My mom really doesn't like me anymore, dont know how to improve this?

[hippychick11]

Firstly, I'm 25 yrs old and I live at home with my mother and sister.

 

It's a sad situation at the moment because my mom really despises me I feel and I've even heard her say to people 'I can hardly look at her'.

 

This all started 2 months ago when I went on my first overseas trip, I had the absolute time of my life and I met a lot of new people, had a lot of new experiences and just really enjoyed the independence I had for the first time ever really. I also met up with an online friend whom I had spoken to for 3 years and I did safely and was responsible about it all. I fell in love with this person and I didn't want to leave, we spent almost every day together and it was upsetting to have to say goodbye, but it was time for me to go home so I did.

 

During the time I was away my mother was suspicious I was up to something (she didnt know about this guy I met) because I wasn't calling her every single day, I'd call every second day though to check in and let her know I was having a good time because I knew she'd probably worry.

 

Her and my sister started going through my bedroom, checking an old mobile phone I'd left there, going through my diary - which is how she found out about this guy. This was such a crazy time and she was calling me at 2am at the hotels I was at yelling at me and telling me she knew what I was doing. It was horrible. Especially because I was having such an amazing time and this was my first trip overseas.

 

So I am back at home and nothing was the same as it was prior to my trip. My mother often says 'you went and met this guy you hardly knew and gave up your virginity!' and other cutting things like that. She's constantly trying to threaten me by telling me she's going to message my boyfriend and she's never nice to him which upsets me because I love him and I want her to accept that.

 

I'm really set on going back to this other country, I've applied for a working visa and I'd ideally like to live and work there.

My mother hates this idea and is trying every way possible to stop me which I don't understand considering she's constantly telling me how much she hates me and how weird I am for wanting to be with a guy I met off the internet.

 

I'm honestly not happy here and I want to make my own life (which she doesnt understand) I think my mom thinks that I'm betraying her by wanting to move away and I do love my mom a lot, I will miss her so much but this is something I need to do now.

 

There is so much fighting going on at home over this and I don't know what to do. I feel bad about it like I'm not part of our family anymore but I know this would be so good for me.

 

What can I do?? any advice would be great.

[Capricorn3]

I get the feeling that your mother is more concerned, and possibly in shock, rather than a case of her not liking you. Try see it from her point of view. She knew nothing about your internet friend. Her daughter goes overseas (which usually makes any parent feel a little anxious for their safety in general), and then she suddenly finds out that her daughter has gone there to see and meet a guy she met on the internet ....... Parents immediate reaction? Freak out!!, lol. I know if that was my daughter, I probably would have freaked out too, simply because I would be extremely concerned for her safety. She probably feels betrayed, and hurt that you never trusted her enough to tell her the truth.

 

I think if she had been fully informed from the get-go, it would be an entirely different story (imo). She's now going to have to get used to this idea and I have no doubt it will take some time. I have no idea how you can smooth things over.

[demonwitchx]

I get the feeling that your mother is more concerned, and possibly in shock, rather than a case of her not liking you. Try see it from her point of view.

 

Sounds like that to me too. Well, you know mothers, they are always worried and I think you shouldn't view it in a negative way. Remember, mum knows best.

[lavenderdove]

>>Firstly, I'm 25 yrs old and I live at home with my mother and sister.

 

That is a lot of your problem right there. Adult children still living at home can create an environment where either the parent resents the adult child for still being dependent on their finances and doing things like spending money on vacations etc. rather than on developing a career and moving out, or they can still view you as a child they still need to control since you are in an extended pseudo-adolescent living in their home still even though you're an adult.

 

So as long as you're in her home and doing things she doesn't approve it, it is going to heighten the friction.

 

And truthfully, she might have legitimate concerns about you changing your whole life and moving overseas to be with a person you've only spent a short time with in person. Maybe that will work out great for you, or maybe it won't, but she is your mother and is probably concerned that you're acting impulsively to move overseas to be with someone you've spent very little face time with. And it probably upsets and terrifies her that you'll be so far away from her and her not able to see you very often due to the distance.

 

If your BF is indeed good for you, then she will most likely accept him once she sees that over time. so if you do have the money to go and the resources to support yourself overseas, then all you can do is go ahead and make the move out of her house. All you can do is cointinue to reinforce that you love her very much and try not to fight with her or bring up the topic all that much until you leave.

[Mephisto13]

+1 lavenderdove

[ATown]

Lavenderdove, well said.

[katycloud]

I think it was totally out of line that your mother and sister went through your bedroom!

 

Anyway, I agree in that I doubt you mum doesn't like you anymore. I think she's probably just concerned. Lavenderdove's post was spot on.