I can't take this much longer

[AutumnBorn]

Let me get this straight. You're not officially a couple and you miss him. But you still see each other, hang out, kiss each other, and sometimes have sex. I thought you said you'd broken up. I'm confused - sounds like you've simply gone from relationship to dating. What's wrong with dating?

 

The way to fix your self-image is to use affirmations. You've got negative self-talk programmed in. It takes a minimum of 30 days to change the self-talk. Concentrate on the positive, write it out and repeat what you write aloud (uses two areas of the brain for added "stick"). Affirmations should be short, positively framed, and ring true.

[apple89]

it is true when everyone says NC is the best thing to do, however the best NC is when you really want to heal and you are done feeling sorry for yourself.. and then thats when NC really starts making sense, it will happen eventually.. just try your hardest and don't be stupid like me to be so hurt that i couldn't handle it any longer

[endy]

it is true when everyone says NC is the best thing to do, however the best NC is when you really want to heal and you are done feeling sorry for yourself.. and then thats when NC really starts making sense, it will happen eventually.. just try your hardest and don't be stupid like me to be so hurt that i couldn't handle it any longer

 

 

I'm not sure that NC is the best choice in this situation. It's been a long road for them. I think the chances they get back together are pretty good, once she works on what she needs to, or at least starts. THAT is coming from a NC advocate btw.

[Tired Tiger]

I'm not sure that NC is the best choice in this situation. It's been a long road for them. I think the chances they get back together are pretty good, once she works on what she needs to, or at least starts.

 

Let me alter that just a little... the chances will be best if they both work on their individual issues.

[endy]

Let me alter that just a little... the chances will be best if they both work on their individual issues.

 

Agreed, but looking at the length of the relationship, I think if they do the right things it can work as long as they both start That's VERY rare for me to say.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Let me get this straight. You're not officially a couple and you miss him. But you still see each other, hang out, kiss each other, and sometimes have sex. I thought you said you'd broken up. I'm confused - sounds like you've simply gone from relationship to dating. What's wrong with dating?

 

The way to fix your self-image is to use affirmations. You've got negative self-talk programmed in. It takes a minimum of 30 days to change the self-talk. Concentrate on the positive, write it out and repeat what you write aloud (uses two areas of the brain for added "stick"). Affirmations should be short, positively framed, and ring true.

 

He says we're just friends. It's as though he's trying to force himself to stop feeling for me. I wish he would put that energy into fixing our problems as well as his own. If at any point he should decide to start seeing someone else he's free to do so. Even if we were actually "dating" (which we're not, its just a very confusing breakup with a lot of feelings left) its still a demotion I wouldn't be ok with. I'll try the affirmations.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Agreed, but looking at the length of the relationship, I think if they do the right things it can work as long as they both start That's VERY rare for me to say.

 

Endy, your positivity about my relationship is really refreshing. At least someone thinks its possible (even I don't really believe it will happen anymore). So thanks for that shred of hope. Along with all the other advice you've given me.

 

And yes, as TT knows from my bombarding his inbox awhile back, the ex has turned to drinking a lot since the breakup. He has issues to sort out too. I know this sounds and probably is naive, but I feel like many (not all) of our problems would work themselves out if I worked on myself and we got back together. I feel like his depression and drinking wouldn't be much of an issue, since it wasn't really bad when we were together. Who knows.

[CMS]

Drinking is a phase, a coping mechanism (a bad one) that a lot of people use to deal with loss. I drank heavily for the first 2 weeks of my breakup (average a handle of whiskey every 3 - 4 days) before I realized there is no use drowning my sorrow in booze, and especially since it was not working (my mind would be sharp and aware but my body feels sick). So I stopped that after that and yes its just a phase, it will be over eventually.

 

You see you can work out your part of the problem, but he needs to do the same too in order for you 2 to have a successful reconciliation (that wont lead to another breakup quickly down the line). I have no clue how to make him work on his issues, he needs to come to that conclusion himself.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Drinking is a phase, a coping mechanism (a bad one) that a lot of people use to deal with loss. I drank heavily for the first 2 weeks of my breakup (average a handle of whiskey every 3 - 4 days) before I realized there is no use drowning my sorrow in booze, and especially since it was not working (my mind would be sharp and aware but my body feels sick). So I stopped that after that and yes its just a phase, it will be over eventually.

 

You see you can work out your part of the problem, but he needs to do the same too in order for you 2 to have a successful reconciliation (that wont lead to another breakup quickly down the line). I have no clue how to make him work on his issues, he needs to come to that conclusion himself.

 

He's been drinking to get drunk for 4 months straight. He drinks alone usually, too. Which on the one hand I'm glad he's not getting drunk and kissing girls anymore but on the other hand, feels like a more serious problem. He's had battles with alcohol for the last 4 years (since his brother died) but it was never a long term thing and mostly used to cope around anniversaries relating to his brother. He knows he has a problem. He used to look to me to help him when he was getting too deep in his drinking. Now since the breakup he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm afraid as long as he's keeping it to himself, he'll never get help.

 

When it got so bad that he started drinking at work (during the breakup) some coworkers that he's friends with let him have it and since it wasn't JUST me telling him, he really saw that he had a problem for a little while. But I'm pretty sure he's back to drinking again.

 

He said to me not too long ago "I'm gonna stop drinking...by myself...during the day" How sad. He can't even commit to it within 5 seconds of saying it.

[endy]

This is an issue, but you've had contact with him. It doesn't mean that you can't speak to him with love and decrease his suffering just because you aren't together. It's been a long relationship. He will listen most likely. I think the more I read this, the more that yes, he needs to also realize he needs to work on himself. Two people both should be mentally healthy to be in any relationship.

[Glowguy]

The fact that you two still love each other after 10 years says a lot. I think that's extremely rare. I have no advice to offer you since I've never even come close to what you had and I can't even imagine how it would feel. I really hope it works out for the both of you. I think you both have a lot of co-dependency issues (which is understandable considering your age at the start of the relationship). Perhaps if you work on that, you'll start to feel a bit better.

[JerkBrokeMe]

The fact that you two still love each other after 10 years says a lot. I think that's extremely rare. I have no advice to offer you since I've never even come close to what you had and I can't even imagine how it would feel. I really hope it works out for the both of you. I think you both have a lot of co-dependency issues (which is understandable considering your age at the start of the relationship). Perhaps if you work on that, you'll start to feel a bit better.

 

Thanks for your very kind words. And yes i agree with the co-dependency. I'm workin on it.

[JerkBrokeMe]

He is so back and fourth and frustrating. On the phone with him yesterday I told him I missed him (meaning the "old" him and the way things used to be with us) he said he missed me too. I asked him what he missed about me (we almost never talk like this, by the way. He won't allow it). He said "sleeping next to you." I told him how much I missed that too and it was funny he chose that specific thing because its been on my mind lately. The night before my birthday, the whole time we've been together, he's always slept over and at midnight on the dot sang happy birthday to me. I told him about all that and he said "I know, but I can't sleep with you. I don't want to lead you on. Friends don't sleep together."

 

First of all, I wasn't asking, I was just telling him it was sad that this was going to be the first year that didn't occur. But second of all, last time I checked friends don't have a whole bunch of sex, kiss on the lips, tell eachother they're in love with eachother, and oh yeah TAKE NAPS TOGETHER WHILE HOLDING EACHOTHER 2 WEEKS AGO, also known as, SLEEPING TOGETHER. I chose not to say anything of this. I just said "yeah." I've become so stepford since he broke up with me.

 

I asked him if I could tell him what I missed and he said no, he couldn't talk about this anymore (see? he can't talk about anything relationshippy, even if we're being pleasant). =/ It wasn't even a mushy one. I wanted to tell him how I missed when he'd come home from work, every single day, saying "Hey Baby!!" So happy to see me, it was infectious. I don't think he ever called me my real name during our whole relationship. I was always baby. He doesn't really call me anything now, but has a couple of times called me by my name. It feels gross. The first time he did it I got annoyed and said "don't call me that" which is kind of funny looking back.

 

Feelin sad again today. I know, I know. Detach myself from the situation. I'm trying. ](*,)

[Glowguy]

Keep your chin up. I think you're doing really well given the circumstances. You must really feel like a fish out of water since the BU. Give yourself some time and I think you'll start to let go bit by bit. When he senses that maybe he will come back to you but don't assume that he will. I think he needs some space since he isn't open to discussing the relationship yet. As hard as it is, I think you should consider withdrawing your support and let him truly realize what things are like without you.

 

I don't think he ever called me my real name during our whole relationship. I was always baby. He doesn't really call me anything now, but has a couple of times called me by my name. It feels gross. The first time he did it I got annoyed and said "don't call me that" which is kind of funny looking back.

 

I wonder how common this is because it was exactly the same with my ex. I remember actually being hurt when she called me by my name after the BU. It was so weird. She would slip up and call me babe by mistake too and that hurt even worse. I also felt uncomfortable calling her by name. It felt like talking to a stranger.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Thanks for the support, Glowguy. Yeah, he's slipped up a couple of times too and tries to keep talking like it didn't happen. Nope, not while I'm around. I taunt him about it. "You called me baby. You loooove me." I'm a pain in the asss.

[SethSLC]

Happiness is infectious. If you can be playful and a little flirty while staying happy when around him you're doing it right. Do that without any expectations and I have a feeling things will work out just fine for you.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Happiness is infectious. If you can be playful and a little flirty while staying happy when around him you're doing it right. Do that without any expectations and I have a feeling things will work out just fine for you.

 

Thank you. It's very comforting to hear because in my head it feels like it will never happen. We have so much fun but still, nothing comes of it. The not having expectations is where I guess I fall short. We're definitely playful and flirty. Obnoxiously so even. Tonight I threw a bag of dog poop at his head after we walked my dog, we had a slapping contest (i won but my ears are still ringing) and then he took me out to a nice dinner. Ah, courting.