my ex left me and said I need help. I was raped by another ex.

[ImGrowing]

My ex left me, because I was paranoid. He has done a lot of suspicious things around me. I saw him rubbing his hands on another female's leg. His female "friend" texted him and said they should meet up for dinner. He has deleted facebook comments from females. He has received lots of late night/early morning texts from other females.

 

I'm not sure if he has cheated on me, but he sure didn't respect the relationship that much. And I wouldn't be surprised if he has, and I don't care anymore. The point is, I trusted him, and told him that my ex raped me, so I am very vulnerable, when he flirts. Well, I am hurt, because after I told him that, he didn't care and continued on with his patterns.

 

When we broke up, (because of something he did again), he said that I need help. And he told a mutual friend about me being raped. I trusted him, and it really hurts. I'm embarrassed, and I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore.

 

I don't think I deserved this kind of life. I'm the nicest girl anyone will ever meet. I am very shy and quiet, especially now. I probably have a pattern of dating jerks. Because of that, I'm very very scared to date again.

 

Every time I get close to a guy, I find something wrong with them, and once I see a red flag, I bail. I'm overprotective. I sorta gave up trying to take care of myself, and it's making me spiral into a bigger depression. I think I'm lost.

[divz21]

Hey.. listen you need to stop being so hard on yourself.. one the raping thing happened I have no idea how it feels.. but honestly best thing to do is try to move on with your life if need be have therapy or talk to a counseller about what happened to resolve any underlying issues.. but honestly this guy seems like a jerk.. he doesnt care at all.. you need to think like this "you are the most important person in your life" and you need to look after number 1 before embarking on a relationship with any guy... I hope that helps in some way

[lavenderdove]

First, if you've been raped, you most likely need some therapy to help you deal with it and get over it... all rape victims do. Such a traumatic event can have lasting negative effects if you don't process it properly and help from a trained professional can help you do that. Call a rape crisis hotline to get a referral to counseling services. Doesn't matter if you were raped yesterday or years ago, because it will help you immensely. One can feel really depressed, dissociated, alone, and suspicious after a rape, so what you are describing is very common, and can be helped and turned around by a good counselor. So focus on getting yourself happy and well.

 

Regarding your ex, he may have been a cheater or he may not have been one, but obviously his behavior made you anxious so that wasn't working out. I would suggest getting some therapy to talk thru this with a counselor who can help you learn skills to determine who you should trust and who you shouldn't. Some people are trustworthy, and some not.

[NANsense]

IMO this is not the time for you to be looking for a relationship...this is the time for you to be looking to take care of you!

 

Your current (and seemingly all of your) X's where not worthy of you, they mistreated and/or abused you & as opposed to continuing that pattern I'd suggest taking a time out from dating and seeking a path that helps you to deal with your past first & then moving on from there...

By that I don't mean to sound like I believe the past will ever be left in the past--these incidences will never be erased--they are a part of you--just like happy memories are....you can never forget them--but in time you may be able to live with them, in a healthy way...does that make sense?

 

PS. your current X was (it seems) a player--and IMO he used your history against you--trying to make it appear to be "your problem" and not him....the man is a major creep!

[hear_her_roar]

First of all, you have to understand that the rape and subsequent mindgames from your boyfriend were not your fault. Those things were beyond your control; you couldn't have stopped him from flirting with other chicks or even cheating on you because that was his choice.

 

However, how you deal with everything and get through it is YOUR choice. You're an extremely resilient and amazing person to have gotten through so much already, and there's nothing to say that your life will just be a stream of "getting through" things. Therapy might be helpfel; or just getting to know yourself and healing at your own pace. But no matter how you do it, the fact of the matter is it's up to you to try and work things out, whether you accept the help of others or choose to do it on your own.

 

You're not a freak, or crazy, or in "need of help". You went through something horrific in the past and continued to find yourself in hurtful situations.

 

I wish I could be of more help... but know that you're not alone in going through something like this. I was abused as a kid and confided this in a guy I was dating, because I'd decided to be more open with my past with everyone. He twisted it around and made me out as some kind of freak to mutual friends, and called me "damaged goods" when he dumped me. He said I wasn't worth the effort and was automatically crazy for having gone through something horrible.

 

It's the guys like these who have the problem - not you! You just focus on healing and do what makes you happy.

[abitbroken]

I agree - counseling and help in regards to the rape are critical now. You could have likely attracted a man who didn't treat you like his one and only because you were having a low moment/low self esteem. He also might have taken advantage of the fact that you said you felt suspicious because you were raped.

[ImGrowing]

Thank you for the response, and I'm sorry for the profanity. I was going through a very frustrating time.

 

Anyway, my current ex wasn't the most respectful person. He did work his charm on me though, because he was nicer to me. However, he did slowly start to show his true colors and treated me like crap.

 

After the break up, I was contemplating suicide, because the pain and confusion was overwhelming. I decided to seek therapy, but I wasn't satisfied with the outcome. My grief was still fresh, and I felt like my therapist made me look like a jealous person. When I saw him touch the lady's leg, she said that I should have talked to him calmly about it. I acted as mature as I could and excused myself and left the table. However, I was so furious, that I didn't want to talk to him or even see him and I didn't want him to touch me at all. I felt disgusted. But, my therapist said I probably should have handled it more maturely. I'm not trying to play the victim, but she definitely made him the victim. It was just one therapy, and I was crying hysterically the whole time, so she didn't hear everything. PLUS, I was at the stage where I used every excuse in the book to defend him. Now that I'm calmer, I think I should try therapy again. Maybe a different therapist. I don't know.

 

A few guys have tried to date me after, and I've remained distant... maybe too distant. I felt like I lucked out on one guy, because he was very respectful. However, I'm scared that everyone guy plays the respectful game and tries to manipulate me. So, I am seriously having a hard time determining which guy is for real, and which guy is going to end up using me again. It's frustrating.