InaDaze87 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I know this is a typical question that everyone asks at some point in time. I personally feel that when you find "the one" you don't care what else or who else could be out there. You are completely satisfied with who you have and are in love with not just who the person is, but also with who the person has the potential to be. In my particular case I feel like I have found "the one" but Im trying to determine what exactly that means. For instance, the woman I coin "the one" and I are currently going through a very rough patch and have been broken up a few months now. She is dealing with some personal issues of being afraid of the true love she felt when we were together that made her want to run the other way.(she comes from a broken abusive home). She has always put up walls emotionally and for some reason decided to let me in. Once she realized what had happened she panicked and ran. Whenever I told her that I felt she was "the one", instead of her saying she felt I was "the one" for her she responded that she didn't feel that she was "the one" for me. But she constantly talks about us being together and me being the guy she would choose to spend the rest of her life with if she ever gets herself together. I agree that she has some issues to get pass before we could ever make that big of a step but why does she put me on such a high pedestal and talk as if she doesn't deserve me or the best when it comes to relationships? Also this is why I said previously that I am trying to figure out how you determine when you have found "the one". Link to comment
SamB Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 It is impossible to know when you have found the one... When you think you have, the next day everything can come crashing down. I think the only way you can know if you have found the one is if you both have grown old together, perhaps even as late as when the other person dies. Link to comment
BMP2CPM Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 The following may sound harsh, but maybe you can learn from my mistakes. Let's go! You know you found the one when she wants to be with you as much as you do. Just one person having "the one" feeling doesn't make it the one. My first impression after reading your post was "It's a trap!" Let's go over the warning signs here: 1) She comes from a broken, abusive home. This means her father probably treated her like crap. That was how she learned to interact with men. The guy who is going to give her "the one" feeling is going to be a complete loser who will treat her like crap. That's the type of person she'll fall in love with because it's familiar to her. She can try to overcome her daddy issues with this loser who she hasn't met yet. She wants to play the role of rescuing the loser. There's nothing you can do about this because you're not a loser. 2) You like the idea of rescuing her, of helping her be the soul mate you always wanted. Because of you're help, she'll be loyal to you forever. It's a nice fantasy. Except it can never come true 3) You're completely in love with her 1+2+3 =a recipe for disaster. My advice get out now before it gets worse. Get over her by dating lot's of women. You'll have a huge dating advantage because you'll still be in love with her while you're dating these new women. They'll be more attracted to you because your thoughts won't be on them. They'll be on her. They may even think that you are "the one". That's life. Good luck! Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 If you feel the need to question, or hesitate...they're not "the one." Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 The one isn't the one you feel you can't live without, it's the one you can live the rest of your life with. The one doesn't want to spend time away from you because of how they were treated in the past... the one wants to make you happy because you make them happy. The one is someone who can't help but love you, who smiles when you smile because your joy brings joy. I grew up with an abusive father... he emotionally ruined my view of what was normal and what wasn't. I spent the better part of my childhood either having fun with my father out on trips around the country or in total and complete fear of him. He would threaten that if it weren't illegal to kill me in this country, he would without remorse because my independence of him was "evil"... because having a mind of my own was blasphemy. Most people would think I'd be attracted to a man like my father - but instead I grew attracted to men who were stable. Men who weren't abusive. Once my ex abused me, I did whatever it took to get out of that relationship. In quick response to BMP2CPM's advice on what to do... I don't think having the mindset that women will be more attracted to you because you're in love with someone else is healthy nor fair to women. I don't think it's a dating advantage either - well, if you're trying to find a rational woman with her head on straight. There's something off-putting about the whole ideal behind wanting someone who isn't totally interested in you or who's in love with someone else. Just saying ^_^ Best wishes. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 You just kind of know. Im not even sure theres a 'one' I think theres a person you gel with and can be with and get through anything with. And they are the 'one' for you so to speak at that point int ime. Link to comment
InaDaze87 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 misssmithviii so why do you think it is that she says she wants to be with me one week and the next says something different. And also why does she feel she isn't deserving of me and puts me on this pedestal?? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I will answer even though not directed at me with my opinion. You can never know whats going on in her head, she might be genuinley confused, or she might not know if she wants to be with you etc. Although shes confused etc, you don't have to wait around for her. The way shes treating you with this non commital im not sure if i want you or not, is not the way someone who cares about you would treat you. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I will answer even though not directed at me with my opinion. You can never know whats going on in her head, she might be genuinley confused, or she might not know if she wants to be with you etc. Although shes confused etc, you don't have to wait around for her. The way shes treating you with this non commital im not sure if i want you or not, is not the way someone who cares about you would treat you. Non-committal does not automatically mean the person does not care..! It often means - fear, specifically the running in the opposite direction comment you made InaDaze87!! That is a classic sign.. she did it at the point where she realised she'd let you in, panicked and ran, as you say.. non-committal in my case meant: I'd fallen in love and because I had never experienced real love (not a romantic ideal or deluded thoughts of thinking I was in love, but the real and very grounded thing) - that made me realise how vulnerable I felt and how much he could see me for me, and how much stuff I was afraid he wouldn't accept about me (which of course, he did) so I tried really hard to push him away - I even became intimidating - but he clung on, no matter how I tried to show him I was hostile and I said things that indicated I didn't think I wanted to be with him, plus lots of other things, very similar to what you've described. I had built these walls up so high around myself that when he came along and seemed to remove them with a look and his way of being and lots of other things about him that were in essence: love for me, it absolutely terrified me. I felt vulnerable beyond words. I didn't trust anybody and learning to trust all over again, after years of being mistreated, is no easy task! It is wrong to assume she doesn't care - if she is anything like me, she might well continually try to push you away with these comments and certain behaviours.., for fear not only of you hurting her, even though she most likely knows in her heart of hearts you won't, but also out of worry she feels not good enough for you because of her issues, I know I couldn't get my head round why on earth this guy was so loving and patient and sweet to me, when in my mind.. I might have deserved it but I didn't want him to take that on. She might be thinking like me: I really want to be with him, but I am overwhelmed, so tearful and emotional with the hurt and so afraid that the prospect of you seeing anymore just feels too much to handle, - she could well be thinking all of this.. it just struck a chord with me reading what you wrote because I didn't want to open up to this guy, so he backed off but he came back and I made a whole heap of excuses, including being mean to him because I though subconsciously: if I hurt him now by pushing him away by saying I am not sure I want to be with him, then he will leave and meet someone else and I can blame myself, rather than make him suffer in a relationship with me. It honestly is age-old human psychology and behaviour. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 misssmithviii so why do you think it is that she says she wants to be with me one week and the next says something different. And also why does she feel she isn't deserving of me and puts me on this pedestal?? I hope my first post (apologies it's quite long) will answer this. In essence I think she loves you and can't believe how great you are with her.. she just doesn't get it + is struggling with accepting you are loving and that you don't mind her pain and that she needs help with that and the whole healing process. Not all guys, if she's had any experiences like mine, wipe their hands of you and treat you like: `well you've got problems, so stuff this for a game of soldiers' - the guy I met genuinely cares and wants to stick around despite me trying with all my might to prove to him by pushing him away that he shouldn't have to deal with me. He was proving to me that I was worth loving and that he accepted me as I was. ! Link to comment
Jetta Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Inadaze - you know when your eyes meet that that's the one. It's inherant. And well I screwed up royally and won't be with the one I saw as my one. So onward and upward. There's often another out there (no "the one") but the one for now will have to do in my life. Link to comment
InaDaze87 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Wow!! FrogIsFree!!! This is exactly what is going on with her. She tells me all the time that I deserve better than her and says the most annoying intolerable things to make me leave her alone or be with someone else. It's like she tries so hard to mess things up and doesn't understand for the life of her why I want to be with her out of all the other women out there without issues!! Plus she always says that she would rather give me up than let me be there for her while she deals with all of this or suffer in a relationship with her like you said above also. She would rather take the blame and play the bad guy than to just let me be there with and for her..... Link to comment
InaDaze87 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 I hope my first post (apologies it's quite long) will answer this. In essence I think she loves you and can't believe how great you are with her.. she just doesn't get it + is struggling with accepting you are loving and that you don't mind her pain and that she needs help with that and the whole healing process. Not all guys, if she's had any experiences like mine, wipe their hands of you and treat you like: `well you've got problems, so stuff this for a game of soldiers' - the guy I met genuinely cares and wants to stick around despite me trying with all my might to prove to him by pushing him away that he shouldn't have to deal with me. He was proving to me that I was worth loving and that he accepted me as I was. ! So what should I do? How long does this last? Did it get better for you? I have a ton of questions.......Im so glad there is someone out there that can relate to her and what im going through with her. Most people I have talked to will just be like "dude what the hell is wrong with you!!!? get the hell out of there while you still can!!!. she's horrible!!" Im constantly having to defend her to people cause they just dont understand and now it's just gotten to the point where Im starting to even question myself. Even her family tells me to run for the hills!!! But I cant!! I just saw a glimpse of who she really is and the potential she has to be and I cant just quit on her. I love her too much to do that!! Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 Ok, I will never advocate or make excuses for "playing the bad guy" and saying hurtful things just because someone has "issues". Fact of the matter is, when you love someone and care about their feelings you don't manipulate like this. You can be in love with the potential in someone all you want - but that's your choice if you want to wait around for that potential to come through. I was in love with the potential my ex had (and he had A LOT) but it got to the point where I was tired of waiting, tired of being treated less than I deserve, and tired of his apologies and "I love you, please I'm sorry"'s. My suggestion is you directly communicate with her. Explain how you feel and that you want to be with her, that you love her endlessly and will take care of her and you'll be there for her even when she's afraid of your love. But the one thing you shouldn't do is stick around while she treats you terribly, playing the bad guy and saying mean things no matter what the reason. The longer you stick around with someone who mistreats you in any way, the more they'll take advantage and instead of working on themselves, they'll realize you'll just deal with it like a doormat so it doesn't REALLY demand effort or concentration. I understand what she feels... trust me I do. But I'm not the kind of girl who manipulates and does the whole "I'm pushing you away for your own good" BS because that's just what it is... BS. Real, healthy loving relationships aren't made of this no matter which way you look at it. She's got to understand that, and she needs to learn how to respect you. Basics for a healthy relationship, trust and respect, honesty, understanding, acceptance, and love. Link to comment
InaDaze87 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 I do agree with what you have said here. That's where I am now in my decision process. I told her last weekend that we couldn't talk anymore until I was either over her or could separate my emotions from what was going on between us. Needless to say she didnt take that too well. Link to comment
blondie03 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I agree with this. Right now, you are not even together, so you having "the one" feeling means nothing, as she does not feel the same way. Just leave it as that, because there are too many problems you will encounter down the line if you try to get her back. Link to comment
22n32 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 WOW.. spot on this was my ex and that was me.. she left me for a complete ugly loser that treated her like crap.. but after being with me for a yr.. she relized it wasnt healthy and she left him 2 weeks later.. still yet to see if she will fall back into the trap with him or another loser.. Link to comment
InaDaze87 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 I agree with this. Right now, you are not even together, so you having "the one" feeling means nothing, as she does not feel the same way. Just leave it as that, because there are too many problems you will encounter down the line if you try to get her back. I had the feeling that she was the one before any of these problems came along while we were still together and everything was well between us. But as you said she cant be the one if she does not feel as though she is or even if she feels as though she is not deserving of me or my love... Link to comment
blondie03 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I had the feeling that she was the one before any of these problems came along while we were still together and everything was well between us. But as you said she cant be the one if she does not feel as though she is or even if she feels as though she is not deserving of me or my love... It needs to be a mutual feeling in order for it to work out. If any one in the relationship has psychological issues(as it seems she does), then there will be problems down the line. Be glad you are not together. Link to comment
PonytailFairy Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 When you stop looking. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 So what should I do? How long does this last? Did it get better for you? I have a ton of questions.......Im so glad there is someone out there that can relate to her and what im going through with her. Most people I have talked to will just be like "dude what the hell is wrong with you!!!? get the hell out of there while you still can!!!. she's horrible!!" Im constantly having to defend her to people cause they just dont understand and now it's just gotten to the point where Im starting to even question myself. Even her family tells me to run for the hills!!! But I cant!! I just saw a glimpse of who she really is and the potential she has to be and I cant just quit on her. I love her too much to do that!! I am glad that you feel this way. Whatever `advice' you get given.. I feel you need to follow your heart. Regardless of `psychological issues' (-as if we don't all have them!!!!) and what might or might nothappen `further on down the line' - you're in no trap!! I am that person supposedly trapping a guy who, like you, knows full well I have issues, but he is not perfect either, he is just stronger than me. Whether or not you believe in God, just from a spiritual stance alone - his compassion is changing my life -forever - my life has been the same way for years, year after year after year. People will no doubt accuse you of playing the hero or the martyr, but compassion is a powerful thing in this life and people like her and like me, only sometimes get one chance - & I apologise for saying this if you don't believe in God - put perhaps, like you, this guy that has stepped in to my life has been the first and only person to give me a chance.. He is ignoring everyone trying to put him off with statements like: "run for the hills!" - who on earth can advise him? Well like him, only you know in your own heart the way this guy does with me that love is there for a reason and that there is love between you, no matter how it manifests on the outside and horrifies those who are quick to call you a mug & effectively scare the pants off you in to staying, when your heart could be saying the opposite. If he had taken that attitude to me, I would be a gonner! Thank God for him, not giving up on me, not relegating me to the psychologically disturbed with `no hope' pile - thank God we are not in a war because I for sure would not be here now, I'd have been the psychologically sick person you toss on the bodies pile even though I am still breathing! ..it breaks my heart to hear people talk about her in this vain - because she is me I am worth the effort, I know my issues, she knows her (from what you have shared) + you are making a decision not having your arm twisted up your back. + to answer your question: YES! It is getting better but patience is so massive a part of the equation - setting deadlines is really unhelpful - sometimes you have to start working with faith not timetables or preconceived notions about `if I don't see this happen by 3 months from now' I need to tick her off my list and out of my life! You and I both know human beings don't operate like that!! We need time, tenderness, patience, compassion and faith to heal and move forward. This guy knew he had, likewise, seen a glimpse of me & all my potential, that with all his love for me.. he is not giving up on me. He is not running away, he ran away for a short time while he was not sure, but after that - when I reciprocated, he has shown me patience and let me come to terms with being loved for the first time at a pace I can manage.. ie slowly I have never experienced this before and when you are terrified like a cornered animal - believe me, this is no easy feat to deal with. Have you ever seen a cornered, terrified animal? They will tear pieces off you before they will let you near - instinctive defense mechanism - they have, like her - like me, had to do that all their lives and when people have and do write them off, they have no chance of breaking out of that cycle and learning that they don't have to continually exhaust themselves doing that anymore. If I were to dare to give advice? I would say the first thing to do is hold her and just be quiet. She will fight you, and keep fighting you but eventually she will fight less and eventually, as long as you are sure in your heart you won't hurt her, she will sense and know this and begin to trust you and let her walls down.. and this might be, like me as it sounds, for the first time in her life. Link to comment
midnightdeirdre Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 If you feel the need to question, or hesitate...they're not "the one." If you're feeling a lot of emotions, then it's good to question, just to be sure. But if you feel a strong hesitation, then yes, that would be a red flag. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 I had the feeling that she was the one before any of these problems came along while we were still together and everything was well between us. But as you said she cant be the one if she does not feel as though she is or even if she feels as though she is not deserving of me or my love... I think that these problems may have muddied your feeling for her that she's the one.. unfortunately, we all come with problems - some small, some bigger, some we are aware of, some we are not so self-aware about.. whilst unconditional love is important it is ultimately your choice as to whether or not you want to stay and help or have somebody else help her (professional support could be useful, but it is not always the answer for people in her position). The obvious thing that stood out from what you've said is: you did feel she was the one until she put doubts in your head by convincing you she is not good enough for you.. as I said before, that's a `push-you-away' tactic employed by people in terrible pain who are afraid of a) letting you get close because you'll see her in all her truth (but possibly `ugliness' in her mind) b) you seeing the her as a `burden' and not wanting to make you unhappy (but by default she will if you originally thought she was the one, then you have to live without her in your life..?? and c) her feeling powerless is compounding her sense of despair but ultimately you may be able to help her.. it's just your choice of if the original feeling of `she is the one' that you had is really still there, but buried under all this doubt she has convinced you you should feel and if you want to help her - you mustn't be doing it out of a sense of feeling guilty because deep down you can't handle it and/or you feel it is your `duty' to help her, but because you can and want to help her. You may be able to support her to work through her problems with you and those feelings may become unburied as she accepts she doesn't have to push you away & give herself a chance to heal and be as happy as she can be with you. I think she's just scared of the closeness and you seeing in to her pain.. Just because somebody doesn't feel deserving of love, it doesn't mean they aren't deserving of love!!!! It just means they have been unfortunate enough to not have experienced love in the right ways and are emotionally conditioned to think they deserve what they have always got, rather than a new way of living ie with you being genuinely loved. You learn to accept love and live differently - it is the potential for change and growth that we are here for, not just to keep things the way they are and say to those unfortunate enough not to have experienced good love that they should stick to the way they have always done things, so as not to disrupt the lives of those who haven't their problems! If she was indeed `the one' - I can't see how that can change overnight, apart from by what she has said to convince you you should doubt this! Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 How you know if you found "The One"?...You wouldn't have to ask. You just know. Last year around this time, I would have argued that point tooth and nail. Now, actually being with "The One"...it blows my mind how true it is. It makes sense, it's easy, you work well together, you balance each other out, have a similar or very much the same sense of humor, and really feel good talking about everything and anything together no matter how weird or tough it may be. And I knew it right away. Right away. The love has grown, but right away, I knew we worked. And, I feel really lucky. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 & with all my lame push-pull experiences from before, from getting stalked, abandoned, abusive mom...I have learned a few things: - If a person chooses to not commit to you, but has an excuse for it, take what they say as word. They will not commit to you. - Someone that is good for won't be hurting you. - If it works, it won't be so hard. You deserve whatever you put up with. - Water seeks it's own level. You should ask yourself why you choose a person who you cannot have a solid relationship with. Questions to ask yourself: Do you love them, or the fact that you cannot have them? And there's a fine line between love and obsession. Link to comment
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