Is this emotional abuse?? Please give feedback

[beancounter999]

I have been dating K for around 6 months. He is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Some days he's sweet and caring and other days I'm walking on eggshells and can't seem to do anything right. My friends hate him and think he's manipulative and emotionally abusive. I'm so confused that I don't even know how I feel about him any more. He is passive-aggressive and withholds affection and attention if I do something he doesn't like. If I ask for a hug or kiss, he will even tell me "no, but we'll see how you are tomorrow." I feel like a child being punished! He used to be affectionate, but now if I reach for his hand or try to hug him he pulls away and will make up some excuse (his back hurts, his hand hurts, etc). I'm starting to feel like I have leprosy! And we still haven't had sex! At first he told me that he wanted to be sure things worked out between us and now he tells me that he is under too much stress and is having difficulties "physically". I believe he is having "physical" difficulties, but why does he not even try? Or go on medication? And when I try to talk to him about any of it, he just gets angry and tells me that I'm not being supportive enough or that I'm needy. We sleep together frequently but he never tries anything...no hugs, kisses, nothing.

 

So...why am I still dating this guy? Good question. I have tried to break it off several times. Every time I do, he will stay away for a few days then start texting me about "my behavior" and his stress and how if I really cared I would stick with him and be his friend until he gets on his feet (he is disabled and struggling financially). I end up feeling guilty and taking him back. He is not all bad. He calls and texts me frequently. He takes care of me...if I need anything he is there. But his behavior - withholding physical affection and acting as though my mere presence annoys him is really confusing me. Why won't this guy let me go? I honestly think that I only continue to back to him because I can't figure him out.

 

Is his behavior a form of emotional abuse? Or is he just crazy? Or am I just needy? Any thoughts?

[abitbroken]

It is okay that you have not had sex. Some people wait 6 months, a year or more even if they express a verbal interest in doing it eventually. Some people have sexually hangups. Not having sex if you never had it with someone isn't abusive. But on the other points I do agree that he is emotionally abusive if he treats you that you need to earn hugs by your behavior. Why are you still dating this guy? You feel if you only did X Y or Z better things would change completely. You are starting to believe him. And you also stay because just when you have had enough, he's sweet again. Its the mean and sweet cycle of an abusive person. Please break it off with him while you still can think clearly about this.

[woodsrose10]

Wow ~ in elementary school I had a female friend who was very similar to your bf. She was emotionally abusive & manipulative, and acted "poor me" whenever she got angry at me about something stupid. I look back and realize I was her victim because of how nice and needy I was, and she absolutely fed on that because she knew I would try to make her better whenever she got angry. And believe me when I say: it's a game you will never win. You've been with this guy 6 months? End it now; he's not worth another month, day, or minute of your time.

[eternalsunrise]

Yes it is emotional/psychological abuse. You're going to have to muster up the strength to let this guy go. Don't wait for him to let you go - that's giving him power over you instead of you having self control. You can enforce the fact that he's not right for you by moving on with your life. Do you have a safety net, other people to lean on for support?

[justaglimmer]

Yup. Withholding affection and trying to "punish" you, the split personality, and the walking on eggshells. Its emotional abuse.

 

Ugh.. it doesn't get it better darling. Been there, done that.

[eternalsunrise]

Yup. Withholding affection and trying to "punish" you, the split personality, and the walking on eggshells. Its emotional abuse.

 

Ugh.. it doesn't get it better darling. Been there, done that.

Glimmer! ((hugs)) Good to see you

[renno]

I think this is emotional abuse, and the worst part about it is he is trying to prove that he is in CONTROL and gets to punish or reward you with giving/withholding affection. My advice would be to leave this relationship, because it will not get better... it will only get worse.

 

Your gut is telling you that you deserve better, or you would not be questioning why you are in this relationship and be posting on this site. I don't even know you - and I know you deserve better. So, do yourself a favor, take the control back and allow yourself to be available for someone who you won't have to walk on eggshells around

[beancounter999]

Thanks guys, for your feedback. Of course, deep down I know what I need to do but started to question my sanity, so it really helps to hear your opinions. I think I am ready to finally end things for good. We just spent a week together in Vegas. He spent the first 3 days giving me the silent treatment because he wasn't happy with our hotel. Then he was fine once I gave him money for gambling. But after spending 7 days together with no hugs, no kisses and constant criticism about the way I gambled, the travel arrangements I made, and even the way I walked, I realize that I am absolutely miserable with this man. He acts like he hates me but still calls and texts constantly which is totally confusing me. I just need to face reality that I will NEVER understand his behavior. That's ok, I don't need to. I'm not happy and there's my answer. I don't understand why it's so important to me to gain his approval??? That's really the only reason I've put up with this for 6 months...just waiting for him to want and appreciate me. I've put that above my own happiness. That's just crazy.

[abitbroken]

It is called "crazy making" when you start to feel like you are insane and nuts.

[eternalsunrise]

He's trying to make you as miserable as he is. It makes him feel better about the ugly world he lives in in his head. - He does approve for you to be in this position.

 

The kind of love you seek is not something that he is capable of giving, and it has nothing to do with you.

 

There is a guy out there who will love and appreciate the wonderful person that you are. You sound like a great person so go seek your true mate.

[justaglimmer]

Glimmer! ((hugs)) Good to see you

 

*hugs* to you too eternal! Yep eternalsunrise and I can tell you lots about dealing with emotional abuse. Your relationship shows the classic symptoms. It hurts like hell and I'm very sorry you're dealing with it. Prepare yourself to get out of this relationship. That is my best advice to you, I know its probably not what you want to hear and my heart goes out to you.

[justaglimmer]

You seem very wise beancounter, I think you're ready to make the right decision. There's a better match out there for you.

 

My ex used to withhold affection like crazy. I'd get soo angry about it too. I'd ask him for a kiss and just to be a douchebag, he would say something like "No. I already gave you one." uhh?! I didn't know there was a kissing limit. I guess he was some sort of machine and I might as well have started putting quarters in his bellybutton to see if I'd get something in return.

[Bolegged04]

That reminds me so much of my ex..HE actually ended it and I didnt even oblige, i just ran and didnt look back..

[SpottiOtti]

You sound like a logical person trying to make sense of behavior that defies logic. If he cared for you, he would be nice to you. But he's not being nice to you, so he doesn't care for you. But he keeps calling and texting you, so he must care for you.

 

Check your premises. I'd say the last premise is the incorrect one. Is he staying in contact with you because he cares for you? What possible other motivations are there?What need of his are you feeding?

 

And what exactly are you getting out of all this? Do you want to teach him, show him how to be a better person? Fix him? What need would that serve for you?

[beancounter999]

I have finally ended it after 9 months of distress. I realize that he did not care but was just using me for money. Sad, but true. And even after I broke it off he continued to text and call with verbal abuse about how this was all my fault because I just wasn't getting HIM and that he truly cared and I had issues and problems and blah, blah, blah. I'm completely done and will never go back. The saddest part of this whole mess is that I found out that he was seeing other girls and very willingly giving them all the love and affection he was withholding from me. That's the toughest part for me. To know that my feelings were just a big game to him to get a few dollars now and then (I didn't give him much but enough apparently to keep him stringing me along). And he showed absolutely NO remorse when I called him on the other women. That ended up being my fault too. I know I'm so much better off without this loser but it still hurts.

Clearly, I'm codependent and was an easy target for him. I have been to counseling a number of times and it seems to help with the current situation, but I tend to fall right back into the same old habits. Not sure whether to keep plugging away in counseling or to just stay single.

[SpottiOtti]

Awesome, beancounter. That's really good to hear. You are so strong for ending it even though it was hard and you cared for him. Also, for seeking help. It's hard to admit that we need it sometimes, and do anything about it. You are trying to learn why you fall into old habits, and trying not to repeat past mistakes. That shows a lot of courage and self-introspection. I hope you can hold onto those things when you're feeling really down.

 

Keep posting here! Vent on the breakup forum. It helps. Sending you a virtual hug.

[kath]

Well done beancounter999! You did it! Leaving such a relationship is never easy but you found the courage and you acted. You did the right thing! Let someone else worry about him now. You are much better off without him!

 

As for it being a pattern, I guess what would help is to try to think about your boundaries. To really think about what you will and will not allow to be done to you. If you're clear on your boundaries (for example, "I will not allow a man to call me names"), it's easier to end it sooner if it turns out he's got abusive tendencies. And it would probably help to work on your self-esteem. Not saying any of that is easy or can be done fast, no, but I think it's essential if you don't want to end up in another abusive/non-healthy relationship.

 

Good luck to you and yeah, feel free to rant!