Why do you want children??

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree but you know what assume does. If it wasn't something that happened frequently it wouldn't bother me - for some reason now that L and I are past our 1 year mark I have not heard one person say 'you are getting married too quickly, odd - and if someone were to say anything now I would just be like meh. But it's the frequency that it happens that makes it a sore point for me.

 

I think people CAN but again, it has to be something life altering. You have to be anti religion and then almost die and suddenly realize you believe in religion IMO. I just think if you flip flop or give room to flip flop too much, no one is held accountable. 'Yeah I felt that way 45 seconds ago but now I don't.' kind of thing.

 

I don't consider it normal though - the people around me do. I don't think there is any 'normal'. Is there a certain type that most people follow? yeah, sure, but there are those who fall on either side of that as well. But I do agree it's the people around me's views. I am from a small town and that could be a factor of how they view the different age brackets.

 

It would be. It's not even that I like to be alone, I just like a lot of me time away from adults who don't have the same view as me. L is the same as me, he would rather stay in and he does go out occasionally to the pub with friends or to a BBQ but it's not often. We can be in a room and not have to be doing something or talking and it's great.

[Seraphim]

Lost,

 

I agree, perspectives change as you get older and become more experienced with the world, at least for some people. I know I am not the same person overall that I was at 20. I am not entirely different, but I do see things differently than I did then. I see the nuances and shades of grey and that life is not linear but more sideways etc etc. Some of my emotional and mental characteristics have changed, but I am still recognizable as me.

[lostnscared]

I do wonder why certain people really want children, as opposed to other who can "wait" or who don't have that same desire. For instance my boyfriend had a VERY strong wanting children even when he was 19/20. He had always grown up around kids, and loved kids. He was the type of person that people could call to babysit their kids. He was good at changing diapers, feeding, putting to sleep, disciplining, etc. Kids love him. He always talked about wanting to settle down and have kids--even more so than I did. I had found it odd simply because I fell into the thinking that most young man don't want that--but I now wonder if it's just something that is inside certain individuals--the strong urge to procreate and make babies?

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes, my mother brought me up too with the idea that education was vital and critical. I know I would NEVER have been allowed not to have an education. That is something my mother demanded and it was not negotiable, or leave her house and make your own life at 18 if you were not going to school. My clock has been ticking away for me since I was about 14 or so. It is a long time to hear it. I know what you mean because I still hear it even though now it is just a source of annoyance.( but that could be my miscarriage talking. I am not sure I am done dealing with that.)

 

I think our parents expectations play a role in when we want kids as well. Although I was told I was walking accross my graduation stage come H or high water, going to college wasn't something my parents strived for me to do. My dad never graduated high school (my mom did) but she always wanted to be a mom herself so college was never in her life goal. I have a deep passion for history and would love to maybe teach it one day but going to college was like me mindlessly doing things until I could have a baby, you know? L has a slightly different view on it. He didn't go to Uni because of a certain reason and I think he regrest it at times (even though he is doing VERY well for a 26 year old with no degree) and we have always discussed we will support our kids in whatever they want - even outlandish dreams like a professional footballer - but still instill in them they need to have a backup plan (aka, schooling).

[Seraphim]

I do wonder why certain people really want children, as opposed to other who can "wait" or who don't have that same desire. For instance my boyfriend had a VERY strong wanting children even when he was 19/20. He had always grown up around kids, and loved kids. He was the type of person that people could call to babysit their kids. He was good at changing diapers, feeding, putting to sleep, disciplining, etc. Kids love him. He always talked about wanting to settle down and have kids--even more so than I did. I had found it odd simply because I fell into the thinking that most young man don't want that--but I now wonder if it's just something that is inside certain individuals--the strong urge to procreate and make babies?

 

Yes, I think it is individual. I was and still am like your bf.........lol.

[OptomisticGirl]

I do wonder why certain people really want children, as opposed to other who can "wait" or who don't have that same desire. For instance my boyfriend had a VERY strong wanting children even when he was 19/20. He had always grown up around kids, and loved kids. He was the type of person that people could call to babysit their kids. He was good at changing diapers, feeding, putting to sleep, disciplining, etc. Kids love him. He always talked about wanting to settle down and have kids--even more so than I did. I had found it odd simply because I fell into the thinking that most young man don't want that--but I now wonder if it's just something that is inside certain individuals--the strong urge to procreate and make babies?

 

That's the age old question. I can remember being 6 and playing house. I wasn't juse the wife, I actually had a pillow shoved up under my shirt to be a baby. Had some screws lose then apparently, lol. I think if you are or aren't around kids growing up plays a part in it too. My best friend was never around kids growing up and until she had her daughter, NEVER held a baby, had no desire to. She became a mom and she's one of the best I have ever seen. I have been around kids my whole life, baby sat and what not, and it has never stalled that desire to be a mom.

[lostnscared]

Yeah I can understand that. Back when I had first gotten serious with my boyfriend, I had SO many people tell me that I was too young to get so serious. It was annoying, because I felt almost as if they were trying to tell me something was wrong with me or that it would fail. So I get you on that one.

 

I know people who stopped being as religious not because of something life altering necessarily but because as they got older they started to "question" things OR felt that God wasn't really there for them and so on. For instance my bf grew up in the church and his whole family is very churchy, but he stopped going a couple of years ago because his own beliefs about God and so on started to change. I also know a guy who was a sworn atheist, who then become a christian once he got married, years later. Again nothing too life-altering, just that he met someone that opened his perspective about his views on God and so on.

 

When I talk about core beliefs--I'm talking about overall values and how much weight we put into them, and what we feel is important at the time. For instance what was important to me at 20, is not important to me now at 24. That is what I'm saying. I do believe that we are who we are--and that even though we change, the very basis of who we are doesn't, but I do believe that values can definitely change, and even perspectives on things like money, religion, etc.

[Seraphim]

In my house education was never a question of if that is for sure. My father left home and supported himself since he was 15, so he never finished HS. My mother did. However they both valued education very much and were very well read and my mother did amazingly well in business with nothing other than her own intelligence and drive and was the CEO of a company by the time she was in her 30's. People in her mother's family were all teachers and intellectuals and classically educated and that is what she wanted for her kids. So my brother and I were university bound and she actually physically dragged me down under protest, but I very much thank her now.

[lostnscared]

Yes, I think it is individual. I was and still am like your bf.........lol.

 

I'm not. I love kids, but I don't like the responsibilities of them. I'm more of I like their innocence, and playing, and holding them, and whatnot. So it kind makes me wonder if I was in fantasy land when I was imagining being a mom. LOL. I have only changed like one diaper in my life, so will see how I do with that!!!!!

 

I've noticed that people with "caretaker" sort of personalities tend to be those that have the strong desire to have children. My boyfriend has a caretaker personality--he always takes care of people and whatnot, and I think has more of a maternal instinct then me lol.

[OptomisticGirl]

Exactly, that's how I feel. It's like your being made out to be an alien even though you are only doing or voicing what you feel is right.

 

I agree that what is important changes, I have a friend's teenage daughter on my facebook and her posts are filled with loving her boyfriend (this is her 3rd one in a month) and going to the football game. I remember when that was important to me or how stupid, silly things amused me as a teenager and now I find it boring. And I know what I find amusing now will change as I get older and older, it's the natural aspect of life. But my beliefs and what I believe in, haven't. They could, not ruling it out, but it has to take something very strong to change someone's beliefs I believe. BE that a near death experience or someone coming into their life.

[OptomisticGirl]

In my house education was never a question of if that is for sure. My father left home and supported himself since he was 15, so he never finished HS. My mother did. However they both valued education very much and were very well read and my mother did amazingly well in business with nothing other than her own intelligence and drive and was the CEO of a company by the time she was in her 30's. People in her mother's family were all teachers and intellectuals and classically educated and that is what she wanted for her kids. So my brother and I were university bound and she actually physically dragged me down under protest, but I very much thank her now.

 

Yeah, it just wasn't like that in my house. Oh, I was dragged down the high school graduatino stage. If I hadn't done that yikes! And my mom's only wish was I not walk accross the stage pregnant or married, which I managed. lol

[Seraphim]

I'm not. I love kids, but I don't like the responsibilities of them. I'm more of I like their innocence, and playing, and holding them, and whatnot. So it kind makes me wonder if I was in fantasy land when I was imagining being a mom. LOL. I have only changed like one diaper in my life, so will see how I do with that!!!!!

 

I've noticed that people with "caretaker" sort of personalities tend to be those that have the strong desire to have children. My boyfriend has a caretaker personality--he always takes care of people and whatnot, and I think has more of a maternal instinct then me lol.

 

Yes, I am very much a "care taker" as you put it. I have been my entire life since I can ever remember.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm not. I love kids, but I don't like the responsibilities of them. I'm more of I like their innocence, and playing, and holding them, and whatnot. So it kind makes me wonder if I was in fantasy land when I was imagining being a mom. LOL. I have only changed like one diaper in my life, so will see how I do with that!!!!!

 

I've noticed that people with "caretaker" sort of personalities tend to be those that have the strong desire to have children. My boyfriend has a caretaker personality--he always takes care of people and whatnot, and I think has more of a maternal instinct then me lol.

 

So you have Aunt syndrome? You like to play and giggle with them but be able to hand them right back?

[lostnscared]

In my house education was never a question of if that is for sure. My father left home and supported himself since he was 15, so he never finished HS. My mother did. However they both valued education very much and were very well read and my mother did amazingly well in business with nothing other than her own intelligence and drive and was the CEO of a company by the time she was in her 30's. People in her mother's family were all teachers and intellectuals and classically educated and that is what she wanted for her kids. So my brother and I were university bound and she actually physically dragged me down under protest, but I very much thank her now.

 

Same here. My parents made it known when we were like 5 that we HAD to go college, no "if's and but's" about it. I remember not even wanting to go just to make them mad, but I'm glad I went to--if not just for the career aspect, but just for the experience it itself. Both my parents are educated. My mom has like three degrees, and my dad has two. My sister went to Harvard for undergrad and now is in lawschool at UVA, and I have another sister that goes to Northwestern--so not only is college important but going to a GOOD college is important as well.

My boyfriend's parents both went to college, but did not complete it. And ironically my boyfriend went to college and just did two years. He is in the trades, so I suppose it wouldn't have mattered anyway, but I do think that sometimes he would like to go back and try something different.

[lostnscared]

So you have Aunt syndrome? You like to play and giggle with them but be able to hand them right back?

 

Yeah--I do, lol. I'm the same with my mom's dog. Me and him will play and have fun together for hours, and I'll give him his dog walks when I feel like it, but when it comes to feeding him, and HAVING to take him out for the walk or anything like that I just sort of have my mom do it. It's funny because me and my boyfriend used to babysit our Godkids together, and I made him do everything--change diapers, pick them up when they cried, feed them, etc. I even left for classes all day and let him do it all. But I had no issue having fun with them and playing with them. I think it's going to be a HUGE adjustment for me come September. He already knows that he will be getting up at night and doing a majority of the feeding--he even jokes about it lol.

[OptomisticGirl]

lol - it's goign to be an adjustment but you will be fine. I love my nephew and taking care of him but there are times - like when I have worked all day and I come home and he's screaming his head off- that I could coo at him and hand him right back because, well, I'm his aunt. I'm suppose to do that - not put up with the screaming.

[Seraphim]

I did want to go but I was at a stage in my life from about 18-22 where I had massive chip on my shoulder, and you can't tell me what to do syndrome and ran away twice and what have you.........lol.......so she just dragged me down there and said, " you are going if I have to kill you"........lol. You did not stare down my mother...... She could strike you dead with one look.

[OptomisticGirl]

I did want to go but I was at a stage in my life from about 18-22 where I had massive chip on my shoulder, and you can't tell me what to do syndrome and ran away twice and what have you.........lol.......so she just dragged me down there and said, " you are going if I have to kill you"........lol. You did not stare down my mother...... She could strike you dead with one look.

 

My mom did the count thing. She never had to get past 1 with us kids. We were scared for her to get pass 2!

[Seraphim]

Yeah, my mom did not hit but she did the counting and you KNEW the look, when it meant you should run for your life.........lol.(because the look would scare you to death) I respected my mother that is for sure and she did not even have to lift a finger.

[OptomisticGirl]

She still gives me that look at 23, hahaha. Vic, do you think your relationship with your mom played a role in your desire to have kids? I don't think it's the only reason I want to have kids (obviously) but I have always looked at how my mom raised me and I think she was a wonderful mother. Worked 2 jobs and raised 3 little kids and didn't have help from anyone, and I think in a small way that did play in my desire - or my continued - desire to have kids.

[Seraphim]

She still gives me that look at 23, hahaha. Vic, do you think your relationship with your mom played a role in your desire to have kids? I don't think it's the only reason I want to have kids (obviously) but I have always looked at how my mom raised me and I think she was a wonderful mother. Worked 2 jobs and raised 3 little kids and didn't have help from anyone, and I think in a small way that did play in my desire - or my continued - desire to have kids.

 

I think so. Both my mother and my grandmother (her mother)LOVED babies. I was raised by my grandmother for a year when I was a baby as well, from age 1 to 2.(my parents separated when I was a year old and I was sent to live with my mother's parents) Pretty much every woman in my mother's family that I know has been very very maternal,except for one, and she is adopted, so that could explain why she is different.

[lostnscared]

I love my mom to death and I look up to her so much, so I do think that has fueled my desire a bit to be a mom like her. I wonder if I had a bad parent if I would still have the same desire to have kids.

[Seraphim]

I love my mom to death and I look up to her so much, so I do think that has fueled my desire a bit to be a mom like her. I wonder if I had a bad parent if I would still have the same desire to have kids.

 

Well, I had a wonderful mother whom is very much my hero, but my dad, very bad bad parenting from him. I still wanted to be a parent though.

[lostnscared]

I think so. Both my mother and my grandmother (her mother)LOVED babies. I was raised by my grandmother for a year when I was a baby as well, from age 1 to 2.(my parents separated when I was a year old and I was sent to live with my mother's parents) Pretty much every woman in my mother's family that I know has been very very maternal,except for one, and she is adopted, so that could explain why she is different.

 

That's very interesting. All the men in my bf's family are maternal LOL--good with kids. My boyfriend and all his brothers are all very good and very nurturing when it comes to kids. Whereas my sisters and I all have "aunt" syndrome. But weird enough my mom was very maternal--she's always been good with kids. She ran a homedaycare when were were babies, was an elementary school teacher up until I was 11, and still to this day she has kids who come up to her and give her hugs all the time--she'll make cookies for the neighborhood boys and give them toy cars. It's funny.

[Seraphim]

That's very interesting. All the men in my bf's family are maternal LOL--good with kids. My boyfriend and all his brothers are all very good and very nurturing when it comes to kids. Whereas my sisters and I all have "aunt" syndrome. But weird enough my mom was very maternal--she's always been good with kids. She ran a homedaycare when were were babies, was an elementary school teacher up until I was 11, and still to this day she has kids who come up to her and give her hugs all the time--she'll make cookies for the neighborhood boys and give them toy cars. It's funny.

 

Yeah, it is funny, my father's family all of them including the women were about as maternal as a stick, but they all had kids, my grandmother had 4, figure that out. She had all her kids out the house by the time they were 15. She wanted no part of child rearing. I always wondered, then why have FOUR of them dimwit?