Well now I suppose I have my answer...

[CrazyMiner]

As some of you will know my partner of 8 years told me that she wanted to separate from me back in mid-March. I'm 23 and she is 22 so obviously we met at a young age. I wasn't expecting it, we had argued about a week previous to her telling me due to her talking for hours on end to an old friend on the internet (via Skype)... and when I say hours, she would start talking at 11pm and still be going on at 3am. The guy she was talking to is apparently gay (he was when I knew him years ago), but still it seemed very strange that you would talk to ANYONE for that long. So we argued about that as I was recovering from a pretty serious illness and basically wanted a cuddle in bed, and apparently this guy heard us and I think she got a bit embarressed and felt a bit de-faced. A week later we had broken up.

 

Anyway, so that's the 2 second history. So 2 days ago I get a call from her as she is driving back from a weekend away with friends asking how renting our house out is going (we had only just brought a house when she told me we were to separated...). We talked for about 15 minutes and that was it. We were meant to be arranging a meet up as we have done about every 2 weeks since we separated but the only day she would offer me was the night that she was going for dinner at her grandparents and asked if I wanted to come along. I said I would look at my diary, basically not wanting to meet there (as much as I love her grandparents... basically I grew up with them). So I left it as that.

 

As she didn't seem to want to meet I decided that it was time to initiate NC, or as close to it as possible due to the house situation. So I text her asking for her postal address where she was now so that I could send a letter. She then proceeded to text me and call numerous times until I answered as she wanted to know what it was. I didn't tell her what was in the letter, just that since we had talked on the phone I had put my thoughts down onto paper. She then asked for me not to send anything that would upset the 2 of us (e.g. don't send a letter asking for us to get back together... I had already done the begging bit and moved on from it) but also said that she thought we were getting on pretty well at the moment. We then left it as that.

 

A few hours later I turned on my computer in the office that I rarely use and Skype popped up and auto-logged into her account as she had set it to remember her password. It then proceeded to download about an hour of that evenings conversation between her and this gay guy. I must admit I do feel pretty bad for reading it, but I suppose curiosity killed the cat and all that.

 

Basically she tells him shortly after we had spoken that she now feels "really upset and on edge" which is probably due to " being overtired plus caffeine pills plus talking to" me. Then after we had spoken when I text her for her address she says " * * * * , why won't he just leave me alone!", "He's now sending me a postal letter, why he felt he had to tell me that at 1am I don't know", "With his 'thoughts and feelings' in. Think he might be on drugs".

 

And that's where we are. I posted the NC letter yesterday and I'm hoping that it will get there today before the bank holiday weekend as she is going away again. I suppose it might come as a bit of a shock to her that I'm sending a letter to limit contact and not just my 'thoughts and feelings'... putting the ball into my court a bit I suppose.

 

The most hurtful bit is how two faced she appears to have become. When we spoke after I text her for her address she was really nice and seemed happy to be speaking to me, saying how she thought we were getting on well etc. Then she turns round and tells this guys she hasn't had contact with for 6 years or so (but now visits every other week) " * * * * ! Why won't he just leave me alone!". She was my partner for 8 years, and I just don't seem to recognise her anymore. I wish I had never read the Skype thing, but you can't turn back time I suppose.

[Kev0s1983]

Look at it as a positive... You have seen the person she has become perhaps?

 

Also, althought she has said a number of things to this chap, they are just words... What I mean is, she may well just be trying to impress him and tell him what she thinks he wants to hear?

 

Im not saying - even for a second! - its not out of order, but dont look at it from just one angle. Which I know is stupidly difficult... Not an easy time for you :S

[CrazyMiner]

Thanks Kev. As you suggest I think she is probably just trying to impress this guy. Back when we first met all those years ago, even though he was gay she has always had a bit of a 'school girl crush' on him and thinks he is pretty cool etc. Plus other people I have told the situation to agree this is probably the case.

 

What makes it worse is that I sent her an email this morning about house stuff (insurance payments etc) and she has just called me asking if she had done anything wrong as the email was very to the point and didn't contain any niceties. I told her no, everything is fine as she obviously hasn't received the NC letter yet. She sounded happy on the phone again when I told her nothing was wrong. But, after I got off from her, I so wish I had mentioned I had seen what she had written about me and yes she had certainly done something wrong! Would she have seen this as an invasion of her privacy although unintentionally done? Hell yes! But god it would have made me feel better. After seeing what she had written, to be honest even though we were together for 8 years I'm not sure I would take her back even if she came round now and said she had made a mistake.

[dramallama]

How do you know that she wasn't just pretending that she hadn't read the NC letter? Next time, do all of the tying of loose ends by email, that way it will be harder for her to chit chat and pry about your life if you only communicate through email. I hope that you've deleted her from facebook and changed your privacy settings by now. You can't do NC if you're still FB friends.

[PaintWithLight]

You are upset but you have to look at things honestly. She was not your "partner for 8 years"... You hooked up with her when she was 14 and I do not mean to discount the relationship but those years you were together were years of massive change and self discovery. I do not doubt that you share some special times but do not make this sound like it was a marriage. The breakup here has been years in coming. It is very rare to stay in step with someone you meet so very early in life.

 

Also, what is up with the NC letter? Just go into NC immediately. You do not need to send a letter to her. In fact, it sounds like you want to get "the last word in" with her. The NC letter will probably irritate her into wanting to get her last word in with you. Then it goes on and on and on. Just stop contacting her, stop snooping and delete her from FB.

[WockaWocka]

I'm glad you didn't mention reading her skype conversation when you talked to her. It's better if you permanently log out of her skype account and pretend it never happened. Use the mean stuff she said to the other guy as fuel for maintaining NC. Delete her from FB, delete her contact info or change her name in your contact list. Now you finally have time to focus on you for a while. Good luck.

[CrazyMiner]

So she received my hand written NC/LC letter today. Unfortunately she decided to reply by text... TEXT! after receiving a hand written letter, tut tut! But there we go I suppose.

 

I didn't end up posting on here the final version of the NC/LC letter that I sent her, so for those who have a spare minute or two to read it that would be great:

 

 

Hi ****,

 

I’ve been sitting here thinking and decided to get my thoughts down onto paper. This letter isn’t meant to be romantic or some lame attempt to win you back, as you’ve made it clear in more ways than one that this isn’t what you want, but do please read it all.

 

We were together for 8 years. Although we had some pretty tough times, we also had some fantastic ones. We grew up together, going from high school to University and then into our careers. We travelled, lived in some wonderful houses and apartments, and even got to stay a few times in a suite at the Waldorf Hilton!

 

But, something went wrong. I hope you know that I don’t blame you for the break up. Yes, it was a shock when you told me, but I’m coming round to understanding and addressing all the reasons why. I agree, I think we became broken. We had trust issues which never really went away, and we became a bit old beyond our years. I am also truly sorry for putting the responsibility for my happiness solely on your shoulders, which was unfair and not conducive to a healthy relationship. I know I’ve treated our separation with all the good grace of a bull in a china shop but I’ve always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve.

 

I’m socialising a hell of a lot more; I’ve started to create a proper circle of friends which is something that I’ve never really pursued since I’ve been in this city, and I’m certainly finding that I don’t have to rely on blonde haired Ben for my sole social interaction anymore! I’ve found a badminton partner, signed up to a touch Rugby league and a team (after speaking to the guy I found out that it’s actually the Didsbury RFC, ironic huh?), and started running, all of which are really allowing me to try new things and just enjoy life a bit more!

 

This next part is very hard for me to say, but as much as I can’t imagine not having you in my life in some capacity, to help both our healing processes a proper period of not meeting and only talking to discuss ‘business’ things like the house is needed. You know how much I care about you, but for both our sakes I feel it is necessary and hope that you understand where I am coming from and that I do it with the best of intentions. I know that you don’t want to be meeting up, feel on edge whenever you talk to me, and seem to have found what you thought you wanted so there is little sense in labouring the point and continuing as we are. I need to move on without you and you are already doing this so at least we will both know where we stand. The last thing I would ever want is for you or I to feel as if we can’t begin to move on when we are trying to be friends, and I feel that without a proper period of time where we’ve taken a further step away from each other this may start to happen, though correct me if I am wrong. I truly believe that it will be a positive and healthy move for the both of us; the chances of us being ‘super friends’ as you put it or even anything more in the future will otherwise potentially be marred with the ‘old us’ and our problems rather than allowing us to be the new ****, and the new ****.

 

We will still have to speak, but during this period of no face to face contact this can be over the phone or by email. Do remember though that if there are ever any real problems or emergencies that I will always be there to answer the phone.

 

I’ve always thought there is something quite quaint and special about hand written letters, and it allows me to get it all accross in a succinct manner and lets you read it over at your leisure. I would have posted it to Cleveleys but I know your Nan opens your mail and I didn’t think it would be the best thing for her to be reading at the moment!

 

Best wishes for the future.

 

Love,

 

**** x

 

 

And this was the text reply that I've just received:

 

 

Got your letter, completely understand, and your right I think it might be easier, at least for now, if we keep it phone and email based. Thanks for the letter, it was a better idea than I was expecting. Call you later in the week for an update. Hope you had a good wkd x

 

 

So there we are. A pretty short reply to what was a pretty thought out hand written letter. To be honest I was expecting her to call though I suppose that could have potentially turned nasty. Perhaps she was a bit emotional/was worried that she may get upset on the phone? At least it is a friendly reply.

 

From her reply, it does sound like she is already moving on, though correct me if I am wrong.

[Eocsor]

I don't want to sound harsh, but what were you expecting. She's made a descision to move on and is sticking to it. She doesn't want the drama anymore, so she's keeping things short and to the point. Don't expect her to call or have second thoughts. It's over. And forget the friends thing because it just won't work for you. You have too much emotionally invested to do that.

 

Time to get out with your dignity. Stop contacting her except for business to do with the house. And keep any communication short and about business.

 

She has definitely moved on. You need to as well.

[CrazyMiner]

I don't want to sound harsh, but what were you expecting. She's made a descision to move on and is sticking to it. She doesn't want the drama anymore, so she's keeping things short and to the point. Don't expect her to call or have second thoughts. It's over. And forget the friends thing because it just won't work for you. You have too much emotionally invested to do that.

 

Time to get out with your dignity. Stop contacting her except for business to do with the house. And keep any communication short and about business.

 

She has definitely moved on. You need to as well.

 

I don't really know what I was expecting, but to be honest my thoughts didn't change when I received the text, as in I didn't feel sad or upset or on the flip side happy... it just didn't move me.

 

I feel I have started to move on some what, but still dream about her most nights, never sexual just nice memories or dreams of her coming for dinner etc that never happened (as if we are still together now), so that is holding me back a bit. I'm not intending to contact her for anything non house related. It'll be interesting to see what happens when the house is let out... I'm pretty much expecting her not to contact me after that as there wouldn't really be any 'business' need to unless there are problems with the property. I suppose it's a shame that I didn't put in the letter about that, as in when the house is let out we should initiate proper NC unless there is an issue (there shouldn't be, it's a new build house, plus I'm going to be staying in the property and renting out some of the rooms).

 

It's amazing how people can go cold after a break up when they appear warm initially, but I suppose that that is how some people cope and move on, as in a bit of a defence mechanism.

 

Such a shame!

[LCA1986]

Hey there,

 

I had something similar happened to me a couple of weeks ago. After finding out that my ex had gotten in a relationship and was posting all about it on facebook, I decided to go to NC. I was really hurt and I proceeded to block her on fb and on my phone without telling her anything, I didn’t send a message or any other form of contact.

 

That same week, I went to hang out with one of my friends whom I know still keeps in touch with my ex. He was taking a shower and I was in the living playing a video game while I was waiting on him when his cellphone got a new text message. The cell was located right in front of me so it was really easy to see that it was my ex who had sent him the text. I tried to fight it but at the end my curiosity won over. So, I checked the message and I read the entire conversation that had been going on between them for the past week or so. Nothing bad, just friendly conversation about what’s going on in their lives. Except there was one message; “LCA is not even talking to me anymore. And if LCA wants to make things this complicated then I am not going to waste my f**** time and energy on this”. It hurt to read it because that was not my intention at all. I decided to back off to avoid complications now that she was with someone else. I know how it feels to be dating someone who ex’s is still involved in their life and I refuse to become that ex.

 

Anyway, I am sorry for the long reply, but my point is… I never told my friend about it, and I haven’t really thought about talking to my ex to clear my intentions up. Instead, as someone else said before, I used this and the fact that she has someone as fuel to keep on going. I agree with the poster who said that maybe she was putting up an act, 8 years is a long time and you guys shared a lot of experiences together. Good luck buddy, and I hope my post was somewhat helpful!