stuck with this

[sidiot]

Found out 3 weeks ago that my partner (we have lived together for 6 years) was having an affair for over 6 months. We are still together because the morning I found out (she called me and it was my birthday to boot), we were coaching kids baseball in a big tournamnet together and we had people staying over for a few days form another country. I sucked it up all weekend so we would not ruin these people's weekend here.....We talked and talked for days after this about what had happened and he was honest to me about the details he convinced me about how much of a mistake it was and we should try to work it out.....I was in shock for a couple of weeks and now that the numbness is wearing off I am saying to myself, I Must be crazy to stay with him. How can I ever trust this won't happen again. Our relationship was definetely in a slump over the last couple of years but what kind of a person cheats on you like this. Any cheaters out there that can verify my fear that once a cheater always a cheater?????

[goddess23]

although i cannot verify the once a cheater always a cheater thing since ive never been in that situation, i can tell you that from your post, you would be punishing yourself by staying with him. first of all, you said yourself, that the relationship hasnt been all that great for a COUPLE OF YEARS, thats enough to tell you to end it. and the fact that he was cheating for 6 months. i think hes more sorry that he got caught then regretful. if it was a one time thing i might let it go. but a 6 month affair means he must have had an amzing connection with this person. you would be putting yourself down in more ways than one to go back with this person. it seems that you have some type of obligations keeping you in this relationshp. are there children? is it the sharing of finances? it seems like theres something else keeping you there, and ofcourse the length of the relationship makes if feel comfortable. but it hasnt been good, if you can, get out of it!! this is not healthy for you.

[shes2smart]

Some people can stay with a cheating partner...some even manage to forgive and build their trust in that person again. I don't know how they do it, 'cause I know I couldn't.

 

I have only had one bf who cheated on me (as far as I know). As soon as I stumbled upon 100% solid proof, I was done. In his first marriage, my husband caught his ex-wife cheating on him, and right then he was done.

 

Within yourself you already know if you are capable of the level of forgiveness and acceptance it would take to stay with him. If you know you aren't you need to get out in order to keep your self-respect and dignity. It's not going to be easy, but living a lie and having no self-respect is A LOT harder.

 

best of luck to you,

~s2s

[Deann]

I have cheated on my bf of 2 1/2 yrs and I have to say that the philosophy of once a cheater always a cheater is not true. There was something lacking in your relationship for this to happen to begin with. I told my bf of my cheating and we have decided to try to work it out. We are in counseling now and our relationship is better now than it was before. I don't know you or your partner but he could genuinley be sorry for what he did and it may have been a terrible mistake. I am not saying that you should just forgive him completely and act as if nothing happened because it will take a very long time for ya'll to move through this but if you really love him you should atleast give it some time. It has been about 4 1/2 months for us. There have been so many ups and downs and at times we have both questioned if this could really work but my bf will be the first to tell you our relationship has become stronger. Hope this helps.

[sidiot]

I don't know how to get past that sickening feeling in your stomach when you think about what was going on between them. I have not been with anyone else for so many years and now this. Does this revolting feeling ever go away if you stay? I keep thinking I would feel better if I take up a secret lover myself just so I could just think about that instead. That just seems so self defeating but at the same time I think the satisfaction of knowing that I had a secret and also had fun would make me feel better. We have had sex since I found out and it was very emotional but at the same time it just does not feel special anymore.

[mscolly]

You get over it (but with relapses and perhaps never 100%) with lots of time and patience on both parts.

 

Almost 8 months ago my wife of 18 yrs told me about her affair, and I discovered that a broken heart hurts physically, its a pain in the chest. Thinking of thm together cause real twinges in the stomach. Sleepless nights, wondering how much I was to blame, for helping to cause it, for not seeing what was going on.

 

If the will's there, if there's love, you'll get over it. Understanding and pardon help. For that you need to talk and talk and talk, but knowing when to stop at times because you're exasperating each other. At a certain point, anger sets in. Don't do something stupid, just for revenge, that you'll regret later. And don't even think too seriously about getting yourself a lover. If you want to get things to work, the last thing you need is a complication like that.

 

Do whatever you can to recover your self-esteem. New clothes, a diet, new friends. Oh, it helps a lot to have some 3rd person to talk to at times, someone who knows all of the story, someone that preferably won't judge neither you nor him (and preferably female in your case too). Just talking with someone listening can help redimension the probems. You're not looking for advice in this case, just someone that can help you organise your own ideas.

 

At times, especially at the beginning, the loneliness can be the worst. You can't talk to your husband at times, you feel like you've been stabbed in the back by him. You can't talk to just anyone, it's not something you can talk about. Find a good friend for those times, now, before you really feel the need. Because you will.

 

Best of luck, I know how you feel, I've been there.

[peanut15]

I agree with mscolly. You need to do things for yourself to get your self-esteem back. You have built a relationship with your bf for too long to just throw it away. When I found my husband had an affair, I started talking to friends and going out with them. It wasn't a way for me to forget about what had happened but rather to get out and just do things for myself. When you are in a relationship for so long, it just doesn't become about you but rather "us". When your partner betrays you, you feel lost, alone and afraid because you feel that "us" isn't there anymore and that was what was holding you together because frankly that was your identity. Doing things for yourself does help but of course it doesn't solve the problem of his unfaithfulness.

 

I went out with my best friend and we went to dinner with NO men, went to the spa and got pampered (with their $ of course) and did girl stuff. It felt good and I'm glad I did that for myself.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater is NOT true. If you guys can work it out then that would be great. 6 years is too much just to throw away. At least if you try, you know that you put your best effort into it. The ball is in your court.

[sidiot]

I have to face that nothing will solve that problem of his unfaithfulness. No matter how much he tries to make up for it is always there. Some people seem to be able to just say its over if someone is unfaithful even if they have been together for a long time. I think that is the right thing to do as that person has chosen someone else over you while still with you!!!!! Never mind the fact that she could have got pregnant or a disease or god knows what else. I don't know why I can't give him up right now, I guess I really do love him but deep down I really think this unforgiveable. Thats why I am stuck.

[shes2smart]

Some people seem to be able to just say its over if someone is unfaithful even if they have been together for a long time.

 

In your heart, you may know it is over. In reality leaving is a process that can take time. You have suffered a loss and you need to grieve. When this happened to me, it took a good 6 to 8 months before it was well and truly severed. First, I moved out, but kept seeing him and "working on the relationship" and just naturally drifted further and further apart until it was final when I stumbled accross solid proof he was - and had always been - "on the hunt".

 

If I had it to do over again, I would've just cut it off when I moved out. But the way it came down, I have no regrets, no "what-if's" and I have never looked back. I know I did everything I possibly could to make it work and it didn't, so I never had to go through the "wanting the ex back" stuff some people do. Even if he would come back now and say he'd completely changed, I wouldn't consider it for a second.

 

I put up with a lot of sh*t, but when I'm done, I'm done. You will find your own way, sidiot, it might just take some time.

 

best of luck to you,

~s2s

[Cecelius]

I've done bad stuff in my time, and my opinion is that if a person can cheat, it is probably because of some maladjustment of some kind in their brain. People who are emotionally healthy just don't do that kind of thing: if they are unhappy in a relationship, they break up.

 

So to me, you can only be sure that it won't happen again if his brain has been fixed. In my opinion, that's a lot of faith to have in someone's mental health. Plus you have to get over the fact that he already did it for a long time.

 

So I say dump him now, but that's just me.