homebody

Day 5, I guess he will start to feel relieved soon that I am gone. I'm pretty sure he does not know what he has done...but I do. One day these thoughts will stop. I am holding my head up still and hoping it gets easier. I still feel empty. Going out to my fav restaurant where we used to go, but this time with friends. This is good for me though I feel so bad., but its something I must do, like the many more things I will do without him.

Day 3, I think. ugh so angry tonight. I want to text a bunch crazy accusations and insults straight from my hurting heart. But I won't I, will maintain radio silence. I know for a brief moment I will be relieved then wake up the next day and feel awful. I know is possible my next relationship will be rebound crap and I am not looking forward to that. I am lonely. I feel cheated and wasted on. I am ashamed for being weak, I should have walked last month when I wanted to. I can try to be strong now...it's just so hard.

The more I think the angrier I get, so I have to stop thinking. This is so hard. * * * is wrong with you? What hell did that ex woman have that was so great she still has a hold over you. That her ghost has ruined our relationship. I hear your excuses but I know it all boils down to that cheating * * * * * . Why can't you just let that * * * * go?! Oh my God who are you? How can you say you love me and treat me this way? Nothing from you on V-Day, not even how are you? That hurts so much I can't speak it. You are so selfish, you cannot rise above anything. How can you help people, be there for strangers, but never there for me. You take, but never give, at least not to me. You feel so much for others, what about me? Oh guilt, tons of guilt. You look in the mirror and you say you don't like what you see, me neither! You are selfish with your love, you don't know what love is. Love is more than a feeling and a word, it's action. What have you done action wise to show your love? Take from me, never ever give, never share, who taught you this? You want to be friends, how are you my friend? HOW? I don't hear from you for days, and you love me? How do you treat the people you hate? When you came over that day, did you know you wanted out, why not say so why do I have to contact you to find out...you cowardly bastard? You took love from me, a gift from me, knowing you were going to break my heart. That is despicable. You are garbage wrapped in a nice suit. You don't want me to hate you, what have you done to prevent that? What you are doing is making me hate you. You're an abandoner, a faker and karma and God will do far worse than anything I can do to you for this.

Hi all, started NC one day ago in real life, 30 days is usually how long it takes me to feel better. So it will be 31 days for me yay! even better. So today is Day 1, Valentine's Day and the day is almost finished. So far only my co-workers know we are officially broken up. Unfortunately my freelance company still hosts his website...arrgh. I want to tell him to go find someone else to take care of it and delete him from my LinkedIn but I just can't yet, I am not angry enough yet plus it just makes me look weak and petty to do it so soon. Maybe I can turn him over to a colleague and have that lined up before I tell him, but only after the 30 days of NC. I did put away photos and reminders in a box. Working on deleting vm and texts. So far crickets on his end, praying it stays that way. So I am hungry and emotionally exhausted from thinking hateful painful thoughts all day. I will sleep well. Didn't see a lot of big flowers and bouquets at work today...guess a lot of people are single or just broke.

Happy Valentines day love. I know that as bad as I feel I am sure you feel a thousand times worse. Well I hope so you should. I expect no cards flowers or communication. The pain is palpable but bearable. I will not change. I know the right man is ou there for me and he will not suffer loving me as I have loving you. So go on hide behind your work, selfish old man, go on feeling sorry for yourself. I won't any longer. I want to live! I want to take tango lessons, dance, laufgh and love and not be squelched. Who wants to join me!?

At last, the last nail has been hammered into the coffin. I suppose there will never be a good time to do it. Tomorrow will now just be another day like it has been for me before we met. I am okay will that. I just can't stop crying. I don't know this person in the occupying the body of the man I love and I don't want to know you until he is gone. I loved you with a whole heart and loved you hard. I loved you through thick and thin, life, death and down to your last dollar, only to be shut out. Never unfaithful or unkind, I helped your rise up from that last dollar and I leave knowing and you knowing, that I did nothing wrong except stay far too long. I did things no one in a relationship did for you before me. I love you. I hate you. I hate myself, but I love myself most of all and will not contact you until I am feeling better. I cannot, will not be your friend, not now. I don't care how much you need it or I need it or how much you miss me or I miss you or how guilty you feel. There will be no reprieve for your loneliness and pain as there is none for mine. You make me feel guilty and scared in loving you and I resent this. I will only be mean and cruel so I have to stay away and I hope you will to if you have any mercy for me. If you love me please don't text me call me or email me please. Please continue to ignore me as you have for the last 6 months. I will leave you to your damaged self and pray you get better after I pray for myself. I don't know who or what I will be when this is all over. I hope I am still myself but better. I still believe in love, I just don't believe in you.