putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 She hasn't given you the ''let's be friends '' speech because she hasn't had to.Your actions have made it clear to her that you are cool with being friends with her . If you had another woman who you were interested in I don't think you would be putting up with this girl's mixed emotions.You claim not to have any other prospects but perhaps it is your overfocusing on this one that is blinding you to other candidates. Why do you think she has mixed emotions ? Is it because she turned me down about the cinema ? And then 2 months later she is asking me about the golf thing. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 When you two golfed together did she touch you in any way? That is something you really need to pay attention to.Even if it is casual touching.If she was romatically interested in you I think she would be making an attempt to touch you,somehow.Did she touch you,putter?You have to be highly alert when you are with her alone and pay attention.Ask her out again to go golfing . I'm not sure touching is always important. There is this woman at work who always touches me. For no reason as well. When she walks by she'll touch my shoulder or hips. Before anybody says anything she's gay ! I may not have touched this woman at golf but there was loads of smiling at each other, laughing, eye contact. We were stood close many times. Like I've said before it could not have gone any better. She mentioned future meetings. I don't know why I feel a bit unsure now. I should be jumping up and down in excitement ! Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 I am sure if this woman stops all contact with me or gets engaged or whatever, another one will come along thats catches my eye and I will start to focus on her. It's always happened in the past. Like I've said, dozens of them. And this latest one is the only one I've got anywhere with. While I must admit I've never liked anybody as much as her but that's probably because of how nice she has been to me. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 I am sure if this woman stops all contact with me or gets engaged or whatever, another one will come along thats catches my eye and I will start to focus on her. It's always happened in the past. Like I've said, dozens of them. And this latest one is the only one I've got anywhere with. While I must admit I've never liked anybody as much as her but that's probably because of how nice she has been to me. I have noticed she is using Facebook alot more. I don't see this has she is coming on to see if I have left a message or whatever. You see that optimistic part of me died years ago. That what I find so confusing. If somebody asked me 'do you think she likes you ?' my answer would be 'not really sure' - and that's as friend. Yet there is tons of evidence to say she does like me. And Thursday was great and it wasn't that long ago was it ? I wish I could change how I think / feel. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 I have noticed she is using Facebook alot more. I don't see this has she is coming on to see if I have left a message or whatever. You see that optimistic part of me died years ago. That what I find so confusing. If somebody asked me 'do you think she likes you ?' my answer would be 'not really sure' - and that's as friend. Yet there is tons of evidence to say she does like me. And Thursday was great and it wasn't that long ago was it ? I wish I could change how I think / feel. Another thing. I have no idea how to act now. Do I send her alot of texts / messages ? If I do this I will think I am pestering her or getting on her nerves. Or do I keep my messages to a minimum ? If I do this, I sometimes think I am ignoring her will isn't nice. You see in my mind I can't do anything which I consider to be right. I think that's why I usually don't do a thing. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Another thing. I have no idea how to act now. Do I send her alot of texts / messages ? If I do this I will think I am pestering her or getting on her nerves. Or do I keep my messages to a minimum ? If I do this, I sometimes think I am ignoring her will isn't nice. You see in my mind I can't do anything which I consider to be right. I think that's why I usually don't do a thing. Putter, you really need to work on being confident in your own decisions.. I understand you are looking for reassurance and advice.. absolutely what this forum is about - but I am trying to encourage you to get stronger in yourself and stop doubting your every move, until you are frozen to the spot unable to move (I am a bit of hypocrite.. because I do this sometimes, but I am learning to take my own advice rather than dish it out in an `all good in theory' speech to other people! ..) I think you are in a really strong position to be able to be able to assess where you are at emotionally after the golf day. Sorry if I sound a bit belligerent - I am just wanting to hear you are starting to take charge and decide what feels right ie trust your inner feelings more.. I used to doubt myself so much but trust me when I say it is such a great feeling not to be at the mercy of other people's comments and actions, but to decide for yourself what feels right and what you feel happy doing.. sometimes doing nothing is fine, too - a lot of the time, it's about timing! The main thing is to be consistent ie don't slow down the message but perhaps you could start to relax more + enjoy a text banter with her, based on the last message she sent you! It's difficult to offer constructive advice about messaging without knowing what the last messages she sent you were.. I am not suggesting you share this, as it's obviously private infomation! Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I have noticed she is using Facebook alot more. I don't see this has she is coming on to see if I have left a message or whatever. You see that optimistic part of me died years ago. That what I find so confusing. If somebody asked me 'do you think she likes you ?' my answer would be 'not really sure' - and that's as friend. Yet there is tons of evidence to say she does like me. And Thursday was great and it wasn't that long ago was it ? I wish I could change how I think / feel. You can, but it just takes time! Honestly, I did it and am still doing it.. it is an ongoing process & you really have to start by being kind to yourself Putter..! In attraction and flirting is a thread I thought you should read.. but rather than reading the whole thread with loads of irrelevant posts (coz it's several pages long! ..), I thought I would copy & paste it for you in to this thread, I think it might help.. esp' as you've actually stayed positive, contrary to what you think, about being there for this lady - here it is `I had totally friend-zoned my husband. I did it for a variety of reasons, and it was only slightly based on looks (maybe 10%). I'll give you some advice on how to get a girl based on how he got me. 1) Have friends and be fun. He came off as a little sad and lonely based on our online interactions. The first time we talked on the phone, I heard him joking around with his friend in the background and laughing. This happiness he has and his sense of humor are some of my favorite qualities of his. 2) Just treat her well. I made a really dumb mistake the first time my husband and I met in person. I took him to the wrong theater which ended up making us late for the movie. But he didn't show any signs of annoyance, even non-verbal signs. He was so patient... that's the second I really got comfortable around him. 3) Have something you are passionate about. What really got me was my husband's passion for playing music. He is a great musician, but even if he was just good, I would have still been totally attracted to the fact that he was so passionate about something that he couldn't NOT do it. That's the advice I have from my personal experience. My husband would probably add specific things like maintain eye contact, be an active listener when she is talking, and who knows what. ' hope it's useful. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 All she said in her last message was 'had a great day, David. See u soon ' The only time I went beyond what I normally put is when she was depressed / stressed out. I normally put - how's u, are you ok and then I say what's I've been doing. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 My inner feelings are telling me to be patient. Keep doing what you are doing because it's obviously working. eg the golf day. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 My inner feelings are telling me to be patient. Keep doing what you are doing because it's obviously working. eg the golf day. good.. I am glad to hear you sound assertive, positive and strong - go with it! Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 good.. I am glad to hear you sound assertive, positive and strong - go with it! It's hard work though ! I think I should start giving myself little pep talks. That might help ! Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 It's hard work though ! I think I should start giving myself little pep talks. That might help ! Little treats too! Every time you notice yourself thinking more positively and every time you take a step forward with trusting your own feelings and decisions.. & not getting down if they aren't reinforced by somebody else, get yourself a nice drink at a cafe you think you like the look of and read a paper for half an hour - that's what I do!! or buy a new golf accessory - doesn't have to be anything expensive - maybe a golf keyring or if you drive something to go in the car.. etc It marks those little milestones, so that every time you make progress you have a positive memory to associate with that event or a new something to look at that reminds you how well you did so you feel proud of yourself - it keeps you growing confidence! Whatever else you decide on.. remember one thing: to be forgiving of yourself if you have an down day ie a slump.. it can't be highs all the time.. so you want to get a balance, feel better about your achievements but keep yourself grounded so you don't get `high' on it then feel depressed when you have a lull where not much is happening.. during those lulls stay occupied with positive activities you enjoy doing alone, until your next interaction.. it will refresh your mind as well as your spirits! Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 I'll try that, thanks ! Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 I wish I could have the attitude that people are lucky to be my friend. Instead of the other way round. This woman for example, everything I've done for her in the last few months - she should be delighted I've chosen her over all the others at work. Daft thing is she may think like this. It's obvious she's happy about her xmas present. She wouldn't have gone to golf with me if she didn't like me. She had a great time. Why has my confidence with her dipped since ? It should have gone up ! And it's not just with this woman. It's sort of with everybody. Anyway going back to work tomorrow ! What a thrill ! lol ! Link to comment
galaxy71 Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 I think it's just a tricky situation I am in. Yes I want to date her. But more important is not losing her as a friend. You see women don't like me and a woman who enjoys my company comes along every 10 years or so. I had this cinema female friend from 2001 to 2009. Last year I felt so lonely it was untrue. Now hopefully I have got another friend. I just don't want to mess things up because it's not like there will another woman waiting in the wings for me. And what did I say earlier? If you are good with women in general, you will naturally know what to do when you see that special woman. Even if your woman decides to date you and be in a relationship, you will be back to square one if she dumps you. The problem I see here is that you are putting her on a pedestal. You love her yet you know that she cannot reciprocate your feelings. This will make you needy. The woman you love is not your wife or girlfriend. The woman isn't even someone you dated a handful of times. It's insanity to do the same thing over and over. If your approach didn't work with all the other women who rejected you, including cinema girl, what makes you think it will work with this woman. I know this guy who just got rejected by this woman that he was really into. What did that guy do? He dated two new women the next week. His approach is the opposite of yours. He will go up to women that he barely knows and starts flirting with them. I wish you were posting about how you are joining singles groups and meetup groups and meeting new women. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Yep, I have to agree with galaxy. If this is as much of an issue for you as you say it is, why aren't you being proactive about changing it? But then you say "I have no confidence" So what have you done to increase your confidence? What have you done this year? What have you done this month? What have you done this week? What have you done TODAY, to help yourself be more confident and to change the aspects that you don't like about YOUR life? Because you are the only one has has control, and you're the one that has to live your life, and no one else is going to come along and change it for you. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 I am just naturally shy and going places to meet women will be difficult. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 Yep, I have to agree with galaxy. If this is as much of an issue for you as you say it is, why aren't you being proactive about changing it? But then you say "I have no confidence" So what have you done to increase your confidence? What have you done this year? What have you done this month? What have you done this week? What have you done TODAY, to help yourself be more confident and to change the aspects that you don't like about YOUR life? Because you are the only one has has control, and you're the one that has to live your life, and no one else is going to come along and change it for you. I've done a few things in the last couple of months to change things. I attended the xmas party. I've not done that for 8 years. I've got a woman's mobile number and started texting her etc. Started to chat with this other woman on facebook (I worked with her 10 years ago) And I think Thursday at golf was important. I didn't act nervous or shy. I felt confident. I should help me with future meetings with any woman. I like everything about my life. The only thing missing is a nice girlfriend. I don't really want to be some party animal, going out all the time. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 I am trying not to be needy with this woman. Yes I go on about on here. But I haven't contacted her for 3 days now. I am actually believe or not quite flirty with women at work. I find this no problem at all. It's the asking them to go and do something with me that I've always found difficult. All the success I've had with women is when they have asked me. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 I am trying not to be needy with this woman. Yes I go on about on here. But I haven't contacted her for 3 days now. I am actually believe or not quite flirty with women at work. I find this no problem at all. It's the asking them to go and do something with me that I've always found difficult. All the success I've had with women is when they have asked me. Do you think that in essence you just have problems reading the signs they are interested, hence you've only gone out with the ones who have approached you rather than you approaching the ones you are interested in and why you feel trepidation about asking them to do something because, like you've shown to some degree with this woman, you're ust not sure if they like you or not!? That's what seems to be at the heart of this and your entire thread. Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 Do you think that in essence you just have problems reading the signs they are interested, hence you've only gone out with the ones who have approached you rather than you approaching the ones you are interested in and why you feel trepidation about asking them to do something because, like you've shown to some degree with this woman, you're ust not sure if they like you or not!? That's what seems to be at the heart of this and your entire thread. Well I haven't gone out with many women. I have a few female friends though. And yes I think your right. I'm not sure if this woman likes me. Even now ! Link to comment
putter65 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 Well I haven't gone out with many women. I have a few female friends though. And yes I think your right. I'm not sure if this woman likes me. Even now ! It's not like I'm acting / thinking like this because of this woman. It's every woman I've developed feelings for. Right back to when I was 16. I've just sent her a catch up text. Why do I feel as though I am doing something wrong ? and also why do I think she won't answer it ? - Nothing has happened for me to think this. We didn't have a row. There is no sense to it. I am just strange I guess ! Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 It's not like I'm acting / thinking like this because of this woman. It's every woman I've developed feelings for. Right back to when I was 16. I've just sent her a catch up text. Why do I feel as though I am doing something wrong ? and also why do I think she won't answer it ? - Nothing has happened for me to think this. We didn't have a row. There is no sense to it. I am just strange I guess ! That last para you wrote comes over as you feel you might be rejected and you find ways to to avoid it to a certain extent. If this has gone on as far back as when you were 16, that's an awfully long time to have lacked confidence. I notice also from previous replies to your posts, that you are eternally pessimistic - not having a down on you here, but even not on those days you call (paraphrasing) your down days you are still negative in your expectations.. Just because something has been a certain way on a number of occasions, does not be they always will be that way ie turn out to be a disappointment and/or rejection. Things can change.. I am giving myself the same pep talk as I type this because I have been through lots of disappointments in my life and I wondered if it was always going to be like that.. but bottom line? You really have to believe it will change and even if you don't..it will. It is not too late.. in case you were also thinking that.. Link to comment
bostonbruins44 Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 No,it's not too late considering putter's expectations.I don't think he desires to raise a family with this woman or any other?? He desires a romantic relationship and will let the chips fall where they may. Link to comment
FrogIsFree Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 No,it's not too late considering putter's expectations.I don't think he desires to raise a family with this woman or any other?? He desires a romantic relationship and will let the chips fall where they may. Putter seems to have more invested in this woman than that, if you ask me! ..I have to be honest ..or he wouldn't be posting on here about her so much, if that wasn't the case. Link to comment
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