rose35 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 there is a guy i know from grammar school and now i am 26..i think a few years ago we may have liked each other..we hung out once to catch up but then i think he wound up in a relationship with another girl from the same school. I met someone as well. I have been single for a while now and they are still together (i think)..so it's been years that they have been together..i would say about 5 or 6 which is a very a long time..i don't know all the details and i havent' seen him in awhile..we will sometimes talk on aim or he will text me during the holidays. On facebook, they have a lot of pictures together over the years but nothing recent..and i noticed he removed his "in a relationship" status from facebook which seems odd. It doesn't list anything but he still has his albums up. He told me awhile ago they were on a break and then got back together. I guess i sort of have a crush but i know he is hands off. He texted me probably 2 months ago if i wanted to meet up in the group he was in for a drink..it was a little too late since i wasn't ready and decided not to go. I texted him about a month ago if he wanted to grab drinks and he can invite whoever he wants..he said he was honestly tired from work but would make it up to me. He texted me randomly yesterday asking if i had plans for the night and said so and so's brother is in town and said i should bring a friend. I didn't have any friends to bring and i also was coming back from somewhere so i felt lazy He texted again later kind of joking around saying i have too many excuses etc..and i said i'll try to come..i was getting ready but really didn't like how i was looking after being out all day..my hair was still greasy after a shower etc..i didnt feel as confident..and it was almost midnight by the time i was ready..they were still out though..i sort of decided by 1am i wasn't gonna go and fell asleep i woke up and saw a text at 2:30 from him joking around about why i didnt come meet them and he was looking forward to seeing me I texted him back this morning saying im sorry and i wanted to and to let me know if they go out again tonight and no response at all..so i am guessing he is still with her b/c otherwise he probably would have responded. It sounds like maybe he likes me a little though? He's a decent guy and i can't picture him ever cheating and another friend said the same which is why she is confused as well. She said maybe he considers it harmless since we go way back or maybe in some way it comes out that he is interested in me a little regardless that he is with her. I guess in some way i wish i had a chance with him. I don't want to ask if they are still together..i don't want to appear obvious. Should i text him tomorrow and wish him a happy 4th or leave it be for now? I am guessing if he was really interested he would have responded somehow. Link to comment
DN Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 If he has a girlfriend you should not go out with him but even if he hasn't you have turned him down so many times you have probably lost your chance anyway. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Even if he does like you a little, he has a girlfriend so he can't like you all that much. How would you feel if you were his girlfriend and he was emailing some other girl at 2:30 in the morning? Link to comment
jas56 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Even if he does like you a little, he has a girlfriend so he can't like you all that much. How would you feel if you were his girlfriend and he was emailing some other girl at 2:30 in the morning? If he has a girlfriend you should not go out with him but even if he hasn't you have turned him down so many times you have probably lost your chance anyway. Exactly. Even if you had a chance there is still one major factor. It's all about respect. Link to comment
rose35 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 i don't know what their status is..that is what i am confused about and what i thought i wrote in the post..how he took his in a relationship status off facebook after it being there awhile. Why randomly do that? and i haven't turned him down so many times..where do you even get that from?..once when it was a little too late for me to shower and change to go out, i was just lounging around..and yesterday..i asked him a month ago to meet for drinks and invite whoever he wanted but he couldn't. So it's not all me.. just sort of questioning if maybe in some way he has a tiny crush on me or is somewhat interested..my friend thinks there is some interest and isn't sure what's going with him and maybe they are in the process of breaking or whatever the case is b/c she doesn't see him being shady and neither do i to be honest. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 How about you ask him whether he is in a relationship or not. If it's anything other than a "no - I'm single" then you need to step back. If he is in a complicated relationship, it means that he's unavailable. The first thing you need to find out is whether he is single. Then, if he is, you can find out whether he is interested. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 it sounds like there might be some interest there, but it's unclear what his relationship status is. It's hard to tell. You could try to draw it out in conversation with him. like ask him what he is doing for the 4th. if he says 'going to a bbq with my gf' then you know. if he says 'going to a bbq' then it's more iffy. I would text him, sure. Link to comment
rose35 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 yea, i don't want to directly ask him..wish there was another way or atleast a recent pic of them b/c then i would know. I just felt like the texts were flirty..probably reading into it though..my friend thought the same thing and she knows him as well from years ago..and said it doesn't seem like him to do anything shady behind someone's back so maybe something is up and he is single at the moment. i have joked with him in the past on aim asking so when are you getting married and he kind of brushes it off and responds with a joke as well he doesn't really bring her up too much..should i text him happy 4th even though he didn't respond to my text message? just to see what he says? if he gives a simple response then i know to leave him alone. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Just say, "Hey, I like talking with you and everything. But I was wondering, do you have a girlfriend or are you single? Because I'm a bit confused about that and I wouldn't want to come between you and your girlfriend if you are in a relationship." Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Taking your relationship status off facebook and hiding photos and flirting with you are the actions of a shady person or someone that might cheat. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 do you know his gf? you could always say, 'how is sarah doing? i haven't seen her in forever!' Link to comment
rose35 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 i know of her and who she is but i am not friends with her or ever hung out with her before..so i would feel weird asking that i just felt like we do maybe like each other but its probably all in my head b/c it was just texting. Should i text him tomorrow saying happy 4th just to see if he says anything? if its a simple thanks u too then i should probably leave him be. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 If you have feelings for him and the last you heard he had a girlfriend, then you need to distance yourself and draw boundaries. That means don't text him on the 4th of July. Or you can outright ask him whether he's in a relationship. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 do you have any mutual friends who might know? Link to comment
BrokenSmile Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 he doesn't really bring her up too much..should i text him happy 4th even though he didn't respond to my text message? just to see what he says? if he gives a simple response then i know to leave him alone. hmm, he doesn't bring her up too much? or he doesn't bring her up at all? because even if he brings her up a little bit, then you know they are still involved.. I think asking outright is the best way to go- it shows that you're possibly interested if he is single, but it gives you a clear answer that you should move on if he is not. If you continue talking to him this way without getting a clear answer, you might start developing feelings that will be harder to get rid of in the event you do find out he has a girlfriend. But if you really don't want to ask him outright, then there might be other ways that you can still get a clear answer. You could possibly make a specific reference to this girl and see what he says, for example if you guys are talking about plans for the day, you could ask if he's hanging out with his girlfriend, or you could ask at some point how things are going with his girlfriend. Whatever you do, I think it's best to find out for sure before feelings start developing. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Following on from what BrokenSmile said (great advice), you might want to make it a rule to only get close to guys that take you out on dates. Which means no excessive texting or contact until then. If he wants to be with you, he will take you out on a date if you make it clear that is the only way for him to get to know you. And if he (or any guy) can't take you out on dates because they are still hung up on an ex, or still in a "complicated" relationship, that is when you say "Oh, that's too bad" and then you pull way back for good, not to punish that person, but for your own sanity and so that you are free to invest time in someone that is able to date you and will do so. I know you're trying to make it seem really complicated but it isn't. He is either available for a relationship, or he isn't. And if you hang around when he isn't, you are the one that will end up hurt. Link to comment
rose35 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 all great points, thanks I guess i could do that..in some way i was hoping if i texted him happy 4th..and if he was single or something--then maybe he would text back saying btw if you aren't doing anything lets do this or that..4th of july would be the perfect excuse to do something as a group if he was going somewhere don't do it? I definitely haven't been waiting..but for some reason yesterday did something to me and his last text to me as well even though he may have been tipsy at that point..it still stirred those slight feelings again. i keep thinking..watch one day he will announce his engagement since they have been together for probably 5 or 6 years..i know they had a break awhile back..so i am thinking they are either gonna go the distance and get married one day or eventually break up. Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 So you admit that they are still together? I would assume that unless HE tells you otherwise or he asks you out on a date (and he also mentions that he's now single) that you pull way back. I doubt he is going to ask you out. I think you are fantasizing a bit. Next time he contacts you, say, "look, I feel a bit uncomfortable being in contact with you so much when you have a girlfriend. If you are ever in a position to date in the future, then you can contact me and we can see how things go. Otherwise it would be best for your relationship with your girlfriend as well as for me if we were not in touch like this. Thanks." Link to comment
rose35 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 no--i don't know if they are together..it was just me saying they have known each other for yrs so either its really over or one day they will be engaged. I have known him since i was a kid..i don't want to just not be friends with him..and we aren't really in alot of contact with each other..this was the most in awhile actually except for the text he sent me probably over a month ago and the one i sent him a month ago. Nothing really major. Link to comment
Sanesoul Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Why do you want to go after a taken man? Leave him alone. Link to comment
Yaz Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Why don't you just ask him? Say: SO. HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? If he says yes, you turn on your heel and GTFO. Never speak with him again. If he's working to gain your admiration whilst he has another girl, you can be sure he'll do the same to you. If he says no, you say: NO? WANT ONE? Problem solved. Link to comment
Kishiko Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Don't make that guy into a cheater it's not fair for his girlfriend. Link to comment
Yaz Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Don't make that guy into a cheater it's not fair for his girlfriend. You're not 'making him into a cheater'. He is either a cheater, or not. Has nothing to do with the partner. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 You're not 'making him into a cheater'. He is either a cheater, or not. Has nothing to do with the partner. I see what you're saying, but I also agree with what Kishiko is saying...the fact is, both parties are equally responsible when it comes to cheating. mjj, I think you know what you have to do...you may be afraid of the answer, but the -only- way to know with absolute certainty is to ask. Link to comment
rose35 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 well weird thing is he asked me about 4th of july and hanging out with him and his friend. He mentioned me bringing a friend and i said i will have to see b/c everyone is away etc and then i joked and texted saying why you want me to set you up? and he responded maybe a friend said his texts are flirty and maybe he was testing me out..i met them at the bar but i think he wanted a group thing..more girls or whoever, he said the more people the better and even mentioned they may go to a bbq in a little while (not sure if that was a negative for me..like i get there and other plans are mentioned) but we hung out there for awhile and then we went to another place to grab some food and more drinks. so we all spent a couple of hours together. I didn't ask him directly about his status but from the way he was talking it seems he may be single (temporarily, who knows) b/c he was mentioning a beach vacation and going here or there etc....where was his g/f for the 4th and the whole weekend? seemed like something definitely happened between them It was still nice to just see someone who i knew from years ago regardless of what may or may not happen after they walked me home i texted him later i had fun with u guys etc and i hope i was enough entertainment in a joking way and he wrote u were fine but next time bring your cute friends..i responded back with something saying like he is a jerk and he wrote i am kidding. So i guess he may not like me and just wanted me to bring a group to hang out in. or maybe its just too early to tell..we haven't spent any real time together. Link to comment
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