Sad Conclusion

[putter65]

Try to be as specific as possible so there is no room for interpretation. Ask her in person!

 

So if she doesn't ever answer any more of my texts then what did I do wrong ?

 

It must have been the golf thing. It must have been spending time with me that put her off. There's me thinking it went great but maybe that was just me. She isn't going to text 'that was awfull, I don't want to see you ever again' - instead put a 'had a great time, see u soon' meaning the complete opposite.

[putter65]

Go swimming,putter!!

 

The way I'm feeling I shouldn't be anywhere near water.

 

It's the knowing that I hate. The Knowing that things are not going to go my way. Horrible !

[bostonbruins44]

The way I'm feeling I shouldn't be anywhere near water.

 

It's the knowing that I hate. The Knowing that things are not going to go my way. Horrible !

Only concentrate on what you can do putter.Do your best ,let God handle the rest .Take your chances ,win or lose her !!

[putter65]

Only concentrate on what you can do putter.Do your best ,let God handle the rest .Take your chances ,win or lose her !!

 

I am trying my best but it never seems good enough. I took my chance didn't I ? With the golf thing ? I didn't act like a jerk. I did everything right. I suggested other meetings. That was quite a bold move for me. I didn't get a chance and blow it. I passed with flying colours. Or seemed to. I suppose one little stupid text from her and I'll suddenly feel loads better. I always try and do the right thing. And that was not to send her loads of texts and get on her nerves. I waited 3 days and sent one. Why hasn't she replied to my text ? Is it badness ? If so, what did I do wrong ?

 

She has done it before and then I sent another one and she answered that.

 

Success and failure with women. I don't see how I come into it. The golf thing, I did nothing. She came to me. I couldn't go wrong. There was nothing I did that made her come to me and ask to join me. She just decided. And now she has just decided to forget about it me (for the time being maybe ?) And there is nothing I have done to make her do this. Women decide. What I want doesn't come into it. That's my opinion anyway.

[dramallama]

You should have asked her in person - be confident and ask her on a DATE - IN PERSON! Either she will say yes, or she will say no. At that point, see it as her loss and move on. And take a risk and go swimming!

[putter65]

You should have asked her in person - be confident and ask her on a DATE - IN PERSON! Either she will say yes, or she will say no. At that point, see it as her loss and move on. And take a risk and go swimming!

 

The trouble with moving on is. I will be moving on to nothing.

[droy]

Then move on to nothing Putter!!! I'm going to be straight with you Putter and I apologize in advance how this might come accross. I've been following this thread since the beginning, and the situation you have here really is a woman who's going through a hard time and sees you JUST as a friend and NOTHING MORE. Read that again and let it sink! The problem is that you don't really understand the signs of when a woman is interested or what it's like to be with a woman who reciprocates your love for her. I know that feeling, and trust me so do a lot of people who post here. There's a reason this thread has been going on for so long and that's because people care about you, but no one can do the work for you.

 

You make out women to be these mysterious creatures when they are not really. A woman that is interested will make it known to you (ie lots of touching, laughter, body language). She will make herself VERY AVAILABLE to you. A woman that is interested replies to a text for example within minutes or at most some hours (depends if she's busy just like everyone else). She would never reply days later. Apply that logic, would you reply to someone that you are interested days later? No right..what makes you think women are any different?

 

You HAVE to be stronger and take risks. Risk looking like a complete fool, there's nothing wrong with that. That's what it takes to learn. Your worst enemy is you, no one in the world hates you as much as you hate yourself. You may think you are unattractive, different, and unable to be like other people but really all those feelings are your perception, not reality. Feelings are never reality. You are what girls refer to as a "nice guy" and I'm sure you think that it's a good thing but it's NOT. The sooner you learn that, the sooner you'll be able to recover. Here's the thing, the way you treat yourself soon becomes reflected on the way other people treat you. If you project yourself as someone of little value, people (including this girl) will treat you as little value. Women LOVE men that are not pushovers. You can still be nice, funny, and be yourself but learn to respect yourself first and women will follow. Don't tolerate this kind of behavior from other people. I mean think about it, would you play games to another person the way this girl has with you? This girl absolutely knows you like her btw, there's no doubt about that. She's known that for a long time, but she doesn't feel the same way. You fill the role of therapist to her. She likes talking about her problems but as soon as she's done with that, she's looking to be with someone else. Don't even bring up the golf thing, she was just looking for fun or maybe testing to see if you would man up but you did not pass that test and it just confirmed the thoughts she originally had about you.

 

There's a natural attraction between men and women. Men should be men and women should be women. Don't be her girlfriend and never apologize for wanting more. You need to cut off ties with this girl and look for someone that will appreciate you. It's a lot better to be alone than to be in the situation you are right now Putter. A woman will never be the answer to your solution. Confidence and happiness come from within. When you act so needy as you have acted, women pick up on that and are instantly repelled because no one wants to be in the position of being responsible for the other person's happiness.

 

Read the book. Feeling Good by David D. Burns. It will help you understand and also take some time off to work on yourself. Do things that you like to do, take risks and become comfortable with who you are. Approach women that you are NOT attracted to and become their friends to build some confidence. Once you have confidence women will be drawn to you, I guarantee that. You have a lot of good qualities (ie you are caring, thoughtful, intelligent etc) but people will not see those if you feel miserable about who you are. Confidence is something you work on, it doesn't come naturally for most people. The only way to work on confidence is to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. View it as a project.

 

I also recommend you take a break from these forums as well because I believe the attention you are getting is reinforcing your belief that what you have with this girl is very possible and not just in your head.

 

 

take care of yourself

I sincerely wish you the best.

[putter65]

Thanks for all that. I'm going to end this thread now. It's been going on far too long. Trouble with me is I don't take advice. I don't agree with some of what you say. She doesn't know I've got a crush on her. She wouldn't have bothered with the golf thing. I think she saw it just as some fun with a new friend and I treated it like that.

 

She often doesn't reply to her very best friends so it isn't a big deal. Just disapointing.

 

It's been alot of fun getting to know her. Very few women want to know me. And I think if you met me you would be amazed how confident I appear. And how charming I am. Yes I've gained all this from working as a cashier. I don't come accross as miserable at all. I type miserable things because when I'm down, I write on here. Five minutes later I am fine. It's just a release of a kind and I know how it must read.

 

I've never thought she was romantically interested. I figured 'friends' was better than nothing. I'm going to stick with that !

 

Thanks anyway for your words. Take Care xxx

[bostonbruins44]

But didn't you ask her out a couple of weeks ago ,initially and she said she was seeing someone? I think if she had a guy on her radar [someone she was highly interested in] she would be anticipating any possible text and responding very promptly.You can't really compare lack of responding to her best friends as that is more of an established relationship and not a possible romance.You may appear confident putter but your behaviour with this woman has not been confident.I am not lecturing you putter,this board is filled with shy introverted men .I think the confident thing to do would have been to back away from her when she turned down your initial asking out.By not backing away you told her you were cool with just being friends with her .Since you are going to end this thread .I will say it again I think you should back away from her,stop texting and the like for a couple of weeks and see what happens.

[putter65]

I asked her out at xmas, 2 and half months ago. And well it would have been silly to try and avoid at work since it was such a small shop so I acted like nothing had happened. I thought that was an adult thing to do. And then 2 weeks later she left and we all that drama. And she offered me her mobile and said 'stay in touch' which was followed by messages on facebook telling me to text her. Then we had about a month of the odd text here and there. And then she told me she was depressed, so I was naturally concerned and she came to see me at work. A couple of weeks later she asks me about golf. And then we go and have a great time !

 

So if you look at it like that she has been keeping in touch with me. She clearly said when she was talking about her depression that she didn't want a man in her life. I couldn't after hearing that start hitting on her.

 

Thanks for all your help on this Boston. I will leave here for awhile and maybe come back if there is something worth discussing.

[bostonbruins44]

All of the activities you mention sound like ''friendzone'' behaviour to me.I am not trying to burst your bubble,putter,I wish it could happen with this girl but think you need to pull in the reigns and not be so available to her ,if you want to change the result.

[putter65]

All of the activities you mention sound like ''friendzone'' behaviour to me.I am not trying to burst your bubble,putter,I wish it could happen with this girl but think you need to pull in the reigns and not be so available to her ,if you want to change the result.

 

Friendzone is way better than anything I've ever had. It's like winning the lottery.

[putter65]

All of the activities you mention sound like ''friendzone'' behaviour to me.I am not trying to burst your bubble,putter,I wish it could happen with this girl but think you need to pull in the reigns and not be so available to her ,if you want to change the result.

 

This is a brief history of the women who I have crushes on.

 

17 - this lass at school. I never told her because I knew she didn't like me back. When I had left school, I was walking along near these shops minding my own business and she is stood at this bus stop with her friend. She is pointing at me and laughing. Laughing hard as well. That was really nice.

 

22 - This lass who worked in this post office. When I walked in she used to look at this bloke and they would both smirk. Obviously they knew and found it funny. I'm the guy who people find funny. I did ask her out though, just stopped her in the street and asked her. She was quite nice about it.

 

29 - This woman at work. I asked her out. Not only was she very rude about it she reported me to the boss. This woman from personell came down to see me and told me the woman felt 'uncomfortable' when I was around her because I liked her.

 

Mid 30's - My cinema friend. I guess I loved her a little even though she was happily married. Alot of my time with her was nice but 2 years ago I saw her walk past my shop and when she got to the doorway she actually speeded up her walk. To avoid me of course. I only saw her once after that. I sent her a xmas card this year - she didn't return it.

 

Current woman - She's been nice to me. End of story.

[galaxy71]

I think you should meet people outside of work. There are a lot of oversensitive people at workplaces who complain to management for silly reasons. It is hard for to you to learn to be confident through trial and error when management isn't tolerant of innocent errors.

 

I wonder how much time and effort you put into trying to understand why women reject you when you show non-platonic interest in them. I know you did mention that you let some people in an internet forum look at your appearance and voice through a video. These rejections have something to do with the way you present yourself, your approach, or the type of women you go after. I wish you had a friend who could tell what you are doing wrong and how to correct it. Everyday, guys are hooking up with women without being their friends first. I get the feeling the reason why you are going friends first is beause you think that you will get rejected if you show you are interested in a women right away.

 

This brings up another point. The cinema woman and your current woman never had any interest in being your girlfriend or helping you find a girlfriend through introducing you to one of their single friends. I get the sense that they didn't want you to be confident in a sexual way around women because they did not want to lose their therapist male friend. At the very least, your cinema friend should have introduced you to one of her single friends. I think these women are selfish because they do not care whether you learn to be confident around women.

[droy]

Other people do not define your value only you can do that.

 

You list your brief history as evidence for your lack of worth and justification for what you have with this current woman to be enough given your belief of you lack of worth.

 

Let's reverse the situation, let's say a woman that you find unattractive flirted with you and asked to see you again. Would you be rude about it or point and laugh at her like these girls did? Without personally knowing you, I would still say of course NOT. This shows a lack of class and maturity on their end. It shows there's something wrong with them not you and it's actually good you find that out early on because you don't want to be with someone like that anyways.

 

I have to emphasize I really do you like Putter or else I wouldn't have bothered to even make an account just to post here but I won't beat around the bush.

 

There's 2 things I notice about your posts:1) You are not genuine to yourself. It is clear that you care about this woman and want more than being a friend. You believe that being her friend is good enough but secretly hope the friendship will flourish into more. How do I know this? Because there wouldn't be 33 pages of posts over someone that you see as a friend. When you see someone as just as friend you don't care nearly as much. You cannot be friends with someone you love (been there, done that). We are not build this way and it will only torture you. Be friends with people you are not attracted to.

 

Here's a scenario for you, now I want you to tell me without censoring/deceiving yourself how you would feel about the following?:

 

Your crush comes in with a guy around her. They both come to you, she introduces him to you and tells you that she's so happy she's finally found the right guy for her and they plan to get married. They then have a long passionate kiss in front of you.

 

Hypothetical of course but how do you honestly feel about that Putter? Can you honestly tell me you are absolutely thrilled for her?

 

The second thing I noticed from your posts is , and I mean this with no offense and out of care, you are too stubborn. Like you said earlier, you don't take advice from other people yet you post in the forums looking for advice. This tells me that the only advice you value is the advice that goes with what you believe anyways. When we go the wrong way, it doesn't make it right to drive faster. You gotta turn around. Entertain the idea that we all can use some advice sometimes.

[putter65]

Friends first is the safe and easy option. Too scared to do much else.

 

The people who saw me on the video just reinforced my belief that I am ugly, I look miserable all the time, I don't look attractive, I look silly, I talk silly and I look scary. I hate photo's and I hate it when I see myself in a mirror or window. I quickly look away. (I do try to smile more)

 

My cinema friend sometimes told me to find a girlfriend. Like it was easy. But she never tried to match make me and she knew loads of people. I did notice that. It makes me think I'm not much of a catch.

 

People at work poke fun at me all the time about this current woman. I've had quite alot this week because they got to know about the golf event. When we worked together, people would say things in front of both of us. It was always me liking her never the other way round. She would never laugh along with them or make any kind of comment. The only time she said anything was something like 'ignore them' - I like her for that because she could have easily have joined in with all of them.

[putter65]

Hi - I've have had a few women like me. This lightly retarded woman in the mid 90's. I treated her well even though I wasn't interested. I bought her a box of chocolates for xmas and I was always nice to her.

 

I don't think she would ever introduce a man to me. When I say I want to be friends with her, it's not really that. We are keeping in touch. I'm seeing her roughly once a month. Whether you call that friends I don't know. Yes I want her to be my girlfriend, if that doesn't happen I just want to keep in touch with her. I miss her, she makes me happy. I would hate it she disappears from my life (just like my cinema friend did without a reason)

 

The advice is all over the place. Some people say one thing, others on another forum say something different. I read it just for a bit of comfort really. I've nobody else to talk to. Of course it doesn't really change how I think or feel.

[dramallama]

But you pick and choose the advice that you want to hear. If advice comes along that is TOO proactive or you are too scared to put into practice you disregard it. What you are doing isn't working, so just for kicks, why don't you take our advice and be more bold? State your romantic intentions and if she doesn't bite, pull away.

 

You didn't answer droy's hypothetical situation... and I think even if your crush DID get a boyfriend, you would be upset but you would STILL hang around her and give her attention because you don't have the confidence to walk away.

[bostonbruins44]

But you pick and choose the advice that you want to hear. If advice comes along that is TOO proactive or you are too scared to put into practice you disregard it. What you are doing isn't working, so just for kicks, why don't you take our advice and be more bold? State your romantic intentions and if she doesn't bite, pull away.

 

You didn't answer droy's hypothetical situation... and I think even if your crush DID get a boyfriend, you would be upset but you would STILL hang around her and give her attention because you don't have the confidence to walk away.

Actually considering the dynamics of the situation ,putter wouldn't really have to be bold ,at the moment.I think he should pull back for a few weeks and then if she asks why he has been laying low,he comes clean with his feelings.Considering that putter already had the nerve to ask her out he is totally capable of doing it.

[Someday_Soon]

Actually considering the dynamics of the situation ,putter wouldn't really have to be bold ,at the moment.I think he should pull back for a few weeks and then if she asks why he has been laying low,he comes clean with his feelings.Considering that putter already had the nerve to ask her out he is totally capable of doing it.

 

I think putter has played this as well as humanly possible. He knows where he's been and where he is now. The perspective he has on his own life is unique because he's the only one who has ever been himself. Also, the situation between a man and a woman is dichotomous obviously. As such it is perhaps infinitely more complicated than a unilateral goal (ie., accomplishing a physical task) There are two parts to this equation and the variables on one side seem to be constantly changing. That raises the risk factor significantly and it is clear putter feels like he has a lot to lose. "A lot" being a something that is quite valuable to himself, her friendship. At the end of the day subjectivity and sentimental value is the sole possession of the individual, and no one is more prepared and capable of estimating that than he. I think Putter should continue to proceed by trusting his intuition.

[dramallama]

Because his inituition has REALLY gotten him what his wanted in the past (a girlfriend)? Um, no...

 

If what he as been doing isn't working, he needs to shake it up. Accept EVERY social invitation, invite people out himself, talk to at least 3 new people EVERY DAY even if it is just banter, sign up to a dating website, if he likes someone - ask them out, if they don't accept move along instead of stagnating on one person that is not recipricating... etc.

[bostonbruins44]

I agree ,to a point.No one knows the dynamics of this situation better than putter.As you say ,he doesn't want to risk losing her friendship,at the moment ,anyway.However,as others have suggested ,is he being honest with himself when he suggests he would rather be friends with her than to take a chance and have something more.

[bostonbruins44]

Because his inituition has REALLY gotten him what his wanted in the past (a girlfriend)? Um, no...

 

If what he as been doing isn't working, he needs to shake it up. Accept EVERY social invitation, invite people out himself, talk to at least 3 new people EVERY DAY even if it is just banter, sign up to a dating website, if he likes someone - ask them out, if they don't accept move along instead of stagnating on one person that is not recipricating... etc.

I agree,in theory.If putter was able to do as you suggest,then he would likely have a girlfriend in the near future.Asking women out is something putter and every shy guy usually have problems with .It's quite easy to suggest putter do that[ask women out ] but does his past history suggest that he will do that with a large enough group of women to find someone who will go out with him?

[dramallama]

It's all up to Putter. If he really wants a girlfriend enough, he will realise that you can't keep repeating the same actions and expecting different results. The past is in the past, but what Putter does have control over is how he acts in the future and that is what's important. Do I think he will really try to shake things up and try different approaches? Honestly, no. By his tone it's easier and less risky to make excuses than to take action.

[putter65]

Actually considering the dynamics of the situation ,putter wouldn't really have to be bold ,at the moment.I think he should pull back for a few weeks and then if she asks why he has been laying low,he comes clean with his feelings.Considering that putter already had the nerve to ask her out he is totally capable of doing it.

 

You see advice that is totally different. One says ask her, the other leave her alone.