Purging the Inner Sanctum

[Sanesoul]

So, after searching my house all morning, I finally found my copy of the Big Book and the Twelve Steps book...in the garage...in a box where it should not have been. Perseverance, I have it!

 

I'm so excited right now, I really feel good, and I feel like if I keep this in my focus and not go astray, I WILL make it. My husband and I have decided that if we make it 1 year, we are finally going to take the honeymoon that we never got to. I'm thinking an Alaskan cruise!

[Seraphim]

What a great goal to work towards!!!!

[Sanesoul]

What a great goal to work towards!!!!

 

I know, so exciting to think about! I've been wanting to go to Alaska for as long as I can remember.

[Seraphim]

I know, so exciting to think about! I've been wanting to go to Alaska for as long as I can remember.

 

Me too! My mother and I have always talked about going on an Alaskan cruise! I just don't know if I could ever do it now. My PTSD is just too bad. We went to Ottawa for the weekend last weekend and I actually had like a one minute break with reality. It was very scary. I think it is because I had lost contact with my husband in the crowd of 50,000 people. I did manage to reground myself though and do what I was supposed to do. I used to have blackouts from PTSD when I was younger . But I have not had one since I was 18 and luckily this time around it was not a full blackout. But then after being in the hotel in Ottawa I couldn't sleep for almost a week. So I don't know if I can ever travel much again. I really want to I don't want to be controlled by the PTSD so I'm forcing myself out of that box but it's very painful.

[Sanesoul]

I'm sorry Vic

[Seraphim]

Yeah it is weird. I've never been like this in my life until the past year. But soldiering on with PTSD on your own just doesn't work. It has led me to the biggest downfall and breakdown of my life. Although I am getting treatment which is excellent. They said I will probably never make full recovery but they can change a lot of the way that my brain works. And the reason they said I will never make full recovery is that I have had symptoms for 40 years that were never corrected. Now my brain is completely hardwired and it is exceedingly hard to correct. Child abuse and child sexual abuse actually causes brain injury by causing changes in the chemical makeup and the physical makeup of the brain.

[Sanesoul]

It makes sense. I have PTSD too, but I'm very avoidant. It's strange because I have an acute awareness of what is normal, and what is a response to childhood trauma. It's hard to balance it with a functioning life. I tend to avoid anything that could possibly trigger me, and it leaves me with a less than fulfulling social life. If it keeps the panic attacks at bay though, I'm ok with it. I work on it everyday. I hate seeing all my friends doing these fun things, and I just can't. My medication has helped a lot, but I'm not there yet. I may never be.

[Seraphim]

I am sorry you have that too. Yeah I want my full life back and I'm just gonna fight to have it. I tried two different classifications of medication both of which are a bust for me. They tried me on an SSRI which gave me serotonin syndrome which could've killed me. Then I I tried the benzo classification and I was just like a potted plant. It also didn't relieve my panic attacks at all. I would have them every day regardless. For me I'm better off all medication and just using grounding and self soothing techniques. But I have done EDMR I think I need to go back to that. I think I still need more sessions. And I do have support therapy once a week.

[Sanesoul]

That's great Vic. I love that you are still trying to heal! I think it's a lifelong process.

[Seraphim]

That is for sure. It is lifelong process one little baby step at a time. We will get there!!!! Hugs.

[Sanesoul]

Step 1 - We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. - Done 9/22/13

[Sanesoul]

Day 8 and I feel fabulous. Got about halfway through the Big Book last night, and went to bed early. Hoping to have a good Sunday with lots of Football!

[Sanesoul]

I've been reading Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul off and on all day today, and it is really wonderful. There are so many great stories that I can relate to, some that are really scary, but all in all a good tool to keep me steadfast in my sobriety.

[Seraphim]

I am praying for you love.

[Sanesoul]

Thanks Vic. That means a lot and it is very welcome

[Sanesoul]

So, today was a real test. It was the last day of the month, which is the nuttiest at work. I also found out about some more politics and nepotism that's happening at work, which made me want to scream. I took a short drive to calm my nerves and went back...felt much better. Normally in a situation like this, I would have been dreaming of putting my feet up after work with some beer and an ativan, but that didn't even come to mind.

 

I won't let work push me into drinking again, no matter how soul-crushing it gets. Day 9 sober.

[Seraphim]

Way to go !! Give it to God love. You so lovingly reminded me of that the other day. I did give it to God when I went to mass on Sunday and I felt so much better. Give it all to God.

[Sanesoul]

Way to go !! Give it to God love. You so lovingly reminded me of that the other day. I did give it to God when I went to mass on Sunday and I felt so much better. Give it all to God.

 

Thanks Vic, I will! I have to to get through this.

[Sanesoul]

This just made my day!

 

I completed the necessary steps and am now officially a field advocate for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention! So exciting. My representative won't know what him them lol.

[Sanesoul]

Another soul crushing day. I've been here 7 years, and I've never seen the injustices before like I have now. It really makes me sick. Too bad they have me right where they want me at the moment. I'm lucky to have a job, I'm lucky to have a job, I'm lucky to have a job...not working.

 

Don't want to drink though, Day 10 sober. I may need some melatonin to sleep though. The mind is going a million miles a minute.

[Sanesoul]

Now I've worked myself into feeling physically sick...gah. Have to get my mind off this somehow.

[Seraphim]

Another soul crushing day. I've been here 7 years, and I've never seen the injustices before like I have now. It really makes me sick. Too bad they have me right where they want me at the moment. I'm lucky to have a job, I'm lucky to have a job, I'm lucky to have a job...not working.

 

Don't want to drink though, Day 10 sober. I may need some melatonin to sleep though. The mind is going a million miles a minute.

 

Ah God if I could ever sleep. I fall asleep but I jerk awake every hour. I used to take melatonin and it was great but now I'm too terrified to fall asleep. I bought melatonin recently but I've been too terrified to take it. Because I'm terrified to fall asleep and I think I will never wake up. And then that just starts a vicious cycle over again. And every time I jerk awake I think I've heard a large crash but it is never anything. Then I fall asleep but it's never a full sleep I'm constantly aware of what's going on around me.

 

Man I know how you feel.

[Sanesoul]

I'm sorry Vic, that is sucky. I've been taking it off and on because I don't like taking the ativan to sleep. I wake up feeling like I got hit by a mack truck. If I don't take anything, then I won't sleep. I've had Insomnia for as long as I can remember. My heart seems to race at the thought of sleeping. I feel the same as you...that I won't wake up, and that just makes my anxiety worse. Sleep is one of those necessary evils. I wish I didn't have to.

[Sanesoul]

Decided to order the Life Recovery Bible and Workbook. It takes a Christian approach to the 12 step program. I think I will do a lot better with the program if I can correlate scripture with the steps. I'll feel more like I'm letting God work on this part of my life. Very excited! I hope to have it by this weekend and I can just tear into it.

 

Hubby also told me today that he wants to start going to church! HUGE win. I've been wanting to start going again for years, but didn't want to go by myself. My daughter wants to go too, so this is just great news. I think some good Christian fellowship is just what we need.

 

(Sorry for flooding my journal, but it seems I have a lot to say during my newfound sobriety lol)

[Seraphim]

I'm sorry Vic, that is sucky. I've been taking it off and on because I don't like taking the ativan to sleep. I wake up feeling like I got hit by a mack truck. If I don't take anything, then I won't sleep. I've had Insomnia for as long as I can remember. My heart seems to race at the thought of sleeping. I feel the same as you...that I won't wake up, and that just makes my anxiety worse. Sleep is one of those necessary evils. I wish I didn't have to.

 

Yeah. That is the sad fact of it. Clonazepam almost made me comatose. They gave me an Ativan at the hospital last year and I slept for 18 hours. The benzos didn't really work for me either because I had daily panic attacks even on them.