redrose85 Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 It sounds more like you just want to get married and any guy could fill the place of the groom. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 I think you are thinking about how the future needs to be, not only for you, but for your son. And you are financially responsible, while your bf is not. And he has over a quarter million in debt....there is no wedding in his future, heck --- there's no place to live in his future. And he's paying off school loans, but working a minimum wage job. And you need to remind him to pay his share after a year of living together at YOUR place. Regardless of whether you care for him or not, your priority has to be to create a stable environment for your son. While they have bonded, how much of it has to do with the living arrangement and how much of it has to do with concerted effort. I would move on. He sounds completely unmotivated to change his life in the near future. Link to comment
Kalika Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 I guess this brings us to the question Crazyaboutdogs brought up, OP: Do you love him? Regardless of whether you care for him or not, your priority has to be to create a stable environment for your son. While they have bonded, how much of it has to do with the living arrangement and how much of it has to do with concerted effort. I love him a lot but I am sure a lot of people on this board will think that I don't because I'm considering leaving him over this issue. He is a great guy other than this. If he asked me tomorrow to marry him, I would say no because of how things are right now. But other than this issue, which is a pretty huge issue, he is perfect for me. And my son loves him because he has always been kind with him and spends a lot of time playing with him and teaching him things. Link to comment
Kalika Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 It sounds more like you just want to get married and any guy could fill the place of the groom. That's not true at all. If that were true, I would have been married by now. Link to comment
Kalika Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 There was a lot of shady lending going on 6, 7 years ago. People getting approved for mortgages they couldn't afford. We know what happened. Agreed, Annie. This is a classic case of predatory lending. His income was not stable back then, although he was making good money at the time. No good bank should have approved that mortgage. Sorry for all the replies in a row .. I'm trying to flip through all the responses and respond quickly while I'm making dinner! Link to comment
ChellyV Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Have you tried discussing things with him, like the short term, long term impact on both of your lives given the financial problems? And have you tried to brainstorm on these issues together as a couple? Try to imagine yourself in his shoes, would you expect your mate to help you out? I would say any relationship is an investment and that the world is round. If he has the initiative to make things better, then I am sure one day it will. Nobody is at the top all the time. Link to comment
muze Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 I am basically at the same place you're at. Check my recent posts. I understand your feeling of love vs. knowing you have some time limit to keep trying. I love my bf, but I als feel like I want to get married and have children. My bf is not making a hurry. I think it is also a part of acknowledgement that when he gets married it's serious for him too and you expect him to step up and be a man and take care of his family. At least, that's the idea I have with marriage. But maybe an earlier poster was right: it's probably better to get out while you can, since marriage will not change the person. I also understand the feeling of love vs. the resentment over money/effort. My bf hasn't help pay any basic expenses (like rent of $800) for the last three years. Also, my bf works many hours, but he doesn't get paid at all and he basically works from home all the time, which means he gets up late, takes naps during the day and wants me to go out over the weekends (when I want to rest after a long working week). I do love him though and I hate telling him I would like him to step up, because I don't want to hurt his ego. I think the other posters who say 'oh well, he's working and trying at least' also forget that some persons (not my bf) really don't make an effort to grow. They are okay being stuck, because their gf will help out anyway (enablers). Link to comment
WhenWillILove Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Money shouldn't matter. You're not talking about this guy being a deadbeat, he's working. He's just not making enough right now. My brother supports his wife and two kids on a single paycheck. He doesn't complain about it because it's just something he has to do. My other brother paid off his newly wed wives 40,000 college debt (almost all the money he had) a week after they were married. This isn't about money, this is about you being comfortable and perhaps reality taking a bite out of what you pictured your life to be. Now you need to make a decision whether you love him enough to sacrifice for him. Either way you go you made the right decision. I find it interesting, the least to say, that in a majority of cases, the man is more forgiving over the woman's financial hardships yet the woman grows bitter and resentful if she pays more than her share. Link to comment
Laura Flowers Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 I hope you ran like hell from this relationship. Will you consider posting an update as it's been a few years? I'm currently going through this situation except my boyfriend is contributing nothing. He doesn't want a job and he's $110,000 in college debt for a theatre arts degree, stubborn as a mule and dumb as a box of rocks. That being said, he is very sweet and quite overly attached to me. Likely because I provide food, friendship, comfort and safety. He'd like to get married but there is no freaking way I'd put myself in that risky situation where I'd be responsible for supporting his everything. I do not want to support another child. I don't know what to do. I keep hoping he'll join the military if he can get through the qualification tests. I find myself wondering how I can breakup with him if he doesn't get accepted. Link to comment
BigKK Posted May 5, 2014 Share Posted May 5, 2014 why are you dating someone that you describe "stubborn as a mule and dumb as a box of rocks. quite overly attached to me. Likely because I provide food, friendship, comfort and safety." Do you like someone counting on you like a child? I don't get it, that's not really a relationship....well it is, but not a healthy one Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.