Advice....PLEASE!!!

[Blanket]

to be more familiar you can read my previous threads...But I REALLY NEED ADVICE.

 

To start, right now I feel ANGRY at myself, USED, taken for a fool, shocked that he is that person he showed himseld to be. When I called him Sunday he did not pick up. He did not have the decency to tell me listen I got your message on Friday and I'm not to thrilled you said you were unhappy so I'm moving on. Instead he COMPLETELY ignores me and doesn't call me back. I"M NOT EXPECTING A CALL!!! He is a piece of * * * * that has no consideration for anyone but himself, I would be stupid and foolish to think someone as callous as him would have that type of sympathy for another human being.

 

MY QUESTION IS THIS: I know there are stages to a healing process, and I want to know because I interrupted it with "trying to work it out" with him does that mean I'm going to go through them all. I know this is kind of subjective but if I could just get a few opinions that would be great.

 

This is where I'm at right now.....

-I'm NOT IN DENIAL at all!!! I know he's a piece of * * * * and will never call. I"VE COME TO ACCEPT IT AND I DONT CARE!!! whats funny though, is I know that in a month- a few month's he''ll come running back like the * * * * * that he is and I'm going to love to tell him to go F himself for life and never call me again AND IF ever, and thats a FAT IF ever I learn to let this go in a few months down the road he'll have to go through great lengths to even get me to hear him out!!!!!

-I"M ANGRY!!! Clearly ^^ but angry at myself not even him. It's not even about him anymore. I'm angry at myself for falling for his BS but at times I cry. But those tears only last so long until I remind myself the person he is now. I get sad thinking about the person he was and how amazing he was then I stop myself and remind myself of what he did to me NOW, and that he's not that guy anymore.

 

advice....

 

Thanks

[Jd1983]

It sounds as though you're already on your way to recovery.

 

Just take it one day at a time, and keep reminding yourself of the reasons why you don't want him.

 

You'll be alright.

[SapphireNoir10]

Get the anger out of your system.

 

One step at a time, like JD says, one day at a time. Keep reminding yourself you deserve BETTER

[meerschwein]

I agree with sapphire & jd- get the anger out, concentrate on the reasons why you deserve better if you find yourself waffling or missing him- then work on healing yourself.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

first... i understand being angry with yourself.. but stop. You did nothing wrong. You believed the words of someone you wanted to trust .. you took a chance... and it didn't work out. That's not your fault.

 

Second... ahhh the wonderfully fustrating angry stage when you want to scream at them until you have nothing left to say .. you are on your way to recovery my friend.

 

Be kind to yourself.

[Blanket]

Thanks for the replies. I feel better and when I do think about him it only makes me angry and sick to my stomach. The only thing I'm worried about is that this upcoming Monday I have my friens funeral to attend and he's going to be there. And it's going to be such an emotional draining day that I don't want to deal with him. I'm hoping I can dodge him somehow and pay my respects and leave. My friend knows what's happening up above so I'm sure he'll understand.

[homebody]

It's okay to be angry. Post it here, but don't call him again. It gets to a point where you are kind of harassing the person and just makes you feel worse. Would you call back if someone left a terse message on your vm? He knows your unhappy, how long do you want to go on about it with him? What do you want him to do exactly about it? Make you feel better, he won't, only you can do that. Start by leaving him alone and focusing on yourself to heal. When you feel like calling wait 2 hours, the feeling will pass. I broke NC earlier this week just to get the same answers I got at the break up and now I feel stupid too. I am committed to not calling anymore and asking more questions or worse to berate him. Just post here when you are angry and stop calling, please, for your own good.

[jonesyjakk]

I POSTED THIS ON ANOTHER READ I MADE! GIVE IT YOUR TIME.

 

 

How am i gonna be nice to her

Everyone tells me I have to be nice to her, but why? why should I be nice? I've been nice for nearly 9 years, why the HELL should I be nice? This is what I make of everything.

 

When someone tells you to be NICE to your ex, do it, no matter what, just do it. I mean what's the point? What am I trying to achieve? What is it that my ex has really done to me that makes me so angry? what is it? why? I can't understand this at all, all i know is I need a ten year degree to even make sense of the smallest thing, and I haven't got ten years to get this right in my head. Never have I been through something like this, all I know is, I have to be NICE and nothing else will suffice!

 

What's happened then? well, we met in a night club, she was 19 and I just turned 20. We had a core group of friends and we fell so hard for eachother, it was amazing. we were so in love. I moved to her city with her and we lived together almost from day one.

 

We did everything, we have been through so much, fights, make ups, everything, she had an eptopic pregnancy, we had a kid, we've gotten engaged, bought a car, shared houses, moved houses, been on holiday, she's held me through the dark times, i held her. we talked, we screamed, we shouted we sat and hugged, we walked we kissed we danced, we partied, we loved we hated we chased we did everything in this time we possibly could do....the only thing left for us to do together.....WAS BREAK UP!

 

Well this came around 3 months ago.....its hard, shock, upset, hurt, anger and now i am trying to be nice and understand what she has done. I accept my part of the split, i do. Communication went, problems arose and we couldn't talk about it....our relationship was doomed! I had struggled finding work, she had just lost herself and I had become fed up of being there.....we were done!

 

So, I get home one day and she says we're through, she moved all her stuff into the spare room and that was that. I was ok, because I felt relief....I would be ok now if she hadn't have confused things. We came to a good arrangement with our son and I moved back to my home city.

 

PROBLEMS!!!!

 

The problems for me started when she said I have to keep texting you, I want to know when our son has gone to bed, what he gets up to I want to know he is ok, and I will text you the same. I left my ex a note, saying I loved her and if this bu was what she wanted then she had to leave me alone. she said it is what I want but I have to text!!!

 

So the texts began...and they were nice, hope you are ok, hi daddy, hi mummy all that rubbish until I snapped and said I wanted you back...she said no...I begged after 2 weeks she said no...i begged and begged and she said no no no no! then it hit me...BOOM! ITS OVER!

 

How was I gonna live without her? I just don't know! There were signs that she had already met someone else, I was blind at the time, dissapearing to "MEET HER FRIENDS" yeah right, all the signs were there, i even dropped my son off one day to find a key had been posted through the letterbox, someone stayed....could have been her friend....could have been the new guy...who knows but the signs were there!

 

Anyway, so for 6 weeks after the bu I was a mess, emotionally drained, i have to see her friends, her parents, i have to see her all for my kid, she never has to see my friends, my familly, nothing, she moved out of our house and got her own place, she said to me it was just accross the road from the centre of town...then when it came to picking up my son she said oh parking is hard and its hard to find so i can drop our son to you.....hahaha i wonder why she never wanted me going there? NEW GUY!!!!

 

So, anyway, after 6 weeks i said i will never ask you back, i want you to leave me alone and we will only talk for our son. Then she replied, ok, heres a x from him! So I was doing fine with my recovery, still checked my phone every so often but nothing, no i miss you texts or i want you back texts nothing....im glad in a way because for the first 6 weeks i was in such a dark place i couldnt even read her texts, i had to delete some of them because it was so painful to look at.

 

So leading up to the 12 week mark i was doing ok, getting happier but always wondering about is she seeing someone???? I had bumped into one of her friends bf's and he never said, but i could tell she was with someone, he just gave that vibe and I knew, so its possible she has been with him a while....it is possible she is almost living with him.....but i don't need to ask...i know my son is safe....and as long as I see him everything is ok.

 

A FEW DAYS BEFORE 12 WEEKS!

 

Her granddad dies....the only thing ive said to her away from my son was i am here for you if you need me......she said thanks means alot....i spoke to her best friend and look after her, and i wish i could give her a hug...there was anawkward silence and I KNEW it was because of another guy.

 

I mean everyone knew, except for me.....everyone....and then bang on 12 weeks....bang on to the day.....I GET A TEXT!!! I am seeing someone, i dont want to hurt you anymore and i want you to be so happy. Im sorry.

 

Hahaha, i was ok, i actually laughed at how cowardly she had been, she couldnt even tell me to my face even though i was seeing her the next day to get my son.

 

I repleied i was happy for her now she has to leave me alone, she said she understands. Then i spoke to a friend who said she had seen her, the new guy and my son shopping 7 days ago together. this angered me alot, i wondered how long this guy has been in my sons life and i was livid, though i refused to say anything to my ex about as i will show her that i am not bothered by it, after all i know my son is safe with her. with him, its the only thing i trust her, that she would not put him danger.

 

The next day I saw her and picked up my son and said nothing, she said you can speak to me, i said i didnt want to, she huffed and sped off in her car.

 

we didn't speak for a week, during the week i said i am ok with her seeing someone, but i am soooooo angry that she hasn't been honest, though i never said this to her, but my anger grew and grew and grew and i was seething. a week passed by and i had to drop my son back to her, i promised myself i would be nice. why? because i am ok with everthing i want to show her i am ok without her in my life.

 

So she showed up, she looked at my like trash and had an expretion of here i am so lets get this over with.....it was like a guy just took over my body and i couldnt even face her, my son ran to her and i said bye to him got in my car and drove off.

 

I REGRETED IT IMMEDIATELY

 

I promised myself to be nice, becuase i wanted to show her that her actions do not affect me. i accept my part of our demise and i want to accept she is a coward and heartless girl to text me and not be honest with me, i want to accept that that is just who she is and i am fine, when i can do that i can simply just be nice, but i dont want her feeling she has gotten away with treating me like crap but again why? it doesn't matter how she has treated me...all that matters is i show her that my life is better without her, i have changed for the better and i am here for my son, not her!

 

so i have to be nice, to smile, to let whatever she has done pass, to let her be a heartless b""tch and smile back and say what you have done holds no affect on me, because when i leave your presence i am going to a better life, a place that makes me so much more happier than when i am with you.

 

I promise to not jump into a relationship, like she has, to not let my fickle friends influence my choices, to take time to completely heal, and show that i am a good person and she lost a prize, a catch, a good man with good morales and father who couldn't possibly do anymore for his family.

 

I promise to be nice, i have done it for nearly 9 years of our relationship, i am far better than the bitter angry man i have been, i am better than that, i am better than letting her get me that way, i let her do all the things she has done to me, so if anything i should be angry at me first.....she saw an oppourtunitu and went for it.

 

I see her sunday now, its her b'day monday....my son will have a card for her, and a small box of choclates, he will give them to her and I will say happy b'day for tomorrow. see you next week. bye.

 

I can do it, i can let this anger go, if not for me or her, but for our son, so he can have a normal upbringing as he can, from being shunted from home to home, tossed back and fore in car parks and seeing his parents angry and bitter and confused!!! this has to stop for him, im getting back to me, and me is a nice guy, im not a bad boy, im a good guy, with a good head on my shoulders, and no matter what she throws at me i can take it with a smile, and simply say thanks for that, see you soon.

 

I want my happiness, but ultimately i want my son to be happy, i want him to be able to smile, i want him to have fun, have a life, have to loving parents....i dont see us ever working things out, but being civil and gritting my teeth is what i have to do, and so be it.....inside i am angry, i am livid, i am seething inside....she has let another guy in the door....i am p122ed off, but on the surface....i am nice, i can smile, i can say have a nice life and mean it.....i can do it....its hard to forgive someone who has tortured you, but they to have a right to happiness regardless if they step on your toes.

 

My toes are flat, she stamped on them hard, but i am still standing and i can still walk...so no need to be angry, none, i will forget what she did, i will, i will be nice when i see her, and it will get smilier smilier as time goes by....no more theres your son and jumoing in the car and going.....none of that....its time for swallowing the angry pill and * * * * * ting it out the other end....and flushing the chain on it!

 

This is my challenge, to better myself is to forget....forget what she did, accept it is who she is and has become....forgive her for the hurt, forgive myself...and go about my day with a rocking big smile....its gonna be tough...but this is it, right here, when a man puts a gun in your face you can stand there and die or you can smile without fear and accept whatever will be.....show no fear into the eyes of an aggressor and they will fear your level of acceptance for whatever they do to you will not hurt you!

 

and that my friends, is why i can be nice to my ex, that is why i can smile at her, and keep my emotional baggage in check....if you want to better yourself.....accept whatever they have done to you is just who they are, and without letting them walk all over you simply smile and i say its ok, i accept it. No matter what....be nice and smile.

 

Imagine when you were a kid, and around your friends you were swearing and smoking and drinking in the park, but you knew the moment you got home, you'd have to stop swearing aotherwise you'd get a hiding, if you lit up a cigarette your dad would make you eat the pack, and if you cracked open some cider your mum would tip the bottle over your head.....well same applies to your ex, say what you like to your friends, get all the venting out, and know when you see your ex.....she will make you eat the packet of cigarettes if you light up infront of her!!!!! just a little image to leave you with.

 

 

see you soon.

 

and on that note, i am off to be a nice guy

 

I wish you all happiness and all my love

 

 

Jonesy