dramallama Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 That is so rude! I hope your female friend deletes him from facebook - I just could NOT be friends with anyone that went out to make fun of anyone, let alone one of MY friends. Just see what happens on the day that you are meant to go golfing. Don't pressure or talk to her about what you saw of Facebook, just don't bring it up but if she DOES blow you off, you should really pull away from her, not because she was a bad date, but because that would be selfish of a friend to do. But you can just see what happens. Women DO do the friends thing - it's called the friends zone, and I'm pretty sure you're in it. Lots of women have male friends, but for some of them there is NO WAY that I would be able to feel romantically for certain ones. It's either there or it isn't. And for some men it's the same. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 I think maybe the ugly F***** comment was aimed at her and not me. So I don't think it's a big deal. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 God knows why she's arranging going to the gym with her girlfriend when she's supposed to be golfing with me ? To recap: On Thursday she sends me instant messages on facebook and says 'she can't wait until the summer so she can be my caddie' - I tell her I'm off next week and playing alot of golf. She asks me if she can join me one day. I say 'yes' - she says she will get back to me about when her day off is. Saturday - She sends me a message on facebook saying she is off Thursday and can she be my caddie. I send her a text telling when we are going to meet etc. She says fine but asks me to send her a text on Wednesday to remind her. (This makes me wonder because either she's got a bad memory or I'm not much in her thoughts !) Monday - She sends me a text telling me to remember to remind her on Wednesday and she is really looking forward to it. Today - She's on facebook. I don't want to interfere with whats she's doing but I send her a instant message asking her how work is. She doesn't reply so I go and do something else. When I come back she's sent me a message saying she tried to reply but I had gone blah, blah etc. She then sends a message to one of her girlfriends arranging a gym meeting on Thursday at 12.30. I then send her a message on facebook saying 'are we still going on Thursday ?' and she replies 'defo, looking forward to it' I then send her a text about the details. She replies saying 'she'll be there at 11' So either she has no idea how long a golf game lasts. She maybe thought it would last an hour. Or she just did it on purpose to see how I would react. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Let it slide of your back. It's her loss if she leaves early. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Still going. I'm not sure she's playing games of some sort. Was that some sort of test to see how I would react ??? I suppose I did the right thing sending message to her facebook and her mobile saying 'are we still on Thursday ?' Putter, re-reading this thread - I am starting to get this awful gut feeling that she is playing games because you are so innocent - it feels as if she can see & knows this and is messing about with you, because you are always there for her, no matter what! I have been trying to think as positively as I can about this woman, but it seems to stand out at me.. no matter how much I try to ignore it ..mainly because you are timid and so forth.. does that make sense? You are just being yourself, but unfortunately you remindme of a time in my life when I was always there for somebody and they basically took the mick out of me and took me for granted. I am not even sure how consciously she may be doing it but at the same time, I don't want to make excuses for her but I cannot deny that I am starting to get the impression that she is enjoying kind of being in control and you always being completely exclusively there for her, dropping everything for her.. and so on. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but it seems to make sense from the signs I recognise from actual experiences, that she seems to be using you.. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I get that feeling as well. It's better to have no friends, than people that use you. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I get that feeling as well. It's better to have no friends, than people that use you. I think this is a test Putter.. a chance to reclaim your worth and integrity? She is, like Dramallama has said, coming accross as not a friend and friends we really need come to us.., no matter how much we disbelieve and our confidence might be shattered, when we value our selves higher than the treatment we receive.. Sorry, to talk in we-s, but I am talking about real people not fictional people in theoretical scenarios! ..you deserve better than this being ragged around routine.. never knowing if you are coming or going!! It's almost feeling like.. because your confidence is so low in a few areas.. you are maybe even fulfilling a prophecy of `I am not worth it' and getting drawn to unhealthy relationships with people like this woman (not suggesting she is all `bad') but who don't give anything in return.. you are always hankering after something in her that never gets returned because she can see this about you and I think you may be blind to this ill-treatment, interpreting it as something good and clinging on to it for dear life.. I know Putter, I've been there.. I feel upset reading about this. Link to comment
bostonbruins44 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I haven't picked up on that,as far as her using him.I wouldn't put a lot of stock in the arranging a gym meeting with her friend .I think putter has made it obvious to her that he is cool with being friends with her .For me personally I would find it hard emotionally to be friends with a woman who I had romantic feelings for ,so I would be bowing out .Has she changed her mind about putter and now has feelings for him? Yes,it is possible.If putter can't make a move on her when they go golfing his best action [in my opinion] as has been mentioned is to withdraw from her and hope that she may come to him . Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I haven't picked up on that,as far as her using him.I wouldn't put a lot of stock in the arranging a gym meeting with her friend .I think putter has made it obvious to her that he is cool with being friends with her .For me personally I would find it hard emotionally to be friends with a woman who I had romantic feelings for ,so I would be bowing out .Has she changed her mind about putter and now has feelings for him? Yes,it is possible.If putter can't make a move on her when they go golfing his best action [in my opinion] as has been mentioned is to withdraw from her and hope that she may come to him . Only Putter can decide, as he knows her best, if putting stock in the gym thing makes sense fully. Putter knows none of us are making negative assumptions on here, just putting forward feelings and thoughts because we are concerned for him. He is a sweet guy, who is timd and this can't be denied as being significant. However, Putter is ultimately the only one who can be sure if she is using him or not..only time will tell. Link to comment
Someday_Soon Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I just got finished reading all 19 pages and I think you've handled this as well as humanly possible, Putter. I wish I had your tact and persistence, I'd probably be married by now. At any rate, I think she does see you as a friend, but that can change over time. It may have already changed. Keep playing it exactly as you have been, IMO. I think your instincts and strategy is right on target with this girl. Anyway, you'll know more later...good luck. Link to comment
galaxy71 Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 And what have you done to make yourself more attractive? Appearance, body language, looks, facial expressions, vocal tonality are things that you can improve on. I think if you work on being attractive to women in general, you will naturally know what to do when you fancy a woman that you like. I think working on those things is much more important than getting one special woman. The things you mention are not that difficult to correct. Once you correct those things, women will become receptive when you flirt with them. I think that the OP should work on the basics like appearance and body language before worrying about things flirting or getting that one special woman. If the woman you fancy rejects you, what are you going to do the next time that you like a woman? I really don't think that your special female friend fancies you in that way. I think you are stuck in the friendzone. I think this is a lost cause. You are one of her girlfriends. I hope that I am wrong. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I'm not really dropping everything because there isn't anything to drop. I don't do much, everything is by myself. I think she thought the golf was going to last for an hour and was making arrangments for after that. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Only Putter can decide, as he knows her best, if putting stock in the gym thing makes sense fully. Putter knows none of us are making negative assumptions on here, just putting forward feelings and thoughts because we are concerned for him. He is a sweet guy, who is timd and this can't be denied as being significant. However, Putter is ultimately the only one who can be sure if she is using him or not..only time will tell. What is she using me for though ? I think she was depressed, she came out of it and thought of some fun things to do. Remembered the golf thing with me and decided to go for it. She has no idea about golf which explains why she was making arrangments for another activity afterwoods. I should have realized this. She could have easily said she's changed her mind about it. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I just got finished reading all 19 pages and I think you've handled this as well as humanly possible, Putter. I wish I had your tact and persistence, I'd probably be married by now. At any rate, I think she does see you as a friend, but that can change over time. It may have already changed. Keep playing it exactly as you have been, IMO. I think your instincts and strategy is right on target with this girl. Anyway, you'll know more later...good luck. It is good when you think about it. Having female friends is good. This golf thing should be great fun. Me and her, nobody else sticking their noses in. A nice chat. I hope it's the first of many meetings. It's just there always seems to be a spanner in the works to spoil things. Well for me anyway. And it was seeing that message yesterday. I should really avoid facebook but it's kind of addictive. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I try and smile more and be more friendly. No idea what to do about my voice though ! Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 What is she using me for though ? I think she was depressed, she came out of it and thought of some fun things to do. Remembered the golf thing with me and decided to go for it. She has no idea about golf which explains why she was making arrangments for another activity afterwoods. I should have realized this. She could have easily said she's changed her mind about it. Your words: she just did it on purpose to see how I would react.. I wasn't saying it was a true fact you were being used but because you also said: I'm not sure she's playing games of some sort. Was that some sort of test to see how I would react ??? ..as I said only you might be able to know that and time will hopefully tell you clearly either way, but you have raised a concern that comes accross as consistent with behaviour of someone using you by playing with your feelings the way you have described: as seeing how you would react. Who would need to do that, if they weren't playing games and using you for her entertainment, at your expense? Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I try and smile more and be more friendly. No idea what to do about my voice though ! What do you see as the problem with your voice Putter? Can you describe more about it? Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Your words: she just did it on purpose to see how I would react.. I wasn't saying it was a true fact you were being used but because you also said: I'm not sure she's playing games of some sort. Was that some sort of test to see how I would react ??? ..as I said only you might be able to know that and time will hopefully tell you clearly either way, but you have raised a concern that comes accross as consistent with behaviour of someone using you by playing with your feelings the way you have described: as seeing how you would react. Who would need to do that, if they weren't playing games and using you for her entertainment, at your expense? That was just me wondering when I was down in the dumps. I don't believe it's true at all. She is just making fun of me for her entertainment. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 What do you see as the problem with your voice Putter? Can you describe more about it? I sound miserable and deadpan and bored. Imagine somebody talking who is bored and fed up. Times that by 10 and you get me. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 That was just me wondering when I was down in the dumps. I don't believe it's true at all. She is just making fun of me for her entertainment. I understand.. I fluctuate too! If you feel intuitively she is not, then good.. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I sound miserable and deadpan and bored. - like that man in the Ricky Gervais comedy trio?, where they sit around a table and talk - the one they are always taking the mick out of Imagine somebody talking who is bored and fed up. Times that by 10 and you get me. Have you, in your opinion, sounded like that since childhood? You may not want to change it, but if you did I suppose you could work with a vocal coach on your intonation to reflect your emotions etc.. in psychology and psychotherapy and vocal expression, the voice are not considered to be separate from emotional expression yet you say that you can feel fine but people can think you are down in the dumps.. I have had really contented and happy days, but to some people - who have commented - apparently, my face looked like a rainy day in winter! Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 - like that man in the Ricky Gervais comedy trio?, where they sit around a table and talk - the one they are always taking the mick out of Yes but worse ! Have you, in your opinion, sounded like that since childhood? You may not want to change it, but if you did I suppose you could work with a vocal coach on your intonation to reflect your emotions etc.. in psychology and psychotherapy and vocal expression, the voice are not considered to be separate from emotional expression yet you say that you can feel fine but people can think you are down in the dumps.. I have had really contented and happy days, but to some people - who have commented - apparently, my face looked like a rainy day in winter! Oh people are always commentating that I look miserable. Well not as much as years ago but it is still a problem. Never thought about a vocal coach. I'm not sure they exist do they ? Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Oh people are always commentating that I look miserable. Well not as much as years ago but it is still a problem. Never thought about a vocal coach. I'm not sure they exist do they ? In the first part of what you say about how you look: how has it improved and has there been any correlation between this and you feeling more connected emotionally to your own feelings? It might be an irrelevant question, but think it worth asking.. I worked as a vocal coach for many years..! I wasn't touting for business, honestly! It was a naturally occurring thought that it might help. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 tomorrow is the day, 11 o clock start. Confirmed it today. Don't suppose I will sleep much. I've got to build my confidence up for this. I dare not look at facebook. I had a glimpse and she was online. Of course in my mind that translated to she was chatting to her new fella / ex / or whoever. Still can't quite believe this is happening and why she's going along with it. It was her idea though, I would never have thought of suggesting it. So she must like the idea. She must want to do it. I'm sorry but I can't quite understand why. I'm sure when I get there I will be okay. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 In the first part of what you say about how you look: how has it improved and has there been any correlation between this and you feeling more connected emotionally to your own feelings? It might be an irrelevant question, but think it worth asking.. I think I looked more miserable when I was a teenager / young adult. I was (surprize) actually good looking. Of course now I have lost my hair alot and I don't look so good. It's the shape of my head. lol ! I worked as a vocal coach for many years..! I wasn't touting for business, honestly! It was a naturally occurring thought that it might help. I had a few sessions with a speech theropist (sp !) when I was 7 or 8. The teachers couldn't understand what I saying ! Link to comment
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