I'm 20. Filipino girl. Parents ruining my relationship, u the same as me?

[rara12345]

So I'm 20 and I'm a Filipino woman. I live with my mam and my dad here in the UK. We've been here for 10 years and you would think they would adjust as to how people round here.

 

Anyways, I have been in a relationship for 2 years with my british boyfriend and he was ever so understand and respectful towards my parents wishes but obviously he thought throughout the years, my parents would be at least bit lenient about stuff.

 

Ever since we started dating I was honest about everything to him and one particular thing I said was, my parents don't want me sleeping over or for him to sleepover at mine. Definite no sleepovers. Even if it was with my girl friends. I wasn't allowed at all.

 

So now I've been fighting with my boyfriend because he wants to be able to do that and he wants to experience that. Not just sleepovers but also going on holidays with me. I can't give him that knowing that my parents wishes was to not sleepover with him.

I've also been arguing my parents as to why I'm upset and they won't trust me and won't allow me to do that. Even just for weekends. I'm not asking alot at all because the rest of the people I know go on holidays and sleepovers with their boyfriends and girlfriends anytime and whenever they want.

 

My boyfriend has respected my parents wishes for about 2 years and I just can't give him what he asked for at all. My parents just tells me its the "Filipino Culture" .. is it really? Then how come I see people who can do both of that. I keep telling them thats just them being controlling in my life and that they are very strict.

Then they just give me a lecture how if i do sleepovers and holidays then theres no more limitations. That I might as well just move out and get married. I was only asking for weekends to spend with my boyfriend. Isn't that overexaggerating a bit?

 

Anyways I have been a girl who knew for a fact that they would say no to things so I kind of just rebelled towards them. Things like dating, going out late at nights, clubbing but not actually drinking, and not doing some chores in the house even when they say I dont. These things I could take and figured well I'm still coming home. I'm just gonna have a lecture. But sleeping over and holidays, I know enough that will be a big deal for them so I kind of just want their support no matter what on this but they dont. It has to be their way only.

 

I cant rebel now cos if i do that, id hurt my parents and if i cant do that id hurt my boyfriend. It's a no win situation for me.

I feel like nobody understands what I'm going through. The hardest part is I went to his house last night talking to him, telling him I love him so much and that we have been through alot, which we have and that he also loves me so much but feels like we dont have a purpose, that we arent actually living as an actual couple. He wants to treat me with holidays and experience that all with me, but obviously I cant so I had to let him go. We still talk, love doesnt just switch off like that. I know he still cares.

 

Also, we go to the same university and same class in a months time. I know for a fact that will just remind me everything cos thats where we met and how we got to know each other and that will just hurt badly for me.

 

My boyfriend or ex, i dont know which one it is yet, he said if i do move out that he will take me in. Easier said than done, I want my parents to like him too if when theres a time that me and him get married. I dont want confrontations and atmostphere between us and my family. He is an english boy who lives with his parents. His parents rules are basically " Do what you want. It's your life" so he gets all this freedom.

 

Why is my culture and his culture so different? its all just a culture shock between us.

 

So i wrote this just after I had the talk with my parents. They've ended saying finish your studies (ive only got 1 more year), and after that move out. And I asked them again saying "so if im 21, and ive finished my studies, i can definitely do whatever I want?" .. they said yes, do whatever, move out, get married. But how are you going to support yourself? You'd need a job first. so basically.

 

FINISH STUDIES.

GET A JOB.

MOVE OUT.

 

i cant really ask of my boyfriend anymore to wait 1 more year cos hes waited 2 years already for us to do little things like sleepovers and holidays.

 

I just don't know what to do and I need your advice and suggestions guys.

are there any filipinos like me out there who is like this? same age as me? same situation of being with a westener too? american or british?

[agent1607307371]

I think you need to tell your bf their thoughts. Possibly if he knows there's an end date in site for the strict living rules then it will help him.

[rara12345]

I think you need to tell your bf their thoughts. Possibly if he knows there's an end date in site for the strict living rules then it will help him.

 

my parents say after I finish my studies I can do what I want ... but hes waited 2 years now .. in your opinion do you think its right for him to wait another year?

 

He says he loves me so much..

 

Hes in the same class as me so if he is going to wait, were still together there.. if not, then being in the class would probably just tear me up

[chitown9]

Of course he will wait another year. It will be something that you both will be working toward and she give you both a great deal of motivation to work toward your goal.....

[sunnyhappydays]

Your parents sound amazing. One day you will understand what they've sacrificed to give you the opportunities that your boyfriend takes for granted. Right now (I'm British born btw) the UK economy is a mess. Concentrate on school, internships and getting a job.

[greywolf]

I don't think there's much you can do except be patient. My mom is filipina too and I had an 11 pm curfew until I was 22. >_>

[rara12345]

Of course he will wait another year. It will be something that you both will be working toward and she give you both a great deal of motivation to work toward your goal.....

 

 

yeah, he wants us to be a serious relationship.. that is how i see it if he builds it to save for a flat and marriage watever .. not this sleepover or holiday.. its shallow thinking..

 

he emailed me saying in his exact words " how am i being irrational? we didnt break up for you not being able to sleepover at my house or holidays. We broke up because we argue all the time and its generally not working. What about my respect of what I want?"

 

i called him irrational cos of him saying that to be a proper couple was sleepovers and holidays.

 

we argued alot as a couple. but we managed to sort them. there have been lies and mistrusts, lots of it. but as i keep saying to him im only human. i make mistakes, he needs to let me learn it and trust me. This year i wanted to make amends to him cos i knew that previous years I was bad to him and I genuinely love this guy.

 

 

if you see that email.. it says " we didnt break up for you not being able to sleepver at my house or holidays" ... then it goes to "What about respect of what I want?"

 

So he is bothered by it, and based the break up for that. Can anyone tell me if thats what he actually thinks not arguements and stuff?

 

Respect of what he want? He says... is respecting me or if not me, at least my parents wishes?

 

Am i the only one who sees this? ... pls someone explain my view and what you think and what you think of what he is thinking as well.. thanks guys uve been great

[rara12345]

I don't think there's much you can do except be patient. My mom is filipina too and I had an 11 pm curfew until I was 22. >_>

 

but were u allowed to date? .. and are you stil like that now? have to be home?

[greywolf]

but were u allowed to date? .. and are you stil like that now? have to be home?

 

I moved out for awhile and then moved back in and she became more lenient.

[happyfrank]

Culture never changes no matter where you live. Filipino culture is more family oriented based on my experience. He needs to understand that if he wants to be with you. Why does he need sleep overs if he can spend the day with you? My wife and I would spend the day together and her leave at night for years until she moved in with me. Even when we plan vacations for example Vegas. Her whole family still comes along of course staying in different rooms but always close by. Waiting 1 or 5 years isn't bad if he really cares about you.

[Maz8]

Sometimes culture or religion is more of an excuse to keep you under their wing than anything else. I come from an East Asian culture, and I'm also Roman Catholic, but it really has nothing to do with culture, and the fact that my dad is just overprotective by nature.

 

I am largely more religious than my dad (I try to attend the morning Mass at least three times a week), but was furious when I was dating someone. His objection wasn't on religious grounds, it was because he still wanted to see me as a little kid so that he could run my life. Once I was on a train with him and I was merely making conversation with a young lady who was sitting next to me. He was sitting accross the aisle, sleeping. When he woke up and saw me talking he reached over and grabbed my shirt and made me sit next to him. That had nothing to do with religion at all.

 

He insists that he's just following our culture when he does some of the things he does, but none of our family friends take it to the extent that he does. He just uses it as an excuse.

[rara12345]

Your parents sound amazing. One day you will understand what they've sacrificed to give you the opportunities that your boyfriend takes for granted. Right now (I'm British born btw) the UK economy is a mess. Concentrate on school, internships and getting a job.

 

But Im sure youve seen how people are today as couples.. they want to do everything together. Feels the need for the hype and all this "I want to do all of these since were still young" ...

 

I just wish people would understand more.

 

Thanks anyway

[rara12345]

But another excuse my parents have.. that im a WOMAN.

 

they say fair enough if your a man, take care of yourself. But because im a woman..

 

 

I genuinely have no idea if hes going to move on because hes in the same class im in for this year.. so thats going to be hard.

[Maz8]

But another excuse my parents have.. that im a WOMAN.

 

they say fair enough if your a man, take care of yourself. But because im a woman..

 

I genuinely have no idea if hes going to move on because hes in the same class im in for this year.. so thats going to be hard.

 

ha. My dad is actually the opposite, if you can believe it or not. He says if I were a daughter I could take care of myself better. Confuses me, because most parents seem to think of it the other way around.

 

He actually lives next door to me and sneaks by my apartment every 10 minutes. He swears that if I didn't, I'd turn into an alcoholic or a drug user or get some girl pregnant.

[shl025]

This might be a late response but my parents are super strict too. I moved out for 4 years for college and they were always worrying and checking up on me. I moved back home to take classes nearby my house, and they still treat me like a high school student. I'm 21, southeast asian. Can not wait to finish school, get a job and move the out.