calisurfer Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 My bu was two months ago, ex cheated on me and moved in with his new gf. Been over 5 weeks of strict NC. I know he's been trying to get a hold of me via mutual friends. Well last night he shows up at my place at 1am, completely wasted. I had just come back from a concert and this caught me off guard. Mind you he lives 80 miles away. I let him in and he started the whole routine of "I miss you, I think about you everyday. I made a huge mistake. I want you back in my life." I was upfront and told him it was inappropriate for him to show up like this and that also it's not fair to his gf. He said he wasn't too concerned about his gf. Which leads me to believe that things are not going too well with them. We talked till about 3 am, nothing happened and I told him he should stay since he was drunk. He slept on the couch. The gist of our conversation was basically catching up. I told him that I'm happy where I'm at right now and think that our bu was a good thing. He really didn't want to talk about his gf. Not once did I mention that he cheated on me nor that he was cruel and very inconsiderate. He asked if I was seeing anyone or dating anyone. I told him I had met one guy and we have hung out a few times. He didn't take that too well. Today I know he's out with some mutual friends drinking up a storm since one of them just told me. He's tried to contact me. I haven't replied once nor do I intend too. I'm being honest when I say that I miss him a little bit. Miss what we had and the person he was, not what he's turned into. And I can't respect him for cheating on his current gf. Even though we didn't have sex, just him being at my place and spending the night on the couch constitutes cheating in my book. Him showing up at my place has disturbed me a little bit, maybe a slight setback, and just stirs up emotions. I don't want to reconcile with him. I have no trust in him and know he hasn't changed. Plus I really have no respect for him. No one changes in two months. I can also say that as a friend I don't want him. Again no trust or respect for him. Two of my friends said I should give him a second chance but I can't bring myself to even consider that. I really don't want to get hurt again. We couldn't talk this morning since I had to go to work early. He tried to hug and kiss me when I left, I wouldn't let him. Just didn't feel right. I feel like asking him out to coffee and telling him all these things. Any suggestions? Was it a good thing that he spent the night? I didn't want him driving. Am I being too nice? I just cant bring myself to be mean to anyone. Link to comment
freiabereinsam Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I don't think you need to talk with him unless you feel it's necessary for your own peace of mind. From the sound of it, however, you have moved on and are already at peace with the breakup. It seems like meeting with him again would be just to give HIM closure so that HE can move on. Clearly he realizes he made a mistake cheating on you, and the new girlfriend has lost her sparkle/appeal now that she's no longer an exciting fling on the side. Why does he deserve anything from you at this point after treating you so poorly in the past? I would say resume NC and have fun with the new guy you've been seeing! NC isn't being "mean," by the way. Don't let him make you feel guilty! You haven't done anything wrong. Link to comment
generaldiscord Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Good for you, being firm and mature in a difficult situation. If a similar thing happens, do you have a mutual friend you could call? Someone, preferably male and strong who could take him away if he was wasted? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Once in the bluest moon you might hear of some distant success story from someone who knows someone who cheated and left a spouse or SO for a lover and they lived happily ever after. I doubt most of those stories, but so be it. I've never seen things turn out well between a cheater and lover, so it's no surprise that both your ex and his relationship are unraveling. You're smart not to welcome that back in your life. The guy made a mess, and bringing that to your doorstep was manipulative. There's nothing you can do to 'help' him, and if he opts to clean himself up and straighten out his head, it's going to take a long time. You'll be in a better place then, and the only way he could possibly meet you on higher ground is to get himself there--by himself. Head high. Link to comment
calisurfer Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Thanks for the replies. Frei. You are absolutely right. I really don't owe him anything. I sent him a quick email asking him to leave me alone that it's not appropriate for him to be calling me or coming over to my place. He wanted me out of his life and I am. He has a new gf, lives with her and he should respect her and me. I didn't mention anything about getting back together nor about being friends in the future. Two things that arent going to happen. I dont want to give him any ammo or get his hopes up. I just want him to move on. General. I have a few friends that we know and will take him to their place if he shows up again. Thanks for the advice. I just couldn't kick out of my house when he was that drunk. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to him. Cat. Yes, my ex has a long road ahead of him. He really needs to work on himself and figure what he wants. That takes a lot of time and self discipline. He lacks the latter and has a lot of the former on his hands since he barely works. Just by what he said to me I can tell you that his current relationship is not going the way he wants it to. But he was the one who pulled the trigger and has to live with his choices. I can also tell that he hasn't changed a bit. He cheated on me and is cheating with his current fling. I wish him the best and want him to move on. I also feel sorry for his current fling. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 What's wrong with your two friends? Who would advise a friend to take back a cheater??!! I am super proud of your strength and high self-esteem. I'm sure it was a little gratifying to see how his life is unraveling, while at the same time, now you've seen him "cheating" and disrespecting his current GF (if they're living together, I would say she's more than a fling), so you can imagine this is how he was to you. What a serious douche. Link to comment
calisurfer Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Thanks Ariel. It wasn't really gratifying, actually I felt sorry for him. This is not the guy I fell for. He's changed and I don't recognize the new person. Maybe he was like this all along and I didn't see it. He has a lot of growing up to do, but I really feel sorry for his current gf. I know what the future holds for her and it's not good. I think my ex wants the best of both worlds. Have his gf and a fling on the side. And that's not gonna happen. If he wants that he can always go on craigslist. I can understand falling out of love with someone, but one thing I will never forget is the lies and cheating. I've forgiven him for what he's done but will never forget. As to the two friends who said I should give him a second chance. I don't know what they were thinking. They believe people can change and learn from their mistakes. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Well, then tell your two friends they can date him. JK. I think (sleazy) people are very good at showing us what we want to see. I wouldn't say he changed so much as he couldn't keep up the charade. I hear what you mean about the pity. A few years ago, I had a horrendous breakup I won't get into, but, when is life truly came unglued (he ran away to a foreign country, threatened suicide, friends had to intervene, etc.) I didn't feel good about it, though I always thought I would, you know? After what he did to me, I thought I'd delight in his misery. Not so. I felt badly for him that his own foolish choices led to that. I guess it's good to know YOU'RE still a good person, no matter what. Keep on keeping on. Link to comment
calisurfer Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 'Well, then tell your two friends they can date him. JK. ' Too funny. Yes, sleazy people know how to manipulate us. My ex sure does know what buttons to push. Trust me it was really hard to have him sleep on the couch. He replied to the email saying he understands, he's sorry and that he wants to at least talk to me one more time over coffee. I haven't replied nor will I. I just cant believe he's doing all this while still living with his gf. Guess things are really not going that well. I feel sorry for him. God knows what is going on in his head and what demons he's dealing with. Link to comment
calisurfer Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 'Well, then tell your two friends they can date him. JK. ' Too funny. Yes, sleazy people know how to manipulate us. My ex sure does know what buttons to push. Trust me it was really hard to have him sleep on the couch. He replied to the email saying he understands, he's sorry and that he wants to at least talk to me one more time over coffee. I haven't replied nor will I. I just cant believe he's doing all this while still living with his gf. Guess things are really not going that well. I feel sorry for him. God knows what is going on in his head and what demons he's dealing with. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.