I hate my grandmother. She's spying my intimate life & telling to our neighbours

[PrettyGood]

So I'm 27 and I hate my grandmother. She's almost 80 and she's spying everyone in our house. If we get a PRIVATE letter, she just opens it, reads it and put it back to the mailbox opened. She say: "I was without my glasses and didn't know that it's for you". Especially when no-one ever writes her and we're paying all her bills. She reads not only our bills, but also my private letters, congratulations, my university news and so on. Then she's gossiping everything for our neighbours (we don't communicate with our neighbours!).

 

Not so long ago I broke up with my boyfriend. It was like a hell. I didn't want anyone know about it. My best friend called me and for 1 hour I was crying on the phone and telling her all details of my intimate life with my ex. She told me about hers. I thought that no-one is listening to us. I was switched "PRIVATE ON" button on my phone, but it seems that it didn't worked. So my grandmother was listening to all this conversation. Repeating - I told my best friend so much intimate things (we talked even about the sex life) and she heard everything! Then she told about it to my mother in details! Mother kept it as a secret from me, while today my grandmother gave me a compassion because of my boyfriend. I was shocked - how did she know? And my mother told me about the phone call.

 

I became so mad, that I don't know what to do else. I'm sure our neighbours already know everything. And I'm ashamed because it wasn't my grandmother business to listen, but no matter what - she still do it and she doesn't care!

[velvette]

ok, up to the phone call I was thinking your grandma is just one bored lady. but listening in on such a private call is WAY over-the-line. I don't know how to advise, since it's hard to change old people. age gives them a certain power, unfortunately. if she won't listen to reason or understand certain rules of privacy, you can only switch to talking on a personal cellphone or meetup with your friends to talk. ): or move out...

[agent1607307371]

Your grandma has no boundaries, you need to find ways to make it harder for her to violate your lines. Do you have any way to set up a private PO box, or get your own mobile? Or even move out if that's a possibility.

[PrettyGood]

Well it's not my house it's my parents house so what I can is only to chat by my mobile phone. It was my home phone line, not mobile, that's why she heard. It was cheaper for my friend to call me from abroad, that's why we talked on this line. But I had no idea that someone was listening for us for more than 1 hour! Easter is coming soon and now I hate her so much that I even don't want to see her face again. Is it right not to talk to her any more for a long period of time? Just to cut her off like she's breaking into my private life?

[catfeeder]

The problem with old people is that they do this annoying thing, they die. Then we're left to feel sorry about the last things we've said or done to them--and we can never take it back.

 

It's your call if you want to punish your grandmother for being a snoop. I wish I had mine back, and I wish I had paid more attention to her and showed her more love and appreciation when she was alive.

[velvette]

^that, so much! I'd rep you if I could haha, but gotta spread the love. xP

 

just keep in mind she's old, and unfortunately while the older one gets the wiser one SHOULD get, it's not always the case. and old people deserve a bit of leniency, since in old age you've gotta treat them almost like infants again. if there's no way you can change her mind regarding your privacy, just try harder to be private. buy a lock for your door, get a calling card, have mail delivered to be picked up etc. I'm sure there's some way to deter her!

 

my friend's grandma was also quite the snoop in old age. she was just so BORED and had nothing better to do at home all day. she would literally get into everything, pockets, pockets inside pockets, cards inside letters inside bins inside cupboards etc. she died recently, it was quite sad. ):

[catfeeder]

Yep. Old people act like children because, just like children, they have no power. What do powerless people do? They manipulate. Grandma is as manipulative as a child--only she's BETTER at it.

 

I'd start to figure out ways that I can give her the attention she badly needs. If she can get face time with you, she'll be less inclined to try to learn stuff behind your back. Ask her advice about things whether you intend to use it or not, and let her feel helpful and respected.

[PrettyGood]

But the one thing is to find out a private information and keep it to yourself silently. And the other thing is to spread this information for your parents, neightbours, and other relatives who even not visiting you on the great holidays. I think what she's done is much more than horrible! I can't do anything to remove this information from others head and I'm so disappointed of her and feeling angry that she told everyone everything what was so private for me that I couldn't even talk about these topics with my liberal parents!

 

You can just imagine how you would be in shock if you were very introvert person having so much private intimate things and thoughts and the other day one of your relative would tell about it to all the street people who are living around you. Wherever you go, you would know that NOW everyone knows your intimate details and when they're looking at you, they're thinking something nasty.

[catfeeder]

ND, my heart goes out to you. Your feelings are perfectly valid. It's just a separate issue from how you respond to your grandmother, because punishing her doesn't undo anything--and it won't help you to feel any better.

 

Your post makes really good points. Can you sit down with your grandmother calmly and explain them to her? Maybe ask her how she would feel if she were you. If you stay kind, she'll be more likely to hear you and try to understand. If you flip out on her, she'll shut you down.

 

Two things to keep in mind--First, you don't know who she's told and who she has not, but you can ask her nicely. It could ease your mind to learn that she may not have told everyone you believe she has. Second, even if she's told the world, it's just doesn't hold the same importance to others that it holds to you. You might feel under a microscope for a time, but it's useless information for other people and it will be forgotten as people move on and live their own lives. Most people don't care about this stuff beyond the time it takes to hear it.

 

Head high.

[agent1607307371]

Has she always behaved like this? Even when she didn't live with you?

[PrettyGood]

Can you sit down with your grandmother calmly and explain them to her? First, you don't know who she's told and who she has not, but you can ask her nicely.

 

Well honesty isn't working with my grandmother, because she's always pretending like she doesn't understand what I'm talking about. She always do it. She always denies everything and tells that you're crazy, I even don't understand what you're talking about. And she would never ever let herself to say a real truth. It's her tactic. She's really hard person.

 

Has she always behaved like this? Even when she didn't live with you?

 

Yes always, it is no matter for her if it is my things or my mother or my father or sister or anyone she doesn't know well. First of all she speak to that person eye to eye like a kind person and when he is not next to her then she's putting all the SH... about him officially. If the person doesn't want to talk to her (because of her nasty behaviour) then she opens his/her letters and reads them, or listening to the phone call. It's like some kind of mental illness I think. I don't know. It's not approved clinically, but I often think that she's insane.

[PrettyGood]

UPDATE:

 

So today I catched her reading my mother's mobile phone. When she saw me, she throwed mobile phone next to her and told me:

 

"Oh, it's glowing, maybe you got some news?"

 

I clearly saw that she was holding it in her hands and reading all messages. And when I told: "Hey, don't take things which isn't yours" she began shouting on the whole house: "Are you crazy? You are all crazy here, I even don't understand what are you talking about! I didn't take anything!"

[FEAR ME]

Hope that died...That would annoy the hell out of me. I cant stand mine I wish she would just die already she is 92 and doesn't need to be around anymore

[abitbroken]

Well - she didn't take anything really - she read something that was private though. I think you should tell her that sometimes you get mail and have phone calls and you don't like other people reading it or listening in. That might be more direct to her.

 

Honestly, though, there are two ways to handle it. You can try to get grandma to change. She is older maybe set in her ways and maybe she is slipping into dementia, or she is lonely and wants to feel important or connected. Or maybe she is just a nosey jerk. OR you can set boundaries. You can move out or get a post office box and direct all of your friends to send your mail there and send your personal bills there. If you have a private phone call from another country, you can tell your folks you will be tying the phone up and would they please take grandma somewhere or monitor her or you can disconnect the other phone line from the wall while you are on the phone.

 

If your parents are okay with the snooping - let them be - but you can set your own boundaries and settle this really easily. If you get a PO, etc, then you can have a better relationship with Grandma who won't be around forever.

[Seraphim]

The thread is 2 years old.

[agent1607307371]

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