How NOT to Become A Doormat In A Relationship?

[Snowy]

Well sometimes in a relationship, you could get walked over by your girlfriend/boyfriend. And in lots of cases, you might not realize you're being a doormat until your partner totally takes you for granted.

 

Well the question is - How can you not become a doormat?

 

It's quite hard, because you WANT to be nice to your girlfriend/boyfriend at the same time.

 

And if anyone can shed some light - What do you do if you're ALREADY getting walked over in a relationship but you want to start getting some respect, yet you don't want to break up.

[sidehop]

Have boundaries. Put yourself first, not in a selfish way but don't go above and beyond to make others happy before yourself either. Especially if you're looking to gain happiness from others, then you are allowing yourself to be walked all over.

[Snowy]

Have boundaries. Put yourself first, not in a selfish way but don't go above and beyond to make others happy before yourself either. Especially if you're looking to gain happiness from others, then you are allowing yourself to be walked all over.

 

Well it's hard to set boundaries when your emotions are playing with you.

 

And when you love the person so much, you naturally want to be nice to them and put them first.

 

So yeah, it's hard sometimes.

[sidehop]

Of course but you have to find that balance. You can't always put them ahead of you and say yes to everything when in reality you want to say no.

[Lulu010]

My ex was using me as a doormat, people told me this i didn't realise it and i didn't want to believe it either since it hurt too much, in the end i decided enough was enough i didn't run to him every time he clicked his fingers, i ignored his txts and phone calls because i realised in the end he only wanted me for one thing. It was very difficult since me and my ex used to be very close and so much in love but it only took one girl to take all that away. It's hard to set boundaries but you need to do it for yourself no matter how difficult it may be.

[Snowy]

My ex was using me as a doormat, people told me this i didn't realise it and i didn't want to believe it either since it hurt too much, in the end i decided enough was enough i didn't run to him every time he clicked his fingers, i ignored his txts and phone calls because i realised in the end he only wanted me for one thing. It was very difficult since me and my ex used to be very close and so much in love but it only took one girl to take all that away. It's hard to set boundaries but you need to do it for yourself no matter how difficult it may be.

 

Yeah I'll keep that in mind.

 

Great to hear from someone who's had their own experience.

[Batya33]

Because it's not nice to be passive/non-assertive if you're holding things back that cause or can grow into resentment. That's selfish/self-absorbed/insecurity but it's not nice. Nice is when you have reasonable boundaries that you express in a healthy, centered way and you give because you like to give, not just to get something in return, including approval.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Too bad people who treat their partner like a doormat never come on here and ask "how can I be more considerate of my partner and not take advantage of her/him". In other words, while we can tell people to set boundaries and that is important, why can't other people have a strong sense of not pushing the boundaries of others, especially when they know full well they themselves would not want to be treated like that. Yes, this is a rhetorical question...kind of like asking why we can't have world peace. However, my point is that although it is important to set boundaries, it is also important to recognize that there is a character defect in a person who takes advantage of the kindness of others, thinks everything is fair game and can only stop themselves if the other person says no...in other words, there is no inner conscience and proper code of conduct telling them that they are overstepping reasonable boundaries.

[Eviee]

I have had 2 relationships, the first one is the worst one I think I'll ever have. He was abusive in every way you can imagine, and no matter what, I stayed with him for 4 years. I revolved my whole life around him and gave up everything I loved just to make him happy. I even left my family to move closer to his. All I would receive in return was his abuse while he went and cheated on me several times. Finally I just turned off all emotions in my body, I was literally like a robot. I started talking to other people and making new friends that made me start having feelings of happiness and realized how miserable this monster was making me, and I finally had sense enough to tell him it was over and I left him.

 

During that time I realize I had very low self-worth and I felt like I deserved this type of person in my life. I felt like I needed him even though he wasn't healthy for me at all and I wasn't getting anything from the relationship. It baffles me as to why, but I guess sometimes your heart has a lot more control over you than your brain.

 

If someone loves you and is healthy for you, they won't make you feel like a door mat, and the relationship wouldn't be one-sided. If you have to figure out ways of trying to make the person respect you enough or love you enough to treat you kindly, that's wrong in itself and you shouldn't have to force them to treat you well.

[mfan]

Well the question is - How can you not become a doormat?

 

It's quite hard, because you WANT to be nice to your girlfriend/boyfriend at the same time.

 

If you're being nice to your partner because you want them to feel a certain way or do certain things for you, then it's usually healthy and thoughtful. If you're being nice to your partner because you DON'T want them to feel a certain way, or to PREVENT them from doing certain things, or to try to PREVENT certain things from happening, then it's usually not healthy. Then you are being nice out of fear. This is when you are a doormat.

 

Often this happens in abusive relationships, e.g. you walk on eggshells or try to act sweet & agreeable to prevent your partner from getting mad or prevent him/her from doing something. This is not active friendship; it's defensive niceness. It also occurs in ordinary, non-abusive relationships too sometimes and it's important to carefully examine WHY you are being nice.

 

Think about why you are being nice - are you being nice out of fear that if you're not then x/y/z might happen? That's not true goodwill. Then you are being a doormat. Are you being nice because you genuinely like the other person and you would wish them well even if you weren't in a relationship with them? Then you are being nice in a healthy way.

[snippot II]

Check out the book called 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'. It is actually not as harsh as the title. Many women have reported that they appreciated their man reading the book. Its not about being a jerk, its about keeping it real and balanced. Most women would appreciate that. We know all to well that being a doormat or a jerk ultimately kills attraction. This book helps find that balance without becoming a deuche bag.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Speak up.

 

Something feels off, speak up.

 

Your partner said something that stung your feelings, speak up.

 

They do something a little thoughtless, speak up.

 

Don't be afraid to rock the boat. It does not have to arguing or nagging, just communicating to express yourselves to each other a little better everyday.

[mfan]

What do you do if you're ALREADY getting walked over in a relationship but you want to start getting some respect, yet you don't want to break up.

 

BTW, I bet your partner will be HAPPY if you stand up for yourself (in a polite way). Have ou ever been friends with someone who is a doormat to you? It's actually very stressful and annoying having to make all the decisions. If you make suggestions of your own, then you're free to decline some suggestions of your partner because you are contributing to the relationship.

[FrogIsFree]

Of course, and apologies if I sound pessimistic, but this will be the test of your relationship.. actually keeping the status quo can be - along the lines of what Sidehop has said - be unhealthy, if not very unhealthy. So by testing things out with the boundary setting, you will find out how committed they are to your happiness not just their own.

..I did this, and while some relationships are made stronger by it by learning a new respect for the other partner and the partner using the other as a doormat may perhaps become less selfish - it can also establish whether or not this person is bottom-line selfish and unprepared to shift.. I know your aim is to stay together, but unless you try out Sidehop's suggestions you will never know and if you find out they arent prepered to show you more respect, then the next obvious thing is: is that partner right for you - whether at this time or for the future. In my case, he wasn't prepared to change for more than 3 days each time and eventually I realised he was not willing to change the way he disrespected me and used me and took me for granted, his selfishness was not just too engrained but he was just choosing not!

When I couldn't fathom how he could see me miserable while I did all that I could to make him happy whilst at the same time putting myself equal - eg going out with my own friends (he got very jealous, critical and became more controlling as one of several examples I can quote), I realised he didn't care enough about me to want to change to be in a healthier = balanced relationship. I had no choice but to leave him because this was about loving, respecting and equally valuing myself not to allow him to keep treating me like a doormat and him refusing to meet me halfway and compromise over anything at all - always his way or the highway! ..not a recipe for happiness, just a recipe for a lot of tears and years of continued unhappiness.

I made a choice.. we all have the ability.

Testing it is the only way you are going to find out what perhaps you fear.. that maybe this person doesn't respect and therefore love you the way you deserve.

You need to think of your own self-worth. I clung on to the relationship I described for too long, after setting boundaries he eroded, while trying to make it work.

For us it didn't work out, for you I hope it does but testing then being honest with yourself, whilst painful, is essential.

[Snowy]

Thank you.

[EmilyE]

BUMP!!

 

I know I pulled this discussion up from a year ago, but I got a lot out of this. I am struggling with the thought that I am a doormat in my relationship. From what I'm reading, I don't feel like my partner was disrespecting me necessarily, but I wasn't standing up for myself, ever. More so, I believe I am a very giving partner (for example, I like to buy gifts, go out of my way to do nice things, make him dinner, etc.) which i dont think is a bad thing, but I think I deserve the same in return. I was not getting the same in return, so in turn, I feel like I am a doormat. but should i change how I like to treat my SO just because I'm not getting it in return? not sure if that makes sense, but I can't help that I like to do nice things to make him feel good. I just derserve it in return. At the beginning of our relationship, he did this stuff all the time, but it slowly went away. Does this make me a doormat? I dont feel like i was being walked over per-se, more so that i was doing TOO much for him if that makes sense.

[penelope13]

I'm not sure if 'being a doormat' is the same thing as giving presents and not getting anything in return.

 

Don't give presents if you expect the favor to be returned. I don't think it's the right spirit of giving presents (just a personal opinion). Give him something because it's the way YOU express your love, but accept if he has a different way of expressing his love. If it comes to a point where it's truly bothering you - then you need to explain to him how important it is for you. Don't expect him to automatically know 'how you want to be loved'. People are really different in that aspect (I think some books reduce it to 5 different love languages).

 

As for being a doormat: I think this applies if you never voice if something is bugging you either out of fear or because of a believe that you always have to put the other person first. Having differences of opinion is normal and healthy. Thus expressing your differences is a healthy necessity. Making sure that the other person is aware of those differences is your responsibility.

 

As a general guideline, I think as long as you don't do anything that you might feel resentment about later one, you will be fine.

[RyanJ]

Set boundaries, stick to boundaries.

 

Sometimes this leads to breakup, and that's OK. I've found a lot of women will smarten up when they realize you're not going to tolerate drama, BS, etc.

 

It's super hard to just snap to boundaries if you let them be pushed around for a long time though. You'd have to sit down with her and explain how you're feeling, that you really feel the need to establish clear boundaries and stick to them. Obviously she's going to test you on them, so you have to be willing to walk the walk.

[NotAPenquin]

Youve got to learn how to say no.. there is a difference between wanting to make your partner happy and wanting to please them. Set boundaries and stick up for yourself.. if they are doing something you dont like you have to speak up, dont let them get away with things. If you find doing something for the other person makes you unhappy then you dont do it.

 

I make the mistake of becoming a doormat because i think growing up thats what i was taught from my parents.. my mother did everything my father said no questions asked and i thought that was the norm, and as i got older i realised it was wrong.. and i have to wonder how unhappy my mother must have been.