Did I abuse my ex-girlfriend, confused and bewildered

[someotherguy]

Hi guys'n'girls,

 

I'm just looking to see if anyone can see i did anything wrong in regard to my ex-girlfriend. I can't understand it.. treated her like a princess and then *bam* accused me of rape.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy here.. just answers to questions.

 

Hmm.. It's gonna be a long nigh.. *sigh*

 

*Starts Typing*

 

I dont really know where to start with a story such as mine, so please bare with me and i'll start from the start.

 

In 2002, i moved out of my parents house (at age 18 ) and moved to another city for schooling. I stayed on student residence there.

 

On the residence, i met and because friends with a girl named *emma*. Me and em became closer and closer friends during the first year and although she liked me romantically, i did not feel that way.

 

Fast-forward to the second year on student residence. At the start of the year, me and emma got closer and closer together and because really close, intimate friends.

 

Then she started going out and sleeping around with different guys and although we weren't romantically linked at the time this really hurt me, as it felt like she was being used (and indeed she was.. i've since found out that alot of girls sleep around for the temporary feelings of love).

 

about a month after she stopped sleeping around we got that close that i asked her out and she said yes. Following that we had 6 wonderful months together on student residence (Even at that time i knew she had depression, undiagnosed, but it was pretty obvious from her mood sometimes, and i supported her as much as possible).

 

At the end of last year, we got a house together (6months together), because she did not want to go home to her parents house over christmas.

 

We were together for about 5months until earlier this month, and there never seemed to be anything wrong with the relationship, and then something happened.

 

She went home on a friday, and the next wednesday the police arrived on the doorstep of out house together saying that she said that i raped her 4-10 times in the last 11months. I was devastated, and had to break lease at the house and move back to my parents house.

 

Following this, came one Intervention Order hearing, and it's been almost 1 month since i've been able to speak to her at all, and i dont understand what went wrong.

 

The only two things that come up in my mind are that sometimes after consentual sex, she looked a bit down and i said "what's wrong honey", and she told me that she didnt really want to have sex and i said "why didnt you say something, say no" and she said "because you wanted to".

 

Well of course i felt terrible. I couldnt understand how someone would consent to something they didnt want. Hurt me that she couldn't communicate to me that simple fact.

 

Apart from that, a couple of times when we were intimite afterwards she would go to the bathroom and tell me that she had a little bit of bleeding, and that shocked me.. i was stunned, and asked her to go to the doctor, because she was on the wrong pill, and i was worried that either i had hurt her, or it was break-thru bleeding, either way not good.. it occurred to me she may have even had cylmedia.. so i did try to get her to go to a doc. Someone with depression isn't someone you want to push tho.

 

But she never did.

 

Back to the depression. This whole thing got me stunned because she never talked about problems in our relationship, never seemed scared, upset, frightened, nervous, etc around me, and was always happy with me... and i supported her with her depression as much as i could.

 

It just hurts so much when you know that someone you love is hurting but you cannot hug/hold/talk to them. All i wanted to do is support her, and she pushed me away.

 

So now i'm going through a rough break-up with my own feelings of uselessness, guilt (asking myself ... did i do something) and suicidal thoughts (if i hadn't had such good friends and family i probably be dead).

 

On top of that i've got the whole stigma of being accused of something i am 99% sure that i didnt do.

 

I've since talked to counsellors, family, friends, and for the most part (even rang lifeline, VAW (violence against women) hotline, and mensline) most people cannot understand what happened.

 

What hurts the *MOST* is that she's moved back to the city where we lived together, back into student residence (yup, where we met), and is from all reports (mutual friends) having a great time, laughing, joking about things, and saying stuff like "hehehe... the day of our anniversary was the court date.. how tragic".

 

According to mutual friends she told one of them it was "8-9" times (as opposed to the 4-10 she told the police) and that she said "no" but she doesn't think i heard. I can understand that a guy who's preoccupied mighn't hear once or twice (especially if she has been whispering).. but 4-10 times ?.

 

I seriously doubt that. Maybe she truly did feel bad, but anytime i thought i heard her say no.. or was getting negitive bodylanguage i stopped, or at least hesisited and looked at her..

 

I was always so careful to make sure she was comfortable, and for this to happen was really harsh.

 

Showing no signs of someone who's been abused, and just acting really weird. It hurts me that she's gotten over everything so easily, and here i am stuck with all the emotional baggage.. goddamit.. i almost killed myself a few different occasions, because i couldn't handle it. (I'm seeking therapy).

 

I just hope someone out there might have some idea's of what was happening in her head, or maybe someone can give me some idea's or suggestions of what someone going thru sexual assault, or just even major depression, feels like.

[Beec]

If she wanted to say no and did not, then she may, from what I've been told, convince herself that she did. I've had an experience when a woman claimed I did this, but I never heard it. But in addition to claiming she said it, she remembered our encounter in a way that was entirely different from reality.

 

We had begun making out on her couch, shortly after a visitor left for the airport. We moved to the floor, still fully clothed and continued. Things were getting frisky, and we talked about and agreed to take a shower. We undressed each other a bit and ourselves a bit, but it happened together. Then we fooled around naked for a minute before getting in the shower, fooled around in the shower, got out and dried off. My first, then her into a waiting towel, then we went back to the living room floor, and I told her I was going to kiss her all over, and I did just about that.

 

In her version, we did not make out before the shower, got undressed separately at different times, and I just followed her into the shower. And she claimed she said no at sometime.

 

Her version was just not a part of reality. After hearing it, I left and walked out. Have not seen her since. Figured one of us was living in a fantasy land, so we just should not be together.

 

Someone told me this is a Madonna/prostitute (the synonym that rhymes with bore was edited) syndrome where she changes the facts to make them acceptable to her. I cannot talk about the things that might have gone on in her head. I just knew she was not telling the truth, so whetehr she thought it was true or not, I was gone.

[mandylee4christ]

Perhaps legal advice is in order? I mean it's fine to get advice about your relationship with her, but if she's accusing you of rape, you'd better have some kind of legal representation just incase.

[Beec]

Perhaps legal advice is in order? I mean it's fine to get advice about your relationship with her, but if she's accusing you of rape, you'd better have some kind of legal representation just incase.

 

Thats a good idea. I just assumed he already had it. If he doesn't he needs it. A conviction will screw up his whole life.

[neewollah]

That is seriously (PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR) up!

 

Legaly speaking, what can you actually do??

 

 

It is the male's word against the female's word. Law most of the time, if not always, is on the female side...

 

 

Heck, that is really messed up.

[someotherguy]

Your all correct in assuming that i had legal advice... hell yeah!.

 

Cost me $350 for 5 minutes at the intervention hearing.. ouch!.

 

Was kinda nice to see the look on her parent's face when my lawyer walked into the court tho.. priceless. Most people don't get a lawyer for an IVO hearing, but i was damned if i was going to lay down and take it. In the end i "consented without consent of allegations in complaint".. which is lawyer-ese for "have your bloody IVO, but i don't agree with what it says".

 

Aside from my emotional baggage, i was very angry and annoyed that this *wonderful* person (or at least the person *i* knew was) would do this to me.. and i did seek legal advice.

 

Sadly ... nothing can be done. It would cost me a fortune to sue her, especially seeing as i would have to have doctors and psychiatrists

reports and don't have the finances to do so. Ah.. it's so unfair.. what is it .. justice for the rich ?.

 

To get the IVO overturned would mean that i'd either have to present new evidence (and most things i have are heresay, even though i'm sure my friends would take to the stand), or she would have to want it overturned.. fat chance of that.

 

I think she is in real need of treatment for depression (and possibly delusion).

 

But yes, i've got legal representation. It's been over a month since the IVO hearing, and no more knocks on the door.. so i think in terms of further action, i'm in the clear.

 

But neewollah is right.. it is seriously (PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR) up.. and made me that way too.. anxiety attacks, depression, et. al.

[brtlangst]

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that! I had always had this feminist idea when it came to rape laws...but now that I read your post I can see where some of the laws aren't fair. All I can say is that depression can really mess up your head, I am clinically depressed and have had my share of "delusions" but none quiet so vivid. I hope you can find a person that will treat you right in the future.

[someotherguy]

Thanks for posting everyone.

 

thanks brtlangst, i hope i can find someone one day too. truly thought she was the one. Sadly i still love and care for the girl, after everything that has happened.

 

Just can understand how a (alledged) rape victim, and someone who's been thru a rough breakup could act.. normal .. for all intents and purposes. Meanwhile.. i'm having the worst time of my life.. grr.

 

Just sad... can't get things out of my head.. get flashbacks.. almost like i have PTSD.

[Francis]

He was two years younger than I was, but extremely religious and I knew he never had sex. We dated for a few months of bliss. He was wonderful and still is, I guess. He was a virgin, I had already had one long and serious relationship in the past.

 

He mentioned sex a few times, but I told him that this was too early in the relationship, that I wanted us to know each other really well. I knew that he would go through a difficult period because of religion, I had had my own issues myself when I first started having sex and I told him about that.

 

Once we were just sleeping the siesta at my place (I lived in residence at that time) and he wanted to have sex and I told him again that we should perhaps wait a little more, although I was dying to be intimate with him.

 

He then took his clothes off and eventually I did too and we had sex and it was really nice. The problem is that I was very worried after the whole thing because, with all the passion, I completely forgot about protection and I was in the middle of my month and my period got late. I was really worried and he reacted rather badly about the whole situation, things got ugly, he told me he would not want a baby, bla, bla, so that I just broke the relationship off and that was the end of it.

 

A few months later, and I don't know how he distorted the whole event in his head, he accused me of taking sexual advantage of him. He was a virgin, bla, bla. I had then to remind him : "Who is the one who took his clothes off?" for him to assume responsibility of what happened.

 

I think that very religious persons who suffer of guilt with respect to sex do sometimes put the responsibility on the other person in order to exculpate themselves. I don't think they'll do that in purpose, but I think it could happen.

 

The lesson to be learned is that : when you start a relationship you must make sure that the person is 100 % agreeable to having sex, and makes a free and informed choice to have sex.

 

Now, if you are being accused of rape, the problem is why did she wait so long to accuse you? I hope this helped you realize that this is not uncommon.

 

Take care!

[someotherguy]

Just thought i'd do the whole *update* thing

 

Been a couple of months now, and the ex-missus now has another b/f, has had him for a month or more, and is from all accounts having regular sex with him.

 

hey, good luck to them i say, but WTF is someone who *apparently* went thru this whole "horrible, emotionally damaging" rape, then a couple of months later, be 100% comfortable screwing someone else.

 

It stinks.

 

Ciao,

[Francis]

Yeah, she stinks.