Reconciliations - only if the dumpee originally respects being dumped?

[Tired Tiger]

...she told me that she has thought about it all and we can't be friends ever, before, now and in the future and that she asks me to not seek any form of contact ever again and that if I don't stop, she'll seek the help of her friends, family and the police and will cut off all contact forcefully.

 

...

 

What to do?

 

Yes, I do believe that there is something to be done.

 

Wow... seriously?

 

The best "something" you could do is absolutely nothing, except perhaps find yourself a good counselor. That, or an attorney.

[WeightOffChest]

Good story, Weight, and, especially, good for her.

 

(And I think she's actually taking you back.

Thanks, and funny you should say that. Because my friends think I'm taking her back, and her friends think she's taking me back lol.

 

But in the end, it doesn't matter who's taking who back. It's not even about taking back or dumper/dumpee dynamic. It's a matter of, "do the people in the breakup have enough dignity and competency to get back together?" The relationship didn't end badly. We weren't in a bad place, just bad timing and external pressures. But, we fundamentally get along at a core level. I guess that was preserved in the whole aspect of the breakup, which makes getting back a desirable idea. She did leave some reminiscent notes about our past and let me know how much I hurt her (maybe guilted me a little bit), but she stood tall and respected the breakup. It was evident that she loved me still, but she needed to focus on herself. And while I did do the "apology e-mail/leaving gifts/reminiscing about the past"-type of desperation, I never lost my backbone in trying to get her back. I showed that I cared, but not to the point where I would disrespect myself (as many newbies on this board do).

 

The point is, the breakup happened, but we didn't break down individually. Sure, we were hurting very much so. Her friends tell me how amazed they were at her composure, but they knew it was a rough time. My friends were probably sick of me talking about it, but I took what I learned and acted on it. Now, because I never saw her as a pathetic, groveling loser and she never saw me as a crazy, desperate psycho, we have a better chance at getting back together.

 

I hope we do.

 

Being apart initially, we had a 'letting go' moment where we both deeply loved each other and freely acknowledged that it's over. She was worried about me falling in

[skyhigh2]

Thank you for providing some clarity from the dumpers POV. Sometimes, this whole dumping etc. situation seems like a sick power control game. Obviously, there is no respect for the dumpee in pain who attemps to save a relationship in a weak moment of desperation/panic, but so much more respect for a dumpee who moves on to sleep with other people almost immediately. So, yes, a dumpee who jumps into bed with someone else right away - they still are the more attractive ones though.

[MakeItCount]

Holy balls this one should be interesting. OP, leave the poor girl alone. No plans, no texting, no facebook, nothing. Get rid of facebook, or block her. Delete her phone #. Do HER and YOURSELF a favor and take some time to cool things off. Seriously, before you get a restraining order.

[IceFireSoul]

Ok, but all of my messages were lovely; there was no threatening; no being mad/bad with her, it was all I'm sorry's and I miss you's and "It will be so nice if we do this and that once again" and so on. Awaiting her in front of her house was only in the first week; just once.

 

Is it irreversible?

[Mellie]

No, your messages wouldn't have been lovely, not to her. 2,000 text messages isn't lovely, it's a nightmare. You might not have been nasty, you might have been as sweet as honey in them, but you didn't do it with her best intentions, you did it with yours. They were designed to manipulate her. You weren't respecting that she wanted to be left alone and badgered and badgered someone you had no right to be badgering.

 

Marshmallows are nice, right? Ok, if I throw you a few, that's nice, yes? But if I throw you so many you're buried in them and can't breathe anymore, not so good, is it?

 

I'm glad to hear you only turned up once there though.

 

Yes. So far as you're concerned, it's irreversible. That's very clear from the "don't contact me again, in any way shape or form, or I'll call the police". If you want it clearer, I guess you could contact her one more time, and I'm pretty sure she will contact the police, then all shadow of doubt will be removed. She'll take out an injunction, and if you break that, you'll go to jail. THEN, finally, you won't be able to contact her. I'm thinking that's probably a bit drastic, but if you feel that's the route you want to go down...

[duug]

Reminds me of the phrase.. "Nothing says "I Love You" like a restraining order"

[Edmund Exley]

Ok, but all of my messages were lovely; there was no threatening; no being mad/bad with her, it was all I'm sorry's and I miss you's and "It will be so nice if we do this and that once again" and so on. Awaiting her in front of her house was only in the first week; just once.

 

Is it irreversible?

 

You know what is irreversible? Restraining orders.

 

Dude - You seriously need to come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can do. You've done all you can and her response was if you continue she will involve family, friends and police to make you stop.

 

Let me explain something very serious to you and Im assuming you live in the U.S. When someone has made it clear to you that they wish to have no more contact from you, any repeated attempts to contact are called harassment. You can and will be arrested and charged with harassment and will have to appear in front of a judge.

 

ADDITIONALLY, being that she has record of over 2000 text messages, numerous emails, and you being in front of her house you most likely will also be charged with STALKING. Stalking is a very serious charge and it is handled very seriously because in the past when obsessive behaviour by an ex was ignored, often times the end result would be the ex murdering the person they obsessed over. For that reason, the authorities do not look lightly on this behaviour.

 

If you are lucky you will go in front of a judge and they will see you are just a harmless heart broken guy, tell you what we have all told you, "Accept its over and stay away from her" and issue a restraining order. However, if you end up in front of a judge that isnt so compassionate, you will be found guilty, fined and may face jail time. The worst part is, you will have to explain how you werent really a stalker, just overly obsessed with a girl that dumped you on every job interview you go on as you will now have a criminal record to explain.

 

Now is it really worth all that to tell someone who no longer wants to be in a relationship with you that you understand your mistakes and are sorry?

[Brownstone322]

Ok, but all of my messages were lovely; there was no threatening; no being mad/bad with her, it was all I'm sorry's and I miss you's and "It will be so nice if we do this and that once again" and so on. Awaiting her in front of her house was only in the first week; just once.

 

Is it irreversible?

Part of being psycho is that, even with reflection, you still have no idea how psycho your behavior was. Anyone on earth would be repulsed by hundreds of redundant, pointless messages a day. How can you still not get that?

 

So, is the situation irreversible? Yes, almost certainly. It'd be my guess that, years from now (maybe decades from now), she'll be telling her friends about the insanse ex who once e-stalked her and woudn't take no for an answer. She'll openly ponder what she was doing with that guy to begin with. (But it'll probably give her chills to think about as well.)

 

You need to get this straight: You have destroyed any chance of salvagaing that relationship. I mean, do you really think you and she could carry on as if that stuff never happened? How could that possibly work?

 

At least it appears that you've learned something from the experience. Your best hope is to apply that to the future.

[ONCT]

The relationship didn't end badly. We weren't in a bad place, just bad timing and external pressures. But, we fundamentally get along at a core level. I guess that was preserved in the whole aspect of the breakup, which makes getting back a desirable idea.

 

Good for you guys, it's good to hear some positive notes.

I hope I'll have a 2nd chance too except that I'm the dumpee, had a hard time in the beginning accepting but always respected her decision as she did what was best for her. I still don't fully understand why she doesn't want my support as I've always supported her decisions but it is what it is.

[IceFireSoul]

Ok, I understand all of that, but then, why would someone who REALLY loved me want the WORST for me? She used to tell me that "For two souls who love each other even death isn't separation"; used to tell me I'm her all; looked me in the eyes and used to close hers, so to keep me for a little bit more in the sight, used to listen to romantic music and send me love lyrics; everything, waited for me 8 months, while I was far away; used to stay all night talking to me and we even shared the most strange weird sexual fetishes 100%; that I'd never be able to share with anyone else; and then she used to say that she NEVER wants to loose this.

 

And now in just 5 days she found another person and everything collapsed to the point of no return; while in those 3 months all that she wanted was NOTHING or eventually "friends", which didn't mean meet each other, or anything...

 

How should a super-romantic and logical human being like me be able to understand and accept such change from the only one I love, want and care about?

 

I did sent her a fare well message and deleted her number and details from everywhere; but this pain will remain for life. How should I accept it?

[mhowe]

The words "I love you" are a statement of fact, not a promise for forever. What you had once is gone, it is in the past. Take the memories out and look at them if you will, but know that your time with this woman has drawn to a close. And you have made it clear that you cannot be in her life going forward.

 

The pain will lessen over time, but you really need to assess your behavior here ---- and vow to make some changes.

[CMS]

How should I accept it?

 

Tell yourself that you have accept the breakup and start believing in it. Find a hobby or whatever other activities to occupy yourself with and get out of the house. This healing process for you might take a long time, and its not going to be easy, but you will be fine

[Edmund Exley]

You start by telling yourself that those things were said at a different time when you were a couple, you are no longer a couple.

 

Being "super romantic" doesnt give you the right to reject another persons decision to break up with you. As for being logical, there is not one bit of what you have done that is logical. You wont even practice the logical advice you tried to give on another thread. Saying one thing and doing another is entirely illogical.

 

You had a chance to be her friend, she tried that, you kept trying to rekindle the relationship and she decided she couldnt be a friend with you. You cant change that.

 

Also, I dont know how young you are, but this pain will not stay with you forever. Yes it hurts, yes it sucks, but yes it will go away.

 

You accept it by coming to the realization that there is nothing you can do to change it. Tell yourself that everytime the thought of "what used to be" comes in to your mind.

[Wildcars]

I kinda agree with everyone..

 

I can relate to what you are going through, and the plan, which i kinda agree..

 

But you really gotta leave her alone now, NC, it's best for both of you, because if it happens, it will happen.. Just get on with your life, bite through it!! I went through hell, but now i realized that i don't need her, even though i love her.. And maybe one day i will meet someone else who i can trust and love again!!

 

But I do love your posts with the ideas, it does give a sense of hope, just not the part with LC involved, i really think you should go strict NC...

[lucasky]

 

How should a super-romantic and logical human being like me be able to understand and accept such change from the only one I love, want and care about?

 

 

Romantic? Maybe. But romantic to me is also knowing when to bow out of an ended romance gracefully and with dignity.

 

Logical? No. Don't kid yourself. You're not being logical at all.

 

Logic = this: She does not want to be with me, therefore she does not want to date me or be my romantic partner. She may have loved me once but she does not love me any more (or at least, not in the ways that she once claimed to).

 

Logic = this: My actions towards her have been terrible. I need to work on myself a lot before I can be with someone or love someone properly if I cannot respect their boundaries. If you loved her - really loved her - you'd leave her alone until you've really... REALLY changed.

 

I know a girl who was harassed by an ex as you have harassed her. She never wants to get back together with him - but he did scar her for a long time. Are all men like this? Do I need to live in fear? What did I do to deserve this?

^^^

These are all questions that plagued her for a long time. Do you want to scar someone you loved so horribly? If you love them, I'd think no. You'd let them go with grace. Instead you've acted possessive and obsessed - but not in love.

[lucasky]

But I do love your posts with the ideas, it does give a sense of hope

 

Seeing that a maniac has hope is lovable? No thanks. Hope that you find on these forums, or comfort that you find here, should come from healthy stable people that reconcile or are looking to reconcile. Seeing crazy ramblings as hopeful is a bit odd.

[Wildcars]

Seeing that a maniac has hope is lovable? No thanks. Hope that you find on these forums, or comfort that you find here, should come from healthy stable people that reconcile or are looking to reconcile. Seeing crazy ramblings as hopeful is a bit odd.

 

You took one of my sentence and did not take my whole post into context.

 

I agreed with everyone where he should actually leave her alone for now.. But you are being too cynical, he is able to have hope.. But also, it's actually good that he posts his story in detail, so we can actually give him advice...

 

But gunning him down and telling him he's crazy, NOT HELPING!!

[Edmund Exley]

You took one of my sentence and did not take my whole post into context.

 

I agreed with everyone where he should actually leave her alone for now.. But you are being too cynical, he is able to have hope.. But also, it's actually good that he posts his story in detail, so we can actually give him advice...

 

But gunning him down and telling him he's crazy, NOT HELPING!!

 

I agree. I think all of us have been to this point at one time or another during a break up. Maybe not to this extreme.

 

I dont think people really mean he is crazy though, I think everyone is just trying to shake him to his senses because he knows what he needs to do, but he chooses to ignore it and keep saying "There must be a way! This can all be forgotten!" He needs a dose of reality that its not going to be forgotten anytime soon, if at all. I just dont see how you forget someone who texted you 100 times a day.

[lucasky]

^^^ Yes yes yes.

[Brownstone322]

I dont think people really mean he is crazy though, I think everyone is just trying to shake him to his senses ...

If he were truly crazy, then he wouldn't even have recognized that 2,000 text messages in three months was out of the ordinary or self-described it as "text-message terrorism."

 

On the other hand, if I had done something like that, I'd never admit to it at all.

[browneyedgirl36]

Ok, but all of my messages were lovely; there was no threatening; no being mad/bad with her, it was all I'm sorry's and I miss you's and "It will be so nice if we do this and that once again" and so on. Awaiting her in front of her house was only in the first week; just once.

 

Is it irreversible?

 

Unfortunately, no one can tell you whether it's "irreversible" or not; only time will tell that, and it's entirely up to her.

 

Something you need to understand, too, is that it's not so much the *content* of the messages you sent, but the *volume*. Honestly, I think you should count yourself very fortunate that all she did was get a little miffed at you; she could have changed her number (I'm surprised she didn't, about 1,500 messages ago!) or gotten a restraining order against you. Harassment does NOT have to be overtly threatening -- it can simply be persistently bothering someone, and depending upon where you live, you can get in big trouble for it.

 

I understand that you believe she is the "one" for you, and this belief, in my opinion, is the root of your problem. There isn't just "one" for anyone; yes, you love her, but your fear of losing her and of letting go are tricking you into believing you can't be happy without her. Fear is a VERY powerful thing; it causes us to panic in these situations, to try to hold on tighter when we should be letting go. It tricks us into believing that this ONE thing is the ONLY thing that will make us happy and that we'll never be happy again without it. The thing is, it's NOT true. You say you're a "super romantic" but that you're "logical" also; the thing is, your logic is seriously being overshadowed by your fear here. If you were being logical, you would say to yourself, "OK, this is sad, I'm hurting, but I know this isn't forever. I know someday I will love someone else if I allow myself to do that." You have to get yourself out of "panic mode" and back into "logical thinking" mode; this may take time. This is why NOT contacting her for a LONG time is a good idea.

[jeepman41]

IceFireSoul, you say you've read a lot about human interaction. Now you need to implement some of that research material. Over 2000 text messages is not asign of love. It's stalking, pure and simple.

 

No matter how much this girl is the "love of your life" there is nothing you cando to change the situation. Just accept the fact that it's over and start to begin letting go. If you really love her as much as you say you do then you should be able to be happy for her even if she is not with you. That's called unconditional love.

 

You need to use your logic and step back and examine your behavior. Is it rational? No it is not. The woman knows you need her and you love her and that is what is causing her to be bitter toward her after she's told you to leave her alone. You are living in fear because you feel like there will never be another to love you like her. You don't know that and you never will until you let go.

[SethSLC]

And now in just 5 days she found another person and everything collapsed to the point of no return

 

Nothing ever.. E-V-E-R... happens out of the blue. The signs are always there if we know our partner well enough and have a active awareness of the relationship. She didn't meet someone in 5 days, she met that person long before the breakup I promise you.

 

As for advice...well I don't think you're at a place mentally to receive any proper advice. The best I can do is hope you don't make things worse before you're ready to listen to what has already been said to you. Best of luck

[ngu11]

I just want to say to IceFireSoul, I admire your honesty. You've taken a bit of a reality check beating on here but I'm sure it all came with the best intent. We as humans are generally our own worst enemy and, you have without doubt been yours! Forget your plans...I had the "perfect" plan which was scuppered accidentally...so from that day, I decided to move on with love! We've all had the love of our lives....and the next one is even more so...it just happens like that.

 

If you want to make a plan, make a plan to get back to being you and learn from the myriad of mistakes made by yourself and the countless people on here. If you don't learn and move on, things will get worse. Moving on doesn't mean you have to forget her or stop loving her...I mean there are no guarantees that she wont come back to you HOWEVER, try and chill out a bit...it's not a race. If you take the 'act now' approach, it'll be like scooping oil from water!

 

Keep posting the positive stuff that you have been doing...if you do it enough and support others (easier than helping yourself) you may find it to be extremely calming and therapeutic!

 

Nothing is going to change with you and your ex today or tomorrow...maybe not ever...or maybe it will in the future. Fighting them on it though, will not get you anywhere closer to your goal.

 

Good luck man