Is she reaching out or just using me?

[CrazyMiner]

Hi everyone,

 

Hope your all enjoying the bank holiday weekend, at least those in the UK anyway!

 

Just a quick note with some advice needed really. My ex left me going on 2 months ago after a 8 year relationship. We have had limited contacted since, meeting up once a fortnight to have a catch up and discuss house matters (we joint own a property) but haven't been talking in between meets. The last time we met, which was going on 2 weeks ago, she was quite cold at first and so to be honest I was about to enter a deeper NC route as I didn't want to appear to be the 'needy ex' or just beating a dead horse, if you'll pardon the pun.

 

However, yesterday she text me asking how renting the house out was going and wishing me a good bank holiday weekend with a 'x' at the end. I sent back a short message that basically said "all is under control, 2 viewings booked in for next week". No kisses, no good wishes, just trying to keep it nonchalant.

 

She then phoned me a few hours later to ask the same sort of thing again, in terms of what days the viewings had been booked in for and said that if I needed her to do anything or to be there just to let her know. She then asked about which benefits were available to someone who was unemployed as it would save her doing the research herself and we discussed this for about 5 - 10 minutes (it was for one of her friends).

 

She then emailed me this morning asking if I could take a look at one of her friends CV's as they were thinking of looking for a new job. I've not responded yet.

 

Now it does all seem a bit cheeky, especially the CV bit. I'm thinking that she may be trying to continue going down the friend route which is what we both agreed to do with a very minimal view of still giving each other space to breath and then potentially dating after a while (I know, I know, not the most ideal of situations but we grew up together). Is she reaching out? Is she just using me? Is she trying to approach a friend who she knows can explain the benefits system and can put together a good CV as I have designed them professionally before? Is she testing the waters to see how she feels?

 

I find it all a bit confusing especially as she has been so cold over the past few weeks.

[zaza34]

Hard to tell, she might be just reaching out because you need to stay in touch for the house etc. She might be also just checking on you, how are you doing after the break up, so let her know you are doing fine...Messaging and the "x "at the end most of the time means nothing, so if you keep asking yourself about what she might be thinking you will go insane trust me, I have been there... So instead ask yourself what do you want? Do you want her back? If yes, than start act "friendly", just as much as she does, don t overdo it, don t even mention the possibility of getting back together, just relax and you will see how things will go... But just don t have high hopes about this, don t make a big deal out of this, until you have some evidence that she wants to come back, like she actually tells you she wants back... so keep it casual and you will see... If you don t want her back, than be just less than friendly and talk to her just as much as you have to...

[catfeeder]

She needs to keep things smooth until the house issues are settled, and if she can get some free services from you in the meantime, she'll do it. Problem is, the more 'support' you offer an ex while hoping for reconciliation, the less she needs to miss you, and the less able she becomes to learn what her life will be like without you in it.

 

As much as people hope that behaving 'nicely' will win enough points to gain an ex back, the opposite is true. Ex remains comfortable doing exactly what you don't want her to do. Why work against your own best interests?

 

I wouldn't be a snot about it, but I'd simply be too busy to do free work for an ex or her friends. After all, isn't this stressful and chaotic enough?

 

Head high.

[CrazyMiner]

Thanks guys.

 

When she called to ask about the benefits etc she said about meeting up next week. I'll see what she's like then and will let you know.

 

If she is still cold I'm going to tell her it's time to go down the LC route and just phone/email discuss the house, no face to face meetings for a while.

[CrazyMiner]

Hi everyone,

 

Hope you all had a good weekend!

 

Quick question - I'm meant to be meeting up with the ex this week and would appreciate some advice on how to handle it. As mentioned above, the last time we met she was pretty cold but she called on the weekend about something trivial and sounded pretty upbeat.

 

I've ordered some new clothes that I wouldn't usually wear to try and get accross that I am moving on and show how that I'm changing.

 

Do I act cold as she did last time? Do I just copy her personality on the day? Do I suggest a meal or just to go for a drink (we would both have to drive approximately 30 minutes each way to meet so alcohol can't really play a big part which is why we've gone more for meals in the past).

 

Some advice would be great. I want to get these meets right and potentially start to build back up the closeness we had for many years in our relationship with the possible view of getting back together sometime, or at the very least remaining friends.

[Sunshine7]

Have you read the nonchalance thread?

 

Act calm and confident, positive and upbeat. Even if you feel like crap and your heart is racing stay focused. Do not appear eager or keen, do not discuss anything to do with the break up, only if she initiates. If she does stay calm and focused. Basically don't be negative and make out your fine and be positive about your life as a single person. Relax is the key and stay in control. Be yourself. I would not have alcohol - I would say a meal, but nothing too fancy - you want to be able to relax

[NCforME]

Don't act cold, just act like yourself. If you want her back I wouldn't show any animosity towards her, thats not attractive. Let her talk, people feel more of a connection when they are being listened too.

[vivia12]

Hi!

 

I agree with the other poster,be calm,act as if youre talkng to a guy friend,if that will help. I of all peopleknow its had to pretend to not care so much in front an ex that you care about! Thats why its hard if you meet them or talk on the phone.

Good luck to you and think positive,keep us posted.

[CrazyMiner]

Thanks guys, appreciate the advice.

 

Just as a quick update she has just phoned and we chatted for about 15 minutes. Nothing in depth, just about the house and renting it out, what we had done over the easter weekend etc.

 

She then mentioned about meeting up, and started to list the days she couldn't meet this week. First tomorrow is out, then the day after, then the day after that, etc. Basically the only day she can apparently meet is Friday when she is going to her grandparents for dinner. She said I could come along if I liked (I am very close to her grand parents and love them a lot, basically treated them as my own etc). I said I was also pretty busy this week and then she said that we could perhaps have a phone catch up next week.

 

Is she fobbing me off? Letting me down slowly? Or am I just reading too much into it?

[Luckyy]

Sounds like your reading to much into it. While some of the things she says are kind of odd such as going to her grandparents for dinner, ect. None of what you posted from her has been towards getting back together.

 

Your doing a great job keeping things short, not being overly interested or needy ect. I just don't see this as reaching out to fix things.

[jefr61]

ok, so Im the contrarian here. How do you think the peace treaty between Israel and Egypt was signed? No-contact??? Uhhhhh Noooooooooooooooo!!!! So any opportunity for contact is a good sign ...take it as such. However, these things are entirely unpredictable....(those two countries could just have easily gone back to war)....so tread lightly....be cheerful and express no expectations.....I say flirt the * * * * out of it....both men and women want to be desired...the crux of the human experience. Will it work? who knows....but I say its got a much better shot than disregarding your ex

[NCforME]

ok, so Im the contrarian here. How do you think the peace treaty between Israel and Egypt was signed? No-contact??? Uhhhhh Noooooooooooooooo!!!! So any opportunity for contact is a good sign ...take it as such. However, these things are entirely unpredictable....(those two countries could just have easily gone back to war)....so tread lightly....be cheerful and express no expectations.....I say flirt the * * * * out of it....both men and women want to be desired...the crux of the human experience. Will it work? who knows....but I say its got a much better shot than disregarding your ex

 

Its not completely nonsense a period of a NC is definitely necessary. It lets each side contemplate their motives and lets emotions cool off. The appropriate amount of time is up to each individual. I think its best not to reach out until you have really evaluated the situation and know why this happened.

 

Its not disregarding your ex, they chose to break up with YOU. So they are disregarding you in the first place! So to take time for you self, it is a good thing.

[CrazyMiner]

Thanks for the answers guys. What I am concerned about is the fact that as she has "allowed" us to carry on catching up after we have separated (if you know what I mean) and this was initiated by both sides, if I now close the door in her face it almost seems like I am taking a step backward and now following through on potential communication channels as one of the previous posters has said.

 

I did text her for her address last night so that I could send a NC letter (allows me to get my thoughts down onto paper) and she sent me it. She did then however phone me 5 times until I answered at 1am wanting to know what the letter was. I didn't tell her the contents, just that I had been thinking and put my thoughts down onto paper. She seemed a bit upset as I suppose she could guess what sort of letter it was (although I was upbeat), and said things like "I thought we were getting on alright" and "don't go sending anything silly/that makes us more upset" etc.

 

Of course, the problem now is that I will have to send some sort of letter as I said I would, and it has to be something about the relationship in some way. It was just talking to her last night that I almost felt a bit of closeness there and now I'm worried about messing up and pushing her away again...