sherryberrypie Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Such a great quote. I think that sometimes things change from "love" to "staying the course" Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 edit...wanted to say something but wont. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 Such a great quote. I think that sometimes things change from "love" to "staying the course" Hey Sherry, It is from a movie, I have always liked that quote and it is true, love can heal and destroy, it depends. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 Yesterday in church we met a couple who are from our home. I have been looking at them a while when I see them thinking I know them but I did not where from. I have lived in so many places in my life it could be from any place. Yesterday they were seated in front of us. Finally the fellow turned around after Mass and said to my husband "were you an officer in.....unit in.....?" "Yes" " Oh well I am.... and we were in the same unit together." They moved here 7 years ago when this fellow went Reg Force. His wife said to me" I remember moving to this pit in the known universe 7 years ago. I remember knowing no one. It sucked SO much. We should all get together." It was SO nice to see someone from home. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 "You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong. Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead. So complicated, look happy, you'll make it Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game. It's enough; I've done all I can think of. Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same. Woah ohh, pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than perfect. Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, You're perfect to me. " That is what I am looking for someone to feel about me. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 Yay! My son has chosen a name for his Confirmation.... the Arch Angel Michael. I told him it is a fine name, and a very noble choice for God's warrior Angel. It is also my brother's middle name. So he has my brother's first name as his first middle name and my brother's middle name as his Confirmation name. So happy about that. His dad wanted him to pick the Patron Saint of England after his Confirmation name but my son has no real link with the UK. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 I hate dreaming most of the time I really do. I had the scariest dream last night. For whatever reason I was in this very old fashioned dress, like circa 1700`s. I was trying to beat off this demon who was licking and nibbling my flesh he could get to.Then he started ripping my clothes and his intent was clear. I was screaming in my dream and shoving him away. I woke at about 1:30 AM screaming and my heart pounding and breathing hard. Then when I went back to sleep I had a dream my mother pushed me out a window of a house and was prepared to let me fall and die. I hate night time. Link to comment
rocio Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Oh, that's just awful. I had a dream last night that I was at some kind of huge conference and all my classmates from high school were there. Someone started mocking me over the speakers and the crowd started cheering. I tried to defend myself and they booed me. It sucked. Do you often have suck scary dreams Victoria? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 I have had violent dreams every night for almost 31 years. I am used to them. Some I find worse than others and I wake screaming. I do not like the ones though where my parents try to kill me though. They disturb me. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 Wow we really are shaped by experiences. Hm, I just CAN NOT re shape my version of what a friend is. I would dearly love to. There are things people include that I would love to include but I just can NOT bring down that barrier. I can not even get to thinking about trying to do it. I fear that wall may be forever. Wow, that is depressing. Link to comment
Alezia Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I have violent dreams, but never any including my parents wanting to kill me. If someone wants to kill me it's usually this external deamon or monster. They are never human beings I can recognize or especially not my family. That is scary! I have a lot of dreams recently where I realize I am dreaming. Sometimes I try to wake myself up purpousely. That never goes anywhere though. I usally have this weird cycle where I dream that I am waking up. The only time I manage to wake myself up is when I kill myself in my dreams, but I can't consciously put myself in that type of situation. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 I have violent dreams, but never any including my parents wanting to kill me. If someone wants to kill me it's usually this external deamon or monster. They are never human beings I can recognize or especially not my family. That is scary! I have a lot of dreams recently where I realize I am dreaming. Sometimes I try to wake myself up purpousely. That never goes anywhere though. I usally have this weird cycle where I dream that I am waking up. The only time I manage to wake myself up is when I kill myself in my dreams, but I can't consciously put myself in that type of situation. Yeah, those kinds of dreams really suck. One comes particularily to mind. One where my father tried to cut my heart out with a knife. I could feel him cutting through my chest and pulling my heart out and I watched it beat in his hands and he was laughing and said I deserved it. That one woke me screaming too. People try to kill me every night in my dreams. Mostly they are people I do not know. Link to comment
Alezia Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Has your son ever tried to kill you by any chance? (Not that it's funny by any means, just curious) Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 Has your son ever tried to kill you by any chance? (Not that it's funny by any means, just curious) My son, no. When I dream of him I dream that he is lost and I can not find him and I am in utter panic or people are trying to kill him and I am trying my utmost to save him and offer my life for his. Link to comment
Alezia Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 That's mostly what I had imagined you would say, since I sometimes have those dreams too. Thank god though. I'm not sure I could deal with the other way around. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 Yup. I would DIE if I lost my son. That is it. Done finished. Throw me in his casket alive, I do not care. I know I would never survive his loss and probably die myself from a broken heart. No person has ever meant more to me and nor ever will. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 I HATE being emotionally vulnerable. It is the thing I HATE most in life. I just want to slam those brick walls up fast and never let people past them. I always regret letting them down. I do not know where the regret comes from. Fear? Anger? Resentment? Broken trust? My own messed up sense of expectations? Probably all of it. Whatever it is I am just in "back off " mode. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 Hold on Hold on to yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell Hold on Hold on to yourself you know that only time will tell What is it in me that refuses to believe this isn't easier than the real thing My love you know that you're my best friend you know I'd do anything for you my love let nothing come between us my love for you is strong and true Am I in heaven here or am I... at the crossroads I am standing So now you're sleeping peaceful I lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile accross your face Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me I know that we've never talked before oh god the man I love is leaving won't you take him when he comes to your door Am I in heaven here or am I in hell at the crossroads I am standing So now you're sleeping peaceful I lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll see another day and we will praise it and love the light that brings a smile accross your face... Hold on hold on to yourself for this is gonna hurt like hell Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 Sigh.... hot flash, irritated and feeling stupid. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 When I got up this morning I was thinking about my husband's proposal so long ago, 21 years ago. How he proposed with no ring but just on spur of the moment because he felt I was so glorious and sweet and kind.It was not really romantic at least traditionally,but it was heart felt in the moment, like him. It was just so him. I thought it was the sweetest thing. I still remember the place, I hope that tree is still there. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 Trying to find anything to make myself feel good today.......sigh..........sometimes it is such a trial. That is my cross I guess and everyone has one. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 I am just on a big downward at the moment of self loathing. I have a hard time with that. In those times I have a hard time even fighting my way out of a paper bag. Link to comment
rocio Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 That sucks. If I lived on base, we'd go for a walk and I'd cheer you up. Hope your day gets better! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 Awwwwwwww thanks!! I need to reprogramme my head. My head has been programmed by a lot of abuse and I tend to talk to myself in bad ways. It really drags me down some times. Link to comment
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