What does this mean?

[JerkBrokeMe]

Abridged backstory: This is week 9 (10 on Mon) of the breakup. We've remained on good terms, he's wanted to see me and stay friends. Neither of us are seeing other people. We haven't said a single nasty word to eachother throughout the breakup. He still tells me I'm his best friend. He still tells me I'm beautiful. He still tells me I'm the sweetest girl he's ever met. We broke up because we were fighting too much. After the breakup he started drinking way too much and going out too much. He now seems to have it under control for the moment anyway.

 

About 2 weeks ago I told him we could no longer be friends (to which he cried and begged me to change my mind), but I haven't stuck to it very well. Basically what changed is now theres a wedge between us that wasn't there before, things are kind of awkward sometimes and we don't hang out anymore. We were hanging out once a week prior - all his initiation. And it always felt natural; no awkwardness. But we still have communication.

 

So, back to the point, sometime around week 5 or 6 of the breakup he asked he could come with my family (he was close to my family. Spent his birthday, holidays, etc with us instead of his own) when my sister has her baby. He seemed very sincere. I told him he could.

 

I gave him every opportunity to say he wanted to come as the time came closer. She was being induced, we knew the date the baby would come. He never mentioned it again. I gave him a heads up the day before by writing him a quick one line email stating that she was going to be induced the next day. When I ran into him the day I was leaving to go to the hospital he, again, opted not to ask if he could come and chose to spend his night playing handball..

 

Anyway, day of delivery (this past Tues) he called and asked how things were going. Everything was fine but all of a sudden he was crying. I kept asking what was wrong and he just continued crying. Eventually he told me he was upset that he was missing the birth and wished he was there. He has been very unemotional throughout the breakup. He cried when he broke up with me. He cried when I said we couldn't be friends. Other than that, he's acted like everything is fine.

 

When she was born I emailed him (and others) a picture. Within seconds he posted it on his facebook??? He called me to tell me he got the picture and I asked if he showed his mom. He said he did but then he started to cry again so he walked away from her.

 

I updated him throughout the day and every single time he would cry. He asked me to tell my sister and her husband that he was sorry he missed it and that he loved them. He was so emotional that I asked him if he had been drinking. He hadn't been.

 

Now, he was friends with them, but never once said he loved them or called them or hung out with them seperately from when they came over for family stuff. Aside from them being my family, their relationship was more of an acquaintance level.

 

My question is, is this him showing some sign of regret for his overall decision to not be a real part of my life anymore? Again, he was close to my family, but it was through me. He wouldn't spend time with them without me or anything. It wasn't THAT kind of close. And he hasn't made any effort to stay in their lives since we broke up.

 

I was just shocked that he was even interested in the progress of the labor, let alone getting so upset about missing it. I just don't understand him. And I don't think he understands himself.

[trezeralietas]

I don't think he understands himself.

 

I think this says a lot. He seems confused about what he wants. It sounds like you were right in your decision to put your friendship on hold for a while. At the moment he gets the benefit of your company and support without having any commitment to you. He probably needs time to miss you so he can decide how he wants you to be in his life.

 

My husband did the same thing. He told me he wanted to separate and the next day my sister and her kids were in town visiting. When I spoke about going to hang out with them, he got all teary and said he's going to miss my family, etc. He still didn't change his mind about leaving me. So, I think they are just dealing with the reality of their choices. I don't think they always think about what it means when they break up with someone.

[jakel]

Was he a big drinker during or prior to your relationship ?

[WildChild]

I think they are just dealing with the reality of their choices. I don't think they always think about what it means when they break up with someone.

 

This. He needs to realize it on a whole other level, and he's just getting to that level. There's no crystal ball to say whether he would come back for not, but this is the critical time he's in right now and what he's showing you. This may be the turning point for him, to realize the reality of his choice, and he needs to completely realize his decision even more, and that you're not there in a way that you used to be. I would remain in NC now, and if contact has to be done, be kind, but keep it to a very low minimum.

[doyathink]

How close was he to your sister? I mean....I may be way off here, and I dont know why this sticks out to me ....but this just seems weird. You're absolutely positive that this isnt HIS baby?

 

I hate to ask that

[JerkBrokeMe]

I don't think they always think about what it means when they break up with someone.

 

I guess thats what it boils down to. His first real taste of missing out on something important in my life. No major holidays or milestones have come up yet before this.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Was he a big drinker during or prior to your relationship ?

 

During times of stress. The anniversary of his brothers death was a big one.

[JerkBrokeMe]

This. He needs to realize it on a whole other level, and he's just getting to that level. There's no crystal ball to say whether he would come back for not, but this is the critical time he's in right now and what he's showing you. This may be the turning point for him, to realize the reality of his choice, and he needs to completely realize his decision even more, and that you're not there in a way that you used to be. I would remain in NC now, and if contact has to be done, be kind, but keep it to a very low minimum.

 

I just don't think I can do the NC. You know I respect your advice, you helped me in my previous thread and I agreed about going NC. But it just doesn't feel right. I think I just need to keep it to a minimum. I don't know. If my ultimate goal is to get back together, I think he's the kind of guy that NC will push away. Not like push into the arms of another, but just create a distance between us that will make getting back together impossible. I feel like I just need to be very careful with my contact and careful with the amount. I need to have clear boundaries. I go back and fourth on this topic every day though..

[JerkBrokeMe]

How close was he to your sister? I mean....I may be way off here, and I dont know why this sticks out to me ....but this just seems weird. You're absolutely positive that this isnt HIS baby?

 

I hate to ask that

 

lol. Its okay, but the answer is no. He wasn't close to her emotionally or geographically. And the baby has her daddies red hair. But that reminded me of the other weird part about him being so emotional. When he broke up with me he announced that he doesn't want kids even though we had discussed and planned on it for years. so it's not like he's baby crazy or anything.

[jakel]

the crying at the drop of the hat and cutting emotional ties high emotion followed by apathy and detachment reminded me of how I used to be when I was sober between binges Its been 11+ yrs since but I can still remember the desperation and agony of trying to grab on to something and pushing everyone away simultaneously. I was able to stay somewhat dry in a relationship temporarily but I always choose my true love in the end until I got some help. I have no idea if that's what is occurring with your ex though

[JerkBrokeMe]

the crying at the drop of the hat and cutting emotional ties high emotion followed by apathy and detachment reminded me of how I used to be when I was sober between binges Its been 11+ yrs since but I can still remember the desperation and agony of trying to grab on to something and pushing everyone away simultaneously. I was able to stay somewhat dry in a relationship temporarily but I always choose my true love in the end until I got some help. I have no idea if that's what is occurring with your ex though

 

He's pretty much been on a binge the entire 2.5 months we've been broken up. I've never seen him drink like that in the 9+ years we were together. After I told him we couldn't be friends he started to also drink at work and a couple of his coworkers got on his case about it. Finally someone other than me telling him he had issues with alcohol made him at least admit it. Its been about 2 weeks but as far as I know he hasn't been getting drunk since then.

 

On the phone, while I was at the hospital, he said he wants to stop drinking (I've heard it before, no real excitement there) and I told him I was glad because he was turning into a different person. I told him I missed the old, sweet, good natured him. He said he wanted to get back to that person as well. But I talked to him on the phone yesterday and he was very detached again.

 

The apathy and his ability to detach himself from emotions happened after his brother died. But I was always his support until he ended things.

 

When we were together he would have waves of drinking too much, I would talk to him about it, he would agree and cut it out. The worst of it would be around the anniversary of his brothers death and he would drink for about a week or two to an uncomfortable extent and then cut it out. After the drinking at work stuff one day, when he was happy to be around me, he said he wants to get help for his drinking. The next day he was, again, very detached and said "I'm not an alcoholic, I think I can still drink socially."

 

I'm glad you were able to get help. I hope he will too. I think if he gets grief counseling his issues with alcohol be very much diminished.

[WildChild]

I know what you mean about not feeling it's the right thing to do going full NC. My theory is this, is that a person needs to determine when or if they feel o.k. for contact. I'm not a firm believer in complete forever NC unless there is just cause, or there is no love lost between people. Meaning, I don't believe in never talking to your ex again kind of NC. I do however feel, especially in a situation like yours, is that there needs to be some kind of boundaries set or at least a period of time where there isn't contact because of the feelings you still have for him, and this is protect yourself and your feelings above anything else. Like I mentioned, keep contact to a minimum. This isn't saying go completely full NC at this point, because as you described he now breaks down when he talks to you. This is a critical time, because he may be at a period where he is really starting to feel the effects of you not being a constant presence in his life, nor he in yours. So if you keep contact to a minimum, you're still putting out there that you care but you're also still setting boundaries so that he knows he can't just have you in his life as a friend without thinking of your feelings as well. If his intentions with you is to be friends, and friends only, he needs to understand that you wanted more and until YOU can get to a point of being completely comfortable with that, it's only going to keep hurting you. So if you hear from him, I wouldn't ignore him. BUT, I don't know how much initiating I would do nor do I know how much 'putting yourself out there' in conversations I would get. He still needs to feel your loss, maybe not 100% gone loss, but that the feeling that you aren't going to allow him to keep waltzing in your life without understanding what he's doing to you as well. Obviously things have changed a bit since your one thread, so I do think this is a favorable turning point for you. But don't jump in full throttle or feet first quite yet in being in full contact with him. Dip your toes for a little bit longer. I don't want to see you push him out of your life completely either, and I hope that's how I'm coming accross. My mind is still a little fuzzy (morning, and not enough coffee yet lol).

 

I know in my case, if I heard from him I wouldn't ignore him. But, I'm not contacting him either. So unless or until I hear from him, or feel comfortable knowing every once of feelings for him are gone, he's not going to hear from me. Although he maybe having surgery, so if he does I plan on dropping him a card just to let him know I'm thinking about him.