Bitterness pt. 2 - Still wonder why...

[SteveNaive]

Ok, this is gonna be long, angry, provocative and yet somewhat sad. But I just need to get rid of this...

 

I am so sick of this. For the past four months I have been thinking about this breakup. And it only was a four month relationship. But I was badly in love. I was. And I still wonder what went wrong. What the hell did I do that she did not want to be with me anymore? She never gave me a decent reason apart from "things change". Thanks to that. As if I didn't know.

 

Why I am still on this? Because she called me. As a "friend". And told me that her new guy asked her to marry him. After three months. To go to another country with him. To break of her studies for him. And she said yes because he is "so committed". And she broke of with me because she did not want to commit...what?!

Another reason why I am still on this: I thought it was good. She was good. She was everything what I was looking for in a girl. She was intelligent, funny, loving, caring, true, down to earth, honest and just plain beautiful, inside and outside. Apart from the fact that she left me. But of all past relationships I had, this was the most intense, most loving, caring, most open...I really felt I could be who I am...for the first time in my life. Thinking of it...that is DIRE. Very dire...

 

It just haunts me that I do not know what it was. She always told me I was the first guy to be stable and nice and respectful and all that. At one point I even was a bit scared because she thought I was "perfect". She said it was everything she wanted. She even spoke of marriage. Now, had I really been that good, she would still be with me. But even now she says I would be such a nice guy and that I would still hold "her top spot" for whatever that means... (Just another prove that good sex alone does not save a relationship.)

 

I just wonder: Why is it all the girls here complain about men who cheat, lie, are disrespectful...and when you give them what they all (supposedly) ask for - i.e. a nice stable relationship, no drama, no fights, no cheating, not even jealousy, just tender loving care - they run away for some other guy, with drama, fights, fears and jealousy...and they still tell you they'll never forget you because you are "such a nice guy".

 

I am sick of being told that I am nice. I decided I am not. Or at least I decided I do not want to be anymore. Next time I am gonna see her I am going to be the biggest a** you can think of. Why? Because I am sick of hearing how nice I am and then being left standing in the rain looking at the shattered remains of what I thought to be a happy relationship...(and get told that it was good...things just change) and I want revenge. Bloody revenge.

 

The worst bit for me is that as soon as she decided she wanted something (or rather someone) else, I pulled away from her. Or I tried. But she would come up to my door at 0430 in the morning, standing there, crying, telling me she doesn't know whether she is doing things right and that she does not want to lose me out of her life. And being the soft, caring, nice guy that I supposedly am, I let her in. I dried her tears. I comforted her. I let her stay over for the night because she was afraid of being alone. Stupid I was. I should have kicked her out right there and then. Because just a month later she kicked me out for good. Because I was too soft... She made me hang in there just this little tad longer...until I was totally destroyed, stripped of every defense that I had, winding myself in agony over her depart...

 

When I read what I just wrote I am almost a bit scared of the hate that seems to be shining through. Normally I am not like that at all. I am just scared and insecure. Shy even. I seem to be open to everyone but deep inside I am not. I really do miss a big part in my life. I know that everyone's story here is too good to be true to one or another extent. And I do not want to say it was special, because it obviously was not. It was not even meant to be.

 

But still. I miss her. Just being there for a chat. Or a cuddle. A hug. Whatever. I miss her environment. Because I know that in her heart she is a caring person. Just not for me anymore. Which makes me sad. The thought that something like this just is lost forever. I had relationships where I did not feel like that. Where I did not miss a thing after a little while. Where you just know it would never have worked. I wonder whether I will ever get that far with her.

 

However, for now, I stopped believing. In people, in relationships and in love. I just dont' want to hear of this anymore. I just want her out of my life, out of my head. I deeply do regret the day I fell for her. This incredible pain you feel when it's over is just not worth the hassle. It is just not worth it. Looking back it never was. At least not for me.

[Free Lancer]

Time heals all wounds... It really does

 

That is totally intense.. I think it is really unfair that, that happened you seemed like a really nice guy... I think what you were saying about being an a** will work....

 

The silent treatment alwayz works on girls... I'd know...

 

ummmm... I think if you don't talk to her for a while you can slowly get over it

 

That's all I can offer

 

Good Luck

[Francis]

I am under the impression that this gal was looking for marriage or else. May be in the past she had bad experiences with guys who did not want to commit and she did not want to push you.

 

From your posting, it seems that you did not talk about marriage, only she mentioned it. She probably thought that the relationship was so good, that you should have mentioned marriage. And she left because she was under the impression you did not want to commit.

 

On the other hand, yes, she is looking for marriage and she is playing a role in order to be "marriage material". She may be misrepresenting herself somehow and could not keep the game for too long.

 

It is possible too that she, as many other women do, decided not to fall in love until she meets the right person, the person asks her to marry. Only then she will allow herself to fall in love. When people have had many bad experiences in the past they become more insensitive and can hurt others without knowing it.

 

In any way, I don't think it is a very good idea to put on the mask of a jerk when you see her. You should try to talk to her in a civilized way and ask her what happened. If she does not want to tell you, then it is a good thing you did not marry her, because that would mean she has communication problems or that she is manipulative. A good straight forward person will tell you what went wrong to help you.

 

Good luck!

[CherryGrl]

SteveNaive, I really feel for you. A four-month relationship and you're still grieving four months later. I can totally understand that. The length of the relationship doesn't necessarily determine the intensity of your feelings. You got hit hard this time.

 

But this whole thing of why don't women like nice guys, I keep reading that in one thread after another. But maybe it's really that people don't always like nice people. Why do guys leave women who were good to them, loved them, didn't cheat on them, were "nice girls?" Happens all the time that a guy has a nice girl at home but cheats on her with a "bad girl." But then should we become bad guys and bad girls? Nah.

 

Because girls don't all want bad guys, any more than all guys want bad girls. Maybe when we're young we are attracted to that flashy person, good looking, confident, good dresser, flirty. And then we get burned a few times and players lose their charm. Besides, if you're a nice guy you probably can't just decide to be a bad boy, you are who you are and some woman will come along who will adore you for who you are.

 

As for being an a** next time you see her, I wouldn't be, but I would definitely be cool. If you even have to see her again. If she's telling you the truth and she really is marrying someone else and leaving the country, she'll be out of your life soon anyway. I wouldn't be available to her at all anymore. Don't take her phone calls, answer her e-mail, etc.

 

I know you want revenge, but I don't know how you can really get it. Not right now, unless she does an about-face and comes crawling back to you. If she does, then you can kick her to the curb and you'll have your revenge. But I wouldn't do it for revenge, more for self-preservation because she just doesn't sound like a very stable person to invest a lot of time and emotion in.

 

Consider that she dated you for four months. dumped you but couldn't actually make up her mind, came over in the middle of the night crying and saying she didn't know if she was doing the right thing, then only a few months later is getting married to someone else. That's a lot of bouncing around. Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, and it wouldn't surprise me if she calls off the engagement.

 

As for your statement that you've stopped believing in people, relationships and love, well, you've just been burned and you're not ready for another love relationship yet. But the pain is worth the hassel because it's what we have to do to find the right person. In time you'll get over this and you'll get back out there and meet someone new, really you will. Next time you'll have learned from this experience, and maybe that will help you in your next relationship and you won't get hurt like this again.

 

Good luck, nice guy. I do believe that nice guys win in the end. You don't think these "players" are actually happy, do you? Well, only if they thrive on drama, because their lives are a mess!

[SteveNaive]

Hello to all of you and thank you for posting! It is always good to know that you're not alone out here...

 

Yes she may well have been looking for marriage, and yes it was her bringing it up. But then WE talked about it. It's not that I am one of these phobics...thing is I come from a rather "value conservative" european background. I know people in the states are really quick with marrying someone (which might probably the reason why her new guy is already divorced being only 21). However, I like the idea of living together with someone for a longer time to really see whether it fits. Of all the girlfriends I so far, she would have been the only one that I really would have considered marriage material. Then again she did not leave me because I did not want to marry now. She left me supposedly because she didn't want committment...at least not now. Which leaves me wondering why she wants to commit so badly to him now... Very confusing. VERY VERY CONFUSING. So to marriage: I would have. But I didn't do it just now, because I myself got burned a couple of times too many...so I want to be sure before I ask a girl...at least as sure as you can be...and she obviously proved me right.

 

As far as stability is concerened...no I don't think she is very stable. She always relies on other people. She once told me she hasn't been without a boyfriend since she's been 15. And she just does not want to be alone. Which is the reason why she is now so clinging to him. She does not want to be alone. Oh yeah that and the fact the she is in love with him. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of that. She loves him. Not me.

 

And being a nice guy really sucks. It means having a constant bad conscience. It means I always put the relationship I have higher than myself. It means I would do anything and everything to save what is there. And NO, there are no nice girls out there that come around who adore you for what you are. I have had quite a couple of girlfriends now...I did not end a single relationship! Ok, well, maybe I would have...and to some extent I was lucky that I was dumped a couple of times...else I would never have met other nice people. But still. I just don't like being dumped. I mean, it's ok if you got a decent reason. But from her all I got was "I don't want committment". Which again, makes me wonder why she is committing now. (Apart from the fact that if I didn't want committment I wouldn't talk about marriage all the time.)

 

And just btw: No, I do not think that there is someone out there for me. I just was wrong a bit too often. Which is really frustrating. Because everything goes nicely and you are told what nice guy you are, how you make them happy, that you are just so much better than all the scumbag exbfs just to turn to one of them scumbag exbfs a week later... Don't get me wrong: I really like women. I love them. I adore them. I just can't seem to find the right girl. "Look in the right places" one may say. Yeah, right. It's not that I am not looking everywhere and anywhere anyway. In the end it always feels like they told me "iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou" all the time but did not mean it. I do not say it very often but I mean it. No...I meant it. I meant.

[JT]

I dont mean to sound harsh but lets look at the situation here. I'm going to be a little stern and "fresh" with ya but that's what you need.. a good swift kick in the butt. She knows your a sorry sap. Your sad, she's getting married, she's pouring salt in your open wounds and your holding the salt shaker for her.

 

Whatever will be will be. I've been in your crap luck situation and felt like it was the end of the world. I was probably worse off and more at rock bottom than you were 3 months ago. But is said screw it she's not worth it. I took it as a sign to leave her and the group of friends that I once had. Im now on my way to bigger and better things, working on myself.. and ya know what the stuff is starting to get better.

 

Best thing to do is not talk to this girl anymore. She gets some kinda thrill outta teasing you... telling you that she's getting married, he's the one. Thats not good for your self esteem. Hang up the phone. The sooner your able to get her out of your life, the sooner you will be able to move on. I want to make that perfectly clear.

 

As far as the "nice guy syndrome".. I've been on both sides of the fence before. All I can say is stand your ground, keep your spine intact "know when to fold em'.. know when to run." Don't say anything else to this girl if she calls. Don't answer her phone calls, nothing.. just walk away. If its meant to be then it will work itself out... either way. The one thing you must do is improve yourself. Show her no sign of weakness... it feeds her sorry soul when you appear weak in her eyes.

[SteveNaive]

Yeah, you are right...well, I'm doing my best forgetting her. I am not on about getting her back, as I don't think I still could love her. It's just this "not knowing why" which bugs me...

 

Just btw, as we had this "nice guys always win" discussion in this thread...I just found something on the web that is worth reading. Finally, the reason why all nice guys lose...it's supposed to be kinda funny, but unfortunately I found more of myself in there than I actually could take. I'll lock myself up for the rest of the day with some chocolate icecream hoping that, at the end of the day, I am not SUCH a nice guy...but I fear I am...read this...

 

And then there was light...

 

 

 

Source (hyperlink) available on request. I am sorry I can't give it here because enotalone won't let me print it. So if anyone feels I infringed their copyright, pls let me know...lawyers, bloody

[SteveNaive]

No comments on that one? Hmm...worying...lol.

Anything?