My boyfriend said I insulted his family

[Kalika]

Hey ENA,

 

I'm really upset and I will try to keep this as brief as I can.

 

My boyfriend of one year came home tonight telling my cousin and I that his sister and him got into a fight today which escalated into a loud verbal argument. It seems they made up afterwards. Either way, after asking him what the fight was about, I told him that they "acted like idiots" and that they should not scream and yell at each other in front of his sister's kids, who are ages 3 and a newborn. He had told me his nephews were in the "next room."

 

There's a lot more to it than that and I'm trying to present a really unabiased/edited version of our conversation ... but after I said they acted like idiots, my boyfriend told me that I insulted his family by calling his sister an idiot. I told him that I never CALLED her an idiot, I said BOTH OF THEIR BEHAVIOR was idiotic and that even if she flies off the handle yelling and screaming at him, he should not succumb and scream back at her in front of his nephews. He told me that it's one thing to call him an idiot but I can't say anything bad about his sister.

 

Some background: My boyfriend suspects that I don't like his sister, and the truth is, while I don't KNOW her well enough to really like or dislike her, I have seen and heard enough to form the opinion of her that I don't really care much for her. His sister means a lot to him because she helped a ton to raise him and she is a hard worker and overall a good mother, and I respect that.

 

I haven't ever told my boyfriend, but I really do think his sister is very argumentative and extremely spoiled and she's really into money and showing off. Basically she asks my boyfriend to come over just to fix things in her house or do major remodeling, then she berates him and screams at him, and then sends him on his way. She married a rich guy and loves to spend money and loves to buy everything expensive, nothing cheap. They buy expensive houses all over the country. She always has to buy the best of everything. This puts me off a lot. She also treats everyone in her family really badly, always yelling and screaming at her husband, her mother who helps out with the kids, etc... she can be very bossy and is the "in charge" type and pretty much no one can be around her that much because of her attitude. She has shown very little interest in getting to know me but the few times she asked me questions she also completely interrupted me when I was answering her to change the topic back to whatever she wanted to talk about.

 

(I really like my boyfriend's parents though, they are hardworking Chinese immigrants, his mom is very sweet and they are very simple people without any airs and what they have accomplished in this country is absolutely staggering.)

 

so anyways, although I have never actually told him how I feel about her, he has accused me in the past of not liking her simply because I avoid going over there (I really don't want to sit there while she yells and screams at him for an hour, which happened to me before).

 

so that's the background - but tonight I honestly did not CALL her an idiot, nor would I ever have, regardless of my true feelings about her - I just said that the two of them acted idiotic and he said that I can call him an idiot but not his sister. He also then took some other things I had said in the past and completely twisted them around also.

 

He went on to say that he is not going to talk to me about his family ever again because I insulted his family by calling his sister an idiot. I pointed out to him that when we fight he calls me an idiot and it's perfectly OK for him to call ME an idiot, when he's really angry with me, but I can't say that his sister acted idiotic, which definitely lets me know where I stand with him.

 

I'm really upset that he said these things to me, to the point where I am not even sure I want to continue in the relationship with him if that's how his attitude is going to be towards me.

 

Sorry if this was long, and obviously there's a lot that's missing here.. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. He really hurt me.

[DN]

I think you would have been wiser just to have listened and kept your opinion to yourself as to whether either of them were idiots. Basically, you inflamed the situation.

 

He has clearly picked up that you don't like his sister even if you haven't said so directly.

 

But I do think he over-reacted and may calm down.

[abitbroken]

If you don't like her and have not told him--- believe me, he knows. He can tell. I think that you should tell your boyfriend. "You know, I would love to get to know your sister better. I know she is important to you. But I feel uncomfortable listening to her yell at you. I don't dislike her, as I don't know her well enough. I just don't know whether to yell back and defend you or just to sit in silence and it makes me uncomfortable. What if instead of going to her house all the time, that maybe once we invite them to dinner or something where its not just going over to fix things. That way I can get to know her and her husband. It would be more fair to all of us to get to know each other where everyone has a chance and no one is stressed."

 

If after you start meeting the sister more socially, maybe you will get to know that you are just catching her at her crazier moments and she is actually quite tolerable. Or at least there is more control over the meetups and its not such a free for all. Getting to know her, you can also apologize and say that you are afraid that what you said didn't come out quite right - even if you felt you were in the right. But maybe it would be best to sort of let that one roll off if she seems to put it aside. Also, it is none of your business how she and her husband carry on, but you can control what happens in your presence with that little effort.

 

 

If he twists things around all the time, that is a differentmatter. And no one should call one an idiot. ironically, when I married into a crazy family - they could abuse eachother all day, but when i agreed or said the same thing - it was how dare I? He may have been so flared up about hearing the idiot part that he couldn't hear the rest. maybe he is that way. my ex's family would have the attitude that my ex was theirs to abuse, but if someone else said boo to him, they'd beat them up.

[Kalika]

To elaborate a bit more, when I told my b/f he should not have been fighting with his sister in front of her kids, he started trying to justify it - like by saying they were in the next room, his sister started up with him, the kids couldn't hear it, etc... and giving me all these reasons that I knew were garbage. I know my boyfriend and when he yells, he YELLS. It doesn't happen often but he admitted he was yelling pretty badly. And I was getting pissed off that he was not acknowledging that it was a bad idea. OUR argument escalated to me telling him that they both acted like a bunch of idiots and that even if his sister starts getting on his case, he should be the adult and end it then and there.

 

He eventually agreed I was right but then informed me that I had insulted his family, blah blah blah, you know the rest. He even said that I was a hypocrite because in my last relationship, my son's dad and I fought like crazy in front of our son. And I told him that was exactly why I forced my ex to move out of my house, because I knew how unhealthy that was for our son. He had nothing to say to that one.

[Kalika]

If he twists things around all the time, that is a differentmatter. And no one should call one an idiot. ironically, when I married into a crazy family - they could abuse eachother all day, but when i agreed or said the same thing - it was how dare I? He may have been so flared up about hearing the idiot part that he couldn't hear the rest. maybe he is that way. my ex's family would have the attitude that my ex was theirs to abuse, but if someone else said boo to him, they'd beat them up.

 

LOL thanks, abitbroken - this made me laugh out loud because that's EXACTLY what happened tonight. My boyfriend and his parents are the ones that tell me half this stuff about his sister, how she fights with everyone all the time, etc.. and yet when I agree and call her argumentative, all of a sudden I'm the bad guy. Of course I pointed this out to my boyfriend and he had nothing to say to that.

 

I think what hurts more is that in my mind, my boyfriend has her interests over mine. Whether that's true or not, I don't know, but that's kind of how I feel right now. Like I said, when we fight he will call me an idiot, or tell me I'm being an idiot, or whatever - meaner things even. My boyfriend's temper can be bad, even though it rarely shows up. He is much nicer to his sister during their fights than he is with me during ours.

 

And I agree, he most likely has picked up on the fact that I don't like his sister, in fact he has pretty much said as much to me before. He was very angry with me the last time he invited me to see his sister's new baby and I didn't go, and he then accused me of disliking his family. In my defense, I was exhausted and wiped out and just didn't want to deal with her for hours on end on my only day off. I should also add that my older brother is just like his sister and it just brings up a lot of bad feelings in me, being around her. I barely speak to my brother any more, only once or twice a year, because of my feelings towards him.

[Hollyj]

I agree. He overreacted!