Am I Settling Or Being Silly?

[JT4266]

I wrote in another thread about my doubts about moving in with my girlfriend of 2 years.

 

I have come to realize she has all of the qualities I am looking for in a relationship - fun, loyal and honest. However I am still trying to quiet the nagging questions in my head and be happy to move forward in our relationship. I guess it has come down to the worry that I am settling. When I say settling I mean that we don't have similar interests and that physically she is not what I would define as ideal.

 

In terms of our interests she is not athletic in any way or very adventurous while I love to be active and ski and hike. However she is willing to go outside of her comfort zone for me. So that just leaves physical attraction. Don't get me wrong I am attracted to her - we have a good sex life. But I have to admit I find other women more attractive and find myself wanting to date other women sometimes. I know that this is could come off as being the grass being greener, being vain or superficial but looks do matter don't they? I try to tell myself looks fade and it works...sometimes. I've even gone as far as using an old internet dating account to look at women online. I know how wrong this is.

 

Your thoughts are appreciated

[DanDee]

She's fun, loyal and trust-worthy? To be honest it sounds as though she'd be settling if she stayed with you. Leave her so she can find someone who loves her for who she is.

[rosephase]

Okay so strange question: Have you ever had the head over heels falling in love feeling?

[JT4266]

Okay so strange question: Have you ever had the head over heels falling in love feeling?

 

I have, in my previous relationship. In this relationship it was not like this - my feelings grew over time so I've never had that feeling with L

[erase this face]

Well she doesn't really have all the qualities you are after if you don't have similar interests. Are your feelings for her waning?

[rosephase]

So there is a name for that feeling. It's called Limerence.

 

link removed

 

It's intoxicating and addicting and if you have felt it it can be hard to feel like a relationship is "real" or "the one" without it. I've gone thru it a handful of times in my life and honestly I can imagine being in a long term partnership that didn't start that way mostly because I don't really bother with dating unless I feel that level of connection. But in the long run it doesn't make much difference. It fades and then disappears and you are left with what you've built in that time... which could be love or friendship or anything really.

 

The part I would struggle with is the simple fact that you may feel these feelings for someone else in the future and it is _very_ hard to convince yourself that you should stay with a partner who you never felt that with. It's hard enough even if you felt limerence with your current partner. But you don't need limerence to have a successful relationship or deep true love.

 

What worries you about living with her? Is it just that you don't know if she is "the one" or are there other things that don't seem right?

[Hollyj]

I have, in my previous relationship. In this relationship it was not like this - my feelings grew over time so I've never had that feeling with L

 

This is healthy love.

 

Common interests mean little, what is important is similar values. I know solid couples that have little in common but, since that have the same set of values the relationship is healthy. And yes, you do seem to have the 'grass is greener syndrome.' It would be a shame if you blew it with a great girl.

[JT4266]

So there is a name for that feeling. It's called Limerence.

 

link removed

What worries you about living with her? Is it just that you don't know if she is "the one" or are there other things that don't seem right?

 

Its the question if she's "the one" even if I realize "the one" is not real. I know that I'm happy being around her but its when we're apart that I can feel the doubt inside of me. I know that there is no perfect person and you could find multiple people to be happy with, each in their own different way. You just choose that person when you feel its right.

 

I have to admit the lack of limerence(had never heard the term before) was a worry for me.

 

I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on this move and on the relationship right now. I don't want to lead her on if we're not going to be together and I'm 30 and do want to settle down in the future myself. All my friends have gotten married, moved to the suburbs from NYC and gotten on to the next phase of their lives.

[rosephase]

Do you want to settle down, get married and have kids?

[doyathink]

I dont stay with the one you can live with.....you stay the with the one you cant live without.

[pennyloafer2]

It depends on the person. I'd avoid commiting to someone where the attraction wasn't electric and sex life amazing. Your partner doesn't have to be the most attractive person out there, but you should feel something for her, like a craving for her physically. Otherwise I think you're going to end up hurting her and yourself with unfaithfulness

[RitaTrue]

It depends on the person. I'd avoid commiting to someone where the attraction wasn't electric and sex life amazing. Your partner doesn't have to be the most attractive person out there, but you should feel something for her, like a craving for her physically. Otherwise I think you're going to end up hurting her and yourself with unfaithfulness

 

She's fun, loyal and trust-worthy? To be honest it sounds as though she'd be settling if she stayed with you. Leave her so she can find someone who loves her for who she is.

 

I agree with these answers. If you can't accept her all the way around, then you are indeed settling--and you'll just end up hurting her. She doesnt deserve that.

[Lester]

Hi JT, Good stuff above and ditto to DanDee.

 

Tough question for those outside your mind… but there are clues. Why are you here?

 

As you age the superficial will fade and the value of trust will grow a lot. But if the superficial is really important to you now it will most likely remain that way in the future. You will not be able to hide your embarrassment from her. Your life will be like a tomb.

 

Don’t do that to her or you’re future family…move on.

[JT4266]

Hi JT, Good stuff above and ditto to DanDee.

 

Tough question for those outside your mind… but there are clues. Why are you here?

 

As you age the superficial will fade and the value of trust will grow a lot. But if the superficial is really important to you now it will most likely remain that way in the future. You will not be able to hide your embarrassment from her. Your life will be like a tomb.

 

Don’t do that to her or you’re future family…move on.

 

Is it the case that even questioning our relationship is enough of a sign to end it?

[BlueMilk]

Nooo, I don't think 'even questioning a relationship' is an excuse to end it. I think people /think/ its an excuse to end (thank you Hollywood!) and probably one of the main reasons for the rise in divorce rates. Marriage is a life of compromise, of give and take, of realizing that you will have days, weeks and even months of doubting, but eventually the fog should lift and be followed by days, weeks, and months of always wanting her around.

 

Is this 'niggling' feeling of 'settling' a recent think or did you always have it? When you first started to date her, how was it like? Did you date her simply cause she was available and ticked all your boxes or was there more? How was she like? Did anything change?

[Deciduous]

Hi JT4266

 

Is it the case that even questioning our relationship is enough of a sign to end it?

 

It's normal to question our relationships from time to time, but looking on your previous threads you've been questioning it from the very beginning. I'm sure she is lovely girl and it is clear that you don't want to hurt her. But the sparks you were so hoping would grow in time haven't materialised. Yes you have a deep love for her, but I have a deep and abiding love for my best friend. That doesn't mean he is right for me in a relationship.

 

You have a wonderful best friendship with this is girl, but your heart yearns for more and you can't tell it otherwise. You've certainly been trying for long enough.

 

You will continue to post these threads time and time again, logically weighing the options and hoping this is enough to convince you to stay without any doubts.

 

It hasn't worked so far, so where does that leave you?

 

Having watched two of my friends stumble through a five year relationship where he couldn't fully commit due to missing that spark and she always felt not quite good enough, it was clear that the pain wasn't worth the gains.

 

Surprisingly she finally ended it. Within six months she had moved from London to Scotland with the love of her life and became happily pregnant with 3 months of the move. All the things she had been asking her ex for.

 

It took him a year to move on and met his own new mate who was into the same sexual fetishes he was into. It seems this was why he hadn't committed. Unbeknowst to us there was a part of himself that he had to deny to make the relationship work with his former girlfriend. But in the end he said f**k it this is who I am and what I want.

 

You've known for a very long time that this isn't the girl of your dreams. Every time you walk down the street your head seems to swivelling reminding you that this relationship isn't what you want, despite your girlfriends wonderful qualities.

 

How long are you intending to remain at this point. One year, five, ten. That should certainly avoid any heartbreak on her part.

 

I know you don't want to be alone. Break ups are tough, particularly when you have a girl who loves you so much and treats you so well. Say if you move on and get your heartbroken? But some-times we have to be strong enough to take that leap of faith with our heart and have faith in our path. You've been deliberating for for two years and that isn't fair on you. And its not fair on your girlfriend. Accept it as a fact that some-one may have the most wonderful qualities, but not be the right match for our hearts. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them or you. If you continue in this relationship you will post the same thread over and over again. The relationship question will never be settled in your mind. It hasn't been so far and that is unlikely to change.

 

Time to make a decision

 

Decixxx

[DieTeufelKatze]

In my case, I didn't really have full-on "limerence" feelings for my husband. I experienced that in my prior relationship, which was decidedly unhealthy (he was commitment-phobic), and in the end would have continued to be a tumultuous relationship with drama stemming from him having lied and betrayed me early on in our dating. The relationship with my husband unfolded in a healthy, nurturing way, and though it lacks the "spark" that drama can lend to a relationship, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It is healthy and stable... that is what is needed for a happy marriage anyway.

 

However, my husband and I share quite a few interests (outdoors activities, skiing/snowboarding, art and music, etc), although we have separate hobbies as well. And I do feel physically attracted to him... he's not my absolute ideal, but all the other pluses have outweighed that. Physical beauty fades, afterall, and it's better that a long-term relationship is based on other things like shared values and mutual respect rather than physical attraction alone or foremost.

 

So did I "settle"? Some people might think so, but I don't feel I did. With maturity has come the realization that there is the quick-burning, limerence-type of love, and the long-lasting, deep abiding love that will carry you through the years as partners in a marriage or LTR. Sometimes limerence can fade to the latter, but not always, and sometimes you can find that it isn't always necessary to have that feeling from the get-go. Learning to compromise is another lesson that comes from maturity, "the one" doesn't need to perfectly fit every single attribute you believe they should have. Sometimes you learn that those ideals you've fixed in your mind don't actually matter as much as you'd think.

 

But it sounds like the lack of shared interests, plus the fact that you are finding yourself looking elsewhere at other women, doesn't bode so well for your relationship. It sounds to me like either there just wasn't enough there from the start, or you have some lessons you have yet to learn about yourself and what you need in a long-term relationship, and both of those point to a break-up. Though it will likely be very painful for both you and your GF, it might be the kinder, fairer thing to do for her sake.

[Lester]

JT, Sorry for the underline and the assumed tone. I have trouble being non-paternal.

 

Anyway it is perfectly ok to question. Matter fact, I think your chances of having long term happiness are much higher because of it.

 

What I was trying to say is you have a tough decision to make and nobody can do it you.

If you were asked about getting married to a heroin addict I could give you a definitive advice.

 

Keep searching but do be truthful with yourself. If you’re fantasying about other women, online or not…something is very wrong.

[JT4266]

Thanks to all who have weighed in and shared their experiences.

 

I do feel that I could be happy with L, or I should say I am happy with L. Its just that little nagging thing. I want to ignore it and embrace being happy with L. But what I don't want to do is ignore it and hurt the both of us further down the road. I was honest with her and created a crisis in our relationship and now our moving together is up in the air 2 weeks before we were supposed to.

 

Do I think I could be as happy with someone else? Maybe

Would I have no doubt in my mind with someone else? Maybe

Should I take a chance and commit to move in with Lindsay? The opinion here seems to be no...

[Lester]

Do I think I could be as happy with someone else? Most likely...from what you have said and done.

 

Would I have no doubt in my mind with someone else? New doubts would emerge.

 

Should I take a chance and commit to move in with Lindsay? The opinion here seems to be no... Yes the answer is no...(I think), Tough question for anonymous strangers. It will only raise the stakes higher maker harder to push away from the table. (Won't help you make up your mind.)

 

 

PS,

My wife is gorgeous. She simply never ages. A couple of drinks, (she never drinks except when out), and I have to beat off the bums and gay women.

She simply looks thirty years younger than she is. She’s a lot of fun and a Grandmother to boot.

 

I can’t tell you how many times in the past three years I wished she would age. A little less desirable would be nice.

 

Be careful what you ask for… you might get it.

[JT4266]

I think a good first step for me would be to work with a psychologist or therapist to help sort out my feelings. Its become apparent this is necessary whether or not my girlfriend and I stay together.

 

Does anyone have any recommendations in the NYC area?

[GrowingIn]

JT, man what is the deal?

 

What is going on today if in order to have a relationship, you need a psychologist before you even get married? When have we become so blind that we so easily get past the fact that IF YOU NEED a psychologist in order to make it work, there is something very wrong to begin with.

 

I'd rather have church, priests and religion back in full swing. Really. At least they all went off of a book that everybody could read.

[pennyloafer2]

Hey, there's nothing wrong with therapy. Sorting out your feelings before a big commitment is no new idea.

[GrowingIn]

Hey, there's nothing wrong with therapy. Sorting out your feelings before a big commitment is no new idea.

 

I disagree. If I need a therapist to sort out my feelings on whether or not I love or find my fiance attractive enough to actually marry her....then it's easy.... I don't! If there's one decision in life you should be able to make without the help of a shrink, it's this one.

 

That's a red flag. Just look at it from your fiance's point of view. This is where honesty and putting yourself in the other person's shoes comes into play. If she found out you needed to see a therapist in order for you to decide whether you love and find her attractive enough to marry her....would she still want to marry you? If you found out she needed to see a therapist in order for her to decide whether she loved you or found you attractive enough to marry you, would you want to marry her?

 

Whatever the heck happens in therapy, in the end it's called "influence". I'm incredibly indecisive when it comes to everything in my life, but not when it comes to the one I want to marry. You should be thoroughly convinced on your own, or don't do it. If you need a little push, you're better off going to family, friends. And if not that, look for a sign from life and leave it up to faith, maybe something from above. Any of those things would be better than a therapist.

 

That's just my two cents though.

[Deciduous]

Hi JT

 

I have to agree with GrowingIn.

 

If therapy is needed to stomach living with your live-in partner then we are onto a losing streak already. What are you hoping the therapist will say. Yes, Jane ticks all the correct boxes. Stay with her. Let's be honest. You've felt this relationship was missing a vital spark since day one and now you are resorting to all sorts of desperate measures to convince you otherwise. Will you be requesting ECT next? Perhaps a meeting with Mystic Sally. How about an audience with the pope.

 

JT - At some point you need to own your feelings. Accept them as valid. Make a decision from there. Either suck it up or move on. You have stalled by posting thread after thread to save you the trouble of taking responsibility and making an adult choice.

 

How long are you hoping to spin this out? Another two years?

 

Deci