NotAPenquin

I think i dont want to be with you anymore? You came back yesterday saying you missed me, and that we should talk about it all.. you assumed i wanted to be with you straight away. And after talking and just looking at you i realised i do not want to be with you. I was looking at you, watching you talk and i felt like i just.. i feel disapointed in you.. you gave up and you left, it hurt when you left, and i will never put myself through that again, because you dont deserve me.. i think if i stay i would be staying just so no one else could have you, it would be selfish.. but you * * * * ed up.. and i dont think i want to be with someone who had to second guess if they wanted to be with me or not.. You found out that person you were dating last year is with someone now, you found out your ex is with someone now.. is that why you came back? because i was your last option. You kept hinting for me to be soppy with you.. wanted me to tell you how i feel.. how i love you.. but i didnt.. kept asking me why i was looking at you.. what i was thinking about.. asking do you look different.. did you really want me to tell you what i was thinking? How much i wanted to tell you to go * * * * yourself.. then telling me how you think three somes are hot.. they arnt hot they are degrading.. why would you be with someone if you could share them with someone else.. its sick.. but its your preference.. maybe thats where we differ.. i have respect for myself and the woman i am with.. where as you have no respect for anyone and you have no respect for yourself. You can continue to live that life, drink, drugs and sex and maybe one day youll see how much you * * * * ed up. I dont know what ill say when we talk but i have no plans on been your friend and i dont think i have any plans on been with you.. ive already suffered the hardest blow.. the moment you told me you didnt know and then left.. now i find myself not wanting anything i used to want.. i want something long lasting.. i want something youll never be.

I dont know if its the lack of sleep because im not sleeping right at the moment or if its how much im beginning to miss you. I feel very lonely and depressed today.. i miss you but i dont know what it is im missng about you? Ive accepted that this wasnt all your fault, i understand i let you treat me that way, i let you get away with it.. i should have been stronger, should have had respect for myself. I just wish we could talk because i miss your smile, but ive took the first step and accepted its over and im beginning to move on. I feel like crying.

Im still trying to work out what we had and how i feel for you, it must be something because i think about you everyday.. close my eyes and see those times we spent together. You said you need more time so im giving it to you.. i just cant help but think your out there looking and if you cant find anything better then youll come back and settle for been with me. I understand your scared, pushing me away.. but is this really fair on me? I mean what if i was sitting here heart broken holding onto the hope that after this little break you would come back and we would be happy again.. but then you came back and you didnt want me at all.. this prolongs my pain while your out there healing and maybe finding a replacement. I guess we just see things differently because i always thought that if you ever had to ask the question 'Do i wanna be with this person' that the answer should always be no because you should never second guess something that you love, its like saying your willing to loose it because your unsure how you feel.. and if you lost it.. oh well i was unsure anyway. Its hard, and im scared of your answer been no when you come back that you dont want this anymore.. but im more scared your answer will be yes but that i wont want you anymore.

Why do you continue to contact me to tell me another reason why your scared it wont work? You know i want this to work.. but its like everytime your lonely you contact me again to get some validation.. push my buttons for a reaction. It has to stop.. i have to stop replying and feeding your ego.. im going to stop.. i cant do this game anymore.. you said you hate drama yet your the one who creates it.. So day 1 of NC again.

Ive been thinking about you alot today.. Its only been a day an a half that i went full no contact.. Told you to sort out your issues. I just dont like that your playing the victim, how it hurts you..how you wish it could have worked. If thats so why didnt you even try. I told you what needed to be different, i asked you what do i need to change and you wouldnt answer.. Asked you to stop doing one thing and you couldnt do that and now everything is messed up. But its most likely for the best, hurts that not even two days have gone by and your already out there looking.. I could do that, i could put myself out there to get a reaction from you but as you see im not selfish and ill wait.. But i dont know if im waiting to heal myself or if im just waiting for you to come back.. when i dont know if i really want to be back on that rollar coaster with you.. I wonder how you are, what your doing.. i bet you look beautiful today.. i hope your smiling right now..because no matter what happened or happens between us i still care about you alot.

Its taking everything i have to not blow up at you right now.. I feel angry so angry! The time we spent together ment nothing. I ended it because you wouldnt stop looking for something better.. told you please stop its hurting me.. you ignored me. I then expressed how much it is hurting us.. a whole conversation down the phone which i thought you finally understood but no! Because once i hang up you finish your little search. So i ended it because quite simple i deserve more.. and your looking again.. this is hurting.. it ended 5 hours ago.. oh my god it ended 5 hours ago and your out there looking.. my god you just did not have any feelings for me did you.........................................................

'We werent that offical anyway' Low blow.. thankyou so much for that line.. if thats the case you should never have told me you loved me.