Reconciliation: Can the break up even be a good thing in the end?!

[Destiny2112]

I'm just wondering, is it sometimes actually a good thing that it came to the break up? (I'm not talking about abusive or other unhealthy relationships like that).

 

I mean, do you think it can be a good thing, in a way that you are able to learn precious lessons for life and about yourself, your own mistakes and mistakes that were made during the relationship (being too clingy, too jealous, taking your ex for granted, etc.)? To become a better person and partner, IF your ex returns (and if not, then for a new partner)?

 

Could it sometimes even be the only chance for a long lasting relationship, in a sense of "we only truly appreciate something, when it's gone"? So we can understand, what we truly want from relationships and parnters, by taking (enough) time apart to grow as a person?

 

 

Is it sometimes even a good thing that you and/ or your ex find someone new, in order for you to realize what you lost, to see, how good or bad your previous relationship with your ex truly was? Or to realize that your ex wasn't that great and that there is someone much more suitable out there for you?

 

Or do you think, "what belongs to the past, shall stay in the past", "It's called break up, because it's broken", or "the break up happened for a reason"??

 

 

What do you think, any experiences? Please disucss

[LN1987]

I don't know about reconciliation but so far I already have learnt so much about my own behaviour from my break up. I have learnt so much about the dynamics of relationships that I had never really looked into before.

 

As for reconciliation... I would like to think so, but then again by the time it comes to that I assume we would be such different people anyway. Regardless though I will have learnt a lot about myself that I was not learning whilst in the relationship.

[Robin2904]

I think it's a great point to raise. Every situation is different, and its not to say that everyone is going to find their way back together, but I think it definitly can be a good thing.

 

I feel like for me I learned A LOT with my failed relationship and everything that came with it- I'm still learning every day. Whether or not there is a future with my ex I feel like these were things I had to learn. It's called life for a reason- every experience we go through we learn from (Hopefully lol). For me this was my first very serious relationship- I learned many things about myself, what to do, what not to do, the good and the bad. It was a hard lesson to learn, but necessary. I don't think we will have another go around, but at least I learned these things and hopefully they will help me in future relationships.

 

For some people I do believe that you can have a 'Don't know what you have until it's gone' experience, and may even come out better in the end. I wouldn't wait around for my ex to realize that though, but it happens. I feel like you have to grow apart first, loose it all and then there is a possibility for reconnecting in the future. I've heard of it happening, but again not something to sit around and wait for. The old 'If you love something let it go' comes to mind. There is always the possibility of that happening, life is funny like that.

[flnazrael]

I went through absolutely intense pain over an 8 month relationship. Somewhere in the back of my mind it occurred to me that I shouldn't be this upset over it, and I also knew in the back of my mind that the relationship was unhealthy and we had fought a lot - though there was a lot of passion, and the "good times" were incredible.

 

So I stopped asking questions about why she wanted out, and started asking questions about why I had ever stayed in. Then I realized that all my significant relationships had been like that. And it is kind of blowing the lid off real problems that I've had for years, and am only now understanding.

 

I know one thing - whether I ever get back with my ex or not, I needed to uncover these problems within myself to make any relationship work in the future. And the breakup was the catalyst for that.

[Inquirer89]

I think reconciling is a possibility in this situation. People make mistakes, we are not perfect. If somebody were to dump somebody while seeing two different people and thought they made the right choice but later realize it's not going to work and they made a mistake, and go back to the other person, I don't see anything wrong with that. Sometimes people will date or get to know two different people but have to make a choice, whether it be right or wrong, and should that decision go awry I think they should have the chance to feel like they messed up and the dumpee should have the character to think, "ok, he/she made a mistake and want to try things out again, and I should at least give them that chance because we're only human, and it's a sign of character to give second chances." I believe I'm in the current state of the don't know what they had til it was gone type of situation, so I'm taking it a day at a time, keeping hope but not keeping my hopes up completely and keeping a rational mind without letting emotions cloud my thinking while still showing emotion. It's a long story but I'm hoping things work out in the end.

 

I also think that sometimes finding somebody new for temporary and realizing what the person gave up could be a good thing for a relationship. Because then you kind of gotten a backseat view without emotions clouding thinking to really appreciate what they had/have, because many people can take somebody for granted. I think in the cases that somebody comes running back is the classic lightbulb going off response to the..OMG! I gave him/her up? I'm such an idiot, I gotta try and reconcile and see what happens thought process.

[LaceWing]

I think it depends on the people....people can physically break up but still want to be with each other in their hearts. In that case, then a true break up never really happened in my mind, it is simply a "break" a chance for healing and reflection on both sides. A chance for both people to really look at themselves, improve and grow and see what the other person means to them and what they want with that person.

 

Dating or getting involved with someone else in the meantime...well...personally I wait a good while to get over the last person before I even contemplate that, but like a lot of things, I guess there is opportunity there as well. If you realise you feel empty with the new person, and your ex is the one you feel good with...that can be a wake-up call.

 

Humans can be rash, emotional and blind when it comes to affairs of the heart. And most people don't learn lessons until they are forced to, so a "break-up" can be a good way of giving someone the kick in the ass they need to see what they have available to them. So when reconciliation happens....things can get properly worked out since both people will have hopefully used that "break" effectively to see their own faults and have worked on them, returning with a better, more loving and more understanding attitude.

[jooj]

Yes I do believe that break ups teach us a lot of lessons in life that prepare us for out next relationship whether it is with the same person again or with someone else. After me and my ex broke up 3 months ago I spent most of my time analyzing our relationship to try to figure out what went wrong. I do realize what my mistakes where and I am determined not to repeat them again in my next relationship. Also after being in the pain of a break up I became a stronger woman who realizes my value and worth so that if I dont get the love and respect that I deserve in my future relationships I am not afraid to break up and I will not be willing to settle for less than what I deserve.

[NCforME]

Yes, most LTR break up in the power struggle phase. If we don't learn how to deal with this and improve out communication then we will always be breaking up in power struggle.

[Carus]

I'm gonna go with yes as well....

 

I've been through quite a few serious BU's as the dumpee and it was only after this last most devastating one that I was able to work out a lot of the reasons why.

 

They all ended in a similar fashion too with another guy arriving on the scene.

 

If I didn't learn these lessons now then I believe I would probably keep repeating the same patterns therefore getting the same results*

do you think, "what belongs to the past, shall stay in the past", "It's called break up, because it's broken", or "the break up happened for a reason"??

Well reconcilliations happen, it's a fact, and some of them do work out....This is one of those things that would be a case-by-case subject.

 

Personally if by some miracle one of ex's did try to re-enter my life, I would have to assess it at the time, if I'm single, if they're serious and would treat it like I would any other new RS...(even though we know it's not).

 

One thing I would have trouble dealing with is the fact that, if they can run off with another guy once, I'd definitely be running the risk of that happening again...although maybe they'd learnt some lessons as well*

 

Always good to 'see' you Destiny* Hope you're doing well....

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[endy]

The answers to the question above are absolutely it can be a great thing. Life is what we make it. It's what we believe inside. It's how we view ourselves and how we think. We attract what thoughts we give off. This last break up is the best thing that could ever happen in my life. I began to take time for myself, a lot of time. A lot of deep looking and insight into who I am. I got me back in short. I got back to me. The happy person that loves himself again. I noticed a pattern in my relationships and the people I attracted. I noticed why I was attracting these people. In short I didn't believe in myself, so I was attracting people that were messed up also. People that had major issues.

 

I realized I was codependant, I had an abandonment issue etc. I realized that I would never be in a successful relationship until all of this is fixed. A breakup IS a great time to work on yourself. It's a time for healing. It's a time for growth. That's why I'm seriously against going back and reconciling right away. You are slapping that opportunity in its face... Hard.

 

The easy thing to do to stop the pain is to run back, to get them back. It's just a want and a desire. People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. I know if my ex comes back, and I really think for some odd reason she will... I don't want her back anymore. I deserve better. I got back my confidence, my self worth, everything. It grew because I realized what I was doing. How I was doubting myself. We will never have anything in life that we can't wrap our mind around. We will never be successful or have a thriving relationship if we don't love ourselves first.

 

This is a great time to get back to that point. When you are hurt, when you are down, if you can pick yourself up you become stronger. You become stronger ten fold. It's a time to start loving yourself again. It's a time to know you and what you really want. True happiness comes from within. We don't really NEED anyone else to have this happiness. All we need is to love ourselves. That's the message I try to preach on here. Breaking up is a painful process. You've been abandoned by the person your love the most. The way you learn to deal with that pain and suffering, or any suffering is important to your life, and your relationships.

 

You come back to yourself and embrace it. You take care of that pain and suffering. You grow from it in that way. Not only does that teach you how to deal with anger, and other feelings... your relationships in the future will benefit from it because you know how to deal with it correctly from now on. There's a lot more to this, but in short, yes it is absolutely a good thing. You learn to have compassion for other people. with compassion comes understanding, insight, and then love.

 

From a spiritual standpoint you have a path... Everything happens for an exact reason. That pattern usually continues until we change our way of thinking or our beliefs in ourselves. We were all put here to learn lessons. Some people learn them, and some people are just ignorant and need to learn the same lesson over and over. They dismiss a breakup as the other person has issues etc. OR it wasn't me it's them. It just wasn't meant to be. You're meant to learn something from each and every person you meet in life IMO. Even if that learning is about yourself and self reflection.

 

This is a good thread and a question that I've been wanting to see for a long time. I don't believe in all cases it's wrong to go back to an ex, but the timing, and where you're mental state is... Is way more important than having a thriving relationship. If we can be happy loving ourselves first, that is the time to get back into a relationship again. After looking deeply and figuring out why things happen, why we are the way we are, our shortcomings, accepting ourselves for who we are, and ultimately loving just yourself. That is the time to do that. When both people do that... reconciliation can be a successful and beautiful thing. It just takes time, and yes... Love is patient.

[perio]

I went through the pain if my wife having an affair. I never got the chance to "fall out of love" with her. So when I discovered it, I still wanted to work things out. I learned through reading and counseling that even in situations like that, two people can come back together and have an even better relationship with better intimacy , self knowledge, and skills to offer. Although its possible, that path is a narrow one, and the exception rather than the rule.

I guess anything is possible. My girlfriend now and I have had two small "breaks". We started dating last fall. We have very good communication. I learned so much during ny breakup with my wife that I'm sure my current relationship is much better for it.

 

I don't think breakup are necessary but I know they can sure be.a source of growth if the person takes a good look themselves.

[mistojen]

To the OP, I'm starting to think that my ex is in that boat. He has explicitly stated, actually, that maybe we could get back together once we mature. Personally, I know where I'm at and I don't think I need any maturing as far as relationships go. I know what I want and I'm not asking a lot. I want to eventually become married and have at least one child. I'm neither controlling nor jealous. To be perfectly honest, the thing I loved the most about our relationship when we were in it was that both of us were completely comfortable with one another's personal socialization choices and he wouldn't complain if I wanted to do something without him...and I extended him (frequently) the exact same courtesy.

 

He, on the other hand, is already married (physically separated for over two years but neither of them has the money or inclination to drag the other through court for something official at the moment, mostly for the sake of not having to go through custody proceedings) and he's already got a child. I believe that his failed marriage and the fact that he has to share custody with her (we had custody 5 days a week for four months and every other week for two months and now suddenly he's only able to see his child every other weekend) has negatively colored his views on relationships as a whole. He wanted the same thing I do, once upon a time, he said, but now that he's already got a broken family, he's afraid of repeating that mistake. I think it makes him too afraid to trust and try again with someone else. His stated reason for our breakup was that having a title on it makes him feel uncomfortable and trapped, like he doesn't have the freedom to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. This was untrue in our case because, while I'm a homebody, I let him have free reign on my vehicle to go out whenever he wanted whether I decided I wanted to go with him or not. I didn't care if he stayed out all night, because I knew (and still know) that he wasn't cheating on me; I trusted because I knew that he was with his guy buddies just outside of town and he was staying the night because I know those guys and when he hangs out with them, they tend to drink a lot when they're jamming and he was choosing to be responsible by not driving under the influence.

 

All of that said, he's moved out and he's even unhappier now than he was when he was in the relationship. He has all the freedom in the world and yet he is still texting me to hang out. We still do; I'm comfortable with this because I am over the breakup in and of itself and enjoy being his friend. He tells me he misses me and wishes we could work; he tells me he wants to get back together with me when we (read: HE) can get our heads straight. He tells me he still loves me very much and he invites me to visit with him & his son even when he only gets to see the child once every week or two. I'm still a very big part of his life. We have very open communication and when asked if he's sleeping with other women, he stated he's not and he doesn't want to. He only wants to have sex with me, if he's going to have sex at all, he's said and I've learned how to read his eyes over this past year, so when he says it to my face, I know that he means it. So really, the only things that have changed since he left is that he doesn't live under the same roof and he seldom sees his child because I'm not living with him while unemployed allowing me the ability to be a stay-at-home mother.

 

I, on the other hand, am of the persuasion that it's called a breakup because it's broken. If everything was still good between us and we were both in a happy place in life while in our relationship, he would not have left. The fact that he felt trapped in a relationship in which he was not only allowed (for lack of better phrasing) but encouraged to go hang out with his friends even when I didn't want to go along says an awful lot about his personal headspace, so even if we weren't "broken," something was and that is why we're no longer together.

 

I know what I want out of life and he knows what he doesn't want. Unfortunately, they happen to be the same thing. If he decided that he had it in him and genuinely wanted to attempt marriage again in the future and genuinely wanted to have another child, then I would be completely open to a reconciliation. So, what I think I'm saying, in short, is that feeling this:

 

Or do you think, "what belongs to the past, shall stay in the past", "It's called break up, because it's broken", or "the break up happened for a reason"??

 

is not mutually exclusive, if you know what I mean? Just thought I would drop in my two cents, since you asked for discussion

[Destiny2112]

Thanks to everyone for your input!

 

I have had this question in my head for quite a while already and I'm glad about your answers!

 

I agree, I have matured a lot and learned soo much about myself due to the break up in the past few months. And although I realized, didn't make any huge mistakes (at least in my eyes) during our relationship, I definitely know what I will do differently in my next relationship the future.

 

It's really interesting to see your different opinions on this subject! The most common response I see on this forum is mostly "I would never ever get back with someone who left for someone else". When I was still very hurt after the break up and angry at my ex, I was thinking the same. But like stated above, we are only humans and people don't always behave the right way and sometimes act selfishly and do what feels right for them at the moment and yes, sometimes people may make the wrong choices. But isn't it that we learn the most by making mistakes?! And doesn't real love also mean forgiving? Trying to understand your ex's point of view as wel?!

 

I do agree that sometimes two people truly are incompatible and it's better if they stay apart. But every situation, the circumstances, the feelings and the people involved are different. I for one don't find it that bad to consider a second chance if you grew as persons and don't jump right back in the old relationship and repeat the same mistakes again. If the chance for reconciliation ever occurs is a different story though. But what we make out if would be up to us... it really depends on the timing, on whether we are single and how we feel about our ex's.

 

Of course, I can understand those people, too, who don't want to look back, who want to leave the past in the past. I can understand that you don't want to run the risk of being hurt again, of being left for someone else again, since it happened once and you don't have any guarantee it won't happen again. Sometimes that may be the "wiser" choice, I guess.

 

Like endy said (your post is great as usual ), I do think reconciliations can be a good thing and by having spent enough time apart and by having done enough self- reflection, the bond may become even stronger and the relationship even better than the first time around. Both people must be willing to take the effort though to make it work, to work on rebuilding trust again. Although I have the feeling that, many people prefer the "easier" way out, by jsut moving and finding someone new (but that is their good right, too, we can't force anyone to come back in our lives, if it's not what they truly want). But if real love was involved, I do believe those feelings of love don't disappear that easily - if ever at all- no matter how much time you spend apart....although they may be very well covered by the feelings for someone else... but yes, love is patient!

 

Keep on posting ,please! And thanks again for your input so far!!! ;-)

[lemsip]

Great stuff

[italiannmf24]

Of course break-ups or "breaks" can be a good thing!

 

Many relationships have grown due to either short or long-term breaks from one another; it's a good thing if both parties utilize it correctly.

[Danmasta]

I think break ups are good, because failure is the best way to learn something. All the great innovators of the world have one thing in common, they have failed many times before they succeeded. You learn a lot about yourself, and the other person. A break up can show you what they're made of and give you the opportunity to improve. So you can think of things a new way, and maybe you will get it right next time.

 

I personally would not get back in a relationship or become romantic with any of my exes except for one. And even then it's doubtful. There are just too many things that could get in the way, and I have really high respect for relationships in general, if someone * * * * s on it once with me, then I am likely to never give it a second thought. I am good friends with some of my exes, but I would never date them again.

[Oneironaut]

Yes, I believe breakups can actually be beneficial for the relationship.

 

My boyfriend and I were together for a year and a half when he broke up with me last August. Things had been getting pretty horrible between us towards the end, and we were both miserable. I tried to stay friends with him for the next 5 months, but finally went NC at the beginning of this year, and started actively working to get over him.

 

Six weeks into my NC, he contacted me and three days after that, he asked if I wanted to get back together. We spent many hours that day hashing out everything that had gone wrong between us, asking every question we could think of, and at the end of it all, we agreed to start fresh and leave the past in the past.

 

That was 6 months ago this coming Saturday, and we are happier now than we ever were before. So yes, I think our BU was actually good for us.

[Eocsor]

They can be good, they can be bad. They're just like any other life event. it's what you make of them. If you're talking about good in the sense that you learn from it, take those lessons and reconcile with your ex, well that would be good, but that rarely happens. most often you apply the lessons learned in your nerxt relationship.

[paradiselost]

As someone remarked before you can break up physically but not in your heart and still want the person which is the hardest part.

 

Regards reconciliation yes I totally believe it can happen - however in my eyes I am not sure if it is possible if after the breakup one of the partners has been physically intimate with another person.

 

I know that since they are broken up they owe nothing in that respect but physical intimacy is a huge barrier to break and once broken it will always be a wedge in that relationship knowing someone had sex with someone else in between your make up.

 

I would like to know what others think of this - in my heart I think if someone has been physically intimate since with another person I cant see how you can believe that that person loved you so deeply as not even be able to hold back. I imagine that yes you make up but that thought would be always at the back of your mind and something you can never get rid of.

 

I am curious to know what everyone thinks about the reality of reconciling fully (i.e. long term) if you know the partner who kept professing love and wanting to be back with you got physically intimate with another person.

 

Thanks

[Ciom]

I'm having a problem with that right now. My ex dumped me almost a month and a half ago. I immediately went NC but now where back in contact and where going out tonight. But last weekend I went to a party with a good friend of mine and there I met a nice girl. We had a great connection. Last sunday I went to her place and we had a great time which ended in us kissing each other. I know she wants more but I'm holding back because I don't want to rush into a new relationship especially with me having contact with my ex again.

[Etijor]

What was the reason that yuou felt from within you caused the other guy to arrive on the scene?

[WeightOffChest]

I'd like to think that the breakup turned out to be the best possible outcome - because otherwise, what was the point of all that pain and suffering? At the very least, it benefits yourself depending on how healthily you deal with it. Even if the reconciliation doesn't work out in the long-run, it still at least takes the relationship to another level.

 

Right now, my ex and I are in the process of working things out for a reconciliation. By its emotional nature, the breakup has made everything a little more meaningful. While the sparks are flying again, it's not the same kind of love as when we first were interested and attracted to each other. This time, when we express our feelings to each other, it has much more impact than before because of the hardship we went through. Talks are a little more meaningful, finding time to see each other is more meaningful, physical affection is more meaningful. It's because we know what we've lost that we're able to appreciate what we have.

 

I had a thought to ask couples that have been together for the long haul, to see how close they were to losing each other. I'd bet the results would be surprising how many successful relationships needed to go through the dangers of ending it.

[mhowe]

I agree with WOC --- and am a little farther down the reconciliation curve. We now talk more about the relationship than before, we are more cognizant of the love and attraction, and I think that both of us realize that it isn't something to be taken for granted. Not that we did --- but knowing that it could have been over and we have put in the effort to renew it makes it all the more precious, I guess.

[Etijor]

A breakup is always beneficial.

 

Not for reconciliation, but just for life. People don't break up for no reason, be it that are incompatible or they fight alot or one party made alot of mistakes. There are things to be learnt from all of the above. So for whatever reason the relationship doesn't workout you pick yourself up, identify the reasons and move on.

 

This will be useful for both reconciliation and for future relationships.