I need a woman's opinion!

[Professional]

I need some womanly input as I am very confused about this woman’s behavior?

 

I have known this woman for a year, we’re both in our 30’s. She’s never been married and no kids. She works at a bar that I go to every weekend. At first I wasn’t attracted to her at all and only over the course of a year and little chit chats did I start to think she was pretty cool. At the bar is a lot of guys and they hit on her “all the time” and not being one who feels insecure about these things as my body, mind and personality are attractive to woman. These guys who hit on her are only after one thing, and she’s not giving it up. Even though she’s not the best looking woman who works there, she has an awesome body and amazing personality.

 

Many times I have asked her out after the bar closes but she always had to “get home to her dog.??” She even showed me pictures of him. Then one night she did accept my offer, actually I think she may have asked me?? We went to a late night pub for something to eat and had a good time and she drove me home, but we had to make it quick because she had to get home to her dog. Out in front of my building I figured the vibe was good enough to get a goodbye kiss and she reluctantly returned the kiss. We did this for a few more weekends after that and her kisses felt more comfortable, and it was now something she wanted to do.

 

At the beginning we’d send each other texts at about maybe 2 per week? Just saying hi to each other, and on weekends she’d say “are you coming to the bar?” After the night of the first kiss the texts increased. A lot of “I miss you” and “Can’t wait to see you again” “thinking about you”…etc. I thought this is great, BUT, she’s very vague about her home life. She won’t tell me her home phone #, just her cell, she won’t let me know where she lives, “You know strange things can happen” she said…??

 

Just like anybody else I smelled a guy in the background. So I confronted her on it one night and she dodged the question so I texted her the next day saying “look I know you’re in a relationship and I’m cool with that, just think of me if you ever think of ending it”……I get this 8 pg text denying she’s in a relationship, she never said any such thing, she doesn’t want to lose me, if she’s seeing anybody she’s seeing me ….etc....I just said OK.

 

A week or 2 after this things went down hill for me when my appendix ruptured and I was hospitalized for 16 days and off work for 6 weeks. She was sending me texts while in the hospital, not many but 1 every 3 days. She even said she wanted to come and visit me but she said the hospital said it was “family only” ??....funny everybody else in the beds around me has their friends come and visit them!!

 

I got out of the hospital and the first night I went to see her at the bar we got in a fight because she flirted hard with a guy who was hitting on her in front of me, and because I was still in pain and hadn’t seen her in so long, I showed my frustration and she ended up calling me selfish and we didn’t speak for a week! (I may have been extra friendly to a waitress and she saw that)

 

So after a couple more weeks, we are all friendly with each other again, and she starts coming over to my place once a week and we talk, go out to eat, watch tv and have some fun on the couch, no sex, BUT very close….and to date we haven’t had sex!! But saw each other naked!

 

After the flirting incident at the bar, I never returned to the bar again and I suggested she should come to my place instead. Sunday night is our night.....but she shows up late and dressed like she’s going to work at the bar and leaves my place the same time the bar closes??? ""Are you sure you’re not in a relationship!!??"".... “Oh no” she says “I just want to take things slowly” I like you and like you a lot! And I don’t want to lose you!" She questions me a lot about my ex, and if I got to other bars, do I see other women. She joked one time “When we get married I better not catch you with other women.!“(?)

 

Which brings us up to present day, we text each other once a day, everyday. We rarely call, we just keep it as texts. I get her little things when she comes over and in one text I said “I have a little surprise the next time you come over” and she replies “What!?...an engagement ring” lol”

She won’t come over on her day off or any day through the week, “she’s too busy” and won’t have sex because she wants to take things slowly. I still don’t know her last name, where she lives, her home phone number, and she still has to leave and get her dog when I ask her to stay longer. When I do talk to her on the phone, I will text first, and usually within 10 minutes she’ll call with “Private” coming up on the screen. We’ll talk for 10 minutes before she REALLY “has to go and get ready for work!!”……her shift doesn’t start for another 6 hours? She continually denies that she’s in a relationship!! There is electricity between us that would light a lightbulb and we’re both grinning from ear to ear with excitement when she comes over to my place. I also tried to make the moves for sex and I got a very loud and forceful “”NO!!!”

 

So my question is “what the hell is up with her???” on one side we’re a romantic couple and on the other side it’s a big secret and I’m not allowed to know about.

 

Please don’t answer with the typical answer : “Dump her” ”Move on” “kick her to the curb”……I don’t want to do that!! I want this to work…….The feelings are there! There’s just this BIG WALL! Why do women do this?? Why is she doing this??

[camus154]

I'm not a woman, but....

 

Personally I think it's more likely she has a kid, not just a dog. That could explain a lot of it.

 

Either way, you're living a very odd relationship. Women don't do this--this particular one does. Relationships are about much more than feelings. Trust, intimacy, vulnerability, etc...

 

Why don't you try the direct approach: "Look, I really dig you, I want something serious with us, but what the hell is going on? No more secrets."

[annie24]

I'm not a woman, but....

 

Personally I think it's more likely she has a kid, not just a dog. That could explain a lot of it.

 

Either way, you're living a very odd relationship. Women don't do this--this particular one does. Relationships are about much more than feelings. Trust, intimacy, vulnerability, etc...

 

Why don't you try the direct approach: "Look, I really dig you, I want something serious with us, but what the hell is going on? No more secrets."

 

quite possible.

 

i think you should listen to your gut. and why haven't you asked her her last name yet? you should do that!!

[Ariel85]

She's in a relationship. I'm not sure why that's not sinking in, as you seem to suspect it enough.

 

Are you a good tipper? I think she's enjoying the cash and the gifts. Beyond that, she's totally taken.

[annie24]

She won’t tell me her home phone #, just her cell, she won’t let me know where she lives, “You know strange things can happen” she said…??

 

wait - how did i miss this?? ok, i second ariel's relationship hypothesis.

[camus154]

lol, I have to third it for missing this:

 

Sunday night is our night.....but she shows up late and dressed like she’s going to work at the bar and leaves my place the same time the bar closes???

 

Sorry guy, you're being played.

[annie24]

by the way - just to elaborate on the 'listen to your gut' thing - you know that SOMETHING is wrong. she is hiding SOMETHING. what it is, only she knows. I agree with putting all your cards on the table and telling her you want the truth, otherwise you walk. because if she simply 'wanted to go slow' she would tell you her last name, where she lives, home phone number, etc...

[abitbroken]

I don't think no sex and taking it slow is a bad thing. I even think she could be leery since meeting guys from the bar usually means a lot of guys who are players, etc. I think her not wanting to show you where she lived right away was actually pretty smart. As a woman who worked in a bar where people could follow me home after work late at night if I wasn't alert - I sure as heck would wait quite awhile for that just to be sure. I think that you got insecure and when you did that - it scared her. I do think that if she is naked with you, and not merely having chaste dates or making out with clothes on, that I can see where you are getting mixed signal. I would say once the clothes come off, the taking it slow part doesn't exist anymore and unless both parties talked about what they would allow ahead of time and agreed that they both wanted "anything but."

 

I can vouch for sometimes hospitals not allowing anyone beyond family. Sometimes they don't care, but sometimes they restrict visits to people you tell them you want to see. Honest. but there are such things as visiting hours and there are certain times when no one besides a spouse or parent can see you - she may have called during that time. But she could also be lying.

 

I think that either way, she only wants to let you in so far.

 

I suggest cooling it with the accusations and telling her that you know that she often has to go to let out the dog, but you wanted to know if her and her dog would be interested in going to the dog park, or the little downtown area where they let your dog into the shops and the doggie bakery, etc - in otherwise in public with the dog. See what she says. If the dog appears, you know she is telling the truth about something. I would also cool it with the making out. keep it to light stuff so you aren't in the position with her saying no and you begging.

 

Honestly, if you are not okay with this once a week relationship, then end it. I know you didn't want to hear me say that. There are women who are just guarded .

 

but btw, how long have you really been seeing eachother - not the year at the bar of talking to her but from actually going on dates?

[annie24]

lol!! I missed that too!!! then she just goes home after the bar closes, dressed in bar clothes, and tells her man she just got off of work. if someone tells her man he didn't see her working that night, all she has to say is, "John is a drunk, he has no idea what he is talking about." easy peasy!!!!

 

i need to read more carefully the first time around!!

[Vincent Ruiz]

I think she is playing you sadly. She probably likes the attention and the gifts you give her. She most likely loves how you make her feel and she isn't getting that anywhere else. I don't know if she is in a relationship but her actions are very very shady. If you can't trust her now the how can you expect to trust her later on? As much as it would be painful...my advice to you is to move on. Stop texting and just move on because I feel like sooner or later the truth will come out and it could hurt you very bad. She is not a special flower and there are other girls out there and girls who would love to be honest with you. She is not a trustworthy person and no longer deserving what you have to offer. Don't give an ultimatum or anything, ignore her texts and move on. Don't get weak...stay focused on moving on and do not reach out to her!! Please consider my advice because if you keep going this course then you are in for a lot of unnecessary heartache.

[petite]

1. Why didn't you ask the hospital if anyone had called for you and if it's really "family only". I've never heard of that, unless perhaps the person is in ICU - even then they will allow friends to come in but only 1 or 2 at a time no more.

2. If she cared about you then you would know where she lives; since you've obviously known her for about 2 months or so.

3. What kind of dog does she have? Is he trained? I realize it might need to be let out, but poor excuse.

4. Long explanations usually make me personally doubt the person. She could have easily said "I do not have a boyfriend and it's up to you whether you want to believe it or not".

 

Call her at a random times throughout the day and see if she answers, if you have to call from a "private" number. Tell her you want to know her last name, date of birth and you want to take her out to diner but only if you pick her up from her house.

If she can't provide you with that, drop her. She doesn't sound honest and whilst I understand being careful and protecting yourself, she is hiding a bit much. As far as the home number goes, I don't know whether I'd put too much thought towards that. People do have private numbers (I speak from my own experience) and don't like giving them out to those they don't know for a long time.

[xyzzzz]

she's a weirdo who goes home from a date cuz she needs the dog..

anyway..what are her excuses as not telling u last name,home address,phone number etc?

[vivid2012]

she's a weirdo who goes home from a date cuz she needs the dog..

anyway..what are her excuses as not telling u last name,home address,phone number etc?

 

Yup, that's might be just exuse.

[annie24]

Well, as a dog-sitter, I think it's really important not to leave the dog at home alone for too long periods. You don't want them pooping or peeing in your living room because they couldn't hold it anymore! And yes, they do get very lonely too.

 

so...it would make more sense for her to invite you over to her house to play with the dog, or bring the dog over to you.... hmmmm...

[Tanzi]

I agree with everyone else .. you are being played. There is too much amiss here. I agree that she has a right to play things safe in the early days but at some point you have to let someone in. You can't keep them at arms length forever. Surely she knows enough about you now to know that she can trust you, after all she spends time with you at your place so why not spend time at hers. Surely if she was that worried she wouldn't be alone with you at your place either.

 

There are just too many excuses and lame reasons here. And she only sees you on a set day, is dressed up like a dogs dinner and rushes off at the same time, every time.

 

There could be any number of reasons for her behaviour. She could have a child or children. She could be married or in a relationship. maybe she still lives at home and is embarassed. She could have had a bad experience in the past. Whatever, it doesn't look like things are set to change and it seems that this relationship is going to continue on her terms only. Is that really what you want? She may not want to lose you but neither does she want you completely. She only wants a piece of you. If you want to make this work then you are going to have to challenge her. It is only going to work if she wants it to work and she needs to prove that to you ... on equal terms. Otherwise, what you have isn't really a relationship and you are wasting your time.

[Professional]

BINGO!!.....that just brought back a memory in my head. I was walking past her car outside the bar a few months ago, and I saw a baby chair in the back seat of her car!!?? I questioned her about it and she quickly answered that that was the chair for her friend's kid, and they were out shopping that afternoon. (so you left her chair in your car?) Sounded believable, so I never thought anymore about it till it came flashing back now. If she had a young child that would make alot of sense!! I might have even mention to her that I didn't want kids in my life right now, maybe later! She mentioned once "someday I'll introduce you to my little girl!" I said "what!!??" she said "My dog! oh I call my dog my little girl".....end of topic!!! Although I did meet her dog once, she had him in the back seat of her car....lets just say i'll never try to pet him again (damn thing!)........this explains "ALOT"

 

Thanks "a-little-blue".....I feel too embarrassed to talk about this too my friends, but somebody on a forum will just say something that will trigger a memory that can answer alot of questions!!

[camus154]

I was going with kid at first too, but that doesn't explain coming over in her work uniform and leaving at work closing time.

 

But.....if she were living at home with, say, her parents, that COULD explain it. Maybe she had a horrid past relationship (father of kid), moved in with the parents to get on her feet, and is too embarrassed/cautious to introduce you into the mix. Maybe the nights she's "at work" is the only way she can see you without rousing questions from those back home.

 

Kid, parents, husband...who knows. OP, why won't you just draw a line in the sand and ask?

[annie24]

"My dog! oh I call my dog my little girl".....end of topic!!! Although I did meet her dog once, she had him in the back seat of her car....lets just say i'll never try to pet him again (damn thing!)........this explains "ALOT"

 

she calls her male dog "her little girl?????"

[abitbroken]

If you didn;t want kids in your life immediately, she shows absolutely no back bone. A mother may shield her kids from her dates for awhile but if it were me, I would find out if the guy hated kids or just didn't have any and wasn't eager to have a child at this minute. If he didn't want any this minute, I would let him decide whether he wanted to continue to date me knowing I had a child or not. I wouldn't certainly pretend I had no children just for the off hand comment he wasn't ready for kids yet. Some guys say they are not ready for kids so a woman knows he is not looking to marry her in three weeks, but it doesn't mean that its forever. Anyway, i would consider saying to her "look, i am okay with the fact if you have a child. Just don't hide that fact." But if she doesn't have enough backbone to not hide the fact of her child then its another matter. I think if she has a very young child, there is no reason for you to establish a relationship with her quite yet based on how long you have been dating and she is a smart mom not to introduce her child to anyone that she doesn't consider at the point of permanency yet. But to even deny she has a child when asked?? its like she is ashamed or she is approval seeking

[Professional]

she calls her male dog "her little girl?????"

 

sorry typo on my side, I never got close enough to the dog to see what gender it was.

[Professional]

Yes!....this child thing is all coming to me now, and what you're saying makes sense. My gut is telling me she might be thinking long term and doesn't want to blow it.

When she comes over dressed for work, I know full well she doesn't want "somebody" to know she's here. When we talk I never remember to ask questions, we get so wrapped up in stories and this and that. After she's gone, I then remember "damn! I meant to ask her this and that!" and I don't want to ask her in a text acouple of days later.

[camus154]

How are you forgetting to ask her what in the hell is going on? You don't know her last name, her phone number, where she lives, or why she dresses for work when she comes over.

 

Seriously....am I the only one who feels like these forums get to be like the Twilight Zone?!

[annie24]

How are you forgetting to ask her what in the hell is going on? You don't know her last name, her phone number, where she lives, or why she dresses for work when she comes over.

 

Seriously....am I the only one who feels like these forums get to be like the Twilight Zone?!

 

some people don't want to "rock the boat."

[abitbroken]

I get the rocking the boat thing, but if you are dating someone you should at least know their phone number and last name. At least a cell phone. If she is living with parents or a roommate i could see not giving out the landline. If she had a child, all she would have to say is that she accepts calls only between what time and what time to not wake the daughter or she wants to not be talking on the phone if she doesn't get to see her daughter constantly if grandparents or sitters watch her,. Maybe she leaves you dressed for work so that whoever is watching the daughter thinks she came from work. Anyway, i think you need some answers. I would not push her for sex - but if you have been dating for some time you need to know her last name and have a way to contact her even if you agree to keep it an in person relationship and not talk all the time on the phone

[Tanzi]

I saw a baby chair in the back seat of her car!!?? I questioned her about it and she quickly answered that that was the chair for her friend's kid, and they were out shopping that afternoon. (so you left her chair in your car?) Sounded believable, so I never thought anymore about it till it came flashing back now.

 

"someday I'll introduce you to my little girl!" I said "what!!??" she said "My dog! oh I call my dog my little girl".....end of topic!!! Although I did meet her dog once, she had him in the back seat of her car....lets just say i'll never try to pet him again (damn thing!)........this explains "ALOT"

 

Thanks "a-little-blue".....

 

I can't really take the credit for the child theory, lol, as it was camus that first brought it to your attention.

 

Anyhow ... I'm pretty sure the mother would have needed the car seat back. I could have been forgotten, of course, but when you piece everything else together .....

 

Telling her that you didn't want children in your life right now would be reason enough for her to be wary of telling you. I'm not sure why she would think that keeping such a big secret from you would be helping in the long run though, because it is not something she can keep a secret forever and her over-cautiousness is causing you to be suspicious anyway! As for meeting her "little girl", well maybe she was testing the waters and maybe your reaction lead her to say she was talking about her dog.

 

I was going with kid at first too, but that doesn't explain coming over in her work uniform and leaving at work closing time.

 

Yes that still peplexes me. I think there is a high chance that she is living at home. Either with a child or without. Perhaps her parents are over-cautious too especially if she has a child and that is why the only nights she gets to see you are nights they think she is working. Hence the dressing up for work and rushing home when "work has finished".

 

So much speculation ... and none of it may be right. You will only get to the bottom of this if you ask. You could make it clear to her that know she is being unusually cautious and that you like her enough to work around whatever it is she is hidng from you ... unless it involves a husband or bf, of course.

 

Incidentally, how will you feel if she has a child or even children?