Had the final sit down - Time for true NC? (rant)

[LTS48]

Hey guys!

 

Well, after all but finishing our financial issues my ex and I sat down to discuss where our relationship was headed after it was all said and done.

 

She went right back to an old boyfriend after we broke up and I finally asked to hear about their relationship. They are talking marriage after 1.5 months (exactly as she did with me) he's been great about her talking to me (exactly what she told another ex about me in the first months) and a million other things that are an exact carbon copy of our first months together. It was almost eerie to be honest. It hurt to hear about this I won't lie. But not as bad as I thought it would.

 

After hearing about that I began my apology. Told her that I was sorry for the way I treated her during my one moment of weakness, and that I was working on not being that person any longer. That no matter what happened between us in the future I would be nothing but thankful for the time we spent together and the lessons I learned from her. This whole time she was looking down at the table. She assumed I was dating, and I said I was but decided to stop to fully commit to working on myself, something that again sent her eyes down to the table.

 

Now for the fun part. She admitted being completely pissed off at me when she saw me for the first time after the breakup. I had started working out again and working on my personal relationships. The physical change was rapid. She spoke of how mad she was at me for changing after we broke up, and that she had to tell herself I must not have cared about her to change this much after she had left. I feel like I did the right thing in responding: I told her that for the first few weeks I wanted her back so badly I would have done anything and what she saw was a result of that. Then, after hearing she had the new boyfriend, I decided to do it for myself instead and quit worrying about her and wish her nothing but happiness. She still can't believe I'm happy for her and her old boyfriend. Its like she still half expects me to come groveling back to her on my knees and fulfill her insecurities. In fact, when she was with me, the ex before me totally let himself go into a downward spiral. I remember being aghast at the endless pleasure she seemed to derive from this. Now it all kind of makes sense. I'm starting grad school at a major university in the fall, I got the body back that drove her wild, I'm building relationships with my family (whom she loved dearly) I spoke about our relationship in the past tense and never once said I wanted her back, only that I valued our time together and that the first step in my forgiving myself for what I let happen to our relationship was being truly happy that she found someone who could give her everything she wants out of life that I could not. Again, her eyes did not leave the table.

 

Irregardless of what happens with her new boyfriend, she did not take the requisite time to deal with our breakup and I think that shows. Why else would somebody get MAD that their ex has improved themselves? I will say that not once did I refer to my work as completed. I was very vocal about it being a work in progress, and that I had a long way to go but that it felt great to be trying.

 

I don't know that I need an answer to any question about her with this thread. I know why she's mad (she feels that she wasn't "good enough" for me to make these changes with her) I know why she's so serious with her old boyfriend (he's comfortable, absolutely not going anywhere, and never left for college.) But I will go ahead and ask this for you enotalone people out there:

 

When an ex so obviously wants to see you cowering in a corner, a total mess without her, that she gets MAD when you aren't doing these things, is that as sure a sign as anything that there can be no relationship whatsoever with the person and it is time for full-on NC?

 

Thanks for reading!

[charity]

sounds good and yeah it probably is time to go NC for your own sake, just to remove any feelings of hope. you sound strong now and that is good. good for you that you made those changes. she is probably upset because possibly she wouldn't have left if those changes had been made earlier on?? i don't know your story so i could be wrong.

[LTS48]

If it isn't too hopeful of a statement to make on my part, I think her being unable to look at me while I spoke of the things I was trying to change and how thankful I was for her being the catalyst of said changes means you're right charity. That's kind of where my question is rooted. The resentment over my change will always be there no matter what happens in the future. That resentment will make any type of friendship impossible.

[Gymboy]

Sounds like you dodged a bullet tbh and she sounds like she needs a relationship to be happy. That's no way to live. You need to he happy just being alone then when you get into a relationship it has better stability than if you were depending on someone else for happiness. The new guy can't be up to much either, he must know she's on the rebound so he must be pretty thick/desperate to be with her right now.

[charity]

yeah you may be right. were you going to attempt friendship with her? i think she saw from talking to you ,that after the breakup you did all the right things and she did all the easy things.

[LTS48]

I definitely didn't do all of the RIGHT things (one major freakout like 2-3 weeks afterwards.) But I was trying to be friends yes, we had spoken like normal for weeks. But even last night she said she still expected me to freak out on her at any moment. She said all she could think about were the last 2-3 months when she was miserable, that she couldn't remember any of the time before that. Rather than get upset I simply said that was a funny coincidence because I have almost no memories from the final 2-3 (I really don't) and that I think of the rest of our relationship when I think of her. That being reminded of her simply makes me smile and feel good that shes happy. I told her that I hoped she could feel that way about me someday, but if she couldn't that was fine.

[LTS48]

Gymboy, you're right. She does. Its sad...She once told me that if I had not have discussed moving in/marriage after 2 months she would not have stayed with me as it would have been wasting time. That's why her old ex makes so much sense. They were together for so long that it really isn't like starting over. I think you are absolutely right. I know I will hurt again sometime over her, but for right now? I am happy I dodged this bullet.

[mhowe]

She sounds like she not only needs a relationship to feel complete, but she needs whomever she leaves in her wake to implode without her. I think your health and improvements (mental and physical) are driving her crazy, and that your future will brighter without her.

[LTS48]

I know I am better off without her. That doesn't change the fact that I kind of wanted a friendship with her for some odd reason. I mean come on, she replaced me in a week or two lol. It just strikes me as being kind of sad that she can't be happy to see me bettering myself when I am so obviously (and truthfully) happy to see her wind up with the man who is probably the love of her life.