Purging the Inner Sanctum

[Sanesoul]

Also, at PT last night, the therapist gave her a few more exercises to do, but said her progress was so incredible that he might not have to see her anymore. We have to see if she has pain over the next few days, and if she doesn't, we can cancel her appointments next week! She'll have to do her exercises everyday, but it's a small price to pay for her to not be in pain anymore. Things are looking up for her and I'm so relieved.

[Sanesoul]

I'm going to rest my other journal and just write in this one from now on. Today was such a good day. After her 5th grade graduation, I took her out to breakfast and then later in the day we had the community walk, which was nice. We have a beautiful walking trail and there were booths all along it with great information on wellness in all forms. My legs were sore when we finished (it's a long walk), but so worth it. I'm going to try to walk it a few days a week to help myself get in shape.

 

I started Weight Watchers in January, and although I have lost 20 pounds, I've plateaued for awhile. There was so much going on that I had a hard time trying to keep track of my points. I still tried to eat healthy without tracking my points, but I didn't do so well. Thank goodness I haven't gained anything back. I'm going to start back on track tomorrow, and keep it up no matter what happens. I need to make it a priority because I'm tired of myself. I need to lose 60-80 pounds. I am also going to join the new health center that is opening at the hospital. They will build a workout regimen for me with my doctor's approval, so I know I'm doing the right things.

 

This summer is going to be good. Just found out my brother in law is moving in with my other brother in law, so he will be out of my house. Sooooo looking forward to getting our lives back on track.

 

Also, haven't had a drink in 6 days.

[Sanesoul]

It's so nice to have a day off without having plans. Granted I had to use a vacation day at work, but it's worth it to catch up on things that have been slacking around the house. I did have to go into work for a little bit to take care of an emergency, but my boss was very thankful so I didn't mind. The child spent the night at a friends house last night, so I had the morning to myself. I lounged in bed until 9 and cuddled with my youngest cat. He's not a cuddler, so I wasn't going to give this up lol.

 

Now I'm washing bedding, and taking care of some spring cleaning that hadn't gotten done yet. Hubby is working lots of overtime right now, so I want to make sure the house is nice and fresh when he gets home. I know he appreciates it. I know how much I appreciate it when the house is clean when I get home. It's a nice feeling not to do chores after a long day at work.

 

I took a vacation day now because I know in less than a month, things are going to start to get insane, and I won't be able to take any. We've been slow for a couple months because it was off season, but the end of June/beginning of July will be craziness until the end of the year. I'll probably be working every other Saturday at least, just to keep up. The overtime will be nice, especially since the child wants to take three dance classes next year instead of two. I'm going to start a fund for her just to make sure we have enough money that she can do that. She loves it so much, but it's not cheap. The costumes alone will cost us about $200. Thankfully, the dance studio will have fundraisers the dancers can do to help.

[Sanesoul]

My poor neurotic cat was locked in my daughter's room all night He didn't cry to get out or anything, I had no idea. My younger cat had been crying at me for about an hour and finally went over to her door and looked up at me. Now the neurotic one is slinking around the house, paranoid of everything. Poor thing has to learn all over what is not going to hurt him. I feel so bad.

[Sanesoul]

It's been a nice 4 days off work. I got a lot done, and got a lot of reading in. Made nice dinners every night for my family, and another one tonight. The child starts summer camp tomorrow, and next weekend is her dance showcase. It's going to be a crazy week with getting ready for that. I think I can go ahead an cancel her PT appointments this week though because she still has no pain in her knee. Thank goodness for that. As long as she does her excercises, I think she'll be in good shape.

 

Brother in law is all moved out, so I finally feel like I have my life back. My spare room is mine again and all cleaned up. I can't wait to turn it back into my craft room. I love scrapbooking, but haven't gotten to in awhile. I have some really good ideas for her dance pictures. I got my new desk at work too, and I feel settled there as well. Things can only go up from here.

 

It doesn't feel like summer here yet, which is fine by me. I absolutely hate hot weather and I get extremely irritable when I start to sweat. It's been around 60 here, very low for this time of year. Everyone is pissy because it's too cold, but I love it. I know the heat will get here before we know it, and I'm going to enjoy this breezy weather while I can. It saves me money not having to run the air conditioner too. I keep telling hubby we have to move north lol, but this weather is reminding me how much I like it here. I know I'll be cursing it once it heats up though. I know it's only about a month a year that we have weather that is too warm, but that's a month too long for me.

 

Next Sunday I'm going to attempt my most complex recipe yet. I am going to try to make Julia Child's Beouf Bourguignon. It's ambitious, but I've read the recipe(s) over and over again, and I think I can do it. There's three recipe parts to it, so it is complex, but I'm confident that I can do it. It will be exciting if I can pull it off.

[Sanesoul]

Also, 9 days without a drink, and I feel fabulous.

[Sanesoul]

My coworker turned me on to myfitnesspal, and after looking into it, I'm not sure I need weight watchers. This is free, and you can track everything with it. I don't go to WW meetings anyway, just use the online tools, so this may just work for me. Just tracked what I had for breakfast. Hmm, interesting.

[Sanesoul]

10 days sober...whoohoo. I feel fine too. I'm going to go for a walk after dinner on the trail. Hopefully it won't be crowded. I want to put my headphones in and tune everyone out for awhile.

[Sanesoul]

The child has decided that she does not want to do band anymore, and we're ok with that. She did it for a year, so we can't say she didn't try. It's just not for her. I think she just wants to concentrate on dance, and that's great. She'll be in three classes next year so she'll be plenty busy.

 

Work is going really well, and I'm excited for things on the horizon. My closest coworker and I are really in sync and get along so well, that the office is pretty harmonious. I've never worked with anyone so closely, and I'm so glad it's someone I like and respect. There's generally just a great vibe in the office. Sure we have stressful days, but for the most part things are calm and pleasant. It really helps with my anxiety. My boss has a really good sense of humor too, and I think that sort of thing gets taken for granted. If he was a big crabass all the time, I know I would hate going into work. It's kinda funny because the VP who moved into our office is normally such a serious person, and I can see him feeding off the rest of us and loosening up. We have a good thing going, just the four of us.

[Sanesoul]

She brought tears to my eyes. The youngest and smallest, yet she kept up with all the big kids. Some of those kids were 17-18 and she was dancing as well as them. I've never been so proud. Her timing was perfect, and she looked so beautiful. I don't even have words...the only thing I can really say is Thank You Lord, for letting me be a part of her journey in this world. I've never known love like this. I know now that this is the reason, my purpose is to be her mother. I'm so honored and humbled. I've finally figured it out.

[Sanesoul]

She is the only reason I am still alive.

[Sanesoul]

Had an ovarian cyst burst last Monday, and have been in horrid pain ever since. They put me through the ringer at the hospital last Thursday night and then told me the pain would go away on its own. Luckily my doc is awesome and checked my ct scan herself the next day. I have to go in for an ultrasound because she thinks there's more going on. In the meantime, I'm on pain meds when I'm not working.

 

I haven't had much time to worry about the implications because it was hell week at work. Inventory and fiscal year-end. I wanted to drop from exhaustion at the end of the day today. So glad it's over now for another year. I need a good rest.

[Sanesoul]

Ultrasound on Monday. To be honest I just want my ovaries gone. I am well beyond the possibility of having any more kids so just rip them out. So tired of being in pain. Feeling incredibly fat too, awesome.

[Sanesoul]

It really sucks having no support from anyone, ever. Makes it hard to deal with being alive.

[Seraphim]

It really sucks having no support from anyone, ever. Makes it hard to deal with being alive.

 

Hugs darling. Isn't your husband supportive of you through this?

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need Sane. Remember we are here.

[Sanesoul]

Thanks guys. I've just been very emotional lately with everything going on and really missing my mama. My daughter leaves on Sunday for a week and that is hitting me hard too. Sometimes things are so tough and I really have no one to talk to or be there for me. My husband is not the best listener and I don't like to burden him.

[Seraphim]

Thanks guys. I've just been very emotional lately with everything going on and really missing my mama. My daughter leaves on Sunday for a week and that is hitting me hard too. Sometimes things are so tough and I really have no one to talk to or be there for me. My husband is not the best listener and I don't like to burden him.

 

My husband was not always the best listener either love. But since I've had bigger problems he's gone to his own counseling to learn how to listen to me. He is learning how to be a better support. Would your husband do that for you? You would not be burdening him love you are his spouse. Spouses are supposed to be there for each other.

[Sanesoul]

3 straight days of constant panic attacks, triggering early menses and the ativan didnt help. Lord, help me.

[Sanesoul]

Finally got registered for the Suicide Prevention walk in my town. I'm walking for all the dear children who have died by suicide due to bullying. I hope I raise a decent amount of money.

[Seraphim]

Finally got registered for the Suicide Prevention walk in my town. I'm walking for all the dear children who have died by suicide due to bullying. I hope I raise a decent amount of money.

 

Way to go love!!

[Sanesoul]

Thanks Vic. This is so near and dear to my heart. I found a friend of mine who had hanged himself when I was 18, and it's never left me. All these kids, all so young, who are hopeless because of the evil words of some makes my heart just break. There's already been three who have died since school started...that I've heard of. It's got to stop.

[Sanesoul]

The Suicide Prevention walk was a huge success! We raised $5500 and there were more than 100 walkers. So amazing. I also applied to become a field advocate.

[Sanesoul]

So, something new to talk about...not really. I haven't had a drink in 5 days. I know I've gone through this more times than I can count, but the difference this time is that I have my husband's support. We had a wonderful heart to heart last Sunday and both agreed that enough is enough. We can't drink anymore. We're both very high functioning alcoholics, but that's not an excuse. We are both on heavy medication that does not work right with alcohol. I can already tell after 5 days that my meds are working better.

 

I have much more energy, and have been doing small chores everyday to keep the house clean. This way I won't have to spend my Saturday doing the whole house like I usually do. That sucks. I am sharper at work too, thinking quicker. That is a huge bonus because I work in a really fast paced environment. I haven't had panic attack in 5 days (coincidence? I think not!). I usually have one at least every other day, sometimes multiple times a day.

 

Generally, I just feel better. My body feels better.

 

I've also taken this opportunity to start eating better. No more greasy fast food. I've been bringing my own food to work. Eating small meals every 2-3 hours or so. Low-fat, healthy foods. I've been cooking dinners at home for the family, and it feels really good. Saving money too!

 

I'm in a good place for the first time in a long time.

[Sanesoul]

7 days without a drink.

 

Last night was a tinge rough. I didn't want a beer, but I was on edge because it was the end of the work week and I usually have some beers when I don't have to work the next day. I took an ativan and downloaded the AA Big Book on my kindle. I read some of the stories in there last night and felt much better. Went to bed early last night and woke up at 6 this morning raring to go. That NEVER happens on a Saturday. I'm really enjoying all the benefits I can see and touch from not drinking.

 

I'll keep reading the Big Book and start on the 12 steps. I have that one in paperback from a long ago short time going to AA meetings. I remembered the panic attacks I had when I went to the meetings. I just can't put myself out there where a bunch of people I don't know can see my vulnerabilities. I know they are going through the same thing, but I just can't do it. My recovery for now, is between me, my husband and God. God being my rock. I need him now, more than ever.

 

I'll keep writing because that helps too. I stopped writing for a long time, and my healing went backwards. I can't let that happen again because that's when I start to drink. I drink to dull the emotional pain from everything I've gone through. It only helps until I wake up the next morning and instantly regret it. I feel so stupid and gross that I never want to do it again. I won't forget that feeling, it will keep me sober.