection and she deleted me off facebook, lol). . LOL that is mean but she did deserve it,totally! hahaha! how can you try to get with he sister,thats evil lol? now i am starting to have doubts why my ex contacts my sister lol...but we are long distancedifferent country),,,and they didnt know eachother...so i doubt he would want to try anything that is most probably doomed Link to comment
hodgeheg Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 My dad's sage words on this subject: "One day he'll come crawling back and you can tell him to shove it up his a*se." (that's a$$ for you non-British)When I tried to say differently he said "No, you'll tell him to stuff it." But saying that, he left my mum (before they had me) and went crawling back to her 3 months later. It's their 20th wedding anniversary next year! Link to comment
Eocsor Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 This has got to be the biggest myth out there, that they always reach out somewhere down the road. While it may happen for some it doesn't happen for most. If you're waiting for them you may be till hell freezes over. Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 This has got to be the biggest myth out there, that they always reach out somewhere down the road. While it may happen for some it doesn't happen for most. If you're waiting for them you may be till hell freezes over. Well, unfortunately that's part of the issue: if we're waiting for them, they WON'T come back. Only when you move on, and lose all hope that they will reach out...that's when they usually pop their heads out (happened to me more than once: true story!) Link to comment
Eocsor Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Well, unfortunately that's part of the issue: if we're waiting for them, they WON'T come back. Only when you move on, and lose all hope that they will reach out...that's when they usually pop their heads out (happened to me more than once: true story!) Again, not true. It happens sometimes but not often. And even when they contact you most often it's not because they miss you or want you back, it's simple curiosity or guilt. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 LOL that is mean but she did deserve it,totally! hahaha! how can you try to get with he sister,thats evil lol? now i am starting to have doubts why my ex contacts my sister lol...but we are long distancedifferent country),,,and they didnt know eachother...so i doubt he would want to try anything that is most probably doomed My ex's sister was older, closer to my age, plus, she was freaking hot. I was just bitter, but yeah, she was seriously hot. Link to comment
fromnywithlove Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Alright, so last night I saw my ex among a group of friends. We met up beforehand to get a quick bite to eat. When he saw me, he kissed me on the cheek twice and gave me a big hug. But he was late (couldn't find parking) so we just ended up going for an aperitif at a bar instead. Then we went to the place where we were supposed to meet friends. I noticed that he sat next to me, wanted to buy me a drink, and wherever he sat he completely faced me. Like, in his chair, his chest and toes were facing me. I know that is a symbol for attraction (subconsciously). He also leaned in pretty close to me when we would talk and I saw him checking out my cleavage (it wasn't hanging out, but I did have to bend over to get my bag) more than once. We were eating fries and I had gotten three fries on the fork and one time, and was trying to shake the two extra ones off the fork. He said, "just eat all three!" and I said, "I can't put them all in my mouth" (meaning I didn't want to take this huge honking mouthful of fries in front of everyone else) and he said, jokingly, "oh yes you can!" Nobody else heard this, so we started cracking up. Later on in the night I asked him to come outside really quickly because I had to tell him something. He probably thought I was going to bed for reconciliation, but I threw him a curveball. I said, "look, I'm sorry for how things played out between us, but I consider you a friend (I do) and I don't want things to be awkward between us at all." He said, "well, that's good. I hold no ill will towards you either. But we really shouldn't talk about this and separate from the group now." He already made plans with me to see me tomorrow, just the two of us. I have to tell you that he looked absolutely more handsome than I had ever seen him before. I can't even tell you. But I made the distinct effort to not hover around him all night and it wasn't that difficult. At the end of the night, he volunteered to walk me home, kissed me again, I told him I had a great time, he said "I'm glad, me too", and he lingered as I stepped into the courtyard of my apartment. He said, "be safe," I said "thank you," and that was that. How do you think it went? OH! Another thing. I asked him to show me pictures of his cat (I love his cat lol) on his phone and he instead showed me pictures of me on his phone. I said, "can I delete them?" and he got all upset! He said, "NO!" and snatched the phone back. And I was like, "whoa, relax" and he said, "it's memories" or something like that. Link to comment
fromnywithlove Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 He just told me he's going to call me after work. It seems the tables have turned! I was here for a week or so on a business trip before yesterday when I started my vacation and I told his mom who in turn told him. He asked me quite a few times to go out together but I always rejected him until *I* wanted to. It feels good. Link to comment
fromnywithlove Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Also, one other thing! I had taken out my compact during the night to look at my eye makeup (to check if anything was running) and he goes, "don't worry, you look great!" Ha! Link to comment
Hastyhand Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 I say you did good. If you want to have just a platonic friendship with him and if you can take it ..do it. If you dont feel like you can handle it, then dont. Link to comment
fromnywithlove Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 Update: Last night we went out to dinner together. He called to ask if he could come over earlier to see my place and to hang out. I said sure. He came over and hugged me out of nowhere, saying "this apartment is so cute!" (I'm renting it while I'm here). I half-hugged back but he definitely went in for a big one. I had put on a really nice dress to go out to dinner with him but when I realized how early it was, I changed to a sweater and jeans. He said I looked pretty in the dress and later at dinner he said I looked pretty in the sweater. We watched a show, then went out for dinner where we had a great time! The convo flowed, we laughed the whole time. He leaned in more than once to get closer and so did I. People around us probably thought we were a couple. Afterwards, he came back to my place and we watched movies until midnight. I said to him, "I'm glad you came over" while he was sitting next to me on the couch and he just smiled his little goofy smile. I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I resisted. I hardly touched him except for a little pat on the arm here or there when talking. He started to get uncomfortable on the couch (he's big- almost 6'2'' and the couch is really small), so he went to the floor. I got him two pillows and tucked him in with a blanket. At around midnight, he said he should get going because he had to have lunch with his aunt tomorrow (he told me about this at dinner too). There is a gate before my outside door and I closed it before he could hug me, but I'm sure he would have if I hadn't closed it. I texted him to drive home safely and to let him know I had a great night. He texted back, "me too, you're great people. Don't worry so much! Sleep tight and let me know if you get back early tomorrow" (today I was supposed to go sight-seeing somewhere else, but I'm taking the day to work inside because it's raining out). Are things looking good? Link to comment
fromnywithlove Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 He's coming over in two hours. Link to comment
Airbag Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 He's coming over in two hours. I'm very excited for you! I hope all goes well. Link to comment
fromnywithlove Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 Alright, so I'll let you know how it went. He came over about 20 mins before the restaurant opens up for dinner. I went downstairs and we hugged and he kissed me on my forehead. We were still a bit early so we walked around. He showed me an apartment he had been thinking of renting, and we just kind of went for a nice little walk and chat. We were making each other laugh and sort of teasing each other like we did when we were together. At the restaurant, we got take out. I paid this time because last time he paid (last time he paid for a nice sit down dinner, so it was the least I could do). He immediately took the bags and umbrella from me and carried everything. At my place we watched movies and ate. He saw I was eating almost all the bread I had and without me asking, gave me more bread. After finishing the food, I mentioned I was cold, so he sprang up to check the thermostat. I was wearing a shirt that kind of showed cleavage (can't help them- they're not that small!) and I noticed he was looking but not trying to show it. This didn't bother me, but instead made me chuckle. I was sitting on the couch under blankets and he said I could put my feet accross his lap to lay down to get comfy. I was about to but he got up to pee. When he got back, he laid on the floor in front of me. About 15 mins later, I gave him a noogie on the back of his head from where I was sitting on the couch, and he in turn put his arms back up to grab me (his back was still to me). He just so happened to reach and grab my boobs, and we both started cracking up. I noticed at that point he was pretty excited through his jeans. He pulled me down to the floor with him to try to tickle my feet (he knows I'll pee in my pants if I'm tickled too long (lololol, I know). He always loved to tickle me because it cracked him up). I don't think he noticed that I saw what was going on through his pants. We calmed down and he motioned for me to come lie next to him under the blanket and put my head on his chest together on the floor. He wrapped his left arm around me and said, "you know, I don't hate you at all." He was being really affectionate and just great to me, like I remembered he was during the good times. When I first sat down to lie next to him, he kissed me on the cheek. I told him, "I'm not sad anymore. I'm getting a handle on my issues" and he squeezed me even tighter. I said, "this is nice" and he said, "yes it is." I put my hand on his chest and he put a couple of his fingers over mine and we intertwined them. A little while later, he went to tickle my feet again and we started to wrestle again. This time again I noticed he was excited. I know I could have turned my head and kissed him and be weak, begging him for sex, but I wasn't going to do that. I made him be the one to show affection. The whole time I didn't lay a single kiss on his cheek, but he kissed me a total of three times last night. I wanted him to stay over because it was nice being together like that, but around 12:30 he left. I said, "don't go" and he said he didn't want to have to drive back home too early in the morning. Fair enough. I walked him to the door and he turned around and gave me a big hug (chest to chest, full body press kind of hug) and bent down to kiss my forehead. He asked me if I was sightseeing tomorrow and I told him I probably was. So far he's been the one to initiate contact the next day and plan things. Tomorrow evening should I say come over? Or take a break to keep him guessing? Link to comment
fromnywithlove Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 I also should mention I'm kind of thankful he didn't try anything beyond placing my head against his chest. Because I was excited too. My heart was beating a mile a minute when we first laid down together on the floor. I would have let him do anything in that moment, but he acted like a gentleman. I'm thankful for that. Link to comment
fromnywithlove Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 So I bit the bullet and called him. What's the harm, right? I'm noticing each time we talk, he sounds happier and happier. I'm going over his place tonight- it will be the first time in over a year. Excited!! I'll get to see his adorable cat too. I should have gotten custody of her in the breakup lolol. Do you think he's leaning towards some sort of reconciliation? It's weird- he told me over and over again before I actually got here that he wasn't interested in dating again and then poof! He sees me in person and kisses me on the cheek, on the forehead, randomly hugs me, asks me to lay down with him, buys me dinner, calls me more than he ever did before. If you really want to know what I think, I think he *is* rethinking this. I think he's been lonely since I left and he really did miss me. Link to comment
why do we Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 Well let us know what happens after you start sleeping with him, then his intentions will be clear soon enough, I guess. Link to comment
fromnywithlove Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 I'm not going to sleep with him any time soon. It would mess me up. Not ready for it, but I will definitely take a cuddle and a kiss. Link to comment
why do we Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 I'm not going to sleep with him any time soon. It would mess me up. Not ready for it, but I will definitely take a cuddle and a kiss. Good Let's see if he makes his genuine intentions clearer Link to comment
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