Understanding Insecurities Regarding my Fiance's Past and ONS

[soporcogitavi]

My fiance told me that she had ONS before or would pickup guys at clubs, only if they were the best looking, because it helped her confidence and she liked the rush on meeting someone new back then. She also said it distracted her and that she thought poorly of guys (because of what her ex had done to her - he cheated)

 

My insecurity is that I worry that maybe she will seek to feel this way again, and maybe if her confidence is low for some reason, she'll desire to do these things again, or maybe at some point she'll get bored of me and seek the thrill of a new relationship.

 

Can her past behavior and reasons for acting the way she did be indicative of a deeper issue?

 

Im not insecure about myself or my appearance, I wonder though maybe is she with me because im a good guy, I can provide her with a secure life. I know before we met she never even thought of marriage or having kids before. Now we're getting married in a couple of months and she wants to have kids.

 

Honestly, I think its normal to have some insecurities or questions in a relationship, especially considering that we're getting married.

 

I spoke to her a little bit about this, and she told me: "that after her last relationship ended, she did not want a boyfriend, she didn't really have a lot of trust in men, so it was perfectly convenient for her to just hook up with someone and that’s it, and it helped her confidence knowing that other guys were attracted to her"

 

She told me "I liked having a man in my life, I just didn’t want anything serious and it was good for my confidence" She told me "at the time we met I was ready for something else, something serious, but only with the right person"

 

She only went through this phase once, it was about 5 ONS over the course of 6 months or so. She calls it a phase and say's she said the phase ran its course and she was ready to for something more when we met.

 

I do know that she had the opportunity to have a relationship many time and she chose to keep it casual and not get too involved emotionally until she met me. I just personally don’t see how its so easy to go from having ONS and partying to going into the most committed relationship of your life.

Maybe im just freaking out and maybe asking these questions are normal, but just asking for some honest opinions here. It seems to me she made a pretty radical change from being promiscuous to being with me and getting married.

I know alot of the feedback I had been getting is I have to resolve this, and deal with this before I get married, which I realize but Im not coming here to get advice on that, I want to know if these are Red Flags, something I should be worried about.

 

If you need anymore insight or info just let me know.

[Batya33]

I certainly think people can change. The man I would have chosen (and came very close to choosing -we were engaged) at 23 was a very different person, and had a different relationship with me, than the man I chose 15 years later. It sounds like your fiance isn't proud of that phase or remembers it as incredible fun. In a way, she had her taste of that lifestyle so it's not an issue of "doesn't know what she's missing".

You might want to ask her if she's thought about what she would do if she once again feels unconfident in some area of her life. Has she thought of constructive or at least neutral ways to deal with that? You know, just like some people know that exercising outdoors can help combat feelings of depression better than a pint of icecream (and some might disagree, of course!)

 

Good luck!

[iBroken]

You posted this thread already and have received replies here?

 

You are going to have to suck it up. Her past is her past and has no bearing on your relationship.

[testcase]

Ahhhhhhh are you just copying and pasting now from your old threads? I don't agree with hex often but I agree with him in the last thread where he said your looking for no risk and to control everything. You can't do that! You're obsessing about this and it's not healthy. You can't do anything about it. You either accept that yes she had some ONS or you should leave her. I think this was brought up in an older thread but how old are you? I'm at a point in my life where most of the girl I see have had a fairly serious sexual past and a lot of them are looking to settle down. I'm the same way!

 

You say, "I just personally don’t see how its so easy to go from having ONS and partying to going into the most committed relationship of your life." Isn't that what most single people do? You're single living it up, then you find someone who is right in every way and you want to make a commitment.

[soporcogitavi]

You posted this thread already and have received replies here?

 

You are going to have to suck it up. Her past is her past and has no bearing on your relationship.

 

The reason I posted here is because I realized its more of a relationship question and there were some things I hadnt put together.

 

But can't the way people act in certain situations define how they may act in the future, dont people revert to old behaviors sometimes. Behaviors that compose the foundations of who they are?

[soporcogitavi]

Im 30. But I dont agree that most single people have ONS until they find someone they want to commit to, and yes I am obsessing about this and it is unhealthy I know.

 

And I thought it would make more sense to put everything together to give better insight.

[testcase]

Hmm. Well I'm not too sure what to say man. I guess if you can't get over it I really think it'd be better to just not marry this girl. Lot's of people have ONS, fun. Not everyone obviously, but a good deal of people. That doesn't mean they are bad people or even have bad morals, that's just where they were at the time. I guess you've never been there, and for some reason you think her doing that was because of insecurities or something like that. If she said she did it because she just wanted to have some fun and hook up, would that sit better with you?

[soporcogitavi]

Hmm. Well I'm not too sure what to say man. I guess if you can't get over it I really think it'd be better to just not marry this girl. Lot's of people have ONS, fun. Not everyone obviously, but a good deal of people. That doesn't mean they are bad people or even have bad morals, that's just where they were at the time. I guess you've never been there, and for some reason you think her doing that was because of insecurities or something like that. If she said she did it because she just wanted to have some fun and hook up, would that sit better with you?

 

While I'm not exactly keen on the fact that she had ONS. its not so much the act the bothers me, but reasoning, logic and behavior behind it. I know im a strong person mentally and I can get over it, I myself am trying to look for insight into this, to make sense of it.

 

I can tell you one thing, If I met her again, and knew what I did right off the bat when I met her, I would still marry her, I would still fall in love with her. I just need to make sense of this for me.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

There is no deeper issue with her. The deeper issue lies within you.

 

I have browsed the other thread a bit. This seems to be eating you up inside.

 

Personally, I would rather marry someone that got out there a little and figured out what she wanted in life and in a mate. Physically as well as emotionally.

 

My wife admitted to some things she did when she was single. Instead of harping on it or letting it tear me up inside, I applaud her for getting that out of her system before putting a ring on my finger. Lord knows that my single days didn't consist of sitting around reading bible verses.

 

Sit her down, discuss the issue with her (cause you aren't going to grow old with any of us here on this forum), and see if you two can come to some sort of understanding.

 

If she hasn't violated your trust she deserves your trust.

 

There are women and men out there that will betray you in a heartbeat. If you know she is trustworthy, quit worrying about "future behavior". No guarantees in this life.

 

Marriage is a roll of the dice and, quite frankly, you don't sound even close to being ready to shake, rattle and roll.

 

Good luck to you.

[lostandhurt]

I thought this looked familiar!

 

You are trying to make this into something it isn't....... She didn't know you then but you are trying to make this about you. She didn't give her heart to these guys, she is giving it to you. I hate this double standard. When I was younger and didn't understand my ego like I do now I would have had a problem just like you and in fact had to deal with something like this myself. I didn't like the thought of her with other guys but who was I to judge her? We were together for 20 years and when I pulled my head out of my butt it was easy to get past this.

Your fiance had sex with guys she hardly knew. That was her choice and now she has chosen to fall in love with you and marry you. What more do you want? Virgins are not very common these days so either Man Up or postpone the wedding. Her reasons and logic are hers. Even if she simply told you "I was horny and wanted to have sex with a different guy once a month for 6 months" that should be good enough for you.

 

In 5 years you will look back and think just how selfish and stupid you were for thinking these thoughts. I know I did.

 

You know you answered your own question anyways. You would fall in love and ask her to marry you anyways even if you knew all this from day one. If you can't get past this it is time to set her free so she can find a man that is more understanding and has his ego in check.

 

Lost

[Batya33]

Of course past behavior can predict future behavior. But you have to take each situation individually -what the mistake was, how the person views her mistake, what she did to insure she wouldn't make the same mistake again etc.

I never had a ONS nor did I feel the need to have casual encounters in order to be ready to commit so I don't agree that it's a good or typical practice. I do think she seems very responsible and mature and honest about her past msitakes.

[soporcogitavi]

Thank you, you're right I did answer my own question.

[Wager]

I would gently suggest you trying extrapolating and focusing on only the positive here, for the opposite is clearly going to continuously worry and eat at you. Look how forthright she has been in discussing these experiences with you and reassuring you. If you want to derive information about her character from her past, I would view it as giving her much credit for being excruciatingly honest and regardless if it was warranted or not, she has been seemingly endlessly compassionate and understanding of your insecurities and she continues to comfort and console you.

 

As far as your concern that she may be interested in repeating or revisiting these past exchanges, I truly see no basis for this concern. She seems to have chosen you and you alone without reservation. If she wanted to continue to live a life unfettered by the bonds of a relationship, she could have easily done so. But she chose you, she wants you, and you alone. I would heartily caution you about continually testing this concept, for while I do not think she would cheat on you or turn to another, you could eventually drive her away by constantly checking to see if she will go.

 

All this likely sounds easier said than done, I am sure, but sometimes, you just have to deliberately rewire your thought process with repeated and consistent patterns of pre-programmed thoughts. In other words, every time you find yourself revisiting these concerns and what-if scenarios, stop. Stop right there. Turn your thoughts to something you already have laid out to consider, even if you have to write up a pack of index cards with happy memories the two of you have shared together, or cute inside jokes you exchange, shared goals for the future - anything positive or productive. Switch off your negative thoughts by cutting them off midstream, shoving them right out a mental front door and slamming it behind them. Stop giving them the stage to try to sway your ideas about this woman or your relationship. They have had enough of the spotlight and it has gotten you nowhere good. I am normally all for introspection and thorough contemplation, but in your case, this seems only to be doing harm and you have clearly wrung every ounce of consideration out of your anxieties and concerns without finding anything amidst them to give them real substance. So stop giving them fodder to root and grow and contaminate your thoughts, feelings and ultimately, your relationship. Cut them out completely. Do not give them the opportunity to lurk back in and poison your mind all over again. Resolve to simplify this to an approximation of that ol' kindergarten rule - if you cannot think something nice about this woman and her past, think nothing at all.

 

The index card idea may seem or feel sort of silly, but it will be an easy and already prepared way of restructuring your thought process to better serve you and your partner, and safeguard your relationship. Align yourself with her, against these unfounded and unhelpful worries. Do not let them triumph over you and your future happiness.

 

I wish you and your beloved all the best, in this and all things. Focus on your future - I hope it is incredibly rewarding and healthy for you both! Congratulations on your impending wedding!

 

Wager

[Day_Walker]

She had a 6 month period of promiscuity after her relationship ended where her bf cheated on her. I would say that she was going through her process a grieving and needed to feel attractive (because her bf cheated on her). I think her behavior was just reactionary to the break up. I think that if you re-examined the situation her behavior made sense, she was dealing with the break up in the way she felt she needed. I think that youre over thinking this issue.

[hexaemeron]

Apparently this bears repeating, on one of your 900 previous threads on this exact same issue Here's what I told you:

 

First off, you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that you have or could have total control over what happens. You don't. You just have to make your choices as best you can, do your best to follow through with them in good faith and whatever happens happens. You're crumbling now because you're coming to that conclusion. "I can't control what happens." -- Get over it, no one can. The sooner you realize this and embrace it, the sooner you'll be able to realize...

 

...the only thing you have control over is your actions, and your reactions to outside stimuli. You have total control over how you act, what you do, how you feel (inside), how fit/healthy/sane you are. So, if you want to control things, control those. Do your best and be proud of your best. If your best isn't enough, do better. Push yourself into uncomfortable places. Struggle and strive for more and be even more proud of that.

 

You have all the tools necessary to be healthy, happy and SANE. Just use them.

 

You have to live it. Otherwise, you'll just never get over this.

[avman]

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