fromnywithlove Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Hello all! I dated the person who I consider the love of my life for almost two years. We started to make each other unhappy (dealing with a huge move, death in my family, money issues) and just sort of crumbled. We broke up in February but have had limited contact up until about a week ago. Also, I didn't know it but during our relationship, I was suffering from dysthymia (I still am, but it is under control and I am feeling better than I have ever felt in my life). After feeling heartbroken for months, I imposed NC as a way to fully heal and break away from him. I realize there are other fish in the sea and that honestly, I am a great catch. I realize that if a person wants to be in your life, they will make it their business to do so. Nothing would stop a person who really does love you. Immediately before going into NC, I had a sort of meltdown on the phone with him. I asked him point blank why he didn't love me anymore. He said, "I do love you. I love you in such a way that if anyone were to hurt you or to try to upset you, I would kill them. I would never let anyone hurt you." He said that if he hasn't ever been in a relationship with me before and just met me randomly, he would be very attracted to me and very interested, but that knowing our history (by this, I know he meant my depression) he would be leery. Some days he would tell me if I got my dysthymia in check he would be very open to being in a relationship again- other days he says he's very happy being single as he gets to concentrate on work. We've had our ups and downs just like everyone else, but our love for each other was very real. Before we broke up we were looking at homes together, but I had to move back home (many, many miles away) due to the death of a very close family member. His mother thought I was the woman he would marry and so did he along with many other people, but it just fell apart when we tried to maintain our relationship long distance while I waited for him to make the move to be near me and near more job prospects (I come from a very large city). I still have a very soft spot for him in my heart; he was my rock, my strength when I needed him the most and even now I feel a pang of loss when I think about him. Now that I am feeling better I am starting to realize I do not need him. But what if I genuinely liked being around him? If I genuinely adored his company? We would laugh for hours just doing the silliest things. I know there will be others, but what if I still love him? Do they ever reach out to you if their love was real in the first place? I'm not making contact anymore. He knows how I feel. I can't deal with the heartache anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenimonster Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Dysthymia + Contact is like a double whammy. You shouldn't do the other if you already have one. It's gonna hurt but you gotta do it if you want to get better. If not it's gonna take forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fromnywithlove Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 I'm not sure I understand. If you're saying keep going the NC route, that's what I'm doing. I just filtered his e-mail addresses to go to my trash bin in my e-mail server. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Well, they can and they do --- but you can't put your life on hold waiting for it to happen. And, as you are past the point of needing him in your life, only wanting him....I would say it's best to let go completely so you can heal. In addition, in your case, it is a lot to think that he would make the move to be with you (ending the LD) when you are no longer in a relationship. You will always love him, in that he was there for you when you needed him most --- but in time that love will fade, not disappear, but fade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fromnywithlove Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 Mhowe, I forgot to mention that the reason I moved back was to tie up loose ends, finish school, deal with the death in my family. It is only a temporary move (even though when we were still together he was seriously considering moving to be with me as his job prospects here would have been better). My job prospects in the particular field I am in are much better in the city where I used to live, so I made a sacrifice for my career in moving back home. It is a very small, niche market that tends to do better in the particular city I lived in. Before moving back home, I also intended on getting my PhD there as well (they have a fantastic school with the program I am interested in). So, I will be back where I started in terms of living space within about 5-6 months' time. I am not moving back specifically *for* him, but it is nice that we will be closer again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meoww Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 of course they reach out sometimes--but you'll have to evaluate the pros and cons when the time comes. Do you really want to be with someone who may bail when life is difficult? I understand why he's apprehensive about dating someone with mild depression but on the other hand, I'd hope he'd be a bit more supportive. For now, I'd consider trying to make a clean break from this relationship. You don't want to be pining away for him, even if it's only for 6 months. Who knows what will happen during that time. if you rekindle things--I'd keep my eyes open to any signs that you're putting more into the relationship than he is. all the best! at least you're not moving for him, if you're enjoying your own life then I'm sure you're capable of weathering the storm : ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Do they reach out? Sometimes but not as often as you'd think. And when they do it's usually not to get back together. They are just curious about your life or want to be friendly or a host of other reasons but actually wanting to reconcile is rare. A lot of people use the logic that " Nothing would stop a person who really does love you." but it's simply not true. A lot of things can stop a person from reaching out. Sometimes it's up to the dumpee to make the first move. It all depends on what you really want in life and how much pain you think you can handle. I'm a big fan of No Contact to heal oneself. But after you have healed(which means a good deal of time has gone by) if you still feel you'd like to see if you can restart the magic and you can handle the fact that it might not work, you may have to be the one that bites the bullet and makes the first move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I would still go w/ my original thought, except there is the possibility that distance will not be the roadblock it was before. You can explore the possibility when you return to your original location, but realize that it is only a possiblity --- by no means certain. It takes 2 people to get back together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanaa Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 A lot of people use the logic that " Nothing would stop a person who really does love you." but it's simply not true. A lot of things can stop a person from reaching out. Sometimes it's up to the dumpee to make the first move. It all depends on what you really want in life and how much pain you think you can handle. Could you an example when its up to the dumpee to reach out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gluestick Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Could you an example when its up to the dumpee to reach out? My cousin's wife was the one who reach out. Before they got married, they were broken up for a little over 2 years. She was the one who reached out to him and they got back together and eventually married. I asked my cousin if he would have initiated contact and he said no. So sometimes it is up to the dumpee to reach out first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanaa Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 oh Gosh....yeah thats hard,,im in NC 6 weeks..so now i dont know maybe i should try and reach out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fromnywithlove Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 To be honest, I don't think you should reach out. Does he know how you feel? If he already knows that you're open to reconciliation, leave it at that. If it's only been 6 weeks, it's safe to assume any relationship he gets into will still be in rebound territory. Wait a little while more. I'm in NC until I absolutely have to see my ex (next month due to a function with friends) and I just plan on having a good time with him as a friend. Hopefully he'll see I'm happier. And to answer the question, he didn't break up with me because of my depression. He broke up with me because my depression caused me to be insecure and sad all the time, and I made him believe no matter what he did was never enough. But that wasn't me talking- it was my disease. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanaa Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 No he doesnt know how i feel,,never told him.Thats why i was thinknig Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fromnywithlove Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 I would still wait a little while. Why not an even two months? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 oh Gosh....yeah thats hard,,im in NC 6 weeks..so now i dont know maybe i should try and reach out From the response that said his cousin had to reach out, not her husband to be......they were broken up for 2 YEARS. Do not break NC @ 6 weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 When I said sometimes the dumpee has to reach out I also said after a significant amount of time has passed and you are healed. If it's still raw and you are still desperate to get back, well thats a recipe for disaster. The one time I reconciled successsfully in my life, contact of any kind hadn't taken place for a full year. That gives time for both parties emotions to settle down and it gives you a clearer perspective on the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fromnywithlove Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 Well, just a little update. It's been about 10 days and so far no word from him. The last time I spoke to him I asked him point blank if I went away how long it would take for him to reach out. He said less than a month. Not sure if he just said it to make me feel better (I was very upset) or if he really meant it. Anyway, the point is I have to move on with my life. I have to live my life on my terms, not because I think there is a chance I could get back together with someone. The reality is I will be moving back to the town where we met, but I don't plan on being the one to reach out for a long time, if at all. My ex before him and I remained friends. Because enough time has passed since our breakup (more than three years) and we ended things on good terms, I am confident we could get back together. I truly, truly believe in my heart that two people who dated a long time ago but who have broken up do have a chance if enough time has passed. Nothing is impossible. You might not get back together now, but who knows? If maybe a year or two down the road you two meet up again and there's some spark, something great could happen. You could also fall back into old patterns but the key is to treat it as if it were a new relationship and to bring to the table all the important lessons you've learned in the past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorshammer Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I dont think you should pressure him. He already knows the commitment you have to offer, there is no question to your loyalty or seriousness. Right now the big question is the why? Right now you need to heal, not only because its the best way to deal with the situation, but also because it will make you stronger, and to some extent it will ring in your ex's head that he is losing someone who is committed and serious. You don't miss something completely if its waiting for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fromnywithlove Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Hey Thor, Thanks for your reply. I'm not pressuring him or reaching out at all at the moment. However, we will be in the same room in November for a mutual event. How should I act then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Like he's an old friend who you have some catching up to do ----but do not make him the focus of the event. Mingle, socialize --- you aren't a couple anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fromnywithlove Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Good point. There is a strong possibility he and I along with a couple of other friends will be taking a weekend trip together. Of course we won't be sleeping in the same room. I plan on just being my normal, awesome self around him. Hopefully he'll realize what he's missing. If not, then it's his problem I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 Exactly. Take the high road, be your normal, charming self --- and enjoy yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fromnywithlove Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 I would be totally lying if I said I wasn't planning on wearing something that kind of... ahem... shows off my boobs though. Hahaha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 No one said you had to play fair --- just play nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fromnywithlove Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 I always play nice. It's my character. But he's going to sit accross from me at dinner and pine for me. I'll make sure of it! haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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