Any adoptees on here? Wondering about a few things...

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi Everyone -- Just wondering if there are any adopted children on here, or anyone who has adopted children or has firsthand experience with adoption -- I have a few questions.

 

Several people in my life are adoptees, including an ex and one of my closest girlfriends, and pretty much all of the adoptees I know have suffered from some sort of serious emotional issues -- depression (to the point where it required medication and intensive therapy), difficulty maintaining healthy relationships (my ex, specifically, who claims he has "abandonment issues" though he has never directly related connected them to being adopted; he also had a VERY contentious relationship with his parents and left home at an early age and still, in his 50's, seems to harbor some resentment toward them) etc.

 

What I am wondering is this: If any of you are adoptees, have you found that you have experienced emotional issues that you think may be connected to being adopted (i.e. fear of abandonment, depression, resentment of your adoptive parents, etc.)? If you are a parent who adopted a child, have you found that your child suffers from any of these issues?

 

My reason for asking is two-fold: 1) I have a couple of friends who are considering adoption, but they are taking a lot of things into consideration before doing so, including the potential long-term emotional impact on the child; and, while I have no plans to adopt right now, it is unliklely that I will ever have my own biological children -- I am 40 and still haven't met someone suitable to share my life with, and I may consider it at some point in the not-too-distant future; 2) I think that maybe some insights from other people with whom I don't have an intimate connection might help me to better understand my friend, my ex, and others who have often acted in ways that are confusing and painful to me. (Note: I will not be reconciling with my ex unless some dramatic re-alignment of the planets occurs or something, but I still want to understand him -- and no, I'm not losing sleep over this or letting it impact my life in any significant way, in case anyone's wondering. )

 

Any insights you can provide would be great. I have always assumed that adoption was a wonderful thing for everyone involved, and I still do, but the more I hear from adopted children, the more I have wondered what the long-term implications of it are.

 

Thanks for any insights you can provide!

[crosbyfan]

I'm a 48 year old female who was adopted as an infant - therefore I guess I'm the type of person who can answer your questions.

 

I have never sought out my biological parents - I've always known that I was adopted, I simply can't remember any big revelation of the fact. I guess it was explained to me as I was chosen - in fact, in my childish mind, I always envisioned it as a big supermarket with lots of babies and my parents walked through looking at babies till they picked me!

 

I've turned out just fine LOL I don't have any abandonment issues, in fact I'm grateful to my biological mother for going through such a difficult process and giving me a chance at a great life. My brother is also adopted and seems to share my view. We're both is stable long term marriages.

 

Now back when I was adopted, there wasn't any record kept of medical issues that could be passed along to me - thus I have no idea if I have a predisposition for any disease, but I like it that way. In present day adoptions, all that type of information is provided for the adoptee.

 

I think at the end of the day it has a lot more to do with how the individual was raised. I know one friend whose adpotive parents divorced when she was three and had major abodoment issues because of her unstable family life.

[sidehop]

I agree with crosbyfan that it probably has a lot to do with the way the child was raised; whether or not he/she was adopted at young age. I knew my father since I was two, though not my biological I've never really seen him any other way.

 

I too turned okay (I think!). I'm in the middle of adopting my daughter. But I was there for her birth and before she was born so really haven't thought of her as my step daughter other than she's just not biologically related. Now obviously I was curious of certain traits that may be a challenge knowing my wife and her biological father's strength and weaknesses so that's something I'm starting to see as she gets older.

 

Personally if the adopting parent(s) give the adopted child the best care and loving home as well as provide stable and strong emotional support he/she will likely grow up like any child with biological parents.

 

I really think it's a wonderful thing for people to adopt, there are just too many children in the world that deserve a loving family.

[Fudgie]

I have a really good friend who is adopted and for a long time, she had all this emotional issues regarding it. She did end up meeting her birth mother.

 

Then she got diagnosed with bipolar. She's on treatment now and admits to me that she was using the "adoption" issue as a scapegoat. The real problems were within herself and being adopted or not wasn't going to change that. She loves her adoptive parents.

[PrettyGood]

I know one man, who was grown in children home. I know it, because I've dated it, so he wasn't adopted till he got adult, and now he's living well, has his own home, still have no stable relationship, but he's not depressing about anything. He's quite an interesting person and has a lot of female friends Of course, maybe he didn't try to do something with his life, because his mother died when he was little and he didn't know his father at all, because he hadn't seen him ever and doesn't know any details about him.

[Seraphim]

My best friend she was adopted but her adoptive parents never told her she was adopted and she accidentily found the adoption papers when she wanted to get a passport when she was 14. She hated her adoptive parents from that moment. She went onto look for her biological mother when she was in her 30's and after she found her she never talked to her adoptive parents again. I found that rather sad. She has always been a bad mess though. She was adopted at a year old when she was taken from her bio

mother cause they were living on the street.

 

My mother's best friend was also adopted when she was about a year and a half. Her parents told her she was adopted. She was far more balanced. She went onto look for her mother and found her but her bio mother told her she hated even the idea of her existence and to get out of her life because no one knew about her and she wanted it to remain that way. That broke my "aunt's" heart. She loved her adoptive parents very much though and her adoptive mom got her through the bad experience with her bio mom.

[Fudgie]

I think it would be best for the adopted child to know about adoption very early on. Don't wait until they are older to tell them, I would tell them when they are very young. Just explain that there are many different types of families with different children, no one is "better" than the others, and that you love all the same and that they are your child and always will be.

 

I think the world of people who adopt, btw. Can you tell?

 

Victoria, that is a HEART BREAKING story.

[crosbyfan]

When people find out that I'm adopted, many of them ask me what it feels like? It's a difficult question to answer simply because it's something I've always known, thus it's simply something that I've always been.

 

How does it feel to be born to your parents?

 

My adoptive mother is my mother full stop. This woman would walk accross hot coals for me - she may not have given birth to me, but she is my mother in every sense of the word (my dad passed away when I was eleven). Every year on my birthday, she and I raise a toast to my birth mom to thank her for the wonderful opportunity she gave me.

[abitbroken]

 

My reason for asking is two-fold: 1) I have a couple of friends who are considering adoption, but they are taking a lot of things into consideration before doing so, including the potential long-term emotional impact on the child;

 

Sure, being adopted might impact a child emotionally, but not being adopted impacts them more! If the couple adopts/doesn't adopt, the bio parents of that child still made the decision to give the child up or the decision was made for them (they died, wildly unfit, etc). Its not like the child gets adopted if someone wants them but stays with their bio parents if not. Kids that don't get adopted end up waiting in foster homes. So really the question is if the couple wants to deal with the emotional things the child will go through rather than what impact it has on the child, but on the other hand, the child may not go through anything more major than a typical child who was not adopted goes through. Biological kids can go through phases of hating their parents, etc., just as much. they have a choice to adopt an infant or a very young child, or they can adopt an older child. I have friends who adopted toddlers from overseas and I have a relative who was adopted into my family who was probably about a year old or slightly younger. He is 60 years old now (not my dad). He was born in the same state, and lived within 15 miles of where he had been born.

 

Btw, they may want to become foster parents first to help them decide or it can put them on the fast track to adopting - less hurdles to jump when they are ready.

[Nerdyjock]

Hi browneyedgirl,

 

did your ex, who is an adoptee, happen to have issues identifying his sexual orientation? If so, we may have the same ex in common!

 

In all seriousness, my understanding of the scientific literature involving adoptees would lead me to say that the effects of adoption are probably more visible the later on in life the child is adopted.

 

I would support your friends in their desire to adopt. I mean, what is the alternative for the potential child? To not have parents? That is even worse than being adopted would ever be, in my opinion.

[Seraphim]

I think it would be best for the adopted child to know about adoption very early on. Don't wait until they are older to tell them, I would tell them when they are very young. Just explain that there are many different types of families with different children, no one is "better" than the others, and that you love all the same and that they are your child and always will be.

 

I think the world of people who adopt, btw. Can you tell?

 

 

Victoria, that is a HEART BREAKING story.

 

 

Both stories are pretty sad actually. My mom's best friend the one rejected by her bio mom is now dead. My "aunt" was shot to death by her ex husband. Her bio mom does not even know she is dead, and nor do her 2 half sisters even know she existed.She has been gone 20 years now. It is really sad.

 

As far as my ex best friend she was always a bit "off", I do not think that was so much to do with being adopted, but may it does a bit because she has HUGE abandonment issues. Mostly though she uses people for whatever she needs them for and then she ditches them. She ditched her adoptive parents after she found her bio mother. I am sure the minute her bio mother does something she does not like she will ditch her too. But her bio mom is so busy feeling guilty and buying her things and baby sitting her kids to weeks on end and my friend is more than happy her mother feels this way so she can use her.

 

All of it is super sad.