DESPERATE for Advice - PLEASE HELP

[yo11vegas]

This primarily goes out to any "dumpers" out there. -

 

Need some inspiration please. I feel horrible. I had my first relationship at 20 lasted for 5 years, I then ended the relationship as I became involved with another. We both worked for the same company, relocated to Las Vegas, bought home, dogs, the whole shabang.

 

Recently, our company closed and we had no choice but to move back home. The problem lies in that I am realizing now that I should've stayed with my ex and that after soul searching and learning much of myself after this 2nd relationship that my ex and I were much more compatible. I feel I gave up everything to be with my new partner and now I have lost everything.

 

I feel so guilty being the dumper and not working through our problems the right way. Of course lessons learned as I had never experienced heart break prior to breaking up with my ex and feel horrible for what I did and for something I cannot fix. I just do not want to feel stuck in this regret. I know everyone roots for the dumpee, but dumpers have feelings too and don't necessarily understand relationships and the consequences especially if it is their first relationship.

 

I have a job thankfully, but I work from home. All of my friends have since moved away. San Diego, CA is not my home town, I grew up with and have a big extended family in Long Beach, CA, so no real day to day support out here and being isolated at home definitely is not helping. I find myself at 30 very alone and very afraid of the future. I do not see a future with my current partner, but am finding myself very weak to move on as I have fell into depression with having to face another big change after I am barely recouping from my last. I am so angry with myself for making such a stupid mistake and moving so quickly and fast from one relationship into the next. I literally feel sick to my stomach as I know now that I would have had such a happier life with my ex. Not to say it was only my ex that made me happy, but I could have been married and been thinking about children at this point and living the life I was too scared to commit to when I was younger.

 

I am so afraid that I will be scarred by this last decision of mine and cannot let go of how stupid I feel for the decisions I made over the last 4 years. I don't even trust my own judgement at this point. I have an opportunity to move back home to Long beach, but now am scared as the last move I made was horrible especially since it was my first real move as an adult. I feel like I have tarnished my dreams for myself and cannot believe I am in this position. I was SUCH a Vibrant person, full of compasision, love, and now I can barely make it through the day without feeling bitter and cheated and "why me."

 

I tried to see if my ex was still availble, only to find of course that he is married with a family. WHY do I feel so in need of my ex to make me feel complete? I feel tremendous guilt, but I know it was b.c I was young and deathly afraid of commitment. Yet, I contradict myself by moving to another state and buying a home with someone else?

 

Any inspriational stories out there of anyone in my paticular situation and does it get easier to move on? I am falling into the belief that I will be alone forever. Also having an identity crisis feeling that I left everything and have come back home and everything has changed.

 

Thank you so much to anyone who reads this and can offer sound advice.

[Smile12]

If I were you - I would cut off the friendship.

[Realitynut]

Friendship for who?? She's not in contact with her first love, her ex that shes talking about!! She left him for another. My question for OP is: are you still with the NOW boyfriend, or are you apart, separtated or what. Or are you totally alone, and just feeling extremely lonely and that you made mistakes?

[Osram]

Go online dating, you sound intelligent and friendly maybe you could find someone better, the past is the past and we have to look to the future.

[yo11vegas]

Hi Reality,

 

Thaks for replying - still with the current boyfriend, it's not a pretty situation, he loves me very much, but I cannot get past these issus that I am having since our move home from Vegas, again, he has his entire support group here so it is very easy for him to move on with life much as he left it. Also, his last relationship was horrible so it was also easy for him to process the ending of that relationship.

 

I keep telling him that it's not the same situation for me, I continue to tell him I should have broke off with my ex then stayed single so I could really process the breakup, it was a long-distance relationship with my ex (which made it worst, out of sight out of mind) and I wasn't feeling the love was reciprocated from my ex at the time of our breakup. However, many pros about my ex - from the same home town, mutual family friends, culture, etc. he is a much different person than my current. Don't get me wrong, my current is a great man, I just for some reason in my gut feel as though this is not the life I wanted.

 

I am pretty much alone with the exception of my mother. I love her dearly, but she is older and doesn't get out much. I know it hurts more b/c I do not have much of a social life, my social life pretty much revolves around my current and his family.

[AutumnBorn]

Yo, it doesn't sound to me as if you're pining away for your ex as much as you want out of this relationship. If you don't feel it's working for you, perhaps you should talk to a counselor to sort things out or move out. It's time for you to have some room to think, don't you think? Is there even any oxygen in the room? It doesn't mean you even have to end things completely. Whatever happened to just dating? Why does it always have to be a relationship?

 

I think I'm going to stop recommending the book Too Good to Stay, Too Bad to Leave. It gives you things to think about but, honestly, is anybody ever prepared for reality?

 

Good luck.