I can't take this much longer

[JerkBrokeMe]

I haven't made a post on here in a long time but its one of those days where I feel like I can't even breathe anymore. Yesterday marked 4 months since my 9+ year relationship ended. I can't believe the breakup has lasted this long (we've never broken up before). This may sound really stupid and trivial but in Oct we would have been celebrating 10 years together. I've looked forward to that milestone for about 5 years, when I realized we're really in this for the long haul (or so I thought..). I started dating him when I was 16, the odds weren't exactly stacked in my favor. The realization that we probably won't get there is enough to make me sick.

 

I felt like this relationship was the only successful thing I'd ever done in my life. And I failed.

 

Everyone here tells me to stop being in contact with him. Some with more understanding and logic behind their advice than others. And I try to listen. I want to listen. But I can't. My best friend...my only friend still wants to be around me and I can't help it. I saw him Saturday and Sunday and we had sex both times (something we hadn't done since MUCH earlier on in the breakup). I don't know why I did it. I don't know why he did it. He's not a jerk (despite my poor choice of username, I think he's a lovely person) or using me. He really does try to resist those kinds of things but it just happened.

 

He hasn't dated anyone in these last 4 months. He hasn't had any kind of sex with anyone. He kissed one girl when he was very drunk about 2 weeks after the breakup when he was still on his dumpers high (lasted about 6 weeks). He never spoke to her again afterwards. He's good looking and outgoing and I know before me he hooked up with lots of random girls. Its easy for him. Why has he chosen not to? Around 6 weeks after the breakup he stopped hanging out or speaking to ANYBODY other than me.

 

He admits to being very depressed. He didn't leave the house on his birthday. I was the only person who he sort of let celebrate it with him (dinner the night before). He deleted his fb and had his cell phone shut off (I'm the only one who knows his land line number) so no one else would contact him. One day last week when he was supposed to drop by and give me some money he owes me, he never showed. I called him over and over and didn't hear back until 3 hours later. He was hysterically crying. I asked what happened and he said "my life!" and a bunch of other stuff that I couldn't understand because he was crying so hard. When I told him how it upsets/worries me that he's just going to ditch me like that and not even let me know that he won't be showing up he said "listen, I never intentionally not talk to you. Why would I avoid a beautiful girl whose funny, plays guitar and wants to hang out with me" I DON'T GET IT.

 

We still say I love you after most conversations and after we leave seeing eachother. We always kiss hello and goodbye. He rearranged his schedule at work to take me to a minor procedure that I told him I could've gotten someone else to come with me. He insisted on being the one. I DON'T GET IT I DON'T GET IT.

 

I see all these people on here, talking about moving on, say they need to remember who they were before the relationship. Well my life * * * * ing sucked. I was an angry 16 year old who had no friends (by choice..I find it hard to bond with people and would always politely turn down offers to hang out afterschool, have lunch, etc instead of engaging in a vapid friendship). Until him. We had everything in common. We could be so so silly together. We could be deep. Music was our biggest shared passion and he was so proud to tell everybody he had a girlfriend who played guitar and didn't play like a girl.

 

I miss my best friend. My only friend. Since the breakup coworkers have been inviting me to do stuff and I find myself with the same responses I gave in HS. I just don't want to be around people unless I know its going to be meaningful. I can't help it. I realize its a flaw. But when I try, I genuinly don't enjoy myself.

 

I've toyed with the idea of taking my life since the day he broke up with me but haven't for 2 reasons.

1. I don't want people blaming him for my weakness.

2. I kept holding out hope that if I just gave him a little more time he'd come back.

Then I said to myself, if i'm gonna do it, it should be on my birthday. His brother died a few years ago and every year his birthday and date of death anniversary are horrible for all of us that loved him. I thought if I did it on my birthday, I'd be sparing anyone that cared that extra day. My birthday is approaching in a few weeks. But..He keeps talking about how he's going to take me out on my birthday. He's going to take the day off from work. And I want it so badly..

 

All this sounds so childish and if it was someone elses post, I'd be rolling my eyes.

 

Just venting. It didn't help.

[Hannah help me]

Your practically still dating saying you love each other ,kissing each other, having sex he doesn't talk to anyone but you, you need to tell him you still love him and you want to be with him again, he obviously still adores you xx

[endy]

You need to seriously either lay everything out on the table or move on. I think that you guys BOTH have depression issues from what I've just read. You are using each other for temporary happiness. Real happiness comes from within. We shouldn't need someone else to make us happy.

 

The fact that you have no friends, and he is isolating himself is not healthy behavior. Not healthy at any age. You are putting all your chips on one person for happiness and not yourself. The one real person that should make you happy is YOU. You have spent the majority of your young adult life with this person, and the same with him it appears.

 

This is hard because you have a lot of habit emotions and energies to break here. It's not going to be easy. I think you should probably seek professional help if you are thinking about killing yourself. There's a lot that you need to talk about and figure out. Sex clouds our emotions, it gets us emotionally attached when we have it.

 

I think that he really wants to be with you, but a relationship where both people are depressed is not very healthy. It WILL NOT work. When one person is not happy with themselves they can't make the other person happy. I've been through it first hand. At this point I think that you should probably seek help other than this forum.

 

Also, why would you want to kill yourself? NOBODY is worth taking your life over. I don't care what they do to you. It isn't worth it. There is love for yourself inside of you. We all have it, you just need to find it and embrace it along with all of your other emotions. Positive and negative.

[JerkBrokeMe]

I tried that

 

This was after us visiting my great uncle who is dying of cancer and probably only has a few weeks left. The ex loved him as well so he came with my family to the hospital. He kept squeezing my hand real tight afterwards and wouldn't let go. I had a "lifes too short" feeling and blurted out that I'm still in love with him. He said he was still in love with me too. I asked him if he really meant it because saying it now just so my feelings aren't hurt will hurt me more in the long run. He said he meant it. I said then we should talk about working on getting back together. He said we'd talk about it another time. He's been incapable of talking about the breakup or really any deep emotions since it happened.

 

I think its his depression. I don't even know if he has a real reason to not give it another shot, because he refuses to think or talk about anything painful. It's very frustrating.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Also, We don't spend that much time together. For 9 years it was every day. Now it's usually twice a week. The rest of the time he's alone in his room sleeping. He just wants to be alone and all i want is to be around him. I asked him on 2 separate occasions if he found it coincidental that this deep depression occurred almost right after he broke up with me. The first time he said it might be about the breakup. The second time (when he was already being grouchy and i shouldnt have even brought it up) he said he's been depressed for a long time. Funny, that's not how I remember it. I remember him being outgoing and ridiculous as always until he broke up with me.

[endy]

Read reconciliation and/or anger by thich nhat hahn. Don't worry that he's a buddhist. Read it and you'll be able to get through this if he still loves you.

[athena3]

You sound like you're in pain Breathe deeply and tell yourself that you will be ok no matter what. So life hasn't turned out exactly the way you planned, but it never does, because change is inevitable. You say you're toying with the idea of ending your life, and it scares me to see that the only reasons you are holding on are related to your ex. You can't see that you have more value than whatever worth you had in his eyes. Does not being with him take away from your talent as a guitar player? Was he the only source of happiness in your life? If so, then some work within you needs to be done.

 

I understand it though, you started a relationship with him when you were still in your teens, the time when we were all unsure of ourselves and finding our way with life. You grew with him over the years, and that's honestly hard to come by....but he became a part of your identity, and that is not healthy.

 

To me, I don't think the best route is no contact...you're both really hurting and both in a really bad place. He seems to really need you right now, and you can be there for him if you feel you're strong enough. I know for you two to stay together for so long, especially at that time in your lives that you are supposed to be single and having fun, must mean you both really love each other. But why did the relationship break down? I see here that you two are really dependent on each other, and being each other's only source of happiness will ultimately result in unhappiness. It's true what the other posters are saying, you really have to find yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship with him. And I don't mean get back to who you were when you were 16! 10 years have passed almost, and you are surely a different person now. Find out who you are now, and find contentment in that.

 

Please, trust me on this. In high school, I fell in love for the first time at 17 and we dated for 3 years. When the relationship ended, my world came crashing down. I had built my life around his, built a future for us two, and he was my best and most times, only friend. It's NOT a healthy place to be, though we both loved each other, we were both overall unhappy. There is so much more to life than just a relationship, it took me years to realize this. Now I think I am around the same age you are, and reflecting on these past 10 years, I have changed a lot, and for the better. You will come out of this a better person....and that is the most you can hope for

[JerkBrokeMe]

I'm in therapy. Therapist asked me once if i ever think about killing myself and i said sometimes. He told me that a lot of people use that idea as a comfort. A comfort to know that you have a way out of the pain someday, if necessary. I think that's probably all it is in my case or why would i come up with pathetic reasons to stay around. However, he told me if i ever seriously am planning it to call. Which i doubt id do.

 

I know our behavior is unhealthy. I just am not strong willed enough to cut out the only person I have ever loved. Besides, I doubt i will ever be happy with just me. And honestly, who really is? That would be a person content living in complete solitude. Or a person who can jump from relationship to relationship, friendship to friendship, no problem about it. I know he shouldn't be the ONLY person who makes me happy. I do have family that I'm somewhat close to. But they really play no role in my happiness.

 

I try to get him in therapy. He says he'll go but never makes the call.

[TheJerseyKid]

I know our behavior is unhealthy. I just am not strong willed enough to cut out the only person I have ever loved. Besides, I doubt i will ever be happy with just me. And honestly, who really is? That would be a person content living in complete solitude.

 

You don't get it at all. It's not about living in complete solitude. It's about, being ABLE to be happy on your own. If you can't make yourself happy, then there is no way you can truly make your boyfriend (or ex bf) happy. THAT is why you guys aren't getting back together. You both need to be apart and grow and change, see life without the other person for a while, FIND inner happiness, and use that to possibly reignite the relationship. You're putting duct-tape on a broken window.

[endy]

You don't get it at all. It's not about living in complete solitude. It's about, being ABLE to be happy on your own. If you can't make yourself happy, then there is no way you can truly make your boyfriend (or ex bf) happy. THAT is why you guys aren't getting back together. You both need to be apart and grow and change, see life without the other person for a while, FIND inner happiness, and use that to possibly reignite the relationship. You're putting duct-tape on a broken window.

 

Thanks, Jersey... Yeah that's what I was getting at. You don't KNOW how to be happy by yourself. This NEEDS to happen before ANY relationship will ever work. On BOTH ends. That is what real happiness is. If we look to another for happiness... constantly that's when you get into rebounding, and going from relationship to relationship. I think you need to get into a place where you are happy and content with yourself first. Read some self help and self improvement books. You are obsessing over this person, and in all reality basing your happiness on him. This is not healthy either.

 

We didn't say you need to cut him out, although it's best to work on yourself... It doesn't mean you can't contact him, but having sex and going out is going to complicate your feelings, and in turn your progress. I think this really needs to be done on both ends. It's not healthy period to have ONE person in your life that you love. ONE person that you depend on everything for. You need to be able to depend on yourself.

[tresqua]

He kissed one girl when he was very drunk about 2 weeks after the breakup when he was still on his dumpers high (lasted about 6 weeks).

 

I've read countless relationship books, probably thousands of forum threads, and numerous articles on relationship support sites, and I have never, ever heard the term "dumpers high" which seems to mean that he's feeling really good about ending the relationship.

 

I'll suggest the term doesn't exist and while it's probably easier to be the dumper than the dumpee, usually there's a good amount of pain there as well, including but not limited to feelings of regret, second guessing oneself, and the adjustment to being without a person who was a huge part of your life. Especially following a long term committed relationship when the dumper has not moved on to someone new.

[JerkBrokeMe]

You don't get it at all. It's not about living in complete solitude. It's about, being ABLE to be happy on your own. If you can't make yourself happy, then there is no way you can truly make your boyfriend (or ex bf) happy. THAT is why you guys aren't getting back together. You both need to be apart and grow and change, see life without the other person for a while, FIND inner happiness, and use that to possibly reignite the relationship. You're putting duct-tape on a broken window.

 

I was content being alone before him. He had to chase after me before i gave him a shot. I wasnt dying for a boyfriend. However, having my heart ripped out makes me sad. I don't think I'm alone on that. This forum wouldn't exist. I never said I wasn't TRYING to grow and change. I'm in therapy, started volunteering, started playing guitar with a guy, rescued a dog, read lots of books NOT about getting someone back but about communication and learning to be a better partner for whoever is in my future. Doesn't change the fact that I'm heartbroken, which is what i was venting about. I'm not putting duct tape on anything.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Thanks for your kindness. It was very much needed today.

[JerkBrokeMe]

If we look to another for happiness... constantly that's when you get into rebounding, and going from relationship to relationship. I think you need to get into a place where you are happy and content with yourself first. Read some self help and self improvement books. You are obsessing over this person, and in all reality basing your happiness on him. This is not healthy either.

obviously rebounding is not my problem. 9 years of monogamy. 4 months apart. I get hit on frequently enough and I can't get away fast enough. The thought of someone else makes me sick. Again, i don't know that I'm basing my happiness on him so much as someone that made me very happy is no longer my boyfriend. And it hurts. I mean, come on, wasn't your relationship like 6 months? And you're on this forum. I don't say that as an insult. But when someone you love is taken away from you, it makes you unhappy. I don't see the big controversy here. I don't see how that makes me obsessive.

 

Ive been reading many self help books. I'll look at the one you suggested.

 

We didn't say you need to cut him out' date=' although it's best to work on yourself... It doesn't mean you can't contact him, but having sex and going out is going to complicate your feelings, and in turn your progress. I think this really needs to be done on both ends. It's not healthy period to have ONE person in your life that you love. ONE person that you depend on everything for. You need to be able to depend on yourself.[/quote']

I agree with all of this. But i do have family i turn to. I do love them. It just doesn't help the hurt.

[JerkBrokeMe]

I've read countless relationship books, probably thousands of forum threads, and numerous articles on relationship support sites, and I have never, ever heard the term "dumpers high" which seems to mean that he's feeling really good about ending the relationship.

 

I'll suggest the term doesn't exist and while it's probably easier to be the dumper than the dumpee, usually there's a good amount of pain there as well, including but not limited to feelings of regret, second guessing oneself, and the adjustment to being without a person who was a huge part of your life. Especially following a long term committed relationship when the dumper has not moved on to someone new.

 

Well, i picked up the term here so i don't know what to tell you. But thats all semantics. I've read about dumpers feeling a sense of freedom and relief immediately following ending the relationship in countless books and articles. Call it whatever you want. He fit the profile well. For about 2 weeks after the breakup he was miserable and then started going out to bars all the time and seemed happy. Then it stopped abruptly and he's been miserable ever since. I don't really know what your point is, to be honest. I'm not trying to be rude, I just don't see what you're getting at except you disagree with my use of a term you're unfamiliar with.

 

Also perhaps what i wrote was unclear. He kissed that girl once, while extremely drunk, told me about it the next day, felt horrible and never spoke to her again. Even though we weren't together. The 6 weeks I referred to was just him going out to bars and shows all the time and seeming happy.

[endy]

Ok, I think there was some misunderstanding... It was the way that you worded things originally. Yes, it does make us unhappy, but from what you were saying it made it sound like you NEED him to be happy. That's all we were getting at. I wasn't saying rebounding WAS your problem, you took that out of context. I think if you don't move on it's going to be harder and harder. I've been in enough relationships besides my recent one. Yes it was shorter than normal, but I almost had a baby with this person as well.

 

Our situations are different, but it's still the same. Someone hurt you that made you happy and that you loved. I said obsessive because of the way you originally posted. You want to kill yourself over a relationship? Because you feel you can't be happy without him... That is a issue IMO. What helps the hurt is when you realize you are killing the love inside of yourself. You are killing the love for yourself. I think you just need to concentrate on getting that back. Yes it's hard, yes it's difficult, but if you keep contacting him it's just going to cause more pain.

 

I'm not here to judge you or compare stories. If you made each other that happy then why are you both depressed? I'm just giving you an honest opinion. If you are going to argue with my advice, and defend yourself then I won't give it. It's that simple. You don't have to agree with it, and you don't have to take it. My recent breakup in this thread was irrelevant. I've been in not one relationship but plenty. I found ENA recently, and in no way am I still on here because of my 7-8 month relationship.

 

What was the original reason for the BU by the way? The reality to me is that you have been with this person for so long, at such an early age you two grew together. It's a lot to miss yes, but I say obsessive because well you probably constantly looked only to each other for so long. You didn't make friends, you didn't do anything normal growing up. It looks like maybe you need to become a bit more independent IMO. I could be wrong, but I don't think you being or staying away from each other would be a bad thing right now. If you don't you're just going to cause yourself more pain.

 

I'm really more interested in the history and why the break up occurred, before I could offer anymore advice. All relationships have a birth, a life, and an end. It's inevitable that it ends. Remember that, and that is why you need to be able to be happy with yourself.

[sunnz]

I agree with all of this. But i do have family i turn to. I do love them. It just doesn't help the hurt.

 

I don't think you are getting what people are saying...you need to depend on YOURSELF no one else...you need to be independent...until you learn to be ok being with yourself and not turning to others all the time you will forever be co dependant on others for your happiness...

 

I too was in a 12+ year relationship [about 5 years ago] with children and he was the only one I wanted to share my life with...didn't like my family and am not a person who likes lots of friends...I enjoy my alone time...however after he left me for the GIGS I got on with my life...I studied and just accepted the fact it was not meant to be...we were on talking terms always but I didn't make an effort to talk to him...passed the phone to the children etc..and only talked about what I have been doing...He tried a few times to get back with me...the first time I wanted to but his behaviour or should I say ego turned me OFF...and from then on I refused and moved on...did not want him anymore...to this day he regrets but such is life...

 

Also people can look happy...laughing however INTERNALLY they can feel like they want to jump off a bridge...don't assume just because he is happy on the outside that he doesn't have depression or stressed on the inside...many men go about their life putting on a mask of happiness when really they just want to tear the walls down and scream at the top of their lungs...they are miserable...but they keep face to not burden others of their problems...

 

If you are not strong within yourself how can you be strong for your ex ???? It is not right to expect him to save you from your unhappiness and quite frankly it is selfish to put all that on someone who is probably going through hardship internally himself...

 

If you want to get back with him...show with your actions that you are a strong independent woman...he doesn't want a woman they appears weak and needs a man...that's any man...they want someone that will be strong together...two weak depressed people is not healthy...he is doing the right thing by not going back with you...just yet...

 

Bottom line you have to get yourself back before you can get him back...it's for both of your benefits...

[JerkBrokeMe]

Yeah, I took offense to the word obsessive. We had a life built together, were talking about getting married this year. Picking out baby names, even though neither of us were ready just yet. Then my other half was ripped from me and I have days where I don't want to live. Some days I'm ok. Yesterday wasn't one of them. Neither has today. I agree somewhat about contacting him keeping me in pain. But I sort of feel like I deserve it. I caused this breakup and I deserve all the pain that I've endured because of it. Maybe thats why I can't love myself right now. Because I know its my fault. Staying in contact at least leaves me with my best friend, and I feel like my only slight chance at reconciling.

 

 

 

 

 

 

After nearly a decade we started to bicker a lot, as you can imagine most couples would. We never did anything about it and let it slowly rot our relationship. We still had a lot of fun and loved eachother wholeheartedly but we argued more than necessary. Every now and then we would discuss going to couples counseling but neither of us did anything about it. I think we both thought we were just in a rut, as we had been before over the years, and we'd work through it like always.

 

After one last stupid fight about nothing important I was actually the one to end it. He begged me not to. Wrote me a letter about how special I am to him and that he would show me more often. I was angry and didn't let it go. I told him to leave. About an hour later I regretted it and knew I wanted to work things out and I had only said it out of anger. I called him and his voice was completely cold and distant and he said I was right. It was over. We fought too much and that he didn't want to do it anymore. Now I was the one begging. I pointed out that we never actually TRIED anything to work on our communication and that our problems were small it, was the way we handled them that needed work. We just needed someone to show us how to communicate in a manner that was healthy. He didn't change his mind.

 

He's been cold like that ever since when I try to talk about it (which isn't often, sometimes it comes up organically, but mostly I try to respect the fact that he can't talk about ANYTHING emotional at this point- - whether it has to do with us or not). I feel like I broke him. I feel like its self preservation on his part. I think he won't give it a shot because he doesn't want to open himself up to me treating him like that again. Why else would two people that still have so much fun together, still physically attracted to eachother, still say they're in love with eachother not be able to give it a chance? Anyway thats my take on it.

[JerkBrokeMe]

I don't think you are getting what people are saying...you need to depend on YOURSELF no one else...you need to be independent...until you learn to be ok being with yourself and not turning to others all the time you will forever be co dependant on others for your happiness...

 

I don't think YOU are understanding the context in which that was said. The line you quoted was me responding to endy telling me that I can't have just ONE person in my life. I was stating I have family. I don't turn to them all the time. I barely turn to anyone anymore. I don't recall stating that I do?

 

I too was in a 12+ year relationship [about 5 years ago] with children and he was the only one I wanted to share my life with...didn't like my family and am not a person who likes lots of friends...I enjoy my alone time...however after he left me for the GIGS I got on with my life...I studied and just accepted the fact it was not meant to be...we were on talking terms always but I didn't make an effort to talk to him...passed the phone to the children etc..and only talked about what I have been doing...He tried a few times to get back with me...the first time I wanted to but his behaviour or should I say ego turned me OFF...and from then on I refused and moved on...did not want him anymore...to this day he regrets but such is life...

 

I'm glad you were able to move on easily. I'm sure if my ex had left me for someone else (I'm assuming thats what you mean by GIG) I'd be angry as opposed to sad and would find it much easier to move on. Its harder to move on, I would think, when a wonderful person you still love and respect can't be with you. As opposed to someone who mistreated you.

 

It is not right to expect him to save you from your unhappiness and quite frankly it is selfish to put all that on someone who is probably going through hardship internally himself...

 

If you want to get back with him...show with your actions that you are a strong independent woman...he doesn't want a woman they appears weak and needs a man...that's any man...they want someone that will be strong together...two weak depressed people is not healthy...he is doing the right thing by not going back with you...just yet...

 

What the hell. I don't appreciate you calling me selfish. Your assumptions are just that, assumptions. Not cool. I'm not expecting him to save me from anything. I do stay strong IN FRONT of him. What I'm posting on here is so I don't have to deal with it with him. Obviously. When we're together we have nothing but fun. We don't fight. I don't cry to him. I don't beg him to spend time with me. I Don't appear weak and depressed. And its never an act because we genuinly enjoy our time together.

 

If anything, I'm there for him because HE'S been appearing weak and depressed.

[endy]

I think the major problem here Jbm is the bickering and being angry. What happens when we don't control are anger is it builds and builds until it's a bomb inside of us. Yours unfortunately exploded. I'm not going to sit here and explain to you that anger is not part of love, it's a part of everyone. The way that we handle are anger if we love someone is to me different and what is important. You understand and have compassion for that person and don't react right away. This is unfortunately what most people don't do. It's common and it's usually a learned behavior. I think both of you should probably work on that. If you read anger and reconcilitation by thich nhat hahn it will probably do wonders for you. Anger causes suffering, when people cause us to suffer most people react with, I should hurt this person and make him suffer back. That's when relationships really start to deteriorate.

 

That is really all I can suggest. It's not too late for this relationship to work IMO. You just need to understand where that anger is coming from and be able to control it. Those books will teach you how to do that, and possibly even get him back. It teaches you a lot more than that, and I can promise you if you practice it, you'll understand more of what I am saying.

 

I think if you would have came out and explained the break up people would have given you a bit better advice. I'm sorry if I offended you by saying obsessed, I understand now. I know your suffering and I hope you can embrace it and understand why. The best thing I can suggest is you read those two books. After a few weeks you'll know exactly what you should do.

 

There's a reason I recommend that book to everyone. Pretty much everyone can benefit from it. I had anger issues in all of my relationships. It's because of how I was raised. I'm slowly starting to let that anger go and I can now deal with it without reacting. Now I embrace it and I take the anger and I'm able to see where it's coming from etc. You two were partners. Your partner is there to help in times of suffering not cause more. I never would have realized this unless I just went through what I went through in all my relationships.

 

I think the age etc etc can now be thrown out the window. If you really love this man, read those books. I can promise you should know what to do shortly after that. Love to me is an act. It's specifically how we treat and care for ourselves and the other person. It's also how we handle our anger among other feelings... jealousy etc etc. What I am saying is I think you two lost a bit of love for each other during the time you explained above. That doesn't mean it can't be restored.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Thanks. I appreciate your sincerity in wanting to help me. I will for sure check out those books. I just bought like 5 from Harville Hendrix last week. Good thing I have a lot of time on my hands now.

 

I, too, know where my anger comes from. I behave exactly the way I saw my mother behave towards my father for as long as I can remember. I hate it and want to change it. I've known for years, I just thought recognizing it and wanting to change it would be enough. They did split up for a year, btw, for pretty much the same reasons as me and my ex.

 

It's no excuse though. My ex came from a terrible, abusive father and a neglectful mother. Yet he is the nicest, most caring and easy going person ever. Our fights were my problem. He was just dragged into them because he needed to respond. He was always respectful, never raised his voice, never swore, and always tried to be the one to fix the problem. Man, I can't even write about how great he was without getting choked up today.

 

Since day 1 I realized my issues immediately after he said it wasn't working. It just smacked me in the face that I have problems. I've told myself since the break up happened that if we end up getting back together this break up will be the best thing that ever happened to me. It opened my eyes to my own behavior. I used to think the arguments I started with him were valid. Now I see many of them were caused by me due to my moodiness, need for validation and reassurance, jealousy, etc. I'm realizing, just now as I'm writing this, that I think the reason I initially broke up with him was, subconsciously, to get reassurance from him that he still wanted to be with me. Instead, I ended up pushing him to his limit.

[Tired Tiger]

JBM, there's a very important issue that's been mentioned already here that may not have been particularly well received - that you cannot be in a healthy, functional relationship if you aren't happy with yourself, by yourself. Consider that you've only ever defined yourself by the validation received from being in this relationship, at least for your adult life thus far. If you can't define yourself outside the relationship with anything positive, it's not a sign that you need him to be happy, it's a sign that you need to focus on your own self worth and independence. Try to think about that as an opportunity...

[JerkBrokeMe]

JBM, there's a very important issue that's been mentioned already here that may not have been particularly well received - that you cannot be in a healthy, functional relationship if you aren't happy with yourself, by yourself. Consider that you've only ever defined yourself by the validation received from being in this relationship, at least for your adult life thus far. If you can't define yourself outside the relationship with anything positive, it's not a sign that you need him to be happy, it's a sign that you need to focus on your own self worth and independence. Try to think about that as an opportunity...

 

Yeah, I see it. I started this thread to get my feelings out on one of my hardest days in months. I wasn't prepared for some of the phrasing I received. Really I was in too sensitive of a state to be making posts on this board, ironic as that is. But, as always, you have a way of putting things that make me understand. I want to figure it out. I just don't know how.

 

As far as self worth goes. I always sort of felt like I had him tricked somehow. Like someday he would realize what I really am. See me the way I see myself. I couldn't understand why he would ever want me. I just don't know how to fix that part of me. But I'm trying.

[CMS]

As far as self worth goes. I always sort of felt like I had him tricked somehow. Like someday he would realize what I really am. See me the way I see myself. I couldn't understand why he would ever want me. I just don't know how to fix that part of me. But I'm trying.

 

That part is not hard to fix, a little positive thinking apply daily will do the trick. Remind yourself that you are worth being loved, you are a good person and you have a lot to offer, remind yourself daily that you are a catch and he is lucky to have had you. Tell yourself that daily in front of the mirror and start believing it. It works. Its all about thinking positively.

[endy]

JBM,

 

Those books will change that and fast. But you HAVE to practice it. You're going to realize more about him too when you do read these books. It's one thing to know where it comes from, it's another thing to be able to look deeply into it with compassion, understanding, insight, and then finally you will be able to change it into love. Do not say that this is all your fault. It isn't, and it's not all his either. Do not be so harsh on yourself. You were just unskillful on how you talked and listened to your partner. This can be changed, and changed very quickly. You will know what to do it once you read those books. Buddhism really isn't a religion, it's a way of living.

 

I understand how you perceived what a lot of us said the wrong way. I'm sorry that I also perceived what you said the wrong way. Trust me, read those books when you get them. Start practicing being mindful. You can do it at any time. It really works wonders for anger. It's like you catch it as soon as you feel yourself getting angry and you don't act. You go back to yourself first. That's the best I can explain it. People have noticed the change in me. I always knew I had an anger issue, but I didn't know where it came from until recently.

 

Also just because he was calm and quiet does not mean he is not like that way because of his parents. It's probably how he dealt with it since he was very little. It does not mean that he did not suffer greatly. It may just be his way of dealing with it and it may be why he is depressed. When we do not recognize and embrace any emotion positive or negative... It can effect us in a bad way. It creates knots internally, if we don't know how to untie those knots (for instance anger or even love) it creates issues in our daily life, internally and then externally. Love would be a positive knot, but it also creates problems... Like you fall in love, you fall down. You think about nothing else. You only think about that person. You don't go back to yourself. This is still an issue. A lot of people wouldn't think this or even comprehend that. After all, what's not to like about a honeymoon stage?

 

Anyways enough of my ramblings... Get the books and read them ASAP. Let us know how it turns out. In the meantime try to be patient. Also take into consideration what TT said. TT brought up a good point. Read those books, then talk to him. Tell him I am in a lot of pain right now, I am suffering. I'm sorry I was unskillful and I am practicing. I am doing my best. Please give me some time to get this sorted out and then I would like to have a talk with you. You'll know what to do if you practice it the right way. Habit energies ARE hard to break. It isn't just going to go away when you read those books. You will however be able to eventually deal with it properly and in a loving manner. You will also be able to talk to him in a loving manner if you do lash out and get angry after. You will know when the time is right to do what you need to do. For now just try to relax and take some time for yourself.

 

I wish you the best.