I can't get over her and won't let it go

[Johncaldwell]

Like so many others, right there with you. I hope to god I don't wind up a wreck for the next umpteen years, but only time will tell.

 

First (reciprocated) love, hooked up at the end of freshman year after circling around each other for months. Got to sophomore year of college, started hooking up from literally the first week, dated "officially" from right after Halloween, and made it to late April. She lives halfway accross the country, and is going to China this upcoming fall. So, all in, I've been emotionally attached at some level for over a year, and definitely in love for at least five months.

 

I was a moron, an idiot, a child, and a general * * * * up. I've had a longstanding problem of being a know-it-all, and not only in terms of facts and figures: if someone gives me advice, I'm loathe to take it. I dismiss it, dissect it, and shove it back in their face. It's an abhorrent habit, and one I'm trying my damndest to overcome. Unfortunately, it seems like it's ingrained into my personality to it'll take some time.

 

I was complaining about how our uni doesn't really support things I want to do, how connections overwhelm ability in today's day and age, how it's not fair because I'm so good why aren't I getting what I want, etc etc. Being a baby. She, on the other hand, is not so genetically blessed with raw ability (god I'm a douche) and works her ass off, both because that's who she is and she feels a need to "earn" the material things she's lucked into. I truly admired this, but I spent all my time tearing her down for it and telling her she should lay back and enjoy the journey more. I should have been telling her how much of an inspiration to me she was. I should have been more proud of her, and instead I was too insecure to really live up to my end of the bargain.

 

She said it best: at first, I made her want to be a better person. At the end, according to her, that simply wasn't true anymore.

 

And I hate myself for that, and I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself. I've already forgiven her, but it took 2 months to get there.

 

I'm truly grateful for this experience, just for the opportunity to grow beyond my pathetic limitations and personality, but I'm damn angry I couldn't have learned this lesson before I met this girl. She's exceptional.

 

I had known from the beginning that, at some level, she always saw this relationship ending at the end of the year because she didn't want to have something tying her down during her semester abroad. I got that, didn't like it, but got it and supported her in that decision. When this became crystal clear, that we were going to break up at the end of the year, I broke down and cried like a baby in front of her. Big mistake, I know, but I feel emotions pretty deeply. Usually control them, but not always.

 

Anyways, things went downhill from there as the circumstances of a deadline * * * * ed with my head to no end. I can only guess they * * * * ed with hers a bit, but looking back I had so many failings she didn't need any psych help to fall out of love with me. I've been telling myself that we have a chance of getting back together, but she said herself that she expects to be friends. I don't want to let her go, I want to earn her back. I feel that the reason she didn't call me on my bull * * * * was a mix of things: one, my annoying habit of being defensive when confronted with ways I could improve, and two, the fact that she always had in the back of her mind the notion that we would end at the end of the year. I'm an idiot.

 

If only I had gone no contact immediately after, maybe I could have avoided her coalescing into a position of "we don't work." I think I've done that now. If only I had somehow learned my lesson before. God, I * * * * ed up bigtime. This girl has every single personal characteristic I want in a partner: strong, willful, independent, reticent, smart, caring (when you get behind her wall), and of course, tall and beautiful.

 

I know I need to get over her, because I'm driving myself crazy, but I want another shot at things more than anything else. Why is it such a Catch-22? I can only get over her if I can't get her back, and I can only get her back if I can get over her? If I wanted to, I could badger her into refusing to ever talk to me again right now and remove any lingering doubt I had about our future. But I'd kick myself for that for all time. If I commit to getting over her, I won't want her back. (At least, that's how I understand it -- never been in a situation like this before).

 

God damn. The signs were/are all there -- she never thought of this as a long term thing. She asked once if I thought about marriage, and I (foolishly) said "no, I'm not crazy" when infact I meant yes. She laughed and said good, and then hugged me tightly. The * * * * ing deadline screwed us. I wish to God we could have met later on in life, when we were ready for this, because we could have worked. The timing was right but wrong. And that's why I'll never be able to truly get over her, because I know that we work so well. She said so herself, even after we broke up ("I do think we get along really well & care a lot about the same things, I just lost sight of that at the end because all I could think about were the things that made me mad.") I think the deadline was the single biggest factor, besides our immaturity. But mainly the deadline -- without it, maybe we could have grown together.

 

I want a chance to show that I've grown, and that hopefully if she's grown as well we have another shot. But I was so stupid, I singlehandedly drove this girl away. Maybe I'm being too harsh on myself, but that's another trait of mine I'm working to change.

 

I don't know what I'm saying here, and apologies for the lack of form or function. I'm rambling and ranting, and would honestly be surprised if anyone makes it this far or even responds. Sorry for spewing verbal vomit on your very helpful and inspiring online community.

[Johncaldwell]

I guess, this is the crux of it: what if I had been honest? I think she was up for the seriousness of it, but I might have blown it. Then again, maybe she was really just about being casual and me being honest would only have moved the timetable forwards on our breakup. I contacted her two weeks ago, which came two weeks after she contacted me. I think I might be ready for light conversation again, but then -- maybe not. I still want to talk about the relationship but she put her foot down that she doesn't. I think part of her is painting herself into this corner because she's absolutely convinced that she doesn't want anything bogging her down in China.

 

But I want a chance to prove myself. So, so, so, so SO badly. I don't know how. I feel like I'm already failing, like I've already failed.

[everyone]

Hey Joncaldwell,

 

I was in exactly the same position as you but for different reasons. I have the same sort of personality issues with myself. The more you try to talk to her, the worse you will make things. I know this is what you've heard everywhere, and it was what I heard everywhere, but it can't hurt to hear it again. (Or it can, but you sort of need to hear it repeatedly.)

 

It's now almost a year for me and I feel much better about it, but sometimes I will see her or find something that reminds me of her and it will throw me back towards it (I found this thread for a reason, after all). You will be able to live your life again. It takes time, but the wounds do scab over.

 

When she first left, I spent a lot of time (like you) thinking about why it could have happened and how to get her back on my side. I tried discussing it with her a few times - up to about four months after we broke up - and she was very resistant, insisting that she didn't know why she felt our relationship had to end and she didn't want to talk about it anymore. She was very emotional about it, as was I. I didn't believe her.

 

We left school for a while and spent some time not seeing each other. This was very important. A few months later I found myself in a funk about something or other, ran into her somewhere, and flat out asked again why she broke up with me. This time, having spent some time away, we were both levelheaded about the conversation (she more than I), and when she told me she didn't know, I believed her. I still do.

 

Yes, it still hurts, and it probably will every time you see her. A year later for me it is still a knife in the gut to her her voice or see her in the halls; we pretend we are friendly, but our relationship is now tense and awkward. But your girl is going to China and some day I will graduate and I'll never see mine again (with luck). The more time you have away from the person in your heart, the better you feel. And I mean really away, not just "I can't see her." When something takes your mind off her, she is far away, even if she's next door.

 

What strikes me about your posts and mine, reading it over, is that they sound exactly like a hundred others I've read. This is the pattern that emotionally difficult breakups follow, and us guys seem more likely to be the ones dwelling. I know it seems right now like you will never be happy again - I spent those first four months deeply depressed and completely nonfunctional, if never suicidal - but time heals. I still think about her, and I still miss her, but I am past the point of not wanting to move on. That is barrier #1 to being happy again. What can you do now? Not much. Hang out with people. Abuse alcohol, marijuana, and tobacco - always in the company of others, of course. Try not to think too hard about her. If you find yourself thinking a lot, don't be tempted to make a journal. I did that, and it only convinced me that I knew what I was talking about. I had no idea. Neither do you. I promise.

 

Again, I know you've heard it all before, and I know, subconsciously, you won't want to believe it. I can't prevent that. But it's important to hear it addressed to you. I hope someday you will think back to this post and leave the same message for someone else.

[everyone]

I'm just gonna post again to remind you that thinking too hard about it is not therapeutic. Writing that post was almost automatic, coming from thoughts I had months ago, and it didn't help the little funk I was in. I will be fine tomorrow, but I won't sleep well tonight. I know it will seem like ignoring her is just covering up real wounds, but the biggest trauma is thinking too hard about it. And once again, I don't expect you to pick that lesson up right away, but when you are ready for it, you'll believe it.

[Badpooh]

At some point in life I think we all experience it, though some people seem to get away with always being the dumpers. I went through it many years ago--and oddly enough the year that followed turned out to be one of my most memorable and worthwhile because I reinvigorated myself--kind of reinvented myself. But I was hurting constantly. Instead of resisting it, though, which is normal, I let it all in. I didn't wallow in it but I just faced it squarely--and it was awful. Just out of the blue, any time, I could start crying and feel just crushed. But in some strange way, all that powerful emotion was itself enlivening--I drew some sort of strength from it. And then what I did was work first through my body and then later my mind to create real strength and that opened up a whole new realm of experience for me.

 

Specifically, I quit alcohol completely--I was a kind of 3 beer a day guy (in graduate school at the time), started swimming and running, and started eating incredibly healthy--cut out all saturated fats (practically all animal products, with the exception of some occasional fish), everything white (sugar, white flour, etc.), high fat foods, etc. I went from 177 lbs. to 142 lbs in about five months, and got to the point where I'd wake up and cycle to up to ten miles to work, run six to ten miles later in the day, and often follow that up with a couple of miles in the pool--and still be bursting with energy. It was incredible. I was young--26--so I had a lot of capacity and it was a good time to do something like this.

 

The sheer discipline changed me profoundly. Most of the physical gains I made were over a summer, and I came back to grad school transformed--people were asking me what the hell happened. And my work went from decent but basically mediocre to excellent--I decided there was not reason ever to get anything less than an 'A' in any class or do anything less than my very best--and that's what happened then. I graduated with honors, and was one of only two people out of about thirty who received a full ride from the university through a research assistantship. I went on to do a Ph.D. on full scholarship and stipend and made more money in grad school than a lot of people make in jobs.

 

But throughout that year I was grieving. I grieved when I ran sometimes. So I'd just run harder. I didn't evade the emotions, didn't suppress anything--one of the previous posts recommends suppressing thoughts of the woman, but in my experience you're better off just facing the reality of what's going on in you, but using it to power yourself in the direction of actualizing yourself. Whatever that means for you personally.

 

That summer I also found an internship in an organization I'd been wanting to work for for years, and traveled to places I'd always wanted to go. Life fell into place like magic. And best of all, I felt a clear, almost spiritual connection to the world all around me. That just happened spontaneously after about five months from the breakup (and I started making all of these changes the very next day--quitting alcohol, going to the pool, etc., though at first all it did was make me tired and more depressed). Despite experiencing acute emotional pain throughout all of this, I also felt incredibly alive and connected and therefore, strange as it sounds, happy. Happy and grieving all at the same time. It was a very creative period, and really the most memorable year of my adult life.

 

And I did eventually accept the breakup and accept that it was for the best. After all, she wanted to be with someone else, so how could staying with her have been right? After about 14 months I was ready to have another relationship. Eventually I got married, had kids, moved to Europe..... and the woman I was so crushed by went on, got married, lived her life, and we are friends to this day. I think of her with affection but never with longing, and I wouldn't trade what I experienced in that year for anything because it's still the foundation of my ability to deal with life's problems.

 

I can't help but think that everyone has this inner guidance system, and that you can listen to it and follow the way it tells you to go, and thereby transform yourself and your life.

 

Peace

[juxt]

i signed up just so i could thank you for this. it makes so much sense to me. i've been trying to get over a break up that happened over 10 years ago. for some reason, i wasn't able to cope with it .. no emotional strength or something, and just yesterday i found her and told her a lot about how i feel and what i regretted. she thanked me for telling her but, because of what seemed like her lack of empathy, that is all she said. i then began to remember how different she is from me and how, if i had an ex contact me after a decade or so of depression from the separation, i would talk to them and try to work with them, but she doesn't have the capacity for it and is probably a lot of the reason she is still single, as well.

 

but anyways, your post really resonates with me.. especially the part about becoming what you were searching for, because that's exactly how i feel. you learn so much about yourself through other people. thank you for posting that.

[amazingly]

I read your post and thought WOW! - few men really care that much about their feelings for women as they tend to push their feelings to the back of their minds as a way of getting through their

individual pain. I wish the man I love in all honesty would feel the same about me, maybe he does who knows?. All I know is that if someone genuinely (wholeheartedly) loves a man, she can act quite cruel if he has proved hard to get in the past, wants him to jump a few hurdles to demonstrate his feelings for her. I don't know the full background of your situation with this woman, but if she is testing you to the limit then it is because she wants you to 'prove' your honest care for her in general. Let her know you want her whatever that takes, then leave the ball in her court and get on with your life as best you can, and if she really does feel anything for you she will come running after you.

[Capricorn3]

Thread is 10 years old and OP has never returned. Closed.