Protecting Confidence After Being Dumped for Much Younger Women

[Silverbirch]

Okay, I am now at a stage where I can see I was just strung along, used then discarded.

 

I'd actually thought I was with my soulmate and he used to say some really lovely things to me. I've got good reason to believe that he was charming me to manipulate me..

 

I know that my self-esteem should come from within and not depend on others, but this morning, I'm feeling quite battered and self-esteem not great.

 

This is second time in 5 years I have been dumped for a much younger woman. I feel like an old unwanted car that was taken to the tip. I deserve so much better than this, and I won't ever let this happen to me again even if it means that I never get involved with another man ever again.

 

Anyway, are there things other people have done to help with their confidence when something like this has happened.

[OmegaMan]

Dear Silverbirch,

 

I am so sorry you had to experience this. I'm a guy and this has never happened to me. It did, however, happen to my aunt.

 

I'd be lying if I said she wasn't devastated at first. It took her about a year to get back on her feet. Soon enough, she met another man and has been with him ever since.

 

I can only imagine how difficult it must for you at the moment. If I do have some piece of advice however it would be the following thing:

Don't assume too much. It's easy following a breakup to start analyzing everything that happened and see we were used and whole thing was pointless. Try to see things in nuances rather than white and black, it makes the pain more bearable.

 

All the best to you.

[Silverbirch]

Omegaman, it hurts so much. I never, ever thought that the second man would do that to me. I trusted him so much and thought he was my best friend and the best person in the world. It is REALLY looking like he used me all along. (He had actually kept this other woman in the background since not long after we got together). He has been very callous in the way he dumped me too.

 

Is your aunt's current relationship a long stable one? I was with first man for 10 years, then this one for four. I suppose that thank god I didn't have more of my life wasted.

[Kev0s1983]

Look at the positives such as your last comment OP - you didnt have anymore of your life wasted with him. Thank the powers that be you got out when you could, one direction now - onwards. Forwards. This man doesnt deserve anymore of your time or life. You can and will rise above it. Dont lose faith in humanity, there are good men out there in all walks of life and age range. If and when you are ready to allow one to come with you on your journey, you will know keep smiling

[Day_Walker]

I dont think that you need to judge yourself based upon who your ex dates after you. You just dont need to make the comparison.

[vivia12]

I am sorry you have to go through this,this kind of stories seem unreal and for Hollwywood to be making tons of movies on that,shows that it does happen. Even celebrities get ditched for younger women,look at Jennifer Anniston. That I believe really made her truly serious in skyrocketing her career bc she dont want to fade away.

So First and foremost don't blame,do your very very best to take care of your needs,see a counselor,and best of all Travel,Travel! Go see new places,meet new people,they have vacation culinary schools.

If you want a bit of a pick me up rent my all time favorite "Under The Tuscan Sun" its amazing what total change of scenery foes for you. Her excuse to stay was" I cant go back there!" back to her life she meant.

Also go and stay on NC,No contact,unless you and your husband have kids together,keep contact to a minimum. Do something great for yourself,even journal,or blog your improvement. Hope all is very well for you!

[lavenderdove]

It is very easy to confuse charm with sincerity, and some people do indeed use charm to manipulate people.

 

The hardest thing is to really look a person's action as well as their words... do they do things that build trust, or destroy it? do they have a history of cheating on other women, and do their exes hate them? Do they leave a string of devastated women and/or children behind them while they pursue their own whims? Do they have a history of 'overlapping' women, starting up with one woman before they're really done with the one before?

 

When you first fall in love, it is very hard to keep your feet on the ground, but you need to ask yourself those questions when you start dating someone and not just fall for their words. So it's not that you can't trust men, it's that you can't trust SOME men, and they usually give off lots of signs that we just don't want to see because our hopes are so high. Next time try to keep your feet on the ground when evaluating a man, and really have him show you that he has sterling character, not just pretty words or charm.

[OmegaMan]

Is your aunt's current relationship a long stable one?

 

Well, it hasn't been very long, a couple of years, but it's stable AFAIK.

 

A few suggestions: Take your time to mourn and try to keep busy. It will get better with time.

 

I know, I know, at first it seems unbelievable, it seems like it never will get better but it does.

 

At this point, there's no avoiding the pain, you can only tame it until it slowly fades away.

 

You seem convinced that he used you for four years and since I know very little of what happened I would say your guess is probably the right one. When I read your first message it gave the impression that he just happened to meet someone else and went with this new person.

[Silverbirch]

There was one HUGE mistake I will never do again. It happened over a period of time - I became alienated from my friends, many of them I had for years. Over time, his children, he and his family became more important than my family and friends. It wasn't a conscious thing. I would have things arranged with friends, and his kids would get sick or he wouldn't get home from work in time and I would miss out. Not long after he told me he wanted "time out to think", I met up with an old friend in the street, and found out that another very good friend was dying from cancer. We got to spend quality time together before she passed, and I realised what an enormous mistake I made for not nurturing my friendships. The women I know from that group are devastated, but we are sticking together and seeing each other regularly and sometimes daily contact. I realise now how my friends were worth so much more than the men I became involved with and their damaged children. Yes, his ex wife hates him so much it's unbelieveable.

 

This man claims he wants to remain friends with me. I don't want to, but I also know that offer of friendship is not sincere. There is very little about him that is sincere if anything. He knows now that I can see straight through him so he will take care to keep me out of his life. It's just that he is a coward and wants people to think he is a nice guy.

 

Another regret I have which I hope I have also learned from is that I did not trust my gut feeling. I had more than a gut feeling about his relationship with this woman and when I asked about it, it was turned on me as me being jealous and insecure from my previous relationship.

 

When I got back in contact with my girlfriends, they saw through his behaviour straight away. My friend who passed away said she always felt something about him wasn't quite right, and like he was too good to be true from the way he presented himself.

[mad rabbits]

This man claims he wants to remain friends with me. I don't want to, but I also know that offer of friendship is not sincere.

 

Exactly. He wants to keep you around in the background in case his new relationship doesn't work out. He's a user and anytime you let him back in your life he will just keep using and you will get nothing from him. So don't be his friend...I think you know that already.

 

Even celebrities get ditched for younger women,look at Jennifer Anniston. That I believe really made her truly serious in skyrocketing her career bc she dont want to fade away.

 

I don't really like to hold up celebrities as role models LOL. But viva makes a good point. This kind of experience can really drive you to become the best person you can be, on your own terms. Take a leaf out of Jennifer's book.

 

And yes your friendships really are important so don't ever put them on the backburner for another weak, self indulgent time waster like your ex.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Badhabits. All so true. You know, I believe his is so narcisistic that it's important for him to think I'm devastated over him. I am, but no longer in the way he thinks I am. He like my previous ex, I can now see need to be adored from various sources. No one woman will ever be able to give enough for long enough. As nasty as it sounds, I can't see this woman will want to hang around him for long. He will be way too boring for her and not attractive enough. He even told me once before "she doesn't do relationships - she's emotionally unavailable - that's why she's in LDR." Incidentally, her bf didn't like their "friendship" either, and he was also held up as being insecure and a bit paranoid.

[mad rabbits]

Silver, my ex was very narcissistic as well. I'm not saying he had NPD (I can't really know that) but he had narcissistic traits. Inflated self opinion and gave not a damn about anyone but himself - additionally, interpersonally ruthless and exploitative. I observed this conduct not just in his behaviour towards me, but towards other people.

 

Upon reflection I think it is their apparent self belief that draws us in. They seem to strong and unaffected by others. Maybe we want some of that quality for ourselves, in ourselves. What do you think?

 

But the outcome is you realise their self belief occludes everything else, including you. There is no room for others in a relationship with a person that does not acknowledge the existence of the other as a separate individual, but as merely an object or tool to fulfill their needs at any given time...until their needs change, and they want something (or someone) else.

 

But I think we can learn something from these people. Yes we do want some of that quality in ourselves - not to the extent of becoming sick; but the capacity to put ourselves, our own wellbeing, first. If we do that, then these jerks won't have anything to offer us anyway - we won't give them a second glance.

 

It is telling you got dumped for a younger woman. This guy is looking for some arm candy that will make him look bigger and better in the eyes of the world. And you're probably right, their relationship will falter, but that's none of your concern now.

[Realitynut]

Well, mine left me for not only someone who was 11 years younger (but I still looked better lol), but her advantage was MONEY!!! My guy had enough money, he had a home that he had been working on for years (and because of ME, it became beautiful...we were on the last rm), but he was a tightwad. I knew it when I met him. Kept the heat during the cold Wis. winters at 57 degrees (heater in his bedroom). I had to hang the clothes out on the line. (didn't want to use the dryer..to much electricity. had to wash the dishes by hand, same reason) anyway, you would have thought he was POOR and he wasn't. BUT then he met this woman. Million dollar house on a big lake, boat, jet skis, etc.etc. Paid for his way to an all-inclusive wk. trip to Jamaica over Thankgiving. 2 months before that, I paid for our way to a water park in Wis. dells, and it about killed me financially. He never even offered to chip in. After he came back from that trip with her, he got back with me. A week later, he was seeing her again behind my back. Now it's been a month, and I saw on my phone bill (yep that's right, I paid for his cell!!) that he started calling her the day i left his house on April 1. She had a new number, but he was too dumb to know that it tells the city where the phone call is being made...duh. She lived an hour away. i lived 4 hrs away, and I, not him, traveled back and forth for almost 4 years!!! He had been single for 15 years after his divorce.

 

BTW, his ex wife LOVES him, as so do a few of his ex-gfs. But none of his relationships lasted over 9 months after his divorce. I was the only one, because I moved in and WOULDNT LEAVE!!! Damn,,,,the only way he could get rid of me was get another woman. He even called her the night before he proposed.....NOW doesn't that bite the big one!!

[mad rabbits]

User, user, user...

 

What is with just hitching a ride with someone for money or sex or attention or to do your housework for you... do you reckon these guys were spoilt by their mothers? Hmmm

[Silverbirch]

Badhabits, I really found him very different to any of the other men I've ever been involved with. He is highly educated, and I suppose comes accross as confident, but sort of conservative and reserved. He's a psychologist, and clever with people. I felt very relaxed with him very quickly. He was very kind to me, and that was a big plus as far as I was concerned. I didn't get to see the arrogance and the narcisistic traits until a fair bit later. By that time, I was blinded by love and made excuses so I guess I was an enabler of his bad behaviour as are his family. I too don't feel he is likely to have NPD, but likely narcisistic traits. He has told me he is aware he has borderline traits and says his mother and daughter are high functioning borderline.

 

Badhabits, he used to tell me and everyone else he was just nuts about me. In the early days when he had begged me to move in with him, I was playing mother to his children who played up like hell, especially the daughter who definitely has severe problems. There were many things I was doing for him then such as loaning him my car and my rent paying half the mortgage. I see that I don't have the same uses for him anymore. I'm not a high wage earner as his ex-wife was and he can certainly spend money. It won't surprise me if he is declared bankrupt within a year at the rate he can spend it. I think he had lots of plans in the early days of how I could benefit, but looks like this other woman can give him more. He was proudly telling me that he is helping her with a train the trainer so that she can get a career. She has a son who is about 14, and he even commented to me about her parenting, that she lets him take off lots of time from school for no good reason. He had also told me no way this woman ever would have put up with his daughter for as long as I did. I would think that once the honeymoon is over, he will have lots to be criticising her for, especially once she is used up by him.

 

As far as putting ourselves first, I would never take on somebody's children again. In both of these relationships, I was told I was part of the family, and I did lots. Of course both times, even the first time when he cheated on me, once the relationship ends, there is no contact from the family. I suffered a very strong sense of loss from this when my previous relationship ended.I am one of those people, considered very nurturing. Babies and animals seem to love me, and I've always really had a lot of love to give. I can see how this has worked against me in both relationships. Of course, his children no longer live at home and are grown up now.

 

Oh definitely moving away from my friends was a bad move. I'm off to see one shortly.

[Silverbirch]

I don''t know if I'm repeating myself here, but I shared my car with him for around a year as he wrote his off and spent the insurance payout on bills (thats wwhat he told me). That car wasn't just used for his use, but to drive his children around. I put my on interests and friends with less priority because I simply couldn't get there as much as I would have liked. I stupidly told myself that I was standing by and supporting him through the bad times. WWhen I first started going out with him, one of my girlfriends said to me that he was not appropriate relationship material for me because there would be problems through the children and that he had financial problems. At that time, I thought she was shallow. She used to say, about men, that if they didn't meet the critieria: "They can't afford me." I've lost contact with her so don't know how her life panned out, but be interesting to know. Her attitude was that if men had problems, they could sort them out, but not on her time. I know that she had been deceived by men, and she believed she needed to toughen up and look out for her own interests. I should have listened to her advice which had seemed so callous and materialistic to me at the time.

[mad rabbits]

Her attitude was that if men had problems, they could sort them out, but not on her time. I know that she had been deceived by men, and she believed she needed to toughen up and look out for her own interests. I should have listened to her advice which had seemed so callous and materialistic to me at the time.

 

Yeah, I think there's wisdom in that. If you have a partner who has proved able to give back to you and they fall upon hard times, well that's another story... but if there is a pattern of them relying on women to sort out their crap for them, well, what you have right there is a user.

 

You said you are a nurturer... I have been like this too. But our partners and lovers are not our children.

[Success]

Sorry to hear that Silverbirch. My ex has/is rebounding with nothing but younger guys (five that I'm aware of) in the last 3 months. My ego is bruised, but everyday that goes by I realize more and more that I have more than any of these other guys can ever give her and she'll never find another like me.

 

I bet you're a wonderful loving person, and probably attractive to boot! To think, some guy out there will soon cross paths with you and meet the love of his life!

[Silverbirch]

Realitynuit, hi that guy doesn't sound nice at all.

 

Yes Badhabits, they are not our children and I need to remember that. Maybe around 3 months ago, one night I dropped by after work. I had worked a very long day and tired myself. I had not been at ex's place long, and he got very sooky, saying he was tired and in pain, desperately hungry, but too tired to make anything for himself to eat. When I offered to cook him something he didn't want me to prepare anything that he already had in the fridge and pantry. I went down to the shops, bought the nicest steak I could find. I cooked it for him and took it to him on a tray which he ate in bed. When he dumped me, one of the reasons he gave was that I didn't cook enough for him. When I pointed this out, he said: "Yeah, but you didn't do that enough." In fairness to him, he did often cook for me, but that was nearly always because I was a shift worker, and I would finish work later than he did.

 

When I think of things like this, part of me is like, "Oh this man is a big baby", but there is another part of me which wishes I had tried harder and done more. It's horrible because it's like I get a committee meeting going in my head. One side of the committee is critical of him, and the other side is about regrets form me and makes me wonder what I could have done better.

 

Whilst I am by nature and profession a "carer", I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a perfect person. As I mentioned, in the 4 months prior to being dumped, I took on a very stressful management position, was often very tired and stressed, and I just didn't have anything much there to give to him. The way I saw it, I was just going to try and put as much as I could into my job because it was a real step up for me with lots of other opportunities available to me if I could prove myself in this job. That would mean better money and hours, and I was very much motivated by wanting to have more money to put into the relationship for holidays and home. We had been looking at houses together on the internet and were talking of both taking work interstate where there were more opportunities.

 

Well, from now on, I plan to put most of my nurturing into small children and animals!

 

Hey Success, sorry to hear about what you must be going through. I've never really been attracted to younger men. It grosses me out actually. Whlst to me, it would be an ego boost to have younger men interested, I could never allow myself or in fact want to go anywhere with a much younger man although I've heard other women think very differently about tis. I don't think they would be the majority though. When I have heard women say it though, I think that's mostly about power and sex. One woman did tell me though that it should just be about fun - the young guys are trying to find a woman with money who will spend it on them!!! I've had a younger man at work (28 years old) say things to me that I suppose most would interpret as a comment, and I shot back with: "Oh gross,, what's wrong with you? Go find a woman your own age." and "I'm way too old for you." Of course I laugh when I say it.

 

Hey thanks for your nice and supportive comments Success, well I'm going to need to push myself to move on as best I can.

[Silverbirch]

Realitynuit, hi that guy doesn't sound nice at all.

 

Yes Badhabits, they are not our children and I need to remember that. Maybe around 3 months ago, one night I dropped by after work. I had worked a very long day and tired myself. I had not been at ex's place long, and he got very sooky, saying he was tired and in pain, desperately hungry, but too tired to make anything for himself to eat. When I offered to cook him something he didn't want me to prepare anything that he already had in the fridge and pantry. I went down to the shops, bought the nicest steak I could find. I cooked it for him and took it to him on a tray which he ate in bed. When he dumped me, one of the reasons he gave was that I didn't cook enough for him. When I pointed this out, he said: "Yeah, but you didn't do that enough." In fairness to him, he did often cook for me, but that was nearly always because I was a shift worker, and I would finish work later than he did.

 

When I think of things like this, part of me is like, "Oh this man is a big baby", but there is another part of me which wishes I had tried harder and done more. It's horrible because it's like I get a committee meeting going in my head. One side of the committee is critical of him, and the other side is about regrets form me and makes me wonder what I could have done better.

 

Whilst I am by nature and profession a "carer", I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a perfect person. As I mentioned, in the 4 months prior to being dumped, I took on a very stressful management position, was often very tired and stressed, and I just didn't have anything much there to give to him. The way I saw it, I was just going to try and put as much as I could into my job because it was a real step up for me with lots of other opportunities available to me if I could prove myself in this job. That would mean better money and hours, and I was very much motivated by wanting to have more money to put into the relationship for holidays and home. We had been looking at houses together on the internet and were talking of both taking work interstate where there were more opportunities.

 

Well, from now on, I plan to put most of my nurturing into small children and animals!

 

Hey Success, sorry to hear about what you must be going through. I've never really been attracted to younger men. It grosses me out actually. Whlst to me, it would be an ego boost to have younger men interested, I could never allow myself or in fact want to go anywhere with a much younger man although I've heard other women think very differently about tis. I don't think they would be the majority though. When I have heard women say it though, I think that's mostly about power and sex. One woman did tell me though that it should just be about fun - the young guys are trying to find a woman with money who will spend it on them!!! I've had a younger man at work (28 years old) say things to me that I suppose most would interpret as a come on, and I shot back with: "Oh gross,, what's wrong with you? Go find a woman your own age." and "I'm way too old for you." Of course I laugh when I say it.

 

Hey thanks for your nice and supportive comments Success, well I'm going to need to push myself to move on as best I can.

[mad rabbits]

It's horrible because it's like I get a committee meeting going in my head. One side of the committee is critical of him, and the other side is about regrets form me and makes me wonder what I could have done better.

 

Silver, the committee meeting is part of healing. Currently you are arguing internally and going back and forth in your head because you haven't fully let go of your attachment and love for him. Part of loving someone is making excuses for them. I promise you in six months time you will look back and see this guy for what he really is, a worm. That is the long range objective - see the the reality, accept it, feel the pain of it and draw the lesson so you never put yourself at the mercy of a user ever again. And the committee meeting will be well and truly over. LOL

[Silverbirch]

Thanks BH!

[Silverbirch]

BH, I read another of your posts where you posted about facing up to the fact that the one you love does not love you. That's a tough one, but when I aim to face that with the knowledge that his inability to love me is not just about me, it's easier. He has never been able to remain in love with anyone despite what he says, and I doubt that he will stay "in love" with anyone else either. In fact, I've been a bit of a record for him. Although he was married for a very long time,he emotionally checked completely out of that marriage within the first year.

 

Maybe it's an ego thing for me. He said to me last time I saw him that he did not love me enough to put any effort into making the relationship work. He had really picked at ME, pointing out all of my faults - nothing wrong with him. When I apologised for my faults and said I was prepared to work to change, he didn't want a bar of it - like I said, he said he didn't love me enough to even bother trying.

 

It can be hard not to take that personally. It is after all REJECTION. When I honestly think out the criticisms he had of me, none of them were really bad things. Yeah, I'm human and have faults, but especially if I was prepared to work on improving myself, well, it does look like he wanted out because he can't do genuine lasting love. He doesn't want to. Much easier to move on to the next one and do the same stuff all over again.

[Silverbirch]

I'm still trying really hard. Staying with my family until Saturday. I've lost quite a lot of weight, but in a normal weight range - just very slim.

 

I know this is normal, but I'm struggling to keep hold of my self-esteem. I decided yesterday that I'm going to have Botox amongst other things. The other woman "friend" who is very prominent in his life and who he said to me about "Hypothetically, to see if you are really okay, how would you feel if I went into a relationship with her in a month?" Well, as I said, she is a very nice looking woman, much younger than me, and he said on many occasions, "beautiful". Part of me knows that it is more than just her youth and looks - she obviously serves emotional needs for him.

 

Still, I battle with feeling old and plain.

 

I'm going out today for the whole day, and going to try and get into a better frame of mind.

[OmegaMan]

Dear Silverbirch,

 

Just do whatever makes YOU feel better. If you feel like getting Botox will make you more comfortable with yourself, then do so. Society is becoming more and more accepting of plastic surgery, don’t let others dictate how you want to run your life. It’s your life and you are free to live it as you see fit.

 

All the best,

 

O.M.