When is it OK to throw in the towel? And which towel?

[SomeDumbGuy]

Long story, not quite sure what to do, and I need some advice, opinions, even some beratement. Anything. I haven't opened to anyone so...

 

Got engaged to a great gal, then lost her to the wedding fiasco. For the entire engagement, our relationship was non-existent. For 1 whole year, the wedding was all that happened. Nothing that I said, thought, or did mattered during this planning period. I lost the woman I loved because I gave her exactly what she wanted...the ring.

 

4 or 5 months into this fiasco, I confided in a friend that was having a similiar issue. SHE (yes, she) was engaged and didn't want to be. Her fiancee was GROOMZILLA, and she didn't know how to break it off.

 

Of course the shared problem led to shared interests and mutual attraction. Being engaged, this was not easy to deal with, but I kept my hands off....

 

Until we both started having big problems in the relationships.

 

We got together and kissed, and I felt SO GUILTY...it was terrible. Great kiss, but so terrible.

 

This led to more than a casual relationship, and the wedding plans went on. I backed as far away from the wedding as I could. My job is very busy, so this was not difficult. I just immersed myself in my work. Escapism at it's best, I know.

 

I thought that it would just end, but it didn't. Neither of them. As terrible as things got, she (my fiancee) did not want to postpone, call off, nothing.

 

So I kept seeing this woman, and the day crept closer and closer. We grew very close, and grew to love each other so much. We shared things from our past that were so similiar that nobody ever understood before. It was great. We were open and honest with each other.

 

She broke it off with her guy. She wanted me to do the same with my gal.

 

But it was too close to the wedding. There was now too much in place, and my fiancee was too into it to stop. All of the signs were there, I was dragging my feet, I wasn't participating in ANY part of the planning. I don't know what stopping it at that time would have done to her. I sought advice, and what I got was get married, and hopefully it will work itself out.

 

It didn't. The other girl didn't take going through with it well, but she stayed on. She STAYED! I still can't believe it.

 

And we're still seeing each other. And it's terrible. She knows everything, knows about my wife, there are none of these twofold secrets. She just wants me to leave her and be done with it so that we can give things a try without the BS.

 

And sometimes I want to so badly. But on the days that I don't want to, I feel so badly for the woman that is my wife. Such guilt. What will it do to her, to know that I'm leaving for someone else? Sh's a GREAT WOMAN, my wife, and doesn't deserve this.

 

The other woman (not my wife) is a great person, really loves me for ME, knows all my secrets, shortcomings, etc...but I'm just so scared. What if my wife doesn't recover? What if she can't take it? What if I can't get over the guilt and it ends up ruining the second relationship? She's not unstable (my wife), but what would this do to her? Should I leave citing IRRECONCIBABLE DIFFERENCES, or should I come clean and face the music? I'm not afraid of her knowing, or of what would happen to ME, I'm afraid of that person thinking "MY GOD, I was left for someone else, what did I do wrong?". She didn't do anything WRONG, my boy-girl lego just CLICKED with this other girl and now I'm faced with....this dread. Would it be better for her to know, or would it be better if she never knew?

 

Or should I just stay and end things with this other girl? Face the fact that I made a decision to be married, and stay married? I really love my wife, really, believe it or not (hard to, considering, I know), but we could have a happy life. It's now 6 months into it, and we have no children nor plans for any. I couldn't do that to any child. It happened to me.

 

So come at me with your worst. I'm deserving of all of it, but all I need is some good advice. I'll take the rants, the lectures, the SHAME ON YOU, but in the end, what's best here? I love both of these women, and the better relationship is definitely going to be with the woman that is not my wife, but staying with my wife would not be terrible. She's a good person, very loving, just not the WOW, the OOMF, the .... well, the IT.

 

Maybe I should just leave them both and count myself a cursed bastard? I feel like I've earned that.

 

Thnaks for listening, even if you ostracize me.

[squarepeg]

I read your story. I have been in a situation myself where i have cheated, and it took a very long time for me to work up the nerve to do what is right. I believe you also know what is right, in your heart, but you also know it is a terrible and difficult path. When you feel the strength to face that choice, you will make it, or forever live in guilt.

 

I could say well leave your wife and go with the woman that accepts your faults and left her man for you, but there is something that is keeping you in your current situation that only you know, or can find out about yourself. Maybe you feel comfortable in having your cake and eating it too. Maybe you feel a desire to hurt your wife, deep down inside, and hope she finds out. Maybe you love them both, and can somehow make both women happy. But, dishonesty will lead to a terrible end, if your secret is found out. The best bet would be to find that courage inside of you and do what you know in your heart is best.

 

Good luck.

[peanut15]

I have to say this....

 

ARE YOU MY HUSBAND????

[Celadon]

SomeDumbGuy,

 

Jeez louise, whatta situation you're in. I would berate you, but your life sounds like enough torture as is.

 

As you must already know, there's a lot of spinelessness going on here. Unfortunately, guy, most of it is yours. You couldn't stop the wedding??? Even though you were having an affair??? Oops, sorry, I said I wouldn't berate. I am rather dumbfounded, though.

 

And you kept going with this girl, who pursued you even though she knew you were engaged, then married? Yikes. She neither respected you nor your wife/fiancee.

 

I actually think you might have a chance at a happy marriage with your wife if you stayed, given your tendency towards -- how shall I say it -- accommodating women's wishes.

 

However, is staying with your wife in the long-run even a possibility at this point? You have two options: tell her or don't tell her.

 

Option 1: Would your wife forgive you and would you even have a chance at a happy marriage with her if she knew the truth?

 

Option 2: If you chose your wife, would your mistress get mad and then expose you to your wife? (Now see Option 1)

 

Whether or not you choose to be honest about your mistakes is up to you. Sometimes we need to take the hard but righteous path in order to feel truly free.

 

I know, some people will say you shouldn't tell your wife because it would hurt her. But if you don't come clean, will this little secret nag you for the rest of your life? There will always be the possibility that she'll find out and then how will she feel?

 

I can't tell you how to weigh your options. Like squarepeg said, only you know where your heart lies. You do have my sympathies, though. I hope you take action, and take it soon. Peace.

[justagirl20f]

I think the first mistake was marrying a woman you were able to cheat on. But anyway, if you feel you are in love with this other woman then by all means break it off with your wife. BEFORE there are kids. BEFORE her heart is more into it.

 

The fact is, if I were your wife I'd rather you break it off with me and let me move on than be in such a deceitful relationship. Not to mention the fact that you probably have unprotected sex and the safety would be a concern for me (rest assured that if she isn't already, this other woman will start to see someone else if it becomes apparent you're not leaving your wife... And then technically you're in bed with everyone she's in bed with).

 

Trust me, you could be the best guy in the world but if she's a healthy woman she will get over you. ESPECIALLY once she realizes what you've done to her.

[bexcelant]

Look don't fault the other woman for pursuing the man she loves. He doesn't have a ring on his finger and he's not married. If he married and keeps seeing the other woman..then it's a problem. She while single can do what she wants to break this man from the engagement that she knows he doesn't really want to do. And also the groom if he feels this way shouldn't waste time and break off the engagement and go with the woman he loves. Forget the obligation and pissing the fiance off. Follow your heart and your gut.

[SomeDumbGuy]

Thanks for the insights guys/gals. I hadn't considered some of the things that were brought up. Like the fact that she never respected me nor my fiancee/wife. That really hit me hard. It made me reconsider a lot of things.

 

So, even though there is a lot of OOOMF in being with thie other gal, and there are a lot of things in common, I really love my wife. Also, in the past few weeks, what I had lost her to when we got engaged (see original post) is coming back. That really makes me feel awful. So I've decided to take some action.

 

I am going to suck up and deal with the hurt that comes from it, and it will take a while for that hurt to go away, but I'm going to get myself out of this affair. Completely.

 

And I think the only right thing to do is to come clean to my wife, and take whatever comes my way. It's not right for her not to know, and if we can get over this together, we can probably take each other through anything that life has to offer. If we don't get through it, my god, that would be such a tragedy, but not an undeserved one.

 

Some people I've talked to about this, though, think that telling her is selfish, and that if I want to keep things going I should end the affair and not tell the wife. My problem, my error, my secret. While I agree with some of that, if she ever found out from someone that was NOT me, I think it would just be unfair.

 

So I think I have to come clean in person, myself, and take what I'm due. Anyone have any opinion as to whether this is a good idea? I can't take this anymore. Either way, the affair is over. It's not fair to anyone.

 

Thanks guys. Just to write that out feels better.

[hurtabandoned]

Some people I've talked to about this, though, think that telling her is selfish, and that if I want to keep things going I should end the affair and not tell the wife. My problem, my error, my secret. While I agree with some of that, if she ever found out from someone that was NOT me, I think it would just be unfair.

I think that those that have advised you to keep quiet about it have it backwards. What would be selfish would be to deny her the choice if she wants to continue this marriage or not. She has the right to choose. It would also be selfish on your part to sweep it under the rug and not have to deal with the consequences.

 

True, this will hurt her. But you are right about one thing, if she finds out later through someone else that will be worse. A few months ago my husband cheated on me. I wish that he had broke it off and told me, that would have been easier to deal with than finding out on my own. Even though it hurt me deeply to know that he did this, I would much rather know than be in the dark.

 

You are doing the right thing by telling your wife. I'm also glad to hear that you ended the affair. Remember, having any contact with this other woman at all (sorry, can't remain friends) will be a roadblock between you and your wife.

[Celadon]

Hi Guy,

 

Thanks for updating us on your situation. It sounds like you have set your mind on a new course and are on your way now. I applaud you for getting up the courage to reclaim your integrity. We all make mistakes in life, big and small. The way out of them is through them. Take aim, and get moving. We can't change yesterday; we can only take responsibility for it.

 

I'm glad you are ending the affair and that the spark is coming back to your marriage. Tell your wife often how you feel about her, or find other ways to show her you love her. (Every woman receives love differently, after all).

 

When you do come clean to your wife, I hope she will be understanding. You sound like your heart's in the right place. Peace and courage to you. Post again if you need to.

[SomeDumbGuy]

So I've broken it off officially with this other girl. I haven't told my wife yet, but I'm working up to it. Lately we've been rediscovering each other, and she's really happy about it. Glowing, actually. I hadn't realized how much she was affected by my...indifference, I guess.

 

She actually got very emotional the other day and said that she's so happy that things are better between us. They're not perfect, but I am consciously trying to spend time with her, and less time at work, and we're sharing stories again the way that we used to, before our engagement.

 

During this emotional episode, she said that she feels like I love her again, and kindof collapsed into my arms. IT was really truly incredible. Of course, inevitably, this sparked such a horrendous rain of GUILT inside of me, but that's my problem, and I'm dealing with it. I now feel worse than ever for what I've done, and have made a promise to myself that I'm going to make up for what has happened, but more than that, what HASN'T been happening (in our marriage).

 

Now that she's so happy, and things are on track, I still desperately want to confide in her about what a JERK I was and how much the whole situation has made me realize that she means to me....I hope it doesn't destroy everything that's coming back now.

 

About the other girl: maybe it's just pride (probably it is) but she's taking kindof an apathetic stance on the whole issue. I told her it's never going to work out, given the way that it started and the way that things have become, and she gave me an "Oh well." Makes me feel stupid that I commited this at all.

 

Anyway, thats my story so far. Thanks for listening. Advice is apprecaited.

[Celadon]

Hey Guy, I'm so glad to hear how love is blossoming again between you and your wife. Getting a second chance is such a gift of grace.

 

AS to the other woman, I suppose her reaction is better than crying and hysteria. If, as you said, it's her pride that's making her seem ambivalent, perhaps we can hope that her pride will also take her swiftly and permanently out of your life. That, too, would be grace.

 

Steady onward! And may you have strength rooted in love as you and your wife face the future...

[mscolly]

I do hope that you tell your wife what happened. Don't put it off too long, it'll get harder to find the courage.

 

I think you can already see why you must tell her. We're talking companionship here. You have a big secret in your heart that your wife is currently locked out of. She'll see there's something, she'll feel that something is wrong. Not today, not tomorrow, but eventually she will. What sort of companion will you be if one of the most important events in your life is locked away from her.

 

Be prepared for pain. Be prepared for her wanting to go. But one of the strongest arguments you have is that your love for her is so valuable to you that you felt the risk of telling her was worth the reward of purifying this love. She won't understand at first, it will go over her head, but she will see eventually that even though you hurt her, this love is so important to you that you were willing to risk all to make it even better, by telling her.

 

The same thing happened to me 8 months ago, and only now can I start to really appreciate what a risk my wife took in telling me about her affair, how easy it would have been to tell me nothing, but that it would have meant continuing the double life even after the adultery had finished.

 

You owe this to your wife and to your marriage, to cleanse it of the last trace of this adultery. If she's happy now, in 6 months time she'll be 10 times happier, and you will be too.

[London Uk]

I am sorry, but I have to disagree with the view that you should tell your wife.

 

I have a now ageing post on here about an affair that I discovered my wife was having and in turn I reacted by having a relationship with a work colleague which went on for some 18 months.

 

I am glad that sense prevailed, I came to my senses and I stopped seeing the other woman. My original post goes on forever if you want to see just what trouble may be there for you around the corner.

 

Having gone through all of the turmoil of the last two years both myself and my wife firmly agree that some things are better off not coming out into the open. I am not condoning what you have done and certainly do not support guys that see playing around as a way of life, it is just if you have learnt from what has happened (and believe me, if your resolve weakens and you end up seeing the other woman again, you have nothing but a whole load of heartache waiting for you around the corner) then some things are better off staying in the past.

 

Should you reveal all to your wife, it will serve no other purpose than to relieve yourself of the guilt and fear that it may haunt you in the future. If you love and value the relationship that you are working on with your wife then say not a word.

 

I know a lot of people out there will view this advice as inherently dishonest, but from personal experience, I would much rather not have known about the affair my wife had (which I know had ended by the time I inststed on challenging her and proving a point) than deal with the pain and situation it partly caused.

 

The other issue is do you actually want to be with your wife? I know what you are saying about how much you now realise you love her but hey, you two have only been married for a couple of months. Sometimes people have affairs just so they get found out and the decision to end their marriage is made for them by the hurt spouse. It is sometimes the case that the third party is just a means for this to be done.

 

At the end of the day, you can ask for all the advice in the world about which person to choose, but it never helps when you know deep down the only person thta can make the decision is you.

 

I had pretty much the same advice almost two years ago. I am very glad now that I stayed.

 

Best of luck.

 

The following may well give you the reassurance that you are really not alone out there.

 

link removed

[Boiling Point]

Don't reveal it to her, that is no need, it will only hurt the relationship. From now you just need to treat her well and give her your best and don't repeat such mistake.

[sym666]

...and don't repeat such mistake.

 

If it was...

[SomeDumbGuy]

Thanks for letting me get my thoughts and feelings out here, guys and gals. Your advice has been comforting when I felt I didn't deserve any comfort at all.

 

The latest is ... after calling it off with the "other" woman, and giving everything I have to my wife, things were going GREAT. I WAS dragging my feet on telling my wife about my infidelity, and it was to the point that I thought about not telling her at all; the hurt might be too much to get over, not sure how our relationship would be after I told, etc...everything that was already mentioned in the forum. And true to one post, the longer I waited, the easier it was to keep waiting and NOT tell.

 

Bad move, really.

 

So things were running smoothly, all was happy, everything was great, and then my wife threw me a surprise birthday party.

 

All of my friends were there, all of my family, her family, cousins, EVERYONE.

 

As I walked into the party and was greeted by cheers, the guilt of what I had been doing washed over me like so much lava down a mountain. My shock was taken for surprise at the party, so nobody really blinked that I was having an ALMOST breakdown on the spot.

 

But I was. It was terrible. What should have been the most happy moment in MONTHS was nothing but guilt.

 

So I went through the motions of the part, numb, and several days later left my wife.

 

I told her that I needed to take some time off to clear my head, and that I felt too guilty after the party. Exact words were "I can't let you do things like that wonderful party for me when I'm NOT SURE if I want to be married. It's just not fair". If she only knew the REAL truth.

 

So I stayed with a close friend for a few days, and tried to screw my head back on straight. My wife was very upset, and I called her a few times to check on her. Before Word got back to this other woman that I had "taken off", however, I let her know how it really was. She has a whole network of spies that checked in on my life regularly, and I wanted her to hear it from me.

 

She was happy, if you can believe it. I saw her and told her what happened and why. I told her that I felt too guilty over the party after what had happened, and that I was figuring out my life. I also told her in NO uncertain terms, "I did this for me, NOT for you, so don't misunderstand my actions."

 

She did, though.

 

And a week later when I went back home with my head supposedly on straight, she called me...and called me...and called me.

 

She called SCREAMING at me telling me "How could I go back after being away for just a few days? I'm calling her and telling her EVERYTHING."

 

And she tried to do just that. I was at home, and the phone started ringing from her number. Then my wifes cell phone. Then my cell phone. Over and over, more than 15 times in a row on each number.

 

Panicked, I took my wife out and told her EVERYTHING.

 

And suddenly it was all clear to her. Why I was reluctant to get married in the 1st place, an explanation for the distance, for the late nights at work, for having to take time off after the most beautiful surprise party. I was really, truly sorry for everything that had happened, and I told her EVERYTHING. I told her she can ask me anything she wanted about it, and she did, painfully, but I answered. It was terrible, but it was out, and I felt like it was the right thing to be doing.

 

In the days and weeks that followed, my wife and I not only grew close again, but we actually started up a completely new relationship. I really couldn't wait to see her, every day, but different than it was when we first met. When we held each other it was just perfect. Of course there were emotional outbursts that followed, and prying questions, and mistrust, but I expected that, and told her that I will do everything to fix it. And so far, we are. And so far, we're happier, I think, that we were before this was a problem. And what's more, we're actually COMMUNICATING the things that bother us about each other when they bother us, and not saving them up.

 

So it may not be a happy ending, but it's certainly a new beginning. I hope that it stays this way. I'm going to give everything i can to make it stay this way.

 

So, just wanted to post an update. with it's ups and downs, life can throw some crazy things at you. Thanks.

[bellaBH]

i am really happy for you. Your wife must REALLY love you, I hope you realise that. Please, please treat her with the respect she deserves. Do NOT repeat your mistake. I guess your were put in this situation to realise what kind of woman your wife is. I hope you are a changed man. This could have ended a lot worse. AIDS is very real and very out there.

[arwen]

WOW. I think you did the right thing by 1. breaking it off with the other girl 2. leaving the wife when it was too difficult 3. and most of all, telling her the truth in the end.

 

I hope that you learned from this episode in your life and that you will maintain a happy relationship with your wife. She deserves to be loved, after what she has put up with. You have a strong woman on your hands, be proud of that and don't let her go if things get rocky again. You know that if you can survive this, you can survive anything without having the need to escape in an affair with another person.

 

Make 2005 a happy love-year!

 

Ilse.

[Celadon]

In-CREDible, SomeDumbGuy. You are so amazingly fortunate that your wife gave you a second chance. I am just speechless at how wonderful she is, to have that reservoir of love and forgiveness in her after being - let's face it - betrayed.

 

I commend you for coming clean - it was clearly a very challenging situation, but you got up the courage to own up to your behavior. In the end, I suppose, that's all we can do - take responsibility for ourselves and hope for the best.

 

I wish you and your wife much much happiness, and honest communication always. Cheers to you two.

[Scout]

You have GOT to keep us posted on this situation. Please!!

[cleverme123]

Quite frankly, you decided to get married. You had the opportunity to call of the wedding you didn't so I think it's time you face the music and end the thing on the side. More importantly I think you should come clean to your wife and tell her why and how things came to be. It is incredibly difficult to be in this situation. I have been left for someone returning to their former wife, and also left someone for someone else.

 

The point is that your vision is clouded when you are involved with more than one person. You have all these great things going on with two incredibly different people and what you don't get from one makes it so easy to get from the other basically making the relationship easy to deal with and very comfortable to fall into.

 

If you love your wife that is where you should be trying to make things work. You had a shot with this other person but for one reason or another it didn't happen. You decided to get married and you chose at that point one over the other. The hard part is that now you need to make it physically happen by cutting the other woman loose.

[SomeDumbGuy]

Some of you guys are replying as if you haven't read the entire thread ... THE TRUTH IS OUT, and I'm dealing with the repercussions.

 

Things are pointing in the direction of happy ending, though not without the expected healthy dose of mistrust. I of course have to work very hard to prove that I'm not just trying to wiggle out of the guilt, and there are times when we get into spats about what happened ... this is no fairy tale, this is real life after all, and my wife treats it like that. We've agreed not to try and FORGET this, but rather to put it behind us and learn about each other from it.

 

Also, after this situation, I'm conscious on a new level (and with a new sensitivity) about infidelity, and it's prevalence. For example, I went with my wife to see a movie that we thought was going to be a feelgood movie. When the inevitable infidelity showed up, however, and she started getting choked up in the theatre, I just felt like CRAP all over again. But that made me think....my god, just about EVERY movie that you SEE has this kindof thing in it; how many people go on lying and lying and lying? If the theatre (and the news) are any indication, the righteous are heading toward a serous minority, if they aren't there already.

 

In the end, we're happier with each other than without each other, even after what happened. It's like the subject of so many lyin' cheatin' songs that you hear...you can't believe that they stayed together after all that they are singing about until you're in a situtation like that yourself.

 

Thanks for all your comments, they really have helped. I'm not sure that I would have actually gone through with telling all without having read the opinions on the board ... when you're wrapped up in so much deceit, it's easy to lie even to yourself about what the right thing to do is.

[duchesstigerlily]

This is to SomeDumbGuy:

 

I recently found myself in your wife's position....I found out my bf had cheated on me for a slightly extended period of time about 6 months ago when our relationship was really, really bad. I've had lots of people (mostly on forums) say I shouldnt have stayed with him or asked why I stayed with him. Its interesting because I always said I wouldnt ever stay in a relationship if I found out that cheating had taken place...but its different when you're inlove with someone and have been through a lot with them just to let them go (easier to stay in my situation because the other person was long gone and had been for 6 months plus the state of our relationship at the time).

 

My BF (now fiance) have been working on this and discussing it over and over and over again and healing is actually taking place. I think I would actually have been throwing something *away* by leaving him without really knowing what had happened and tried to make it work. Certainly, there are some situations where it cant be worked out (or if the guy or girl is a serial cheater) but every situation is individual and nothing is ever black and white.

 

Good luck with your situation and I commend you for telling your wife and trying to work through it with her. I've found that our relationship is stronger now then ever and we actually fight less then we ever did. Sometimes people really need a wake-up call.

[cleverme123]

I am glad everything worked out for you!