dwas528 Posted October 2, 2011 Share Posted October 2, 2011 I suppose this is kinda long and I am just guessing this is the best place to put this. I have never really looked for advice anywehre and this is kinda convuluted but I am driving myself nuts here, it almost seems obvious but I just cant believe it so, here we go: I have been friends with this person for a long time, since we were fairly young. Just friends, i mean i always had feelings for this person, but being young i never ever wanted to admit it because i really do and did enjoy the friendship. Anyways about 2 years ago, this person ended up dating my twin, there was this big fall out between all of us as we were all fairly good friends. Nw when i say friends, the truth is we were not like very PERSONAL friends, we shared a few things in common that served as outlets for our interaction, but our conversations were never deep you know. I mean we were close but not PERSONAL, if that makes any sense. Anyways, I took the two years to figure myself out. Did I like this person because of who they were, because they were a friend and the feelings just progressed, was it a crush, infatuation, what have you. I got some counseling but not much, because by the time I OPTED for that, the doctor pretty much said that I seemed to have everything figured out. I wasnt jealous of my twin, i wasnt really bitter either. I had a feeling it wouldnt last and my twin would end up screwing stuff up. Turns out it happened. Well now 2 years later, i find myself living in a town 4 hours away from home and this persn is living here as well. We hung out a few times when i first moved for work and when i opened up again, it was, "I jsut want to be friends" etc. Now here is the thing, I am a very shy person. I am not too experienced when it comes to dating, sex, etc. so I am very shy in that regard. My "friend" seems very very shy and insecure in that regard as well. This person is not used to that kidn of attention and you could tell it makes this person nervous. Anyways, this person couldnt even really look at me when "rejecting" me a few weeks ago, despite thsi person ALWAYS being comfortable around me. To understand how shy i am, I would not have even have "opened" up again if I truly did not feel this person was sending those type of vibes. The body language that countless doctors etc talk about, all of the nonverbals, so much so that i was almost overwhelmed myself, everything but touch, but this person is very shy and so am I so I knew that wouldnt really be there right away, I mean, I was even trying to be optimistic because everything i was reading, books, etc was saying this person was interested/attracted to me. But, needless to say, 2 weeks ago or so(maybe 3), i was "rejected" so that is ALWAYS in teh back of my head. Now i never tried to make a move, it was kind of a verbal, i think you are into me over instant message and then in person, but i never attempted for a kiss or anything like that. But anyway, we hang out a lot, basically date, up until recently(and this is my own doing), I never heard about this persons problems etc. I was not being used as an "emotional" outlet/friend. We just had a great time. I wanted to get to knw this person deeper, so I started to ask those questions and show I understand. Now we can spend countless hours together flirting, joking, laughing and having a good time. I pay for things sometimes so does this person, money is not an issue. This person KNOWS I am into them. I have complimented them, phsyical features etc in very endearing ways. Well, this person has also admitted to being bicurious, but has always, always insisted they are not completely gay. They also insist it is more a crush/infatuation than bicuriosity. From what ive heard, this person has just gone through very bad relationships with very stupid people who give members of my sex bad names. This person is very, self admittedly, has intimacy issues, very shy and seems insecure. Well, weeks have gone by since i last verbalized my feelings to this person, and truthfully i have been absolutely happy spending time hanging out with this person. We are for all intents and purposes dating, we talk about future plans like going to events etc. Everything, EVERYTHIGN is there except the intimacy of kissing/more, and I can live without more but I would like to be able to express my affection. Since both of us are very shy, i have started to touch this person, in safe manners, to try and get this person and myself comfortable with it. we are completely comfortable being alone late at night together at either of each others places and if you ask me for my gut feeling, this person WANTS me to "make a move" so to speak. Just everything in my core says it. reading this persons body language, verbal hints, etc. Anytime this person mentions someone who MIGHT make me jealous they recant it by saying that person is not single etc. Whenever we leave each others company it is really really awkward, like either of us DONT know how to "end" the evening and like neither of us want to leave. Believe me when I say that for me to really say taht this person is giving me those nonverbal cues, means a lot because I am usually very aloof to that stuff and ive been trying my hardest to be pessimistic as to not face rejection again, but they really seem present. Any time i refer to anther person I may be seeing this person gets jealous too, it seems. ASSUMES i am going out on dates with this person, jumps to pretty far leaps conclusion wise about that etc. I dont know what specifically my question is, i am just lost, I dont mind spending money with this person(i dont buy this person gifts really, so I would never say ON this person) because i truly enjoy this persons company more than anything, but it really cant last like this either. I mean im not even referring to sex, but just to know im there's and vice versa and be able to hold them etc and it just seems like both of us are so shy and unsure because this person was with my twin and there will be friends that judge us etc, it just feels like it makes it so much harder for both of us to "want it" yet i really feel like I am having an emotional affect on this person in a good way. A true way. The truth is, i have not been happier these last few weeks even just "hanging out" but i choke up everytime I want to just kiss this person because I am so inexperienced and shy and insecure. I used to be overweight and just very insecure, now i have people come on to me and im just not used to being the aggressor or having anyone "want" me, yet I feel like if this were just a random person and not someone I knew so well, not soemone who IS a friend, that I would have kissed the person already because there would be nothing to lose. Based on all of the body language thats been going on. At the same time, this person has been through a LOT emotionally. It is clear that this person does not know what they want, with the bicurious infatuations(that this person hasnt really acted on, at least not in a manner that isnt normal for someone of this persons age) and the horrible past relationships, yet I feel thsi person is theirselve around me and thats why we hang out so much. When we part, this person normally will text me a "follow" up goodbye, saying something silly, irrelevant, just for "conclusion" purposes, like they really didnt want me to leave. I dont know, just maybe some general advice or opinions, I mean recently I have been ramping up the touching and what not in "friendly" areas just to get us comfortabl eand it seems like they are doing the same with me, brushing my arm etc when passing stuff. We have no "personal space" issues, no nervousness. I mean, when I look in their eyes this person gets nervous, it is so cute, this person will fumble with door locks, this persons speech starts to stumble through words, almost loses track of what they want to say. It drives me nuts because i know im having an affect on them. Last night I sat in silence as this person did something for class, for about 2 hours, occasionally making small talk but they were hard at work and each time i asked if they wanted me to leave it was "no" and this was getting really late, 1am ish. I just I dont know and i am OK with taking it slow because I am so happy, when I am around this person i just feel GOOD and when I am apart I mean I dont know, everything seems "less", i just dont want someone to jump in and "steal" this person. I mean I am CONFIDENT in everythign i do around this person, save for going for a kiss or whatever, but I am SO insecure afterwards, almost like im living in my own head. Maybe some advice or opinions, I would be happy being a little less vague through like a personal message or something, because this is a common forum and im sure this person, if reading this, would recognize it is about them. Thanks so much Link to comment
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