EVERYTHING else except Chemistry??

[bpm103]

Hi, I'm 35 and I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years a couple days ago. In my gut I knew this day was coming for a long time. I fought it and fought it, trying to change certain dynamics in the relationship like how much I was going out, who I was hanging out with, committing more time/money/energy to us, and even therapy. Despite me trying these things and her supporting me every step of the way I kept finding myself in the same emotional state - lost, unexcited, and uncertain about what I wanted with her and in life. We broke up several times throughout the 4 years and each time was initiated by me. None of the break ups stemmed from me being upset with her.

 

She was wonderful! Still is. She is supportive, caring, trustworthy (huge for me), respectful, kind, smart, articulate, successful, attractive, and fun! She was always down to do whatever I wanted and she had great ideas for fun things too. My family loved her. I look at all of the qualities that she possesses and I think, "how can I not be happy?!".

 

There are a few things that bother me about her... very minor things though, things every relationship is going to present.

 

The recurring theme that would start making me second guess my love for her would be me thinking the following things:

 

1. I just didn't fit in with her family. I didn't have ANYTHING in common with them so it was always awkward to be around them.

2. She has an 8 year daughter whom I love to pieces but she is a handful and I am not really fond of how she is being raised - I have tried to take more of an active/authoritative role but she rebels and gives big time attitude. I get afraid of how this could play out in the future.

3. I am always looking at other women. I know it's normal but the desire to get to know them or see if they may be interested in me is more than I feel it should be.

4. Tied to #3 - my gf and I have never had a natural spark. More so on my side actually - I never lusted for her - even in the beginning. I always thought that was raw chemistry - without knowing someone and just having that natural desire to be with that person all the time - never able to get enough. She was always more into me than I into her is how it felt.

5. I wasn't excited to travel and experience life with her. Like, going to Paris or Rome. I felt like going there with her would be just short of what I want my experience to be traveling to those places (just examples but they are thought to be more romantic is what I am getting at).

 

So, I tried and tried to reason with myself. I wished for and prayed for that missing element to show up or develop over time. After all, she was undoubtedly my best friend and the most complete woman I had ever been with. I was totally comfortable being myself with hr and she accepted me for who I am. She stuck with me through really tough times and put up with more crap from me that I would ever wish on anyone.

 

I love her so much. And I miss her terribly right now. It hurts really bad to think of what I am giving up. And that's the worst part - I am choosing to leave this girl and I have to live with it. Maybe I had what love is? But it just didn't "feel" right so it wasn't fair to stay with her.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading - I hope this helps someone and if anyone has any experience in leaving someone they truly loved only because of the chemistry/spark/gut feeling factor please respond.

[luminousone]

Kudos to you for not blaming your unhappiness/uncertainty on your gf.

 

If you have reservations/doubts about your relationship, and if you have such a strong urge to explore other relationships, then it sounds like you did what you needed to do.

 

There is a chance that you did have "what love is" but you won't know until you get out there and explore.

 

And, I guess I should say, get "in" and explore - because happiness comes from within ourselves...

 

At this point you already broke up with her, so do her a favor and truly let her go - so that she can find the happiness and fulfillment that she deserves in another relationship.

 

You may wish to read up on "grass is greener" syndrome. Some people, no matter where they are in life, feel that someone else's situation will give them more happiness.

 

Or, maybe your instincts were correct and hopefully you will find that special someone.

[calichick007]

I did this 7 years ago. Ended a 3 year relationship with a man who was perfect for me in every way, except for that elusive "it" factor. I loved him, but once we started talking marriage, I couldn't ignore a nagging feeling that I didn't feel that POW a woman should feel about the man she's going to spend her life with. It sucks to say it this way, but I thought there might be something better out there. At least in the sense that I could find everything I had with him, plus that crazy connection. I have to admit that I haven't even come close.

 

I don't regret it fully, because part of me still holds out for that chemistry/connection. However, as I freefall into 30, all of the other stuff (stability, loyalty, selflessness, unconditional love, acceptance, tolerance) - all of that is pretty damned appealing. So yeah, no real advice... I just say this to say that I understand.

[RitaTrue]

I've been in a similar situation as well----everything else is good, except the "it". Best advce: Avoid settling. You'll both get hurt in the end, as well as waste time when you each could've gotten someone better.

[catfeeder]

We've all tried to turn a wrong match into a right one, but it doesn't work. With millions of people in the world, it makes no sense to keep going back to what isn't working. Hold out for the real thing--someone who 'gets you' and connects with you in a way that makes everyone else irrelevant.

[bpm103]

I did this 7 years ago. Ended a 3 year relationship with a man who was perfect for me in every way, except for that elusive "it" factor. I loved him, but once we started talking marriage, I couldn't ignore a nagging feeling that I didn't feel that POW a woman should feel about the man she's going to spend her life with. It sucks to say it this way, but I thought there might be something better out there. At least in the sense that I could find everything I had with him, plus that crazy connection. I have to admit that I haven't even come close.

 

This is why I am terrified. But good to hear you don't regret it fully. I truly do want her to be happy and I was not giving her that. I was always thinking that I was settling and it wasn't fair to me or her to keep trying and coming up empty.

 

Thought I felt pain when I was dumped by my exes. This is the first time something like this has happened and it's no less emotional.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone

[doyathink]

Love isnt about who you can live with....it's who you cant live without.

[eternalsunrise]

I've only had that "it" factor with one guy ...who broke up with me 5 years ago. I hope to find someone again who I can have that chemistry with. To be honest with you, I've accepted that it might not ever happen again. But that doesn't mean I will settle. That would not be fair to the person being settled for. I think you've done the right thing by breaking up with your ex.

[Ms Darcy]

I do think there are many times when inner hang ups prevent us from being open to loving healthy, supportive people. But alas, I hope she finds the man she is looking for.

 

I think too often people leave relationships chasing the white rabbit. Undying unending spark ... often burns out.

[Miss Firecracker]

She will be so much better off. She deserves so much more than than you could ever give her. I expect someday down the road you would live with a boatload of guilt for taking her best years away knowing you really do not love her. Four years is quite enough.

[Oneironaut]

Personally, I tried living without passion...it didn't work. He was and still is a great guy...but sex was boring after a while, and I began to avoid it. We ended up divorcing.

 

Then I met my boyfriend in an online game...the spark was incredible, even the first night we chatted. Nine months later, we met in person. I hear so many tales of people meeting in person for the first time after having an online relationship, and how it took a day or two to get comfortable enough to become intimate with each other...not us! We met in a food court in a mall near his home, and five minutes later, we were kissing in the parking lot.

 

So many people ask how I can stay in a long-distance relationship for as long as I do... because in addition to having similar views on religion, politics, life, and love, we arouse the -hell- out of each other, just chatting on Skype or AIM. It's what keeps us going, because we both know it's hard to find someone with whom you are not only incredibly compatible in numerous ways, but with whom you also feel stomach-churning passion, even from a distance, and even after more than 2 and 1/2 years.

 

I hope you find someone like that someday soon.

[muze]

Maybe you don't like her because she is TOO nice and making you comfortable? If she would be a bit less available, would you value her more? Maybe her behaviour makes you feel you have it easy with her, so you could get something better if you only try and do your best? Because now you don't have to prove anything.

[bpm103]

She will be so much better off. She deserves so much more than than you could ever give her. I expect someday down the road you would live with a boatload of guilt for taking her best years away knowing you really do not love her. Four years is quite enough.

 

Really? Do you feel better for saying this? How bitter are you?

 

I do love her. I said that. Obviously I am already struggling on this or I wouldn't be posting online about it. I hope she is better off and I know she deserves more than I can give her but it's not because I didn't try. When we were together I supportive, loving, caring... I tried to be a father figure to her daughter and I had a good relationship with the both of them.

 

Thanks for chiming in

[bpm103]

Maybe you don't like her because she is TOO nice and making you comfortable? If she would be a bit less available, would you value her more? Maybe her behaviour makes you feel you have it easy with her, so you could get something better if you only try and do your best? Because now you don't have to prove anything.

 

This is possible and I am in therapy trying to work on myself so I can truly learn from this. Right now - I want her yes, because I do not have her and I am thinking about all of the wonderful things I am losing with her. You are likely right about what you are saying and I do not want to be like that. I hope I can grow and change because I truly feel like I am a good person and I can make a good partner but perhaps there is something fundamentally wrong with me. That's why I am talking about it. Thanks Muze.