Fiance shares things with his sister who then tells his mom, etc....

[floridagirlal]

I have recently found out that my fiance shares our arguments, plans, etc with his sister. I'm uncomfortable with this because I feel like our arguments or plans should be between us and not shared with his sister who then tells his mother. I don't necessarily think that he shares every little detail with them but he does talk to his sister to try to get her take on the situation. Should I just be happy that he is sharing with his sister and not some other woman?

[Lonewing]

Welcome to the family. If he has trouble, and he can't talk to you about it because it's argument fodder, he's going to ask them first.

[derroax]

I understand where you're coming from, it would bother me too, but at the same time I realize that I also share things with my mom and my close friends, especially if there's an argument and I need to vent or need emotional support. This doesn't mean that he doesn't respect you or what you two share, but that he is an open person who likes to talk when something is on his mind. If anything, it shows that he can communicate and that he won't keep his plans or emotions bottled up. It doesn't sound like he is doing this to hurt you, but because he is used to ask for support or advice from his family, and if you two are going to be a family soon, it's great that he puts so much importance on what they think.

 

If he was making decisions that involve you, without asking you and asking his sister instead, then you should talk to him about it.

[floridagirlal]

So, it sounds like it's not really something that I should make a big deal about? I just hate the thought of not knowing what he has told them about our arguments. I also know from past experience that when I tell my parents/family something about an argument, and then I make up with my bf/fiance/husband, my family is still upset about the issue but I move on happily because I made up with him. Does that make sense? I learned this the hard way from my first marriage and I WILL NOT share details with my family about this marriage. I don't want them to end up hating him like they did my first husband.

[cm17]

I understand what you mean about sharing stuff with family. Unfortunately it does have its impact on relationships. My brother has a few issues with my ex because of how much I vented about him. However as I'm really close to my family and trust their opinions and discretion above all my friends it was near impossible not to share my emotions with them. Now, obviously there are some things that should be kept private. If my significant other ever told me anything that they wanted to be confidential of course I wouldn't share. Is your fiance sharing really intimate things? If he isn't I think you should be happy he has someone to talk to and vent to. Not everyone can have a therapist... and in most cases people turn to the people they are closest to. I think it would be harder on your relationship to keep everything bottled up between the two of you. If its really bothering you though I'd go ahead and have a discussion about boundaries, maybe its only certain things you mind him sharing? If he loves you he isn't going to say anything that really puts you in a bad light, he would be the last person that would want to poison your reputation with his family. Or so I'd imagine anyway.

[Lonewing]

Just consider everything you have said with him to be in the crib of potential things he tells them, though with your experience you are well versed in how much to share. He'll get there in time...unless his family is more understanding. Your family, it sounds like, is a "your truth is the whole truth" kind, which...well, there's three truths and only one of them is complete!! [His truth, her truth and THE truth!!]

 

I dare say you'll need to find ways to communicate with your own family in time, to make things work. They're your support network.

[floridagirlal]

Lonewing, I've learned not to tell my family anything really. I tell them how happy I am (and I really am) and about all the good things that he has done for me. They really love to hear those things. And you're right....they cannot believe that there could be any other truth than what I've just told them. I always roll my eyes when they relay something that my brother has told them about his wife. They always act as if my brother is absolutely a saint and his wife must just be crazy!!! LOL!

 

CM17, He is not relaying intimate details. I'm pretty certain of that. An example of something that I know he has told: We originally decided on an October wedding date. I recently brought up the possibility of moving it up to May. He thought it was too soon so we left it that we will see how long the house addition takes for completion and then we can renegotiate the wedding date. Next thing I know, his sister mentions to me on Christmas that she is so happy that we have decided on an October wedding. While this seems like just a random comment, I know it was a push in his direction for me to agree to October vs. May.

 

I know this example is really harmless but it bugs me that she is aware of our conversations and must throw her 2 cents in to the decision. Ya know?

[derroax]

So, it sounds like it's not really something that I should make a big deal about? I just hate the thought of not knowing what he has told them about our arguments. I also know from past experience that when I tell my parents/family something about an argument, and then I make up with my bf/fiance/husband, my family is still upset about the issue but I move on happily because I made up with him. Does that make sense? I learned this the hard way from my first marriage and I WILL NOT share details with my family about this marriage. I don't want them to end up hating him like they did my first husband.

 

In this case I can understand why you feel this way. My best friend always comes up to me for support whenever she has an argument with her boyfriend, so naturally I know a lot of "bad" things about him since arguments are the main thing she shares about her relationship. At the same time, not having someone to talk to when you're down or when you feel stuck, is much worse, and I don't think we can tell others how to choose their friends/partners/confidants. I do however understand your concern and it is possible that at one point his family might also take his side because of the arguments he shared with them. His family's opinion shouldn't matter to you though (you're not married to them, and your self esteem does not come from what they think of you) and it sounds like he's a mature and adult man who can tell the difference between what his family tells him (which might sometimes be biased) and the reality.

 

Personally, I don't think that we should restrict others' relationships, especially with their family, but you could share this previous experience with him (which you probably have already) and before sharing something private with him, ask him to keep this between the two of you.

[Lonewing]

I understand precisely what you're saying, there's things I daren't tell my family less it gets back to dad and everythign does. But in my case,if we had been a little more open on some things, my brother might still be alive today - we never really saw it coming, but if we had put together all the pieces we each had, we would have seen my Ex-sister-in-law for the murderer who she now is - and perhaps it would have saved her life too. Oh well.

 

If you have both agreed upon a date in October, it's not good to start renegotiating things like that. My brother and sisterinlaw [i have LOTS of brothers and sisters!] are getting their marriage license this week, and then they'll have a proper ceremony in may for the families. This way they get the financial benefits [in my brother's case, an addition $1000 a month, no joke!] while getting a wedding date that is good for the whole family.

 

There's nothing wrong with a havest season wedding, either...I hope for your best!!

[Snny]

I agree with you OP, to an extent. discussing fights and arguments between you and him are not always appropriate to share with family or friends. Your fiancee needs to learn to grow up and handle his own martial problems instead of bringing other people into his drama. Maybe it's just me... but the way I would see it, it would be like "Oh... he can't handle an argument if he's wrong, so he's going to get family/friends to go against me" and it instantly becomes a power struggle because of feeling "ganged up." It's a sign of weakness and childishness on his part. It's important to know how to handle your own arguments with your spouse once you are married without bringing the drama to others or you should not get married.

 

Plans... if it's going to includes his family (wedding plans) then they have a right to know what is going on. They have to make arrangements from their own schedule to come. As long as they're not dictating how to run your plans, then you shouldn't have to worry about anything.

[metrogirl]

Would you prefer that he share it with someone else that wasn't related to him, like a male coworker or friend? I think it's natural that people just need to let stuff off their chest. It's unhealthy to keep it all bottled up. He might be getting good perspective, perhaps stuff that he wouldn't have thought of. Now if he's running to his sister and bashing you each and everytime, then I would be upset but if he is merely letting out the frustration and getting feedback, that's not a bad thing, IMO.

[catfeeder]

So, it sounds like it's not really something that I should make a big deal about? I just hate the thought of not knowing what he has told them about our arguments. I also know from past experience that when I tell my parents/family something about an argument, and then I make up with my bf/fiance/husband, my family is still upset about the issue but I move on happily because I made up with him. Does that make sense? I learned this the hard way from my first marriage and I WILL NOT share details with my family about this marriage. I don't want them to end up hating him like they did my first husband.

 

Yes, this makes perfect sense, and I would try explaining it to him this way. If he wants his family to get a long with you, he shouldn't set you up as villain when he's angry with you. Then he kisses and makes up while his family is left holding the bag--that's not fair to anyone.

[catfeeder]

Would you prefer that he share it with someone else that wasn't related to him, like a male coworker or friend? I think it's natural that people just need to let stuff off their chest. It's unhealthy to keep it all bottled up. He might be getting good perspective, perhaps stuff that he wouldn't have thought of. Now if he's running to his sister and bashing you each and everytime, then I would be upset but if he is merely letting out the frustration and getting feedback, that's not a bad thing, IMO.

 

Yes, a coworker or friend or therapist or clergy--anyone who's not invested in outcomes is fine. Getting stuff off my chest doesn't need to equate with sabotaging my desire for family or close friends to get along with my lover. And that works in reverse, too. I've told my sister, "If you'll want me to like this guy in the future, don't set me up to hate him when you're angry with him. I'm not going to get over his mistreatment of you just because you do, and that's the perfect way to land us all miserable at your wedding."

[Circe]

I think taking things from inside your marriage to mother/brother/sister/father etc is inappropriate. It's just not right because they have ties to your husband that they don't have with you so can't provide an objective perspective AND you still have to act like a member of the overall family .. which means seeing them regularly.. which just isnt going to be very easy to do if they know all your intimate r'ship details!!

 

My H and I do not discuss anything within our marriage with parents/sibblings.

[lady00]

The problem with this is exactly what has been pointed out here--that the family will continue to stew over an argument after the couple has long since gotten over it. I remember reading this great article called something like "Top 10 Relationship Wreckers" and "gossiping" was listed as one. Telling other people about the arguments/problems in a relationship is "gossiping" to use the term used by the article and it can be very destructive to a relationship. It's great to seek advice from a neutral person who won't interfere, blab to anyone else, or hold a grudge (clergyman is a great suggestion, also therapist etc...lots of people can play this sounding board role but it's not a good idea to go to family/friends with relationship problems).

[lady00]

Here's an excerpt from the article

 

"Gossiping [/b](telling family or friends about your problems but not addressing them with your partner):

That’s right, if you are talking about the problems in your relationship with friends or relatives but not working on improving the situation, that amounts to gossip. Gossip is not a productive way to handle problems, and can result in additional problems. For instance, your partner may feel betrayed that you revealed sensitive material to others that cause him or her to be embarrassed or uncomfortable around them. Also, if you promote a negative side of your partner or your relationship, others may get a distorted view, and changes in their attitudes and behavior may follow. Others may remember your conflicts long after you and your partner have gotten past them. Instead, work on improving your communication skills. Turn toward your partner, not away. If you need help, seek out the assistance of an objective third party such as a therapist who works with couples. When it comes to your needs, stop complaining and start asking!"

[cm17]

I think it all comes down to what both partners are comfortable with. I'm a big venter, but I'm also really blunt. So with my ex I pretty much always addressed our problems immediately. However I sometimes needed to talk too like about certain arguments we had and how they affected me. Given that I trusted my little brother more than anyone to be discreet and understanding not to mention he gives wonderful advice I'd talk to him. There were a couple of things my ex wasn't thrilled I told him... but my ex also confided everything to his brother. So we were in the same boat regarding that. My ex wasn't going to stop talking to his family when he needed support and neither was I. When it came to something super serious that I knew my family wouldn't take well (like my ex suggesting a tummy tuck), I kept quiet. Its funny though, quite a few times my brother would point out how I was being irrational and defend my ex! They were friends though...

 

I guess every situation is different. I don't think a loving couple would ever say anything truly mean spirited about each other to anyone else especially family. Above all I wanted my family to love my bf and accept him. So I think its an issue that should be discussed where boundaries are in place. Like make sure you fiance knows what you are uncomfortable with him sharing with others. But I think its too much to ask that he share absolutely nothing (unless he has a therapist) because I think its necessary and healthy to discuss certain issues with others who aren't in the relationship, oftentimes giving needed perspective.

[FreedomRing]

I think taking things from inside your marriage to mother/brother/sister/father etc is inappropriate. It's just not right because they have ties to your husband that they don't have with you so can't provide an objective perspective AND you still have to act like a member of the overall family .. which means seeing them regularly.. which just isnt going to be very easy to do if they know all your intimate r'ship details!!

 

My H and I do not discuss anything within our marriage with parents/sibblings.

 

I fully agree with this. Definitely crosses some boundaries sharing info with families and friends....only completely neutral parties, if you must vent.